Extreme jealousy in 6y/o on the spectrum

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My 6 y/o daughter is extremely jealous and also doesn't want to share. She copies her best friend, running to be first everywhere and yelling "I win". When her friend announces to need to use the restroom in our house, our daughter starts running up to be the first in the bathroom (although she doesn't need to go). She is not tolerating when other kids want to hold my hand or sit next to me. She hates sharing her toys and ignores her playdate friends (although she demands playdates). I promise she is not being raised to be a "brat", but sometimes I feel that's what people think of her. I know that she can't help it. We tried everything, she is in therapy (pediatric psychology, expert in anxiety disorders)since 3 months. It didn't help yet. We as parents are so overwhelmed. Nothing is normal in our house. We deal with constant tantrums and breakdowns of our belobed daughter. We are tired and feel hopeless. Who has similar experiences? What can we try?

Perhaps a social skills group could help? When my daughter was younger she was in one with three to four other girls her age who were AS. The group was overseen by a speech therapist and she would review appropriate social behavior with them. How to share, take turns, engage in pretend play, listen to others ideas, etc. It was very helpful for our daughter, but I understand all children are different. If you can find such a group in your area, check it out and see if it might be a good fit for your daughter.

Best of luck!

I think it would help to find out what is making her jealous of people. If you haven't already, you should ask her why she always wants to be first and why she doesn't like sharing things. Make sure you tell her that sharing is important and that when another child holds your hand it doesn't mean you love them more than her.

This is only a possibility, but maybe she feels jealous or envious of other children because she gets shut out by her friends at school and they don't let her join in their games. Or maybe her best friend is paying more attention to another friend than to her. There are a number of reasons why a child may feel this way.

I am not certain this is an issue of jealousy, and my daughter was like this until she was in 2nd grade. I think it has to do with rigidity. What tipped my daughter to the other side was when she realized that being first doesn't always mean you win. The example that I was able to find for her was that kids who were first in line to go in after recess actually got LESS recess time than the people at the back of the line. Technically, that is true, because you are outside less. Once she understood that, we were able to get her to understand that first is not always best.

My daughter used to: push her brother out of the way so she could be to the top of the stairs first, rush to the bathroom when getting ready for bed so that she could brush her teeth first, plow other kids over so she could be first in line, etc. I know what you are talking about and I know what you mean by being "bratty." If it's any consolation, she is 10 now and this is not an issue at all anymore.

Thank you so much for your answers. Since our daughter has also an expressive language disorder, she can be very closed off when asking her "why" she behaves a certain way, or why she feels a certain way, especially when she knows it's unwanted behavior. It might also her extreme anxiety that keeps her almost mute when she gets asked about her feelings.
I have hope that she'll grow out of it with a lot of support. The next step is finding a social skills group.
Thank you

Do you have a magnetic drawing board at home?

When my children were younger, the way I talked to them was always through pictures. A magnetic drawing board comes in handy. For repetitive needs, I also used 4x6 blank index cards with mini-photo album pouches.

At bedtime, I did picture-aided talking with them. That is, I drew pictures of the situations on magnetic drawing board as I talked to them, and reviewed what they have done wrong in the day, or the fun they have had during the day. I always drew and talked at the same time. They grew up with my fun picture drawings, they've always had fun with my pictures (and animation video clips). So, sometimes when I grabbed the magnetic drawing board to talk to them about very serious messages, they would still pay full attention.

My view is always: unless my kids have seen a message in pictures, I don't considered the message delivered. That's just my personal view. It's all natural to me (talking and drawing at the same time.) But most neurotypical people have no idea how to do it, and probably don't even know what I am talking about. My wife certainly felt it all very unnatural at the begining (talking by drawing pictures). But once she got used to it, nowadays she actually often can draw better pictures than I do. I would say all important messages to our children have gone through pictures. I talk to them through their eyes, not through their ears.