High school refusal -- need help!

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My daughter with Asperger's is 16 yo. in 10th grade. We only have a month of school left but I don't know how we will get through it! She has spent the last week and a half in a partial hospital program due to depression and suicidal ideation as her psychiatrist and I felt an inpatient hospital would not be helpful (was traumatized from being in one before -- overstimulating and understimulating ...). The counselor at the partial program asked her if she was still thinking about suicide and she said no so instead of keeping her the full 10 weekdays so we could have a school meeting three days before discharge and have a plan, they told me Thursday night that Friday was her last day due to insurance refusing to pay further. I have let the school know that I won't have her go back until there is a plan. She was doing great in 3 of her classes(A's!) and enjoying them. She had a conflict with the teacher in her English class about a book (Native Son -- theme is about murder, rape, and violence and she refused to do any work on it), got a 45% for thir marking period and then stopped going to class during 4th marking period and was going to library instead. I tried to work with the school about this -- let's cut our losses, better she continues doing well in other classes and takes incomplete in this one class -- and I also registered her for cyber school for next year. School emailed our psychiatrist that it is not acceptable for her to pick and choose what classes she attends. So she got detention and was sick that day (she gets stomach aches and headaches when she is overwhelmed and refuses to go...). After trying one antidepressant she stopped sleeping more than 5 hours a night. She is on a new antidepressant and is sleeping 7.5 hours per night. I dread her going back to school almost as much as she does. I have a meeting with the mental health specialist Monday and an IEP on Wednesday. Can I ask to have school provide work for her to do at home for a month (do I have this right)? I really want to at minimum have a shortened school day. I think they are now questioning the ASD diagnosis and thinking she's just oppositional... Any suggestions?

Wow. I'm surprised that a school would insist minors read a book about murder, rape, and violence. It seems like those topics might be a trigger for some students, as well as conflicting with the moral/religious views of some parents. I have not read that book myself, but are the rape passages in any way graphic? I'm asking because generally parents have the right to refuse any lesson that involves sexual content. For pity's sake, why won't they let her just read a different book?

There is that option but I didn't realize what was going on until the marking period ended and now my daughter is just done with the teacher and the class and despite having an option to possibly do a different book, she is shut down regarding the whole situation... (I read the book after finding this out and it is TERRIBLE -- especially the part where the guy cuts off the woman's head so he can stuff her in the furnace to destroy the evidence...). To be honest, I don't care if she fails this English class. I just don't want the other classes to end up a wash too if she refuses to go -- she had great grades in them and despite trying to not hold out hope about what her future is (just let it unfold without expectations), I can't imagine her NOT going to college. But if she fails everything this marking period for non-attendance or is listed as truant and ends up in court, I can't imagine what her transcript for 10th grade will look like...

homeschool, OR if you get a Dr note or letter stating she cant come to school for the reason of anxiety, etc...they have to send a teacher to your house. I guess it depends on where you live but that happens here.

I am not usually the one to recommend this b/c I know a good one can be pricy, but this sounds like a job for an advocate.

A threat of a lawsuit might set this straight. (Also something I don't usually say.)

They knew she had a delicate, fragile psychological state--gave no alternatives to this book, when it was clearly traumatizing to her, and then gave her detention for being out due to the distress they caused her. This is how it looks to me, and I think they need to give her a way to make up whatever credits this has cost her.

Thanks for your thoughts. The problem is that now she is "done" with this English class. Don't know if you have experienced this but when she gets a set opinion in her mind (in this case regarding the teacher of this class), she becomes immovable. So trying to get her to do different work for this class is difficult if not impossible... And at this point, I don't care about English. But this month is long ahead of us and her sister, who is her favorite person in the world, is graduating June 4 and has currently been doing an internship so doesn't need to attend high school anymore and will be going to Cornell U. in the fall! (ALL adding stress to this situation as it has become more the of the focus of our life and is likely constantly in 16-yr-old's mind.) I have a friend who is an advocate in a different county (we were college roomates and her son is autistic) who might be able to go to these meetings with me (thanks for that advice!). Any other thoughts? I could use some!

Maybe I shouldn't even say anything b/c I don't even have my kids in school, but I would hold them to the truth. Your child is not picking and choosing and refusing as a typical teen. She has a known disability and the school actually caused her problems. She is responding as a typical ASD person. This is what you expect from an ASD person. When they are "done", they are done. The school caused the problem, so they have to allow the proper fixes.

(How you hold to this, I'm sorry I don't know.) Good luck to you.

Is it important to her or to you that she attend the last month of the other 3 classes? Perhaps you could use her recent hospitalization as a reason to request that she go on homebound instruction for the last month. Basically a tutor will come to the house for a few hours a week and your daughter would just have to complete the assignments on her own.

Definitely take your advocate friend to the meeting! Since you're already planning to transfer for next year, your main concern is to see that she is given a way to complete the work for this semester and get credits for her transcript.

