The following post is written by our female aspie blogger Kirsten Lindsmith:

It’s that time again, folks! Another rambling blog post! Today’s topic will be one I see discussed quite often on WP: dating. I want to begin by stating that no, I am not Alex’s “new girlfriend”—and is that a question that would ever be asked of a male blogger?—I am just a person. I’m writing this blog because I work with Alex, and I like writing. I’ve also been told that I give good advice, though I don’t know if this is true of if people are just being polite. Anyway, onwards to the topic we all know and love…

As I a child I just assumed relationships were something that just happened. As I got older and was enticed with fantasies of entering the dating scene, I discovered a seemingly essential piece to the puzzle that I had absolutely no idea how to master: flirting. Brainwashed by childhood that “liking” someone was a teasable offense, I was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of making any sort of moves on my targets. This is an area where girls have the advantage over guys. I had no idea how to flirt or show interest, so I was often overlooked. it finally came down to it, I wasn’t expected to make a chase. In the end, all I really had to do was wait.

When I was finally asked out at the age 15 (by fellow socially awkward nerd who I had a thing for) I had no idea how to react. After an uncomfortably long silence, I think I said something along the lines of, “I don’t know, I’m really busy, I don’t know if I have time. I’ll get back to you.” I eventually got back to him via the classic aspie socialization assistant, AOL Instant Messenger. We went on exactly one date. We met for lunch at a local ice cream parlor and ordered sandwiches. I had brought a book (always prepared!) and we read it together, our thighs touching. All the while my anxiety was mounting: “oh no, these people know we like each other.” Ridiculous. Though we “dated” for about five months, we never went out on a one-on-one date again. And all the while, he had to ask permission to hug me, and some times I didn’t let him. Looking back on it, I’m surprised that I was the one to break up with him. He was quite the trooper, to deal with my issues.

My next “serious” boyfriend was totally out of left field. He was like an alien to me. He was charismatic and popular; everyone knew his name. He was famous purely because he was so nice, and he was a friend to everyone and anyone. We met because he had to stay back a year after spending a semester in Kenya teaching English (yes, really), and a friend decided to play matchmaker, over AIM no less. He was everything I am not. I learned so much in that year simply from being around him. We would talk to homeless people sitting on the sidewalk outside Subway, and learn their life stories. We hung out with the local schizophrenic while he cleaned the streets to make the town clean enough to entice celebrities to visit. Wherever we would go, people would recognize him, and I was forced into a world of interaction.

He noticed my difficulties, and in a valiant effort, attempted to fix them. I learned that the proper response to, “How are you?” isn’t just, “Good,” it’s, “Good, how are you?”—or some variation. I learned to monitor my facial expression, and posture. I’d never even noticed that I spoke with a monotone until he pointed out that I needed to use “inflection,” whatever that was. I morphed from an autistic anime nerd into a normal girl. The only problem was, I felt like I was broken. This was pre-diagnosis, and I knew nothing about autism, and I only knew that we would have disastrous arguments because I couldn’t analyze my own emotions and opinions. In the end, all the struggles are what taught my to express myself.

I’m incredibly grateful to what I learned from Mr. Perfect-Neurotypical, even if our relationship didn’t work out in the end. I learned to present myself to the world, which was something I had no idea about before. I didn’t have to flirt, but I did have to grow out my hair and stop wearing rainbows after I learned all the boys thought I was a lesbian. Women are expected to be the bait, the object that gets picked up. Over the years I’ve improved my grooming abilities, and I think I look pretty normal these days. I still don’t have the sexy posture, or the come-hither eyes, but that’s not really my thing. My current boyfriend is the other co-host on Autism Talk TV, Jack. We met in a sort of complicated way. We went to the same high school, but by the time we met, I was a senior and he had already dropped out. He was a friend of my charismatic boyfriend (who wasn’t?), and we hung out often. I knew he had “Asperger’s”, but I had no idea what that really meant. He seemed perfectly normal, and by that I mean just like me. We had all the same interests, we shared a sort of odd (autistic?) sense of humor, and we even had many of the same quirks and oddities, like facial expressions. We could ramble on and on to the other about special interests like science or politics. When my ex and I had our falling out, things sort of clicked, as silly as that sounds. At the time I felt I’d found my soul mate. I know now that our astounding similarities are due in part to the fact that we both have autism. But I still don’t regret my decision.

