How do YOU deal with parenting stress and anxiety?

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I am interested to know how other moms and dads deal with the stress and anxiety that comes with parenting our children with ASDs.

Full disclosure: I'm undiagnosed, but I suspect I am somewhere on the spectrum myself, so I'm already prone to general anxiety, I have trouble regulating my emotions, and I have a bit of social anxiety as well as mild sensory issues.

When I'm in a bad place (right about now) I feel very overwhelmed at having to try to model and teach my son how to cope with his own anxiety, how to regulate his emotions and manage his sensory needs. I'm doing the best I can, but in the evenings, every day, I look back on the day and usually have one or two things that I feel terrible about in terms of how I dealt with my son when I was overwhelmed. I know I can't be perfect and that I'm a good mom, but I feel a lot of pressure to not screw up especially when the consequences of my screw up can have such a spiraling and lasting affect on my son.

My husband and others (and advice websites, books, etc, etc) say that parents of children with ASDs need a strong support system and time away and relaxing hobbies but I've found myself without really any of these. A lot of these things have eroded away over time as I've needed to focus so much time and energy (mental, emotional, and physical) on parenting and now educating him. When I have free time, I don't know what to do with myself and there is always something looming in the back of my mind that I need to do or research or whatever, for my son. It's almost like a special interest or obsession except it's not particularly fun or relaxing.

We are in the process of pulling my son out of his preschool with 5 weeks left of school! Just dealing with the parade of teachers, therapists, doctors etc. is enough to send me into a fit of panic attacks lol. I know we will have years of this ahead and that is horrifying to me because of my social anxiety. I will always argue for my son and stand up for what he needs but it is extremely difficult and at time like this when I am having meetings at school and dealing with idiot teachers and administrators the anxiety is pretty awful.

I think I'm rambling here now. I know everyone here can totally relate to most, if not all, of what I'm saying. How do you deal? Will the years just pile up like this? I know I will get through it, I just don't know how.

As always, thanks for listening and thanks in advance for any words of advice.

I am in no place to advise you, but would like to share my experience here with you.

The one thing that has REALLY helped me is to keep myself busy. I notice that when I have time to think, I go crazy with the "over think". My son is almost 5 but still completely nonverbal and I homeschool him. He can be the sweetest, most compliant kid one moment, and a totally adamant and obstinate little fellow the next. He seems to change from minute to shining minute and there are days when I have spent more time chasing him around the house than actually getting any schooling done. The harder the task (for example, looking at a book ! !), the more likely it is that he will escape or try to escape, so our "desk" is really his high chair, with him strapped in and me singing colors and shapes and the wordings of books to him. I know that sounds terrible, but it is better than sending him off to the awful school he used to go to where he was neglected and allowed to stim all day long. He was considered an "easy kid" and the staff supposedly preferred to direct their energies and resources to a couple of right royal terrors in that classroom. So much for an "education". Well, you get what you pay for, and the public education is "free" for a very good reason !

My son is adorable. When he was attending the preschool program with the district, he would whine when I went to drop him off and would look dazed & confused when I went to pick him up. He would usually prefer to sit in a corner and stim the rest of the afternoon. I realize now that the classroom environment had probably been traumatic for my little boy and he simply hadn't had the means to communicate it to me, until a little insider birdie did me a "favor" and told me exactly what was happening behind closed doors.

I pulled him out, and have kept him home, ever since. Our lives have now changed for the better. I don't have to deal with the idiot school staff and the nefarious district's special-ed administrators, so there is NO DRAMA in my life anymore. And, my son seems happier, too, although he resists my attempts to give him an "education". He smiles more and I get a rare hug, once in a while. When Dad gets home, his face lights up and his real personality comes out - there is occasionally some social smiling, and more attempts to communicate non verbally. He is certainly happier at home and we are happier with him.

Please note, I am not suggesting that you remove your kid from preschool and homeschool him. Homeschooling is not for everyone and it is not my intention to tell you to do what we had to do. But it worked for us because it helped me avoid confrontations with the school staff and cut the drama out. I am basically a peace loving person but putting my son in a district program converted me into a screaming, belligerent, harpy.

As for friends & family - the only people I am close to now is a friend from elementary school and another friend who is also parenting a child on the spectrum. The rest either don't "get it" or don't want to hear about it. Enough said.

I don't have a lot of free time on my hands because I also have an older child and a husband. But when I do (usually in the evenings after hubby takes the kids to play outside), I read a lot, surf the web, cook, watch some TV and just chill out in my living room. Being alone in the defeaning silence is an awesome experience after a day mostly full of chaos ! ! I have recently started reading for entertainment again, and not just for autism research, and it helps unwind a bit, too.

