"gifted" daughter with anxiety

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Hi all! I've posted here a few times regarding my older daughter who was eventually diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Your opinions and thoughts are so helpful, so I thought I'd ask about my other daughter. I am not sure she is on the spectrum, but definitely has traits I think.
She is 17, junior in high school. Identified by the school as gifted at 6 yrs. old. Always considered her a "sensitive" kid and intense about everything she does. She did ok in grade school socially, but when she hit middle school, friendships changed and she just hasn't had a lot of luck with friends. We all kept thinking things would get better, but they haven't. She does talk to some people at school and isn't afraid to, but she said she feels "closed off" or "zoned out".

Just lately she's told me she's felt this way since middle school of "not really being there" when she's at school, though she was and still is a straight A student. School work does not stress her out, but apparently the environment does. She complains about lighting a lot in different stores and a school. She is sensitive to smells and some textures of foods. No delays as a young child. Was reading on own at 3 1/2. No motor skills problems at all...actually always has been above average in sports and also picks up playing music easily.

Since school started this year (the last 6 months), she has had a huge amount of anxiety regarding school - so much she has been throwing up and has missed probably 20 days. She says she's always felt like this, but things just "built up and exploded" this year. She does not panic or get upset at school...she says she "holds it together", but then some evenings she gets upset throws up and can't sleep all night after being at school. She says it's worse as the week goes on as things "build up". She's also been checked out thoroughly by a GI doc, who says her symptoms are IBS like related to anxiety.

She has seen 2 counselors and 1 psychologist and the school counselor. She hated 1 of the counselors and the psychologist because she felt they didn't understand and were "judging" her, and she thought the other counselor was "nice" but not helping. She has seen a psychiatrist recently too and just started on Zoloft for the anxiety. I hated for her to have to start meds, but nothing else was helping and in addition to the anxiety, she is getting really down about feeling this way too.
Anyway, none of the professionals can pinpoint what's exactly going on...the psychiatrist said she doesn't meet full criteria for social anxiety, she has a few things that seem OCD like, but not nearly enough. The psychiatrist said she didn't really "see her on the spectrum", but she did say we could investigate it further down the road if we are still concerned.
We filled out some checklists and paperwork for the psychologist (prior to seeing psychiatrist) regarding autism spectrum sorts of things, but the psychologist is thinking this is more related to her being "gifted" than autism. And my daughter refuses to see her again because she can't stand her. So there's that.

I know no one here can diagnose over the internet obviously, but I'm just wondering if any of you all with girls or as women yourselves have dealt with similar issues and been on the spectrum or anything else? I know from reading here ,etc. that girls are very difficult to diagnose. In our case, my older daughter is actually much more obvious, though she "flew under the radar" for years too with a learning disability diagnosis. Any insight would be appreciated! Thanks in advance for reading!

For what it's worth I was labeled as "gifted" and I am sure now that I am on the spectrum. I have not pursued getting a formal real diagnosis b/c at this point in my life, in my circumstances there is no real point.

There is no reason to think gifted and autistic are mutually exclusive, but b/c she already has that label and there are some overlap issues, she may have trouble getting a diagnosis, even if she is on the spectrum. I think it is especially hard for girls, b/c a lot of how they decide seems to be to line up statistical likelihoods and so being a girl counts against her plus it manifests differently, I think and the social deficits can be less clinically evident as far as how they analyze things.

The real question is what supports at school would an actual diagnosis get her, and can you get what she needs without one? Has she told you what specifically about school is causing the stress? If it is social disconnectedness, I am not sure what your school would do about it, to help her, even with a diagnosis.

What I would look at is what could be done to help her, and see if you can just try to go after it. The school knows she has issues and is absent a lot --so they should understand there is an issue even if it does not currently give her a label.

I too was labeled 'gifted' as a child. I also taught myself to read very early. Having a high IQ, one high enough to qualify as being in the gifted range, is, in itself, not neurotypical. Many people with high IQs will have sensory issues, social anxiety and general anxiety. It tends to come with the territory, and maybe could make it difficult to weed out which symptoms are due to being gifted, and which are due to being on the spectrum. I did/ do have many sensory issues, as well as anxiety and social anxiety. I do not, though, believe I am on the spectrum. I have always been pretty good at reading between the social lines and reading social cues, despite having had social anxiety in high school. I do suspect I am somewhat BAP, but I do not think that my issues qualify for a spectrum diagnosis. My older son is also labeled gifted. He also has many sensory issues, motor planning issues, processing issues, etc. He has been evaluated, and is also not on the spectrum. My younger son has social issues that are beyond just social anxiety. He cannot read social cues, has a pragmatic speech delay, does not have the same sense of what friendship means, etc. He also is not able to regulate his emotions in the same way that my older son and I are able to. I don't know whether your daughter is on the spectrum or is just gifted. For what it's worth, the educational psychologist who evaluated my younger son when he was in preschool believed that my son was just really smart and that he was just immature in some areas because he was moving so fast intellectually and would eventually "grow out of it". I also took him to a child psychiatrist later (when it was clear my son was not "growing out" of the issues) who suspected he may be on the spectrum, but was also not 100% and said that I needed to take him to a neuro psychologist who specializes in diagnosing ASD to know for sure. It was my son's ADOS test results that really made it clear. I think, if you are unsure, why not do a thorough evaluation.