It’s not quite right to say that dating has always come easily to me, but I certainly haven’t had to face the hardships that many others on the spectrum encounter. I think this was due to the fact that I was always able to maintain a stable group of friends, some of whom were male. I would make a friend, and if we were both attracted to each other, we would eventually wind up dating somehow. Again, I don’t deny that this is a place where female aspies have an advantage. In our culture, males are supposed to take the position of hunter. If you’re a socially awkward male who’s shy talking to girls, it’s far less likely that the girl will choose to ask you out, saving you the trouble. Despite my awkwardness, I was always the recipient of propositions, meaning that I didn’t have to learn “game” or anything. I wish girls felt more comfortable asking guys out. Most girls I talk to worry that it’s too forward, and the guy won’t like it. But my male friends say it would be heaven if girls asked them out instead of them having to make the first move. Such is the perplexing position gender roles put us in.

I spent my high school years giving dating advice to my more socially successful friends, and I’ve built up a good mental database of dating knowledge. I don’t use it myself, and I’m not sure if I ever want to (being picked up in a bar isn’t really my thing). Though I think the most universal piece of advice I can give is to just be yourself. I know that sounds cliché, but if you try to act like someone you’re not, you’re never going to be able to have a decent relationship. That doesn’t mean do whatever you want, just don’t pretend to like some stupid band if you don’t, or wear your hair some crazy way because you think it’ll help you “get girls.” If a person doesn’t like you when you act naturally, they’re not someone you want to date anyway.

My friends and associates have always been people who like listening to rambling stories about surgery, or the spread of some horrific disease. They’re people who share my interests and passions, and I expect the same from my mate.

The post What’s Love Got to Do with It? A Girl’s Perspective on Relationships and Autism! appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Kirsten, our female aspie blogger, has this to say!

Gender is a pretty big issue in the autiverse. Are there more aspie girls than we realize? If so, why? Do girls really present symptoms differently than boys? Do aspie girls just have “hyper-masculine” brains, as is often suggested? What’s the deal with gender and autism?

As many of you may have realized, I am female. I’ve been an on-and-off tomboy, but on the whole I have had no struggles with my gender identity. However, I have had troubles fitting the female role.

Women are seen as the empathetic and emotional sex. We’re the mothers, the girlfriends, and the nurturers. Women are supposed to speak with subtlety, and go about their daily business with a ladylike grace. Girls are supposedly much more adept at reading facial expressions, body language, and reading between the lines during social interaction. Men are given a bit of leeway with this; an aspie male who can’t tell that when his girlfriend says “nothing” is bothering her, she really means “everything,” doesn’t stand out from the crowd. Men are supposed to be confused baffled by women and their secret code of subtext.

When I was little, I made mostly male friends. The female friends I had in preschool abandoned me come primary school because I wasn’t cool enough. Over the years, the girls who I befriended were either misfits themselves or charismatic individuals who didn’t care whether I was “weird” or not.

Reading Tony Attwood’s research really struck home for me. He says that girls with Asperger’s are often have friends and are able to develop social skills thanks to “mother hen” friends, who take them in under a wing. Because girls are seen as the emotional and empathetic sex, it is far more acceptable for girls to befriend outcasts and nurture them towards social competency. In elementary school, I met a girl who shared all my obsessive interests (mostly involving animal behavior and ecology), who was intellectual and nerdy, but who was undeniably neurotypical. She was strong-willed and loud, and socially sensitive and kind. She made friends wherever she went, and I came along for the ride. Come high school, I had a new mother hen. She was tall, ambitious, and charismatic. As time past, I gathered several social friends. My inner circle was built of a couple of very open, charismatic people, and several shy, introverts. These were people who could talk to anyone, even a shy kid, and everyone knows at least one. I developed socially in a way I never would have, were it not for these people who helped me along. I was never friendless, even in my darkest days as a melodramatic 13-year-old.