No fire, no steel. I truly believe that as time goes by, we special needs parents become warrior Moms & Dads, and you will eventually settle down, find your way around & learn to deal with the morons life sends your way !

BTW, how old is your son and is he verbal ?

Hi HisMom, I've read some of your other posts.
My son will be 4 in July. He is verbal (he talks a lot in scripts and echolalia but can communicate with us effectively, answers questions, follows instructions etc.) and I guess pretty "high functioning" with some cool special abilities. He can be (and is lately) extremely difficult in terms of compliance and other behaviour issues, and he has a lot of sensory issues that are becoming more and more apparent as he gets older but he has made big strides this year in some areas- mainly sleep and communication, which we are ecstatic about. I try to remember the huge progress he has made when we're having a tough time, and remind myself that things are getting better even though every day is really, really hard.

Your son's experience in school sounds a bit like my son's. The first half of the year was ok with some bad patches, now they just seem to be managing him and tolerating him rather then even attempting to include or engage him. He is acting out more and more because I think he recognizes the way he is being shuttled around and he is under-stimulated intellectually. He's very perceptive and probably also aware that the teachers have given up with him and he can sense their feelings of frustration and possibly hostility towards him. It's pretty bad. He asks to stay home all the time and is so happy to be picked up and brought home. They don't make any effort to understand him I guess.
I will be homeschooling him for KG1 next year and I guess we'll see what happens after that. Although it will be stressful having him at home all day every day for me, and overwhelming in some ways, at least I won't be having panic attacks about having to confront his teachers about one thing or another every day and having none of it make any difference.
I have one other kid- my daughter just turned 1 last week.

I totally hear you about friends and family not "getting it". That's one of the hardest parts. My son can seem very NT when we meet people (or sometimes totally not, depending on the day) so that adds another degree of difficulty and misunderstanding. I would love to surround myself with other ASD parents but even most of those I've met seem to be operating in their own sphere and of course dealing with their own stuff. Well meaning family are often the worst to deal with- they want to help, but they just can't. My MIL accuses us on the daily of being too "rigid" with my son's routines and is venemous when we try to instruct her on how *exactly* to deal with things with my boy.

I do feel like I need to spend some time rediscovering my self... finding what I enjoy doing and exploring new and old interests again. I am just coming out of that intense baby-rearing phase where it is easy to lose one's self so I have that excuse and I'm hoping as the kids get older I will be more ME as well as mom. It's hard though.

Your son sounds very sweet. It would be so neat if someday all the parents and kids on wrong planet could meet and have a big party... that somehow catered to everyone's sensitivities! lol

I've learnt that if I don't look after myself I will not be in a fit state to look after DD. My special interest is TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) and there is little fun or relaxing about that really but there are aspects of it that are more enjoyable than others and at the moment I am into food energetics. Went into the woods some weeks back and picked loads of nettles to make soup. Have tried a few other recipes that worked out really well and with spring well on the way I am now putting all my energy into gardening and growing some stuff I hope to eat in new-found recipes
There is something intensly satisfying about planting a seed and seeing it grow.

Teaching DD to cope with her own anxiety is not something I am any good at and combined with how bad she was doing at her mainstream school, she went into special education last November as an intern for her behavioural problems (tantrums, and not listening). She had become very argumentative and everything turned into a discussion which in the end just wore me out and I felt my brain was crumbling away from continuously battles.
The psychologist she had been seeing up to that point agreed that DD needed more structure than what I could offer and being a very social child the boarding would give her more of a chance to learn about friendships.

It has, she has been there 7 months now (minus the holidays and she is home at weekends) and there is a weekly (phone)contact with the pedagogue. I have had 3 or 4 meetings with the case worker and she is now happy to communicate by e-mail so I no longer have to deal with going there and finding myself in a different meeting room every time
What I have been told is that my expectations of DD are more or less on par with her abilities so DD needs to work on herself.
Only last night she broke a pen in two in a fit of controlled anger and when we talked of it later she asked me how she was supposed to control it in another way. She brought me to tears because I can not begin to explain to her how I deal with my own frustrations beyond that I do the excercises that she has seen me do and which she is not interested in.

I do some qi gong but it is not something I can teach her. She refuses point blank to go on a tai chi or yoga class but does go horse riding up to 2 times a week and that helps her focus.
I am semi dreading the 2 months summer school holidays coming up in July-August but have quite a few things planned so also kind of looking forward to it.
I think on the whole it is uphill and I do remind myself of that nearly every time she gets the blood from under my toenails.
I make a point of making up before bed-time if we have had an argument or discussion and never make promises I know I am not likely to keep.

