Environments

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As a parent with a child with HFA, do you find the schools blame you for your child's behaviours? My son seems to be doing well at school.. at least now. When he first transferred to his new school, prior to his diagnoses, he had a hard time adjusting. Lots of things happening: new school, new staff, children, plus daycare was on strike that year so he was going to a family daycare where the mom had an older son who was not very "accomodating". Anyway, I was blamed then too because he had a few behaviours, mainly, not listening to the adults, touching other's belongings, acting silly in the washrooms, etc

Anyway, it seems I've been black-marked (unofficially) with the belief that my son has anger issues towards me specifically, and that it's due to my parenting skills that he's misbehaving at home. As I've said in other threads, my son goes through cycles I've yet to understand. He will go through weeks/months where his behaviours are manageable and he's a happy child. Silly too. When he's in an "off" cycle, he is quite agressive and mainly verbal. When he was on medication, he was physically aggressive towards me often. Now, the physical part rarely happens.. as it did today.

I'm not perfect. I have a lot to learn and I have used strategies that have worked really well. I am 100% onboard. Since he was JUST diagnosed 5 months ago, we now qualify for a behaviour consultant to bounce ideas off of. I find it rather stressful that I am being judged to the extent that I have. Is this a common occurance?

i was recently diagnosed with AS. it has been a liberating experience, as well as enlightening. i wish i could have known about this earlier (i am nearly 30).

it sounds as if your son is still young. you are doing the right thing. i think if there was one thing i needed as a child and a young adult, it was someone to just listen to me. a lot of frustration comes from being misunderstood, and that causes behavior that normal people, aka neurotypicals, simply do not understand. especially with kids, people are very quick to jump to conclusions, and there is no limit to the extent of watercooler wisdom people think is legitimate. you should seek some diagnosis as well, as it is often genetic, and if you dont have any autistic tendencies, you may have others that may help you relate to your son. you have to think long term on this one. he is not just a kid. he is not just in a particular age group or educational class. he is a human, and these are his formative years. everyday contributes to the rest of his life. i think this is especially true with aspergers. one thing i think will be detrimental is to shelter him. dont just force him into things because YOU know its good for him, even with good intentions, rather, helo him UNDERSTAND why any activity, lessons, social interaction, etc is necessary. speak to him like an adult, and respect his intelligence. as with any conscious being, including non humans, one must first learn How To Communicate. you have to learn to speak his language. he likely does not yet understan that others dont speak his language, which is another source of frustration. i trust he has a little genius in him, he just need a little nurturing and gentle nudges, and to be asked a lot of questions...the right questions, and asked in the right way. i know for me there are always a million things in my head that are never spoken, because no one ever asked the right questions. sometimes people thought i was stupid, even when i understood what they were talking about more than they did. read his face. he maya or may not have trouble reading others faces, but ill bet he expresses his thoughts and emotions trough facial and body language, assuming that others are getting the message. learn to read him and help him express his thoughts and emotions in healthy ways Before they become a frustration.

MOST IMPORTANTLY>>>>>>
keep a DAILY journal. even if you dont know what to write, start out every post with "i really dont know what to write today. why is it that so much is happening and i cant seem to put it down on paper?" it will start to flow. i think this will be the single most important thing you can do to help yourself and your son. why?

sometime in the near future you will find an old journal entry, or an entire journal. you will casually pick it up and thumb through the pages. something will catch your eye and before you know it, you will have read several pages, and will be standing there with your mouth gaping because you cant believe how differently you perceived your world only a few short months/years before. i call this external memory, and it is the single greatest tool to get to know yourself or a loved one. this will also have the added benefit of giving your son a baseline as he grows older to know exactly how he is growing, and who he was. this will be invaluable to his maturation. encourage him to write his own journal AND DO NOT READ IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES UNLESS HE SHOWS YOU. his conversation with himself be be even more enlightening to him. remember, the ultimate goal is to allow him to function as a complete and whole individual, exercising his strengths and aware of his weaknesses. no one can ask for more than that.

you sound like the best mother he could ask for. take a deep breath. learn to turn off your receptors when ignorance comes knocking, and dont let it become a martyrdom for your son. that will only hurt you both. what he has is not a disease, but is merely a difference. it is neither his fault nor yours that the system is calibrated for a different perception.

with as much human love good vibes as i can offer,

metaevol.

It's VERY common unfortunately. In my experience with the school system, if they can't see the disorder, it doesn't exist. I went through this exact same situation several years ago with my daughter(diagnosed Bipolar-1 with mania), and the school was only interested in punishing the behaviors(running away, meltdowns, verbal outbursts) that manifested from her disorder.