My passion had always been art, and drawing taught me to read faces. I analyzed the muscle structure of the human face, and which places were contracted or relaxed in different moods. To draw something, you have to really understand it, and I liked to draw people. I was also pretty into anime and manga, which place a heavy emphasis on facial expressions. Anime faces are stylized, caricatures of real faces. I feel sort of lame admitting it, but a lot of what I learned about non-verbal language came from my consumption of Japanese media as a teenager. The down side was the anime faces I started to imitate, thinking they were natural.

I don’t know whether female aspies really do present differently, as I’m no expert. But the general consensus seems to be in favor, and I would agree, using my own anecdotal evidence. Male aspies and female aspies are no different inside, but I believe that cultural engendering is very different for each sex. What is ok for a male aspie might be discouraged in a female aspie, and vice versa. Within the coming years it is likely that we will see a rise in the number of female aspies, and a more even ratio. There are many autistic women out there who are simply overlooked, or misdiagnosed.

The post Gender in the Autiverse . . . A Girl’s Perspective! appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–edgey123

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
“I am a heterosexual male aspie. Why do females insist on telling me about their husbands or boyfriends all the time, sometimes in intimate detail? It is none of my business, and it makes me feel uncomfortable, like the girls/women are comparing me to their partners. I also don’t know what to say to them.”

–edgey123

I understand. You don’t know what to say to them because you don’t know how to take what they tell you. You get left with an uncomfortable pause, during which communication goes to the dogs.

While I can’t tell you exactly what every mention of a significant other means, I think we can narrow down some possibilities. Armed with those, you’ll have a good shot at deducing the intention of their communications.

The most likely scenario: you are being entrusted. See, NT women love discussing their blokes. From the time women are 12 years old, an overwhelming majority of them spend innumerable hours with their friends discussing every conceivable facet of the men they are dating, were dating, might be dating, or wish they were dating. Men don’t usually get much of a glimpse into this world of female evaluation, but it’s fascinating. If you haven’t already, listen to a woman when she gets her hair styled by her gay hairdresser. There will be no break in the cascade of language—literally—and a sizable chunk of the discussion will consist of the woman’s relationship. A woman will entrust her friends or her hairdresser or anybody else with the scintillating drama that is her love life, as long as she feels the person is unthreatening and generally in sympathy with her.

This brings me to the point. Aspies have a tendency to come across as unthreatening when it comes to such discussions. (To their frustration, this often relegates the aspie to “friend” status rather than the desired “boyfriend” status, but I digress….) In fact, women often mistake heterosexual aspies like yourself for gay men. I speak from much exasperating experience. Regardless, women feel they can open up to you, with the result that you get an earful about boyfriend or hubby.

Other reasons for mentioning the bloke exist, of course. Women often bring up their men when they feel uncomfortable with the man to whom they are speaking at the time. It’s a kind of defensive mechanism: “Don’t mess with me. I’ve got a fella on the football team, and he’ll punch your ticket.” Women also bring up their men when they feel insecure, romantically or otherwise. This tells other people present either that they “possess somebody, too,” or that they have allies who care about them. And of course sometimes a significant other comes up in conversation for no underlying reason at all. From what you say, though, I don’t think women are throwing these tactics at you.

I can tell you how to nip this problem of “too much information, thank you!” in the bud. Casually mention early in the conversation that there is a woman at your school/college/work who blows your mind. Say something along the lines of, “She’s so hot I think she could probably pose for Playboy.” If you want to really drive the point home, mention that you’re not sure whether her breasts are real, but it really doesn’t matter to you. SNAP! The trap closes forever on the discussion of relationships. The woman will know that you are not in sympathy and that you have a sexually aggressive side that couldn’t possibly understand her sensitive feelings about her man. I caution you to be careful with this tactic, though. It works like salt on a slug. You will never be allowed into her inner circle of female discussion again.

Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: Why Do Women Tell Me About Their Men? appeared first on Wrong Planet.