1. Create a concrete plan you share with you child and set expectations before going on the vacation – If we know exactly what’s going on and can see a schedule beforehand it feels much less overwhelming to tackle new places and new experiences.

2. Make sure you’re staying in a place with enough space – when I was a kid, if we stayed in a place with plenty of space, my parents had no issues. For example, every year my parents would take us to Pawleys Island, SC. Generally that trip was fine because my parents rented a big enough house and I had my own space, which is something a lot of us on the spectrum need. One year, we moved to a much nicer but much smaller house. I had to share a bedroom with my brother and the house was very compact so we felt packed in and I had a lot of difficulties. Even though the house was nicer, renting the bigger, albeit more shabby, beach house was much better for our family.

3. Plan your vacation during the destination’s off-season and go to a place that’s less crowded in general  Autistic people can get overwhelmed in large crowds or places that have a lot of people. And when you go to tourist destinations, that can be even more overwhelming if it’s during a busy season.

4. Plan a lot of physical activities  Things that involve bike riding, walking, swimming, or even outdoor activities like the zoo, are good for helping to get rid of that excess nervous energy that can build up .

5. Doing more shorter vacations like day or weekend trips can be easier than going on a single longer vacation If a week long vacation is too much, try doing a few 3, 2 or 1 day trips. If your child hates the trip, you can leave without worrying about the fact that you paid for a whole week.

6. Since activities can be overwhelming, limit them in time and scope and plan them so that they work for your child - 

As an example, for a trip to a museum, create a plan of things to see and do and share it with your child before going in. Whatever you do, don’t just walk around looking at things. People, especially kids, on the spectrum don’t like uncertainty.

Also, call ahead and ask what the least busy time is – sometimes google has a graph that shows how many people are at a specific attraction for each hour of the day.

Also, plan mini tours that involve activities related to what you’re doing (like a scavenger hunt). Often times, places like a museum will offer guides for children.  Don’t be pedantic, the experience of new places and experiences should be enough. You don’t need to teach them everything about everything you see and don’t try too hard to make sure they’re learning. Children will remember activities related to what they saw, not  what was written on a plaque you made them read.  Be more hands off and your child’s curiosity will do the rest.

Plan an escape if it’s a new overwhelming experience. One time we went to a haunted house. My sister who is also on the spectrum was insistent upon going in so my mom talked with the people running it and they came up with an egress plan for her to go to a guide to take her out if she got overwhelmed and needed to leave.

7. Always have a plan of where your next meal is coming from – either bring your food or plan to eat at a specific place you research that is fun and not overwhelming from a sensory perspective

Plan rest times – While it can seem like it’d be better to make use of all the time you have and do as much as possible, if you do less things and have built-in breaks, the things you do will be much more rewarding and memorable. You don’t need to see the whole city or even the whole museum. A lot of parents

8. Be aware of your child’s needs and prioritize those over your own- If your kid likes rocket ships, go to the air and space museum. Even if you think you’d enjoy an art gallery more, you won’t if your kid is having a melt down the whole time. You can still go to the art gallery if you make it fun, but sometimes the path of least resistance is best.

9 Prepare staff in advance - Tell them you have a kid on the spectrum and explain that a meltdown is possible. That way, if a meltdown does happen they will be more patient and accommodating and you won’t get as many people judging you.

10. If you have multiple kids on the spectrum, consider one parent taking them each separately on different vacations based on their needs and interests. Or if you’re doing activities on the same trip, maybe split off so each child can do something that will work for them.

The post Planning a family vacation with Autism – 10 tips for success appeared first on Wrong Planet.

I met Maja (and a lot of other cool aspies) while speaking in Århus, Denmark at the AspIT conference. This is her first column:

Hi, I’m Maja and I live in Copenhagen, Denmark and I’m a 25 year old woman diagnosed with Asperger’s. I’m a singer/songwriter and a student.

I always knew I was different and started learning social skills before I was even diagnosed. When I was 12, I realized that I wanted to be a part of the world and started to mimic and learn social skills from others. Most of my social skills, however, come from character based roleplaying.

Many other aspies say that I bend to the will of NT society, by acting as if I am an NT. I, of course, don’t think so because I only act NT when the situation calls for it. But let’s start at the beginning. . . .

Read on. . .

Maja Toudal

I think I first realized this when I was three or four years old.

