Parental Wisdom

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Here are some do's to follow that you wont later regret. this concerns legal and custody matters. and may save your relationships as well.

Even though we all would like to hope our relationships last for ever, the truth is we autistics do have a hard time maintaining them and so they often fall apart. these suggestions are meant to help you if that happens.

Even though a man provides for his family, to the courts all that would mean is that you would do good on your child support. what they want to see is a history of involvement, not that you can only provide but also that can be proven your involved. do these simple things and it may save your arss in custody courts.

Always go to school meetings, show involvement.
When its time to take your children to a doctors for a checkup always try and go and be involved.
Take that time with your children to go do things that helps makes the children enjoy being with you and feeling thought of. things that are memorable, like rock/gem hunting, go to the coast to hunt sea shells, take them to the park allot, go hiking and other things quite often, Involve your children in your activities and you in theirs.
If the child has therapists keep up to date and involved (they record everything).
Take parenting classes, I have 6 certificates on my walls, believe me that helped, judges love that, esp if you were doing it long before any breakup or divorce.

In the courts, all they see is what you tell and provide them, so in the end it all mostly turns into finger pointing and whose got the most money to throw at the attorneys. but showing an active involvement goes a long ways with modern judges.

Many times when braking up, people throw accusations around true or not just to make the other person look bad, like for instance being accused of domestic violence or that of being a potential pedophile, this is done, true or not, to put doubts into the court peoples minds enough to say its better to be safe then sorry and then award most of the custody to the other parent. as well as used to get restraining orders so to keep from having to communicate and or otherwise compromise with the now ex-partner. but most of all many times custodial proceedings can take many months if not years, and the courts look at that concerning the childes situational stability, so if your child is with the ex that whole time the longer she has the children the more likely she will end up with the most custody in the end. When faced with such circumstances, when facing a judge, deny the allegations but then keep the focus on your family. judges are used to seeing such mud slinging its just they feel they have to be cautious about it all. tell the judge you just want access to your children because your ex is trying to keep and/or alienate them from you during or before the divorce. in other-words be honest about what you think or feel is happening, but try your best not to go into parent bashing. and try to maintain at least 50/50 time sharing with your children during the proceedings.

When the crap hit the fan with me, one of the first things I done was look up civil court judges blogs, specifically family court judges. this helped me see into their heads, and what their tired of seeing and what they like to see. much of what makes them sad and angry is that many parents when divorcing wants to take the children from the other parent because of either or wanting to hurt the other, or (more commonly) that of feeling the more custody they have the less they would have to see the ex-partner and have them less in their lives (in other-words their not thinking of the children). what they do like to see, is parents that have had a vary positive and active role in their children's lives, and recognize that its not so much you have a right to the children, as it is the children has the right to have both parents equally in their lives.

Beware when it comes to legal aid, its first come first serve and if your other got to them first it leaves you holding the bag.

When it comes to money, or lack of it, you can trump the others attorneys by getting a "Guardian Ad Litem" involved in the case, their a court appointed representative for the child, the eyes and ears of the court out side of the courtroom, judges will listen to them and take their advice over 80% of the time then that of the bickering attorneys. what I done is hunted a few down and talked to them about what they look for and what they approve of and and what they would like to see, before I even asked the judge for one. but beware, during the time their involved in your childes case, your going to have to make your home and life into that of the proverbial glass house, they don't like it when you hide things, and if you had a rocky past do your best to show you have changed and moved on, focus on your children. don't offer detrimental information, but don't try to hide anything either, try and have a good repore with that person. they love visibility, which includes daycares, therapists, therapists that comes to your home, anything that allows that person access to information and keep an eye on you even when you don't know their there. and they love it when a parent has a positive attitude and outlook on life (fake it if you have too). if you have the lesser of custody or its in question, tell the judge you would like the GAL to have an equal opportunity to see you and your children in action.

Always keep records of everything that happens between you and your ex. esp where the children are concerned. here again, don't be trying to bash the other parent, go by what is in any custody order that is currently being observed, focus on issues concerning the children and that of co-parenting them. the more the other parent tries to take full custody of the children, and or has an unwillingness to comprise or communicate, only tells a judge that the other parent is going to make things more difficult for the children to have a relationship with the other parent, and so is the less logical choice. vote goes to most willing parent to co-parent and communicate.