This is very common with ASD and NOT oppositional. If my son knows he is "supposed to" do one thing and can't for whatever reason, he will reject the alternatives b/c it is not what he is "supposed to do." This is par for ASD. In a way it the opposite of oppositional behavior IMO because the child is refusing to do the new thing because he/she is upset at not being able to comply with the initial task.

In addition, I am imagining what kids are like at 16, and I think many NT kids would have trouble with Native Son.

My son 15yrs school refusal everyday, he now seems to have lost all interests in his sports. I don't know if its an age stage, he does suffer from depression and anxiety. I am constantly in dispute with the school over his resource hours. He is a bright intelligent young man but end of year exam around the corner he doesn't want to study for them. If he thinks he won't do well in the exams he wont turn up. He thinks this is better than attending and not getting good marks, he worries that his peers will think he is stupid.

Next year he has final state exam and then I am hoping college but tbh I am dreading it. There is something amiss and I can't put my finger on it. I have put up a post recently, he is saying that he feels different and his friends don't like him anymore.

I am probably no help to you, I try to plan ahead but really I have to take it day by day. Its all very frustrating, we have a great relationship and he does talk to me. I feel he is not will to make any effort to resolve issue even when he is given the tools. Maybe its all too much pressure for your daughter and my son. I don't know how to ease the pressure other than him not going to school. If he stayed at home he would not be willing to study or do homework.

Its like he has given up and I don't know what is the next step. Here's hoping its another phase and that it will solve itself. Sorry for the rant

Annmaria, it sounds like depression is going on in addition to the Aspergers (you did mention depression and anxiety anyway). The loss of interest is a big red flag about this. My daughter has had depression on and off for years. We just tried an antidepressant earlier this year that worked great for the first two weeks except her sleep went from occasional 5 hours nights mixed with 7 hour nights to only 5 hour nights for a month which continued for an additional month after we stopped the meds! Imagine the stress on top of not sleeping! At first she had felt better despite the lack of sleep as the medication was giving her some energy (there are stimulating antidepressants and more calming antidepressants and at the time, she seemed to need the more stimulating one). Anyway, she is on a different one now and is sleeping 7.5 hours most nights, has more energy, is no longer suicidal and seems less hopeless. The whole friend situation too has been horrible in high school. She had friends in middle school but now even with the couple she has stayed "friends" with, she doesn't do things with them outside school and says she doesn't know what to talk about anymore because she isn't in their classes (one friend is a grade ahead, the other is taking all AP and honors classes but has a different schedule than my daughter who only has 2 honors classes). I feel that it was in 9th grade that she really began feeling different. Maybe this is the situation with your son.

Also thanks other posters for comments. It has been great to hear what others think about my situation and how their kids deal with things (such as ASDMommyASDKid understanding the different work issue).

I also don't know if cyber school will work next year as my daughter hates doing school work at home (which is why we have not tried this option previously). Just to let you all know we have tried 2 other schools: our public vocational/technical school where she majored in graphic arts but then she developed an overuse injury on her hands and felt the graphics teacher -- a former silk screen/art teacher didn't know as much as she did about digital arts/computers as they are her "interest." There were also no honors level classes for 9th or 10th grade so she was bored academically. Then we tried a small charter school with only 350 kids at the high school level that had honors and AP classes which she excelled in for the first half of the school year until she began feeling like it wasn't a "real" school like her sister attended (because it was small and required wearing a collared shirt uniform -- HATES collars -- and a specific sweatshirt -- refused to wear it and had to wear an under armor shirt under her uniform if it was cold -- which I had to wash as she couldn't wear it dirty & one day it wasn't clean and she refused to take off her hooded sweatshirt, got in trouble and when I washed, dried and brought her under armor shirt to school where she was waiting in the office, she refused to put it on. She ended up hysterical and said she hated the school, didn't want to stay there, hated all their rules -- which were MANY -- and wished she was dead... That's when we changed to our public high school (which has 2,000 students!! !!) and here we are -- registered for cyber school for next year as a last resort. Just wanted to give you all the back story!