I never went to special schools, or had any help. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 16. So not only did others expect me to act “normal”, I expected it of myself. It wasn’t until I was 12 or 13 that I realized that I would have to really work for it, if I was going to achieve it. Also, it wasn’t until then that I started wanting to be a part of society, after years of being bullied by classmates and teachers.

So I worked at it. I observed, tried to repeat what the others did and I failed miserably.

When I was 17 or so I got invited to play a roleplaying game, which has since become much more focused on character play than anything else. And that is where I really learnt something.

I see it as speaking two languages. To use a metaphor, I speak Danish and English. Danish is my native language, it’s the language I grew up speaking. Danish is good to be able to speak, because even though it’s a small country, it’s where I live. The relatively small number of Danish-speaking people, mostly prefer to speak Danish. And many of them don’t know English very well.

But lots of people in the world speak english, and most of them don’t know how to speak a word of danish. However, because I speak english so well, I’m able to share ideas with other people who speak English and befriend them. I’m able to translate danish for them, and even – with those who are willing – am able to teach them a bit of danish.

It’s exactly the same with the languages “NT” and “aspie”. There are lots of aspies in the world, but most people are NT’s. What I want to do with my life is reach out to the NT’s and teach them to speak a bit of “aspie”.

I’m aware that many who are on the spectrum, have had horrible experiences with NT’s, and many see non-autistics as horrible people. We want to avoid them as much as possible. But the reason we have horrible experiences with NTs, isn’t necessarily because they or we are horrible people. It’s just that we have such a hard time communicating.

And that’s what I’m doing. I’ve learnt to communicate with neurotypicals. It gives them benefits – because I’m slowly teaching them a new language that will make a few situations (or many) much easier, because they now understand a bit of what’s going on. And it gives me benefits – because I’m able to tell them what I want, and need from them. I’m able to make friends with them.

And the NT friends I’ve made, have learnt to speak so much “aspie”, that I no longer have to speak “NT” with them if I don’t want to.

So it’s not about conforming to the NT way, it’s about communicating with them. And being able to communicate makes my life easier.

Maja started writing songs when she was 9 and released her debut album, Live, Acoustic & Stripped less than a year ago. She has also released quite a few singles, available online.

Listen to Maja’s Music on Myspace and check her out on Facebook. and check out her music channel on Youtube.

Maja also has a youtube channel where she talks about Asperger’s and Autism.

The post Aspie or NT? The Pros and Cons of Acting Neurotypical appeared first on Wrong Planet.

One common characteristic of people with Asperger’s is that we are more or less blind to the non verbal communications of others. As a result, we find ourselves forever saying and doing the wrong thing, with the best of intentions. We’re described as arrogant, aloof, uncaring and inconsiderate.

I contend that we are none of those things. I believe we are simply blind, emotionally.

Read on for the full article!

We do not respond to other people’s observable cues because we don’t see them. Neurotypical people read the signals and respond; we don’t. But just as a visually blind person can understand a world he can’t see, I can understand and feel empathy and emotion even though I can’t automatically see the triggers.

For example, I’m quite sure I feel empathy for other people. If my wife were to be injured in a fall, I would immediately share her pain and distress. I would become distressed myself, and my top priority would be to relieve her discomfort. That’s what empathy is all about.

When it plays out in the real world, though, it’s easy for people to get a wrong impression. Imagine my wife and me, walking on the recreational trail. She trips on a stick and falls. I turn and look at her. There’s no sign of injury. None of her limbs seem twisted or broken. She did not yell loudly, and she’s not making any loud noises now.

“Are you damaged?” I ask because I know it’s possible to sustain damage that’s not visible from the outside. I’m not too worried, though, because I know most falls do not result in injury. I’ve seen this before.

“No, I don’t think so.” Her answer reassures me that there is no cause for alarm. I’m relieved.

“OK, then, get up and let’s go.” I give the only practical answer I can see. The day is passing, and we are standing still. Time to get moving again!

I have had third parties observe exchanges like that with a very critical eye. “I can’t believe you’re so callous,” they say. But if you read my thoughts, I wasn’t callous at all. I made a reasoned evaluation of the situation and acted appropriately.

The relief I felt when she said she wasn’t hurt was a genuine empathy reaction. And in that case, it’s all that was needed. There was no real injury or pain to share or mitigate.

If there had been injury, I was calm and logical and ready to act. Luckily, that wasn’t necessary.

Why is my wife satisfied with that response?

