HELP! TWO Aspie parents here...

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I am a new stay-at-home mom and I was recently diagnosed. I have had a REALLY hard time adjusting. My husband helps when he can, but he has a VERY consuming job and he also has times where he needs to "check out" and have some alone time (he is an Aspie as well). I don't know what to do.

Here's my problem:
I am getting completely overwhelmed. I can't take the loud crying and my son seems to need cuddles much more than I can give sometimes. I have touch sensitivity and get irritated when I have people touching me too much. If I had known this....I probably wouldn't have had kids. I always knew I was "kooky" but I didn't think it would be an issue, and honestly before I was just fine because I was doing my thing. Now it's the baby's thing (and rightly so). Now I know better about my problems, but I need to be able to care for my son. I absolutely LOVE him, THAT is not an issue. He brings so much joy to me as well. I do not regret having him, I just want to be better at this. I'm great at caring for him (feeding, cleaning, love here and there), but I'm sick of being totally spent ALL the time. I can't indulge in "me" time (read: obsession, special interest time) ever, especially in any sort of regular, routine way. It's totally depressing me. My husband wants to bring in help, but I have several issues with this.

1) Every other mom I know doesn't need help with ONE 7 month old. I shouldn't be so bad at this. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel like a bad mom. It feels devastating.

2) It would most likely be that we have a family member move in or help, since we can't afford daycare (and I am totally upset about the idea of him being with strangers for hours in the day). All my family lives hours away and HIS family is not trustworthy or reliable. The only person I could see coming and helping would be my father-in-law. And he used to live with us, which caused a lot of problems by itself. He did not respect boundaries or privacy. He came and went at all hours. Didn't participate in the family. He treated our home like a motel. It made my husband very uncomfortable and actually cause stress for our marriage.

I would LIKE to deal with this myself. I want to be able to come up with a routine for myself (the babies routine is pretty much set now, although it took me until very recently to FINALLY get one set) so that I can save my sanity. But every time I've tried it gets screwed up and I can't stick to it, which caused me to get pissed off. Again, NOT mad at my son and I take good care of him (the doctors say he's so healthy and very happy). This is just ME I'm talking about. I get depressed and mad at myself, and then this causes me to have no confidence in my abilities. I want to take better care of myself so I can be a better parent. I want to be able to not only take care of his personal needs (like feeding, cleaning him, etc), but also clean the house so it can be cozy AND take care of myself at least in a basic way so I don't go insane and become "grumpy mom" (which is what I am now, IMO).

I would like to hear from other parents with Asperger's and see if they have any advice for me, because I get A LOT of advice about parents from all the NTs I know and it just does not help.

For instance, every time I tell my mother that I can't "do a little here and there" when it comes to chores, she's totally baffled and tells me, "well, you just do it. You need to try harder." NO I don't. I am getting an average of 4 hours sleep, even though my son sleeps quite well by now. I can't do something, get interrupted and then go right back to it. I get slower every time there's an interruption. And that's if I remember to get back to what I was doing. More likely, I will get interrupted and not finish until days even weeks or months later (depending on the task: dishes, I'll realize I didn't finish when I go to make dinner and there's no clean dishes. Laundry, it will be weeks later and I have no clean clothing. That sort of thing. So basically the house is just in a constant state of disorder). So I "try harder" by staying up late and trying to finish, but usually I am so over-stimulated and overwhelmed I just end up zoning on TV or the net until I pass out (usually about 2 or 3 am). I get so wrapped up in taking care of my son that most of the day goes by and I start to feel sick and realize I haven't eaten anything. I can't seem to feed myself, much less make the house acceptable or have any kind of time for myself.

Is this how it is for Aspie parents? if so I don't want anymore kids. My therapist says that's a normal thought for a parent during this phase, and she helps me out some...but she is new to the subject of AS and doesn't really have any specific advice geared for people like me. My parents seemed to do OK with me, but my dad is the Aspie and my mom is definitly NOT. She couldn't get ENOUGH time and attention from ME (still can't). She doesn't seem to need much time alone at all, and she's very touchy feely and all up in everyone's business all the time. She doesn't get overstimulated by noise or whatever. So a fussy kid doesn't sound that bad to her (while to me it's painful). And my best friend (er, only friend really) has THREE kids and she's totally fine. I'll call her sometimes and she's playing the Wii, has got her FB page up, talking to me, talking to ALL her kids off and on, AND somehow cooking dinner. Oh, and usually dealing with HW ?s from her oldest. Seriously, that's sound *&^$ing IMPOSSIBLE to me. I can't deal with my son fussing in his highchair while I'm trying to scarf down a bowl of cereal. I just feel totally overwhelmed and lost. I need some order but have no clue how to do that for him and me and the house....