I am a therapist -- though I haven't worked in a year except to do some supervision for a therapist trying to get state license -- and I've helped young adults with Asperger's (I've only had a few Aspies, I've mainly had adults with depression and bipolar as clients) get on track -- get a job or go to college, get along better in their family and find friends with similar interests. I have heard from their parents what didn't work when they were younger and from them what they wished they had done (gotten involved with their interests in a way that could lead to a career such as going to vo-tech school or college so they wouldn't have to have menial jobs that aren't of their interest.) But my knowledge hasn't helped with my daughter (although we have learned more of what doesn't work for her...). I have found the mental health system to be very difficult to maneuver. While she was at the partial hospital, she had a problem one day in the cafeteria -- someone had a smelly lunch and she said she tried to deal with it for as long as she could (about 20 minutes) and then went out to the bathroom to waste some time. She couldn't stand it when she got back so she walked outside the door and stood in the hall reading a book. Let me note that I mentioned concern about lunchtime at intake. The space is a small room with no windows with 3 round tables and holds about 12 people. They close the door at lunch (my daughter does not eat lunch at school because she hates cafeterias due to the chaos, the noise, and smells so hasn't had lunch at school for 2 years). The staff got really upset that she had left the room and was unsupervised and I got a call asking me to pick her up and take her home as they were not prepared to deal with her "issues." (She did not do anything other than refuse to go back into the room with an odor and continued to stand in the hall reading her book -- this is what she always does if she can't cope -- reading IS her coping skill.) I asked what time lunch would be over and they said in 15 minutes. I told them it would take me 20 to get there and that having her come home would mean she would likely not want to go back again as conflicts/change of any kind stress her out. They agreed to let her stay with her therapist but noted this couldn't be done again. I offered to come and sit with her in the waiting room for the rest of the week for the 40 minutes of lunch. Please note that the "stinky lunch" was the staff's!! ! When I suggested they ask the staff to refrain from strong smelling food for the few more days my daughter would be there (I did NOT suggest the other patients do so but figured it was unlikely they would bring smelly food), I was told the program couldn't do that(!). I asked what would happen if my daughter had a peanut allergy. They said they likely wouldn't have been able to accommodate her in their program and reminded me that they had warned me that they didn't typically deal with kids with sensory issues... SOOOOO FRUSTRATING!! !! (It's been a REALLY difficult week! Sorry for the rant!)

I struggle with bouts of depression.  I have not yet tried antidepressants, but they are kind of my ace in the hole. 

What I've read is that it's usually important to phase down in steps, even if a medication doesn't seem to be working or has crummy side effects.  Plus, that it's trial and error in a respectful way, just that everyone's biochem is a little different and no doctor in the world can predict in advance.

My personal plan is five for five, be prepared to try five different antidepressants one a month for five months, under a doctor's supervision of course, and that's merely my Vegas over-under! (50% chance of working).  Actually, I've read a person trying a series of five different antidepressants has somewhat more than a 50% chance of hitting upon one which works.  But that's what I good naturedly tell myself.  And then, take a deep breath and be prepared to try it all over again with another series.  For myself, embrace the trial and error approach, as well as the responsible and cautious phase down.  Again, haven't yet tried it, this is merely my plan in reserve plus in line with what I've read, although doctors at times do seem slow to embrace the trial and error aspect.

PS  In fairness, I've also read that it can take eight to twelve weeks to tell if an antidepressant is going to work and that the crummy side effects do sometimes "settle down."  But this can too easily lead to an approach almost as if we're trying to be "nice" to a particular antidepressant and give it the maximum chance to work, as if we're living in a third world country with relatively few medications.  Well, for many of us, we're not living in a third world country.  We have a full pharmacopeia, and for crying out loud, let's use it.

I'd rather be nice to the person than the medication.  And for our sisters and brothers living in the third world, there has to be a better way of showing solidarity than this.

AardvarkGoodSwimmer: Antidepressants can be helpful but as you said it's a crap shoot whether they work or have side effects too difficult to deal with. The first one we tried was at its minimum dose so we were able to just stop it but it can take time to leave the system before you can try a new one. (So you likely couldn't try 5 in 5 months because there is the waiting time for it to work and then the titrating down if you are on a more than minimum dose and waiting for it to leave your system...) Unfortunately there is not a magic pill that just cures depression automatically!:)

Also realize new medications are coming out all the time so maybe by the time you decide to try an antidepressant, there will be one that works better or they will have a more scientific way of deciding which one to try for you!

Thanks for your comment.

Just to comment on the book Native Son, it is indeed very very violent. It is about how violence is created in America and how criminals can be created by their environment. The main character grows up in poverty around 1940 and is subject to abuse, and as he grows older he is continuously put in bad situation after bad situation that he can't navigate or get his way out of. If I remember it correctly the book opens up with the main character as a kid being attacked by a rat and having to kill it with a frying pan. It isn't a happy book. It does a pretty good job of showing how bad life can be for some people but it does this by being sensationalist and showing a real extreme, but realistic nonetheless, view.

Dadenstein and YippySkippy: Yes it is a terrible book and if I had realized how terrible (I didn't read it until the marking period was over and saw her terrible grade), I would have requested a different book though I'm not sure how they would have handled the fact that the book was the subject of all classwork for the whole marking period...

This might be a stupid question but does your school district have summer school? I had a friend who was in summer school every single year because in his mind it was easier to not do the work, get a rubber stamp from summer school, and move on. He honestly told me that summer school was like going to recess every day. If it is just English this might be the easiest way to go. If it is an option.

Also, as far as college goes admissions offices love the angle of I had a hard problem and I dealt with it/over came it angle. A disruption in school can always be shown in that light if that is what eventually happens...