Does your son have an IEP yet? I know it's only been 5 months, and you may have some "homework" to do, but an IEP with a Behavior Intervention Plan will force the school to address your son's behaviors in a more appropriate manner. School officials can be lazy, and they prefer to just punish punish punish as per their usual mode, rather than go the extra mile and try to get to the root of the matter in a logical way.

Don't let them foist all of this off on you; that's the mentally lazy route, and you don't have to put up with it.

I am sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately too many parents of kids with ASDs get this attitude from multiple sources. We even question ourselves without the "help" of any outside sources. It is hard, but know that you are doing the right things, you are taking steps to help your child and even if your efforts never appear to others to be working, to the extent that your child has perfect behavior (who's kid does?), know in your heart that you are doing right by him. I have heard several parents ask "What am I doing wrong?" even when they are trying everything under the sun. Those parents are suffering becasue they think they are failing their children. You're not failing him, just try to keep that thought in your heart!

It's unfortunately very common to be blamed. I gave my son's former school just over 12 months to pull their fingers out and start taking note that, yes he does in fact have a dx now (so no it wasn't me) and to start putting some accommodations in place. They failed miserably.
In the end we moved schools. We needed a fresh start with people that hadn't formed a biased opinion already.

Thanks for the support everyone!

metaevol:

well ive done the online screening and don't meet the criteria, however, I couldn't help but laugh at some of the questions that DID apply to me. i have certain "issues" that bother me: auditory/visual sensitivity, tactile defensiveness, rigid routines and diets..


i dont shelter him in the sense that he's always been involved in extra-curricular activities: sports, clubs, events .. whether he's good at them or not. he's always open to trying new things and that's one of his strengths. i may be sheltering him in the sense of always trying to focus on preventative measures. im working on that one.


who? me or my son? he has difficulties with written/verbal expression. he does have a diary i thought he could use to "vent" in .. or write whatever he wanted to. he started it a while back but never really continued with it. gathering thoughts onto paper is harder for him .. and both of our memories suck.


wow, thank you .. and i can't say i'd agree. im very critical of myself and always worrying about all of my mistakes i make in parenting him. sometimes i get frustrated too!! !! !

Bauhauswife:

He's had an IEP since kindergarten (he's in grade 5 now) because of a brain injury he had at birth. i used to think a lot of his "issues" were brain injury related. i also work with children with autism .. which I'm very good at. with my own child, we have a different relationship so i have more struggles with him (and as a preteen) then i do with the other children.

Bombaloo:

does this quote come in a t-shirt?? yes, i think i am failing him all the time. my anxieties get the best of me and i can't sleep at night. i can't stop thinking everyone is looking down on me .. and if i have a hard day myself (emotionally) then it's "proof" that his issues are because of me. i have done a lot of advocacy for him. i have given him a lot of opportunities.. and structure. i front-load him as often as i can to prep him for a situation. im also not perfect and shut down when he's going through a 3-week cycle.. which seems to only be happening at home.

sometimes i just want to move, transfer schools.. but then i know it would be hard on him and the support he is getting now at school, is actually quite positive. there's not a lot of schools that have social skills groups, which he takes part in several times a week. the school itself im happy with (now). it's the judgement i get from people who don't understand what it's really like to live with a child with ASD. i know first hand because i see the situation from both sides: personally and professionally. professionally, i've had people say "they look up to me" or they seek me for advice because they respect the job that i do. personally, people say i'm not a good mom .. or at least they imply or make me feel like im not. and i agree with them.

aurea:
im glad your new school is working out better for you

I think your feelings are a very natural part of having a child with autism or any other developmental delay. But I also think it means that you care about how much of an impact you're having on his life. I sometimes wonder if I'm doing all that I can to help my son, if there's something I'm missing that I should be seeing. I see what strategies are working for other parents and when they don't work with my son, I think I must be doing something wrong. It can make you feel like a failure sometimes. "I'm not trying hard enough", "I don't have the dedication that they have".
But I have to remind myself that, just like NT children, all children with autism aren't alike either, and that there is no surefire method that works across the board with all of them. So I just keep plugging away.

You ARE a good mom; if you didn't care about your child, you wouldn't be here on this board seeking help and support from peers. You have to take care of your needs too. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing my autonomy to my son's autism, and it's hard sometimes not to fall into that pattern where everything is about your child. Try to take time for yourself, even if you have to schedule it into your week.