Hi,
I hear you loud and clear. I'm a stay at home mom with three kids, ages 2, 5 and 10 and the oldest has AS so I have plenty of parenting related stress. Here are the things that help me:
1. Daily structure.
2. Getting out every day if at all possible.
3. Alone time when possible.
4. Exercise.
5. My hobby.

On those days when I'm just feeling super stressed I take a long walk when my husband gets home.

Good luck,

Alone time, definitely. If I could not decompress sometimes with special interests and video games, I would lose my mind.

Happy birthday to your daughter ! !

Yes, it would be lovely to have a grand get-together of all the parents on WP ! At least for the first 10 minutes,

Lately it's been chardonnay.

Thanks. I really have to work on the daily structure thing now that my boy will be home all day. We operate pretty loosely on a schedule based around meal times and my daughter's naps and those things run like clockwork. He doesn't seem to mind but maybe he could do with a more fixed routine now. I also have to work on my own organizational skills... and self-motivation to do it all.
I plan a lot of activities, crafts, and projects for the kids and I to do and when we are busy things generally go well. I need those days when I just let him sift sand in the sandbox and listen to music, watch TV and play with his iPad though. I think he needs them too. I always feel guilty about it though, like I can never do enough.

What video games do you play?
I'm really not much of a gamer though sometimes I think I could be. I'm way behind the times now though and don't know what's out there. I used to play Sid Meier's Civilization religiously...until I didn't like the new versions anymore. I think the last one I like was CIV 4. Then there was a brief phase in Uni when I was very good at Counterstrike and that was lots of fun.

Do you play anything with your son?

I need to work on making my alone time more about me and my needs. It's hard- I've fallen into that mom trap where I'm always always last on the list. There is always something that needs to be done for the kids. I'm hoping this will get better as they grow up.

DS and I both play Civilization. I think it's an aspie thing.

I play minecraft with my family, including my son. He loves it, and I highly recommend getting on together. We talk, plan, laugh, go on adventures... He can be strong and brave and creative - all the things he can't manage in real life. He started when he was 4, amazingly quick to pick it up.

Routine is key for us, I have a 10 year old, and one year old too. I found liquid chalk on a glass surface works wonders - currently the routine is written on the cabinet/hutch. Just a list of what to do before 8am, and then before 4pm in the afternoon, and then jobs for dinner time. It is very near to the iPad times (also has to be regulated). I write four lots of '5' and if they have to be asked to do a task a time is lost for the next day. I've only done this once though! And that was for my older daughter. They tick off items when they are done, or rub off the time for the day for the iPad. Then he is in control and knows what's what. I remind him to look at the list about ten times a morning, because he forgets what he's doing a lot. But it's better than yelling about shoes etc. It also means if everything is ticked they can play minecraft before school. We are never late, no yelling, so it works.

I rubbed it all off for the holidays, giving them a break etc.... He was mortified! I had to write up a special holiday one, lol.

To relax I play games, cook, watch crap tv or a sci-fi series. Walking to school helps. I make myself invite people for coffee so don't lose touch with everyone.

I took my son out of day care when he was 3/4. Best decision ever. Hard to do the shopping though. Now I know why things were the way they were, but I didn't at the time. He is in school now, and they are working hard to help him through. They have a great special ed unit, who are going to step in now too. Fingers crossed we can make it a good space, not so painful for him.

For stress and anxiety, I read a lot, mostly on the bus to work and back or on my lunch hour. I watch movies in the evenings, which I really like to do and I usually have one or both of my daughters watching with me. I also go to my boyfriend's place once a week for a few hours to get away from parenting. I also like to go on walks on my lunch hour or do yoga early in the morning or right after work. I don't get much time alone at home because my girls are 13 and usually go to bed around the same time that I do.

I don't have time to play very many. Right now I am doing Skyrim Legendary (All the expansions, included) and it is enormous. So, I don't have time for any others. At this rate it will take me forever to finish, which is fine.

My son plays old text-based games like Zork and Enchanter. I am going to make a board game version that we all can play together. He also plays things like Candy Crush and Fruit Ninja.

We do play 2-person educational games, but my "fun" games are way too intense for him.

Stress, not much. I make sure to give myself a space to cry because it is ok to be sad but you have to choose when to be so as an inconvenient time is often an impossible time. Getting sad when my son is with me is a waste of his and my time I guess. I view going to work as an escape.

Long walks and bike rides.
Video games
Books.
Coursera
Writing computer code
Meditation
Lorazepam (last resort, seems to be needed only a few times a year)