Another "gifted" gal here. I was diagnosed on the spectrum after a full on breakdown in my teens. I also take medication for chronic anxiety.

One thing I've noticed with therapists is that many seem unfamiliar with the depth of sensory issues and environmental stressors. My guess is that girls are less likely to "act out" when stressed, so are overlooked.

From your description, your daughter seems able to verbalize her issues well. Maybe this will help her with the right person.

Thanks so much, all of you, for your replies. It definitely helps to give me some clarity to her situation. It seems it's hard for people in my "real life" to understand our situation with her. Hearing your stories seem so similar in ways to hers and ours! That means a lot. She's a really awesome girl and I want to help her to feel better, so your views really help!

I think sometimes I forget that there is such a big overlap in between Asperger's and gifted. Her sister who is diagnosed with Asperger's is much different than her (as I guess everyone in the spectrum is!), but also "gifted" in her own way, so sometimes it's hard to sort out what we're dealing with!

We will probably only seek out a formal diagnosis if she really wants to know. Though, Fitzi, I would really like to know! And at this point, I'm not sure if she does though. She sees herself much differently than her sister, so she doesn't believe she could possibly be on the spectrum too. I have talked to her also about sometimes people having "traits", but not a full diagnosis. I think myself and my husband both have traits for sure...maybe not all for a full diagnosis, but the traits are there. I've shared that with her and how it's not really anything so terrible...but at 17 I'm not sure she's ready to hear that. As ASDMommyASDKid said, it doesn't probably matter as long as she is supported.
She is in a gifted classroom 1 hour a day at school and I talked to her teacher today. She seemed very supportive of her and of kids with giftedness/Asperger's in general, so maybe she will be a helpful, calming influence. This is a new class for her this semester, so I'm hoping it helps. The teacher mentioned that maybe "biofeedback" may be helpful for her panicky symptoms. Have any of you tried that?
And I think you're right MjrMajorMajor, if we can find a therapist she connects with, it may really help. Her gifted teacher suggested we try to "interview" a few more to see if she feels comfortable with them, so maybe that's what we'll do coming up.

[ I think that is definitely part of what's going on here...thank you for expressing it so well!
Thanks again everyone!

I was classified as "gifted" as a child, all the way back from preschool. Such that my parents put me into a private, accelerated-curriculum school in grades 1 thru 4, that concentrated on what's now referred to as STEM. I was doing fractions and simple algebra in third grade, and reading historic poetry in second grade. (Which made me a pariah among the public school peers I met in summer camps.) Ditto for higher grades, although by then, I learned to fabricate interest in NT topics, albeit with limited success. By high school, I sincerely got into mainstream interests and TV shows.

I'll be blunt and say I HATE the term "gifted". It's not a gift by any means. Because "gifted" children all grow up. And their non-gifted peers catch up with them, leaving them lost amongst the masses, who are now as intelligent as them. So what the "gift" really is, is just intelligence ahead of schedule. If you must call it something, call it "cursed". Or more poetically, "albatrossed" (in reference to "Rime of the Ancient Mariner"), with the albatross punishment issued for being smart ahead of schedule. Yeah, "albatrossed", I love it! Accurate, fancy-sounding, and with a touch of dark humor.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 20 Feb 2016, 12:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

I too was "gifted" but with very uneven skills. I had (and still have) executive function difficulties so my teachers and my mother could not understand how i could be so smart in some things (anything to do with reading, English, history, literature) and so inept at basic things like study habits and organization, and getting along with peers. I received many school reports with the classic "not working up to her potential." Apparently my I.Q. was pretty high when they tested me for the gifted program and in the 1980's and 1990's there was the school of thought that if you had a high I.Q., but couldn't hold the studying part together, that you were either lazy or had some other serious character flaw. I flew under the radar as well since i could function decently, if not make full use of my "gifts."