Sometimes observers challenge us with questions like that. It’s a valid question . . . we meet many alienated Asperger spouses at my speaking events. In our case, the answer is simple. She’s known me for many years. There have been times when she was hurt, and in those times I never failed to be there, supportive and helpful. I have shown my empathy by my actions over a period of years. She knows it’s there even though the superficial manifestations may be missing in situations. Therefore, she’s perfectly comfortable with my response, as nothing was really wrong.

She knows that I’d have responded very differently if her leg had been broken.

What might one conclude from that? She is very sensitive to me, and she can sense what I’m thinking and feeling even though I give very little sign. She’s comfortable with what she sees and senses. Her greater than average sensitivity offsets my own partial blindness. Together, we make a successful team.

She knows that I am just are caring as anyone else. I just show it in different ways.

Sometimes people ask me, “What kind of person should a guy with Asperger’s look for?”

I can’t speak for you, but this is an answer that’s worked for me:

People with Asperger’s have very weak sensitivity to other people’s thoughts and feelings. But we often offset that with exceptionally strong logical brains. Therefore, we are wise to seek a mate with exceptional emotional sensitivity and less logical brainpower. Then, our mental abilities compliment each other’s. One of us has great emotional intelligence, and the other has great logical intelligence. Individually, we’re each weak. Together, though, we are very strong.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

By John Elder Robison. Originally posted on PyschologyToday.com

The post Are Aspergians really rude and inconsiderate? appeared first on Wrong Planet.

But the demon interjects: “No, you are bored and unmotivated.” This scenario happens every day to countless aspies everywhere. The demon of improper body language frustrates all sorts of personal interactions, not just job interviews. The most frustrating aspect of all is that rarely is the demon obvious: usually, the aspie doesn’t even know he has been subverted. Our task is to exorcise this demon and replace him with more thoughtful, honest body expression, so that aspies can practice their many skills and achieving success.

Read on for the entirety of GroovyDruid’s article about projecting successful body language!

Imagine for a moment that you are sitting across from an interviewer for a job. But you and the interviewer are not alone: a thin, evil-looking demon sits beside you. You say, “I’m excited at the prospect of joining this company–”

But the demon interjects: “No, you are bored and unmotivated.”

“I love this kind of work and know I can give an excellent performance,” you counter.

“Baloney!” The demon sputters. “You lack self-confidence and can’t really perform any of these duties!”

You leap out of your chair: “I’ve been maintaining hardware since I was knee-high to a wombat! I can write code so fast it will make your head sp—”

But the interviewer stops you both. She wears a confused frown. She says she’s sorry, but you just aren’t suited to the position.

What happened at this interview? First, let’s break down the characters: the interviewer is the interviewer, you are the aspie, and the demon is your body, which is screaming volumes of information at the interviewer, much of it contradictions and lies. The interviewer tried hard to determine the truth of your abilities and attitudes, but the yelling of the demon overwhelmed her faculties, and she gave up.

This scenario happens every day to countless aspies everywhere. The demon of improper body language frustrates all sorts of personal interactions, not just job interviews. The most frustrating aspect of all is that rarely is the demon obvious: usually, the aspie doesn’t even know he has been subverted. Our task is to exorcise this demon and replace him with more thoughtful, honest body expression, so that aspies can practice their many skills and achieving success.

Fiend! Thy Name Is…

It’s always handy to be able to call a demon by his name during an exorcism. In the story above, the demon goes by the name Incongruence. To understand Incongruence, we must realize that there are three channels of communication in a face-to-face encounter: vision, voice, and verbal communication, or talk. Incongruence rears its ugly head whenever one channel conveys a different message from the others. An easy example would be someone crossing his arms, screwing his face into a scowl, and saying, “I’m open to suggestions.” The voice and visual message (body language) contradict the verbal message. Incongruence creates drama. Drama has its place, but you don’t want it popping up in your career unless you’re bound for Broadway.

Incongruence might have subverted the aspie in the opening scenario in a number of ways. He might have sat back and put his hand to his face when talking about how excited he was to join the company, indicating that he really recoiled from the opportunity. He might have failed to make eye contact and stimmed by wringing his hands when he spoke of his competence and experience, thus giving an impression of insincerity. Or he might have crossed his arms and “held back” when the interviewer asked to know more about his hobbies and personal life. Aspies lack certain intuitive abilities for giving and receiving subconscious body language, and because of this, Incongruence wreaks havoc in their dialogues. No matter what an aspie says, his NT conversation partners perpetually feel vague distrust and antipathy for him. Not so strong that they would say it out loud: “I think you’re not telling me the truth!” In fact, the NT might not even admit the feelings of distrust and antipathy to herself. Instead, she follows her intuition and says, “I don’t think you’re really suited to the position…”

The Look of Success

Aspies are noted for having a headlock on verbal communication. They know what they want to say and 1,000 synonyms with which to say it. Writing about voice is pointless. That leaves just the vision component of the vision-voice-verbal communications triangle for us to discuss. That’s okay, though: according to studies, visual communication accounts for an astounding 40-60% of the total face-to-face communication. So what does successful body language look like?