Always try and stick to that 50/50 and don't try to put the children in the middle of things.

Keep expressing how much the children needs both parents in their lives, and that they can benefit most with being raised with different viewpoints from both parents. judges would like to hear that.

If an ex does not want to communicate with you, even goes out of the way to get restraining orders, express your concerns that you may not be able to co-parent with the other parent in this way, and would like for you and the other parent to bi-weekly attend a family / parenting /counseling (mediator), to work on your communications and co-parenting skills. if the other parent refuses it looks really bad on them, after all the judge would be more in favor of the more willing parent, regardless of any restraining orders (hehe, I know thats how I got around hers, it really pissed her off, but she let it drop soon after). the point is to get that communications going out side of the court room, to tare down those walls and start realizing your stuck with each other so may as well start get along, and let each other face the guilt of what their doing to not only each other but their children as well... its easy to hate or blame when you don't have to face the one whom you feel has caused you pain or that you just want to get away from.

In your custody agreement, make sure that one parent cant move your children from one school to another, or from one county or state or therapy to another, or make changes to any of those things without your prior consent. one thing people tend to try is suddenly moving the child further from the other parent so to gain control of the schooling and other needs of the children, and thus gain more custody by default. Just remember, this does go both ways.

if anyone would like to add more to this, please do.

Sorry you found yourself in this situation in the first place. That really is my most important thought. But, yes, it happens.

I don't feel comfortable speaking to the specific advice largely because (a) that is a road I have not travelled and (b) I'm female not male.

My situation is long over now. its been resolved.

Your being female is irrelevant because this all can apply to either sex. Just I referred to my own circumstances as a reference and I am a male so would more likely use my wording as such. but it can go either way.

For better or for worse, a lot of male/female stereotypes carry into divorce proceedings.

This in its self I would like to understand, please define.

The following assumptions (based on male/female sterotypes) are generally carried into divorce proceedings:

The mother is the caregiver and the father is the breadwinner.
That it is "best" for the child to be with his/her mother.
That the father has not been involved in the very things that you indicated you should have proof of having been involved with.
That the father will wish to spend less time caring for the children.
That the mother should be the one to provide care during sickness (for example, miss work each time a child is sick).
That by simply providing adequate child support (financial), the father is fulfilling his role completely.
That it is the mother's job to "parent," while it is permissible for the father to be a "Disney Dad" (only do fun things with the kids).

Those are the ones that come to the top of my head.

^^^That is a pretty good list. As well as who is more likely to obtain restraining orders, how each party "fights" in a divorce, and so on. Basically, the i's that each side needs to be most careful to dot may be affected by gender perceptions. And their actions in protecting their own interests may take on a different color, too.

I'd rather not get into it deeper.

Edited:

Thing is, some of the suggestions in the first post made me uncomfortable, but I think I remember when all this was happening and how much I felt for you in the situation and how much I wanted it to out come out OK for you. That is what I want to focus on responding to this thread, not how I feel about particular suggestions.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 25 Feb 2014, 1:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The woman whom dumped me, dumped me for a vary abusive man, he was so jealous I felt coming from him nothing but loathing because I was once with her. he ordered her not to communicate with me, so I had to force her into it. but to me she was the one signing the papers and making the choices. never mind the other man, I made mistakes but so did she, it should have been all between me and her but it wasn't, I had to fight against others prejudice and jealousy.. I was never abusive, while that was looked for as an attack because they thought I was weak and different.., you cant win by hating unless you give in to their hate, you look for how i failed the woman, instead of how she failed me. when thats not the point. the point is the truth which we share with our children, you judge me because another woman had done so, that is the fallacy of woman, when you don't know who I am.

I was hated from a vary young age because i was different, but that does not mean I am wrong, just socially unaccepted.
I WAS NEVER ABUSIVE, THATS NOT WHOM I AM. And my truths are within my child,.

No your interested in why she dumped me, are you to judge me for others desires? are you to be just like her? is this the stereo type?