Thanks for anyone who reads this.

Hello!

You are NOT the only mom who is overwhelmed by having just one infant. Lots and lots of moms feel that way even if they aren't admitting it publicly. As an Aspie you might be missing the more subtle signs of other people feeling just the way you do. I felt that way with my first son, but it was kind of in reverse. I have ADHD, and he's a very complicated Aspie with ADHD and later some other more serious problems. I thought I had to cuddle him to be a good mom and he'd just scream and wail at me for doing it. I'd put him down alone in a quiet room and walk away, something thought to be tantamount to child abuse by the local parenting standards. I felt like the worst mom ever, but it was what he needed.

Can you wrap your son in a blanket and cuddle him that way? He might like the pressure on his body and the closeness with you, without it being quite so overwhelming for you.

No parent ever gets it all right. The important thing is that you love your child and let them know it. As he grows up he'll understand why it's so hard for you to be cuddly and can learn to appreciate other signs of affection from you. Work really hard at finding ways to communicate your feelings to him in a way that isn't overwhelming to you and is understandable to him. I know you'll find a way. You obviously love him enough to move mountains for him, you'll find a way to make it work.

Hang in there mom!! ! It really does get better. I can't believe I had two more kids after my first. It was sooo hard, but I loved him soooo much. I did have a second because I wanted him to have a sibling, and guess what? My second son was totally the easiest baby ever. As long as I kept the food coming he was a happy guy. It turns out he's also an Aspie with ADHD, he's just different from his brother.

PS - 7 mos you say? Ha, he's going to be walking in a few months and then the cuddle demands will slow down and you'll be chasing him to keep him out of trouble. I hope that'll be easier for you, though for most of us it's harder. For you it might be a total relief.

Thanks

well, yeah, he's crawling and cruising already and he already has times where he doesn't want me to hold him, but when he wants me to hold him it must happen NOW, LOL. Even if I'm overwhelmed or doing something. And sometimes it seems he wants me to play with him on the floor, even if he doesn't want cuddles. I'm not good at impromptu play. So I think I bore him.
Yes, I think it will be easier for me when he's running around....weirdly.

Well, this probably isn't going to make you feel any better, but when my daughter was that age I was the stay-at-home caregiver with a part time job to which I carried the baby in her car seat and sat her on the floor next to me while I worked. I simply immersed myself in the joys and didn't consider how it all was affecting my AS because at the time, I'd never heard the term Asperger Syndrome.

I can't really identify with your problems getting other things done because the child being there didn't keep me from picking up or cooking or vacuuming. I mean, the baby demanded a great deal of care, yes, but not every single second. Most babies will lie in bed and play with their toes or sit in a high chair gnawing on a cracker for the time it takes to do dishes, and be happy just listening to someone sing or talk to them. The only real nightmare time I had to deal with was a bout of Colic. Those were horrible, stressful, sleepless nights.

I must admit, I did spend every precious minute of nap time indulging my own interests. In any case, I survived it and I don't regret a minute of it. Few Dads get a chance to share that part of their child's life and bond with them so completely. I may not like most people touching me, but holding my child close to me - that I couldn't get enough of. Clean babies smell so good.

Personally, I found that my partner caused me more stress and unhappiness than keeping up with the child ever did.

I can tell you this that might give you a glimmer of hope - it gets progressively easier, as the child becomes better able to communicate and to entertain themselves for longer periods. As they become toddlers, they also begin to develop their own routines and you can adapt your routine to theirs, so both of you can relax a bit. Hang in there, the hardest part is almost past already. Its all worth it in the long run.

All that was 17 years ago for me and I'd love to have the chance to do it again.

Yes, I also love cuddling him. I didn't mean for it to sound that way. it's just that by the end of the day, with all the cuddling and everything, I'm useless.

I guess I just need to stop complaining. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just wish I could have a little order to take care of some basic things. I'll just try to get over it, make a schedule, and stick to it.

