frowny and...well...frowny.

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,

I've been lurking a while but this is my first post. I live in San Diego and work in a library, and I'm taking classes online to get my Master's in Library/Information Science. I'm in my late 20s and things can be...chaotic?

I haven't been diagnosed but suspect I have asperger's, and suspect my dad and brother have it too. I can't remember how I heard about Asperger's but I think I heard about it on NPR, and then read Look Me in the Eye (because, well, I can't look anyone in the eyes) and have kind of just been battling the part of me that doesn't want to have any "diagnosis" with the part that says "but if you have a diagnosis you might function." I don't feel like I can function. I can do school very well and always could, and I can do very well in general, I just can't really communicate. I don't have any friends that don't live in the internet. I had some friends in high school, but moved out of the state and am still holding grudges/being pouty. I didn't make any friends in college; in fact, went through college largely without socializing (partially because I dont' feel like I can, but also because I was in a relationship with a jealous...just bad...person.) I'm in a relationship now that is by all means fantastic, with a fantastic, patient, understanding guy, but I pout and hold grudges and am grumpy a lot. It was great for the first few months, and then the pouting came back. I don't feel like I am being fair to him. He doesn't do anything to warrant it, ever, but I get frustrated and angry.

I guess my question is..should I just find help? get diagnosed? I was listening to NPR (again with it! always! ) and heard Temple Grandin describing her 20s; something like she walked into a room and couldn't function because everyone in the room was against her. That's how I feel, almost always. She said antidepressants were the only thing that helped her, but I don't know how I feel about antidepressents. I guess anything can be better than feeling like everything is wrong?

I'm sorry for the ridiculously long, rambling post...but like I said, I don't have any friends to talk to I'd love to hear from someone who has advice or experience with antidepressants, or how to get diagnosed, or how to stop being such a cranky frowny ball of pouting!

Thanks and hello,
Marita

This sounds a lot like me when I cut off my Aikido. So, the only advice I can give you, try taking up Aikido. It will level you out. It's hard to describe exactly what it does, but it cuts the peaks off the mountains that otherwise block sunlight. It makes mountains back into molehills. It IS addictive, but unlike meds, it's not harmful

It also gives you a sense of balance of where you are in the right or wrong in everyday situations.

http://www.aikidofaq.com/

Find a dojo near you! http://aikiweb.com/search/

Does he understand that you suspect Aspergers and... does he fully understand what Aspergers is? Aspergers is tricky. You have to use care when explaining what it is, because some people come away *thinking* they understand, and completely miss the most important aspects. He may be tolerant today, but if you're worried about it (obviously you are) and aware of it ... sooner or later, he's liable to begin feeling the way you're describing... as unfair, etc.

Your own good sense appears to be in working order, telling you what you need to do.
But verbalizing what you're feeling inside. It may take some time out and meditation to figure out what the "pouty" stuff is about. The "pouting" you describe, may be lingering feelings/fears of the past... you described having a bad relationship in the past... something trying to surface and you cannot verbalize orally, and communicate.

I did that myself, when I was young.
My fiance (age 19)... I'd been hurt in the past, and I wanted him to read my mind and say some magic bullet phrase (I didn't know myself... only something I felt down inside), to affirm feelings of security in the relationship. I wanted reassurance he was for real. The Aspergers (inability to verbalize needs/feelings) got in the way and the relationship went caput.



Anti-depressants won't help, unless you're clinically depressed. Often times, psycho-therapists mistake Aspergers for wrong diagnosis and treat people for symptoms they really don't have.
You've got to be certain its actually clinical depression, or if its Aspergers, is it some subconscious fear gnawing at you... neuropsychological signals trying to surface, for you to verbalize it .. in words.
That takes soul-searching to get to the bottom of what you're feeling.



It was a good, thoughtful post.

Welcome to WP

Allow me to change around the order of your post...

Getting the wrong diagnosis... taking pills for something you don't have a problem with... it can get worse, it won't feel better, it wont fix things, unless they're treating a clinicial depression that is, if you really have clinical depression.

Be certain that its actually depression if you go the diagnosis route and treated for depression, because if it isn't depression, "anything" is not better, and will not make everything right.



How many friends? Are you referring to "close friends" or "acquaintances". Did they do anything that causes you to feel some degree of resentment toward them? Heck, I haven't forgot how my classmates treated me... I was treated like crap in elementary school, and the kid who stayed by themselves, alone. I have no reason to feel "fond" about my experience in school... and yeah, I remember certain kids as bullies and teasing... naturally I remember them. But I've gotten older, and allowed some of those feelings go, because I grew up and realized how ignorant and cruel children can be. Can't live my life based on what some 9 year old did back in the 3rd grade.
My son refers to "friends," as people who are nice to him, but he doesn't even know their names... there's a difference between people who speak and pass, and actual close "friends" (in the clinical sense).



Perhaps difficulty judging character in people... ? that you ended up with such a person?
Aspergers people often fall in with a bad crowd or personal relationships, because they're nieve...



Well, it sounds like your reasoning facilities are intact and operational order.
Sounds like your subconscience is telling you, there's an issue you've got to address here.
Some unresolved issues.



Aspies are often the brunt of public ridicule. Singled out, bullied, picked on, gossiped about, slandered and ostracized. Ask yourself "WHY" people are treating you that way... for reasons unknown to you? That you cannot see...



If you're Aspergers, there's no medication to fix it. There's no cure.
Best medicine for Aspergers people is self-acceptance and a lot of patience, understanding and love from people around you...and normally, an Aspie wants very few around... one or two close personal friends will work wonders... sounds like your boyfriend is supportive.

You need to seek an Autism specialist to make the diagnosis, and he/she can also assess whether its another condition that is causing your problems. When I brought my children in, they gave me numerous forms to fill out. Scales on their behavior... some focused on OCD and depression symptoms, other tests were concentrating on Aspergers syndrome and different conditions that were possibly to blame, other than Autism... Autism was confirmed as the big kahuna in all three children. Aside of the tests he did on their communication, cognitive/ fine motor skills, wow, lots of things were looked at... etc.



You should ask your doctor to give you a referral to an Autism specialist. Fight for it until you get a thorough clinical assessment. When it is done, the examiner will have documentation (a report several pages in length) with a thorough psychological evaluation. I've had to fight all the way through dozens of ignorant educators and therapists... and have three kids now verified.
If they want to remain skeptical, let them argue with an Autism specialist from now on. Its so much easier when a piece of paper can take care of the explanations for you.
Life becomes very simple, when you have the documentation for diagnosis, in black/white.

Nice to meet you, Marita, and welcome aboard the Wrong Planet.

Hello Marita, welcome,

I hope you will find the information and support you need, here on WP.

Enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!