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Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 13 Sep 2017
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
Location: Virginia

13 Sep 2017, 12:11 pm

Hi, I have two girls, both on the spectrum. My youngest 10 diagnosed at 3 PDD-NOS then ASD when the DSM changed. My oldest 13 diagnosed ASD (Aspergers) two months ago. Since the original diagnosis at 3, I have become convinced over the years that I too have the traits, but am not seeking a formal diagnosis. The recognition of my own was and continues to be the greatest relief and explanation of my life struggles. I am satisfied. I have not received much support for my realization from everyone I tell, as I am a master of disguise. I am often not believed, because I communicate well and work professionally. My entire life has been a study and uphill challenge to fit in, pretend to belong, and perform the part. I suppose I have succeeded since most can't tell. Enough about me, thats not why I joined.
Now I feel as though I want to defend my children. I don't want them to have to pretend. I want the girls to freely be themselves and never feel the pain of being outside the circle. My youngest told me yesterday that she is broken, that if she wasn't we wouldn't have ABA therapy and everyone in her life trying to fix her. She said "don't try to tell me I'm not, I'm always going to be this way." Words can not describe the pain I feel. I would never ever want her to identify as broken. My oldest believes it too. She has been bullied, and had suicide attempts and self injury.
My whole life is centered around managing these girls, their emotional states, self esteem, wanting them to love themselves, fighting the school system, obtaining services. Initially both girls were proud of the ASD identification. I gave them both lots of positive messages, and helped them relate to the really cool part of being autistic. Creativity, and a beautiful mind. It is a process. I could not and can not protect them from a stigmatizing world of cruelty. I want them to see that they are the cool kids, that they have just as much right to live and love and experience the world through their own lens as everyone else. I want them to not believe they are broken. I don't want to stop the ABA, it has helped her tremendously. We don't modify her autistic needs or behavior- meaning we don't try to stop her stim/fixed interests, or change who she is, we just learn life skills about, how to get your homework together, get dressed and out the door, the meaning of idioms, and things she wants to learn. She likes her therapist, she just knows that the neurotypical kids don't have it. (none of her classmates know she has ABA unless she tells them). She resents having to work harder at things most people take for granted. She is desperate for dignity. I struggle to give her a less black and white picture of her life. Yes autism has challenges and like it or not you have to function in a world that is not to your liking, but that doesn't mean you are broken. How could she possibly have the psychological ability to separate the two at 10. It has taken me almost 50 years to figure that out.
It is the beginning of the school year and it always is tough until she gets into it. She is wetting the bed again. It started 5 days before school started and usually lasts until the first week of october. (its not a UTI). The oldest seems to have had a lift in mood since school started, as the routine of life is beneficial. Her last suicide attempt was a month ago. Thank god she didn't do anything very life threatening. I'm constantly stressed out and escape into online netflix streaming every night after they go to bed. I have few people that I can discuss all this with that really get it. I am happy to find a site that respects them as people, rather than defining them as broken.

Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 19 Feb 2013
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Posts: 227
Location: Florida

13 Sep 2017, 12:31 pm

Welcome to you. I hope you find this site a useful resource for you and your daughters.

Christian, Aspergian, Recovering Bundle Of Neurotic Anxieties.


Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 42,746
Location: Portland, Oregon

13 Sep 2017, 3:16 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet! :)

Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!