I don't know. Maybe there something wrong with me. Maybe I have postpartum depression. I don't think so though, I would expect to feel worse (even though I feel pretty depressed right now, I still feel love for my son and do not regret having him).

If it makes you feel any better My son (3) has As and I also have a 20 month old and my house always seems in complete dissaray and I generally have felt like you before.Even now having my house so disorganized makes me feel out of control and depressed some days! But it seems I always snap put of it and make myself realize I need to appreciate the present day.I have great anxiety and the thought that I can't do it and other moms do it like it is nothing (being a mother) makes me feel horrible.But I know if you are parenting correctly then it is hard!! ! You kind of "lose yourself" or feel like you do.I'm told as they age you get more and more of you back.Your not alone believe me but I appreciate you being honest.I bet you feel better just venting-I know I do lol.Some days, my son who has behavior issues, and my daughter, who never seems to sleep just wear me out unbelievably.

Oh, also, I was Dx BECAUSE I was having problems after he was born. My husband suspected it, but I wasn't sure. Even though I thought I might be I never thought I'd have any trouble being a stay at home mom because of it. I was very recently Dx, only about 3 months ago. So now, I know WHY I'm having issues and I know that I CAN deal with them, if I can only figure out what will work best for me, and I know I will have to come up with that myself, but I just thought maybe someone had dealt with similar stuff and might have some way that seemed to work for them. I thought it might point me in the right direction.

I don't know many stay at home parents with little guys who aren't useless by the end of the day. You're probably seeing other parents when they are out and about, but don't see them collapsing in the privacy of their own homes later on.

Some babies do require more attention than others. Just because you've got one who is this demanding now doesn't mean any future babies will be, or that they won't be...or worse. My eldest was the joy of my life but the most difficult child I'd ever known. Even strangers commented at his high energy level and extreme demands so I think he must have been pretty above average in that department. Number two, as I said earlier, was incredibly easy. He hardly ever cried or made demands. Number three was very intense but not as demanding of me.He was always on the go but didn't seem as intent on killing himself as number one was. Three kids, same parents, as different as different can be.

Parents of babies are supposed to be exhausted and it's OK to complain. If it helps you deal with the stress of it, so you can be a better parent, complain away.

its pretty easy to be overwhelmed as a new mom, on the spectrum or not. i was lucky in that my first was an incredibly easy baby, never cried at all and ate and slept well. my second was almost as easy, but my third was the most demanding HOLD ME NOW baby of the three and he is my aspie. i love my kids but am not one of those moms who want to hold a baby all day, so im glad i had them in the order i did or i may have less children =)

a few suggestions...

make a routine for taking care of yourself and try to stick to it. regular showers, eat on schedule (stock your fridge with healthy quick snacks you can grab), and try to get some alone time every week at least. this is vital for your wellbeing and your ability to care for your baby. talk to your husband about this. aspie or not, he may have to step out of his comfort zone. it is not fair for him to get zone out time if you do not get any. and taking care of a needy baby is a 24 hour job, its not one you get to go home from. when he is home, you should split the childcare so you both get breaks.

find some local moms groups, play groups, etc. social things may not be your preference, but if you meet other mothers, you may find some willing to swap some baby care time with you. that means you watch hers and she watches yours so you each can get some time off.

hire a mothers helper. they are generally girls around 12-18 who can come in and help out. they usually work cheaper than daycare and its not full time. even if its just one day a week for a few hours, she can come in and do laundry or play with the baby while you read or take a nap. it would let you get a break without leaving your child completely with someone else. like hiring a babysitter but you dont leave the house. maybe someone in your church or neighborhood, or a coworker of your husbands, has a daughter willing to do it or knows someone who babysits who would do it.

dont be afraid to let things slide. dishes dont have to be done every day. laundry can pile up a bit and no one gets hurt. i used to have to remind myself that my babies wouldnt be babies forever, the most important thing was that they had a calm happy mother, and they didnt give a rats behind if they spent the hot summer day in just a diaper or were fed from a paper plate. btw, paper plates are awesome when you want to reduce household chores =)

and if you are tired and overwhelmed and your baby goes down for a nap.... dont do the chores. take the time to nurture yourself like you do your baby. zone out, indulge your obsessions, take a nap. the order of importance should be baby, yourself, and THEN the household chores.