My middle school aged daughter has a lot of difficulty with sensory issues and environment in school. Academically, she is doing beautifully. But other aspects of school stress her out. She has Tourette's Syndrome and between the accommodations for that and the help through the gifted program, i don't feel the need to pursue an aspergers diagnosis for her although i am not positive she doesn't fall on the spectrum. At this point, though, an official diagnosis would not benefit her. Her school is very helpful in areas where she has a need.

The other thing is...do you want the diagnosis to follow her on her medical record? I am leery of this--I have chosen not to pursue a diagnosis for myself because i don't want to be officially or unofficially discriminated against for an autism diagnosis. It happens. My youngest child is more severely affected so he does have an official diagnosis. For those who have learned to function and don't need an official diagnosis for work or other purposes, i would make sure it will not affect you in work, hobbies, or any other capacity that you may be discriminated against for having an autism diagnosis following you permanently. That is why i am not pursuing an official diagnosis for my daughter either.

Just my 2 cents.

Aspie1 - Thank you for your input. I will have to say I am not crazy about the "gifted" label either. Sometimes I wonder if my daughter would be better off if she were just to have been in "regular" classes all this time. I just can't say.

probly.an.aspie-Thanks for your input also. I definitely relate to what you're saying. And similar to your younger child, my oldest child does have a diagnosis and needs it, I think, as her needs have been much more through the years. I really am not interested in pursuing a diagnosis for my younger one for the reasons you stated and for the fact that I really think she probably wouldn't qualify overall. Hopefully if her anxiety lessens, she will be able to function better. She has been really wrapped up in the "why" she is the way she is, so that's the only reason I even started thinking about it.

History: High IQ and fast tracked on the gifted path, athletic, and I had a number of friends as a child though never a lot. I did not have real social issues until I was out of school. My intellect enabled me to decode the younger social norms but not the adult ones.
Are there not some other girls in her gifted class with whom she might form a bond? That is who I was able to befriend. Or, taking a completely stressless extracurricular class like art might be a way for her to meet a friend outside of her school.
Also, it might help your younger daughter if she can discover what it is that enables her to release the tension. For me it is solitude and silence, delving into online gaming, or reading.

Just a thought, but looking at my own teen years...questioning "why" may be because she feels isolated. I saw it repeated with our daughter who is also gifted, highly sensitive, etc.. When she realized she wasn't like the other kids, she wanted to know "why". Why didn't they accept her, why was she different, and so on.

Out of curiosity, does your daugher have anxiety dealing/socializing with her age peers away from school, and does she have it when dealing with or socializing with adults?

Thanks so much for your input! There is only one other girl in her gifted class the hour she has it and she has just met her, so she is not too sure about her. She is friendly with a couple of the boys in there that she has known for awhile and that has helped tremendously for that hour...I have encouraged the same thing of looking for the other girls similar to her and she just says she's "different" than all of them.

She's had a few "school only" friendships the last couple of years with other "smart" girls, but she felt like they left her out eventually and teased her at times and at the same time were competitive with her about grades, etc. I have wondered if that has been a type of "bullying" that has caused her to lose her self confidence. She seems like she's able to start some friendships, but then ends up feeling "left out". I know there are a lot of mean kids out there too, so I'm not so sure what's going on sometimes!
She had been really good friends with a couple of girls in her gifted classes through grade school and about 7th grade and then the relationships just changed and those girls ended up at different high schools too.



I think the above is exactly how she feels.

She does take music lessons outside of school and that is a good distraction for her. I am encouraging her to play with a group eventually, but she is resistant, so I'm just trying to let her enjoy playing right now. She does love art and does it at home, so good idea to do an art class outside of school and get her meeting some different people. That might work. She does ok with people outside of school.
She is very polite with both kids her age and adults, but does seem pretty reserved. If she gets working on something with them or they joke around (nicely) with her, she tends to loosen up a little and get her mind off the stress of the social interactions. She will do some volunteer stuff with me at our church, but has tried the youth group and dislikes that.
So thanks again for your valuable input and helping me "brainstorm" about what's going on. I really appreciate it!

This sounds so much like my own daughter, who is now 26. She was described as "quirky" by a psychiatrist in HS, but wasn't diagnosed as aspergers/autism spectrum until she was in college. College has been very difficult for her. Her anxiety has overwhelmed her abiity to perform work and she has had to withdraw a couple of times. It doesn't help that is enrolled in one of the most competitive colleges in the country. She is one credit away from her degree, but it's still not easy. I can't offer any palliative except to say I understand.

I have been looking for resources for parents of young adults who suffer from mental illness and aspergers. It's difficult to find support for me. ( I am also caring for a 93 yo mother in law, who as far as I can tell, is an exact copy of my daughter, anxiety and all. ) There's a lot of stress, but all I want to do is soothe everyone.