Here, it is important to define “success.” I am a strong proponent of using body language to express congruence and the true thoughts and feelings one has, especially for aspies. To do otherwise is to create drama and lies. It’s tempting to create deliberate incongruence. In fact, good actors do just that: they speak the text and promptly contradict the text with a subtext brought out through body language. (Actors are also notorious for losing whatever jobs they had prior to being obscenely paid cultural icons.) Interesting, but I say let’s try to get the straight talk first.

You might begin by making a self-inventory: “What sort of person am I?” You can’t describe your personality to others with your body until you have decided for yourself. Are you a leader, a type-A figure with the skills to lead men and nations? Are you a solid supporting player? Are you a quiet, reserved person? I won’t lie and say this sort of self-analysis is easy, but it’s important. You’ll get a terrible mess if you project the body language of a dominant leader and then back down when it comes to deeds and actions.

An inventory is also necessary for any given interaction: you must decide what relationship you want. If you are talking to your boss, then open, cooperative, and slightly submissive body language takes precedence. In a romantic conquest you want confident, aggressive body language. If you know the relationship you want, then you can direct your body to match your voice, words, and intentions.

The Boss and the Team Player

As an example, we will run through two common species of body language, the Boss and the Team Player. Both of these species are broad, highly successful patterns to emulate. First, what body language does the Boss use?

It doesn’t matter if the Boss says a word: an NT feels his body language instantly. Whether the Boss is a woman or a man, the Boss walks out in front, and he usually swings his arms more than his subordinates. He sits at the head of a table, and he faces the door. When sitting in a line of subordinates, he’s likely to be found at the end of the pew. When he shakes hands, the Boss is apt to roll his hand over so that his palm faces down over yours, and he’s got a strong, solid grip. He is literally “on top” of the handshake. He makes solid eye contact and stands aggressively. This means his legs are apart, and his hands sit on his hips or his thumbs stuck in his belt with his shoulders back. This guy doesn’t fold up his arms or put them into his pocket except to pull out the cigar he’s got. The Boss doesn’t move or talk a lot, either. Studies have shown that maturity in body language transmits through sparse, focused movement and that leaders just as often listen as talk. When the Boss moves, he does so with efficient, calculated movements, and his body language and verbal communication possess very strong congruence.

The Boss fears no one, and he shows it. How? By standing with one hand clasped in the other behind his back and his chin up high. This posture exposes his throat, heart, and bowels to anyone who dare attack. (Not to be confused with one hand behind the back holding the other’s wrist or elbow, which means the person is restraining himself.) When the Boss sits, he often puts his hands behind his head. This posture exposes the bowels, heart, and the huge subclavian artery that runs through the armpits. It seems to say, “I’m so smart, I could incinerate your attack with my gaze…” The Boss radiates charisma with his body language.

The Boss makes gestures of doubt, relaxation, and interest at times, just like normal people. From moment to moment, though, his typical behavior falls into the clusters described, and anyone who takes them on will send the message, “Challenge me at your peril, for I am the Boss!”

The Team Player

Another successful paradigm that pops up is the Team Player. This fellow usually likes his work, and his work likes him. He gets promoted easily and has less stress than others less skillful at handling the social landscape.

The Team Player adapts well to others. When he shakes hands with the Boss, he presents his hand palm-up, in a submissive gesture. As the Boss begins to describe his plans, the Team Player displays non-verbal signs of interest. These include cocking the head slightly to one side, nodding occasionally, and giving grunts of understanding. The Team Player leans forward in his chair, sometimes on the balls of his feet, and he stands leaning forward in an open stance, signaling his eagerness and openness to proceed.(Think of the way football players sit on the bench waiting to go into the game, leaning forward with their hands or elbows on their knees.)