Thanks

Yeah I think he is pretty high maintenance. Not as much as some other maybe, but everyone who meets him always says how energetic he is and that we've "spoiled" him. Well, when he cries I try to take care of it. I have a hard time telling between the TYPES of cries so I try and see if he needs anything every time. But I THINK, or at least it seems to me, that this is some form of strange flattery that NT moms do. They seem to mean it in a complimentary way, which is just bizarre to me. So I just laugh it off now, instead of tying to justify myself to them. I just try and tell myself they mean it in a good way (like I'm SO good at parenting he's "spoiled" because of it).

Thanks for the outlet. I think I'm going to try and write out a schedule for ME (I already have one for him), because then I might actually remember to do stuff. Like eat

I know when I say it to a mom with a baby who seems really high maintenance I'm trying to be supportive and acknowledge that the mom really is working harder than average. I don't want to say anything negative as that wouldn't be helpful or polite, but I do want to validate her if she's wondering if she's just a big wimp for being so tired or is her baby a bit busier than usual. It's meant as encouragement.

Some moms who've never had a difficult baby will think that if you just did things their way your baby would be as easy as theirs was. Ignore them. They are idiots.

Ugh, double post. Sorry

I am probably not AS myself (or borderline if I am), but I can SOOOO relate to the frustration you are feeling. PLENTY of moms feel that way when they have a baby in the home, especially if the child is high maintenance. My husband and I wanted to laugh out hysterically when my SIL said one day, "well, you were lucky, you had easy babies." Um, I guess I just didn't complain to HER as loudly as she did to EVERYONE. *I* had the child who sent multiple potential nannies (professionals, no less) home in TEARS, who got kicked out of the few group care situations I was willing to try, and inspired a friend of my mine to say, while pregnant, that "if this baby is like your son, no offense, as I adore him, but I think I'll shoot myself." But he still was the coolest baby, EVER. Just exhausting beyond belief.

Thankfully, my second child was the easy baby. Yes, I had a second anyway; it was the plan.

Turns out my first was AS, and that was the explanation for a lot of his difficulty. AS babies tend to be either easy or difficult, and not a whole lot of "average." When you are AS yourself, it isn't difficult for the needs of the baby to run full on into your own sensory issues.

And then there is the possibility of postpartum depression - despite having an easy baby the second time around, I went into that little doozy.

You are right to conclude that there are no simple answers. People can only share what worked for them; you have to figure out what will work for you. And, somehow, all parents eventually do. Be sure you have space to cry and scream and just let it all out, and if there is any social side to you at all a new mother's support group can be a huge lifeline. Mine was the best; they were never judgmental and not a one ever acted like they had all the answers; just 8 women who all felt they needed someone to be going through at least at little of what they were going through.

Then, think hard about what relief you can afford to buy yourself, if any. Maybe it doesn't need to be childcare; maybe you'll just be happy if you know the house is clean (maid service costs less ) or if you have a place you can go and safely almost ignore your child (we have a children's museum in the area with these toddler rooms that were like that for me - I bought a membership).

I wish you the best. Children are wonderful, but they are not easy. Part of life teaching you that everything worth having seems to come with a steep price
.

I am NT, and I remember feeling overwhelmed too. I was so happy to have my baby though, but he was a horrible sleeper! I still get bothered when I hear other people say that their baby is sleeping through the night when they were like 6 weeks old! My son did not sleep through the night until he was almost 3 yrs old!! !! ! I was always exhausted and was still taking naps when he was 3. It was really depressing. I just did the best I could at cleaning. I was able to just "spot" clean, though, it didn't bother me the way it seems to bother you. As long as I kept up the dishes, and the toilets didn't get too disgusting, then everything else could wait. BTW, my son did turn out to be an Aspie.

If your husband is offering, then go ahead and hire someone to come in and clean for you. Maybe you could just leave the house with the baby and go somewhere while they come in and get it under control for you. There is nothing wrong with having someone to do your cleaning if you can afford it. My old boss had NO Children, and she had someone cleaning her house.

One thing I did while I was feeding or holding my baby was read or watch tv while I was doing it. I would even get on the computer while I was holding him with one arm.

DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF! DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE NOT A GOOD MOM! I think a lot of first time moms feel this way. I would keep seeing your therapist though and make sure you are not suffering from post partum depression. I think once you get more of a routine, and a little more time for yourself, then things will start to look up for you.

Even with everything I went through, I would have loved to have another one, but my age was a factor. But, maybe you can give yourself a bit more time with this baby before you decide.......

Good luck!