We all make mistakes, but it takes two to tango., if i fail your expectations it does not mean I would make a bad father, it only mean you do not find me acceptable as mate for your own needs. who is woman to judge men, just because we cant have child without you.

That whole OP read as a guide on how to force your ex to keep interacting with you using your kid. Kids grow up and no one likes being used as a pawn.

No, the point was to force the ex partner to communicate with you so you can co-parent, you cant co-parent without communication. and no that was not what the hole thing was about, it was about taking that time to interact and be active in your childrens needs and lives and enabling the courts to see this, so you can have a better chance at gaining that custody so to keep your children. would you have prefered I just had taken full custody and be done with it? because I COULD HAVE, but I didnt feel that was right for my son. he needs the both of us in his life. without communicating she was forcing me to take full custody, she also had other children, the other father had the same problems with her so he took full custody. she was losing all her kids because she refused to communicate with her ex's, mostly because of a jealous partner who wanted her ex's gone out of her life. just one thing she didn't count on. I made friends of all her ex's and then we worked together against the problem so that we can keep our children, just the other father wanted full custody for control.

Honestly, I don't know what I'm saying. Some things in your first post made me uncomfortable, BUT I think I remember you from the way back, and feeling that you were stuck in a horrible situation, being worried and upset for you, and all I wanted to come through was that (a) I felt for you having to go through that and (b) I was happy you found your way and are an important part of your children's lives. I don't want to comment on the tactics themselves, just what I wanted for you in all this, which was a happy ending.

I did not mean to suggest you were abusive, just that the tactic you suggested would play well for a guy who was.

Maybe we should both edit or delete the posts where you pushed and I hesitantly tried (without success) to explain myself?

Actually, the councilor reports to the courts how things are going, the ex-couple would never be alone with each other, if any one tried to be controlling or abusive it would be used against them. her whole thing is she didn't want to communicate nor be talked into compromising from her desire for full custody, and after losing one child to alienation I didn't want to do anything like that to someone else, esp since its the children you shaft out of that parent. sure I could have taken full and then let her spend as much time with him as she liked, but I am not controlling that way, she should have every right to spend that time with her children not just when I say its OK. not only that but she had also just lost full custody to the other father for 3 of her children, I think she was hurting enough. her boyfriend told her if she went to those meetings that he would dump her, so she had to choose between his jealousy and keeping her children, so in the end she dumped him. if she didn't go to those meeting, and kept pushing for full custody, I would have turned and went for blood too, and she would have lost (and she knows it). I have had several chances to take full custody since then, for a long while she was even homeless. but I wont do it even though if the rolls were reversed she likely would have. but in the mean while, as fate would have it, I have my son pretty much full time while she gets to enjoy having a social life. she sees him as much as she wants when she wants, which at this time is about 1/2 - 1 day out of each week, even though she has 50/50 custody. and this is fine with me, I love being a daddy, its what I always wanted, he is also my best friend. Am I happy? I think its great having a son to raise and do things with, but I am also vary lonely wishing I had a mate too, its not easy raising a child pretty much on my own, and I do miss having loving arms around when I need them., and another adult to talk too and spend time with..

Yeah, "happy" isn't usually a good word to use to describe life for anyone. I have yet to meet anyone who got it all. It is like we use that word to gloss over all the complexities and say "I think there is a reasonable balance of moments, and there is nothing awful." Sorry that you are missing such a large part of what you had hoped you would have in your life, but glad that you have your son.

Actually DW, compared to what my life was like before my son came along, I am much happier. yes I didn't get what I wanted, but now I have that best friend to share things with and spend time with. where before I was either always alone, or in unhealthy relationships where I felt they always hated and didn't want me, which is sometimes worse then being alone. unlike others I never had that social support when in crisis or when my life crashed. its hard for me to be what woman wants when a part of me needs that same support women look for in a man. yet rejects me for not being confident and strong enough. much of the reason I am the way I am is because of how society treated me, just because I was different and had no one to help teach me the tools. all I ever known was rejection. my son is a god send to me, a reprieve from all the pain, new beginnings. in many ways women take even children for granted, when he is the light of my life, in many ways he saved my soul.- I needed this.