Moreover, the Team Player is savvy: he knows that people like people like themselves, hire people like themselves, marry people like themselves, and promote people like themselves. He mirrors the arm movements, leg movements, head position, eye contact frequency, posture, position, voice tone, and voice cadences of the person to whom he speaks right from the moment they face each other. With this subtle mime show, he creates instant rapport and comfort with the other person. Whomever he speaks to knows the Team Player really “agrees” with him. The Boss loves him, but his co-workers know that he’s really one of the crew and not just a suck-up. It’s the same in a meeting as in a face-to-face conversation: the Team Player sits the way other people are sitting and speaks the way they speak, especially the person in charge of the meeting. (For more information on mirroring, read my previous article “The Secrets of Successful Small Talk”.)

The Team Player avoids body language calculated to inflame people. He rarely uses aggressive “Boss” body language, and only when strictly appropriate with his own subordinates. This includes putting his feet up on desks and chairs, or leaning against the doorway of someone else’s office, all of which are overt displays of ownership and intimidation. He resists the urge to cross his arms or legs in a sign of unresponsiveness, even when he feels the urge—that is, unless he is mirroring someone. He avoids slumping in his chair and conveying boredom or malaise. He knows to literally bring himself to someone’s level when talking to them, by sitting when they are sitting, standing up when they approach, or kneeling so as not to talk down to them as they both look at a plan on the floor. He makes solid eye contact as appropriate to avoid any hint that he is not paying attention to whomever is speaking.

Choosing Roles

Taking on the mannerisms of the Boss sends a strong signal and should only be done when you are sure you are, in fact, the Boss. The Team Player, on the other hand, is welcome in a wide range of roles and positions. He shows respect and congruence with the group and often finds much success. It’s advisable to follow the Team Player mold until one finds a niche.

The Dead Fish (Things to Avoid)

The polar opposite of both the successful types we have described I call the Dead Fish. I bring him up because aspies have the misfortune to unknowingly imitate the Dead Fish because of their neurological differences, and they draw flack for it they don’t deserve. The poor Dead Fish sends out unsuccessful body language at every turn, and most of it he’s unaware of. He can’t understand why he doesn’t get promoted, sent on critical assignments, or accepted by the Boss.

The Dead Fish will often broadcast classic signs of boredom in meetings or face-to-face encounters. He will put his chin in his hand, not face people when speaking, and slump back in his chair. He wiggles his foot and taps his pencil. He makes poor eye contact when meeting people for the first time, and he has a limp handshake that people note immediately when they grip his hand. His poor eye contact spills over into his listening habits, too. When his colleagues talk to him, they feel ignored and can never be sure whether he understood what they said to him.

The Dead Fish, whether he means it or not, comes across as critical and defensive. He crosses his arms and legs often, signaling to all present that he’s defensive and has a closed attitude. He drops his chin when speaking. When he wears his reading glasses, he lets them drop down his nose and looks over the top at people, which makes them feel judged. When under fire, the dead fish wrings his hands, grips the armrests tightly, and locks his ankles together, showing his need for reassurance. When confronted, he is liable to rub the back of his neck or clasp one wrist with his hand behind his back, indicating he’s restraining himself from violent outburst.

The rest of the crew talk about the Dead Fish around the water cooler behind his back, and his plight is sad to behold.

Settling In

A group never forms into an undifferentiated, egalitarian mass. From the moment of its inception, a group immediately singles out its leaders, followers, administrators, artists, team players, geniuses, builders, and priests. Each finds success in his own way as a part of the whole. The sorting out of all these trades and vocations happens non-verbally, for the most part. People project a piece of their essence through what they do and the way they do it, and often find their niche because others recognize this essence as suited to some vocation. Body language plays a big part in this selection process, and it should be given the consideration it deserves. I hope the knowledge of some of the successful species of body language opens doors to more exploration in the area for you, so that you may drive the demons of unsuccessful body language from your life forever.

Suggested Readings

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Body Language by Julius Fast
Signals: How to Use Body Language for Power, Success, and Love by Allan Pease
How to Read a Person Like a Book by Gerard Nierenberg and Henry Calero

_________________
“DEAR ASPIE…”
Do you have questions about body language, small talk, flirting, and other non-verbal mysteries? Want to get some straight answers? PM your questions to GroovyDruid and read them published and explained in his blog!

The post THE SECRETS OF PROJECTING SUCCESSFUL BODY LANGUAGE appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Link to article

The post When it’s hard to fit in – The Register-Guard appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Link to article

The post Scientists crack cognitive code of sarcasm appeared first on Wrong Planet.

The post Group Social Situations appeared first on Wrong Planet.