A late question about what happened

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Something just occurred to me. OK, so this happened several months ago, sometime in spring if I remember correctly.

My sons and I were in an elevator. My older son was really acting up. He was being very aggressive and was angry over having to leave the subway station or something, I forget. An old man was in the elevator with me. He saw my son pushing the stroller into me and my calm but firm (but ineffective) attempt to stop his behavior. The man said to me something along the lines of "There are special schools for him" or "He should be in a special school" or something of that sort. At the time he said it, I was in the midst of looking into ASD schools for him for kindergarten. I was surprised the man would identify my son as being autistic instead of a brat. I piped up, "Yes! I'm enrolling him in a special school next year!" We engaged in a pleasant discussion afterward for a while.

In retrospect, should I have been offended? Did I fail to get a social cue?

I suppose most people would be offended but just because you weren't isn't a bad thing.

First of all, I can totally relate to the delay in processing that question! This happens to me a lot.

Now on to your question. I think that the man may have been trying to be helpful, but it may have been mixed with exasperation at your son's behavior. Your response may have surprised him, and maybe he was relieved that you hadn't taken offense, thus the pleasant conclusion to the whole interaction. But that is only my take on it.

I think that you should have been offended, but I may have reacted the same exact way you did.

Afterwards, (after what just happened sinks in) I have trouble deciding whether it is good that I didn't get offended. All is well that ends well -- you ended up having a positive conversation about it with the guy. But sometimes my reaction will come back to bite me later, after I fume and fester about it for a while.

I would have been offended, but that is my temperament and I hate unsolicited remarks b/c I think it is is presumptuous of people to think you don't know more about then they do.

That said, if you found the interaction to be pleasant, then that is what matters. I wouldn't worry about parsing it, so much. (Although I do the same thing)

It depends on the tone of voice to me. If he'd sounded like he was concerned, I would have been grateful. If he'd sounded impatient and annoyed, or patronizing, I would have been an angry mama-bear.

I probably would have responded the same way as you. If he had commented on my parenting ability, I would have been offended. But, people have made similar comments to me about my son as well. An older woman on the subway recently suggested that I test my son because she thinks he may have OCD (he was making repetitive movements with his hands). I'm sure a lot of people may have been offended, but I could tell she felt like she was being helpful. I (not always) kind of like when people are really frank, and am amused (again, not always) when they don't follow the normal social protocols. I just said: "Yes, he is being evaluated." She smiled and nodded.

He also fits the description of a lot of old school, old man New Yorkers to me. He may not have meant to offend you at all.

He had a tone of voice that I guess could have been any of those things. I just couldn't tell. But then I thought Why would he be mad about my kid if my kid is hurting me, not him? He was an old man, so I just remember also thinking I should not be objectionable to an old man LOL

One thing I learned from the upper west side: a lot of old people are jerks. Plenty aren't. A majority aren't, but age doesn't magically transform people who have been jerks their whole lives and make them wise and wonderful.

I would probably have done exactly what you did, including wondering way after the fact what he really meant. Or I might have asked him something like "are you attempting to be hostile?" This usually throws people off. Often I'll never really know what they meant. I am still trying to figure out if something a colleague said was sarcastic. I think I will have to take her to lunch and ask, because it's driving me crazy.

I don't like verbal fighting, so I avoid it. If people are rude I try to throw them off base. I think of this is a wonderful ideal:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNToJwKE4F0

You may have missed a social cue and he may have been trying to offend you. So what? If he was trying to goad you, what you did was an almost perfect response.

I think your response was perfect no matter what he meant, and there should never be a reason to be defensive or take offense. Your son is a work in progress just like anyone else. Nothing a stranger says should matter really.

IMHO, he was wrong to ask about special schools at a time when you needed encouragement. If anyone missed a social cue, he did. Your response was disarming in a positive way, so it worked well.

This turned out well for you, but he could butt in on the next situation like this and find a totally different response from the mom. That doesn't mean your response was wrong.

He also may have recognized quickly that he was butting in and then made sure he ended on a positive note for you, which was a good thing.

Edit: You know, not picking up on social cues is not always a bad thing. First I want to say, NTs miscommunicate all the time. Some worry about it like you, others don't at all. (So try not to get all worried about things like this.) Secondly, probably because you didn't know whether to take offense or not, you handled it in a straight forward manner that brought the situation to a positive close. If you immediately interpret people negatively, you could insult someone who was only trying to help, or get yourself into a bad situation. I say, "so what?" if you miss a terribly offensive remark. That's great - you didn't have to get your blood pressure up!

I have seen where people who don't pick up on social cues do better than NTs. They are better managers because they don't get into the drama of people's lives. They are kind, but are focused on work.

Most people would be offended, but shouldn't be.

A lot of people think a child having a disability is a horrible, awful thing and makes the child less valuable as a person. Even if they would never say it, deep down they think this. So they react badly if told their child might have a disability, but that's due to their own prejudice.

Occasionally, people might claim a child has a disability to insult the parent. But if the parent responds by saying the child really does have a disability, or is suspected of having one, the person trying to insult them will typically feel guilty about it. It's considered highly socially inappropriate to mock a person for having a disability - more so that mocking a non-disabled person by comparing them to disabled people.

Of course, he could have been genuinely trying to help. Either way, your response was fine - a lot better than many people.

I have agree here. I am an Aspie, and in my years as a sales associate my manager appreciated the way I wouldn't get upset when an irate customer came in the store.