How do you deal with...

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When your child has a meltdown in public...and strangers are giving you filthy looks and muttering rude comments about your child...

How do you deal with this?

I find it extremely difficult at times, especially when I'm having a really hard day as it is. I take it very personally, and feel as though they are looking at me as having poor parenting skills.

I know I shouldnt worry about what other people think, but its getting rather annoying!

Any advice?

I would think the advice of someone I don't remember: Never explain, never complain. I would do what I had to do without looking at anybody.

I don't mutter. I say it out loud.
If I'm the cashier, I give the kid a pouty, sympathetic look and say, "Is it nap time?"
The mom always looks at me and nods, as though we understand each other and I'm offering sympathy. I'm not. I'm sympathizing with the kid, and hoping to give the mom a subtle clue.
Five hours of Xmas shopping is unnecessary.
Half of the stuff you're buying is worthless crap that no one needs anyway.
Go home and pay a bill instead.
And listen to the kid. He's trying to tell you something.

The shrinks and teachers and other "professionals" are wrong.
Listen to the kid. It's the one thing that won't hurt him.
"Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this."
"So, don't do that."

We try to minimize the situations where meltdowns may occur. For example, we used to occasionally run to the grocery store on the way home from school, which was a very bad idea. Now we never do that, it is simply too much for them after a long day at school.

But at times when a public meltdown can't be helped, I just completely ignore the world around us and concentrate on helping my son.

"Never explain, never complain. I would do what I had to do without looking at anybody".

Sums it up nicely. I find I get more thick skinned about it all the time. Just remember that your child is doing the best they can in that difficult moment, and so are you.

You don't have kids do you? I love when people think reason and logic work with children...it's so cute.

I have two. Son, 17, obviously a mild Aspie. Daughter 14, NT.
They've always responded pretty well to reason. I can't remember the last time I felt a need to punish or force anything.
These days, for most things, I consider them adults. I just hand out friendly advice.
Except that my daughter isn't thrilled with her new school and wants to take more mental health days than I think she should. On that one, I'm the mean mommy.
Other than that, I can't think of anything I've had to force on them in years.

On the other hand, I didn't have a severely Autistic kid.
I don't remember any temper tantrums in public.

Thanks for your advice

Tahitti; I dont actually take my kids out for hours on end...particularly to the shopping center. I ONLY take my kids if I HAVE to...and its usually only to get Milk or petrol.... and its always before they get to the tired stage... Not all mums take their kids shopping for hours... maybe the mums you see with the kids have only actually been at the shop for a short period??? Not neccessarily for hours? I know that my son has thrown tantrums within minutes of walking into the shops... Doesnt mean that I've had him out all day, it means that he is frustrated or scared about something that he cannot communicate.

I was really reffering to parents of children with ASD and alike who may throw severe meltowns... in public in general, wether it be a quick duck to the shop, a walk to the park, or at playgroup. And how the Parents deal with strangers rude comments.

For the record.... My NT daughter has NEVER thrown a tantrum so again, its not just about parenting... alot of it comes down to personality of the child.

A parent knows their child BETTER than any STRANGER ever will.... Why do strangers feel they need to comment??

Remember this saying??? "If you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all!"

Well, obviously, 17 and 14 year olds generally don't throw temper tantrums in the middle of a store. Reason will work fine (mostly) with them. It doesn't work with little kids. What do you do when the child is screaming for something they can't have? You're telling me your kids have been 17 and 14 their whole lives? That must have hurt...

I like that post a lot.

I do remember one screaming match.

I don't know how the stupid hand-washing power struggle got started. Even at the age of three, this kid was more germ-conscious than I was. As far as I can tell, he was born that way. I just woke up one day and said, "Why am I doing this?" So I threw the hand-washing rule away.
The next day at lunch, I asked, "Would you like to wash your hands?"
"No!" said he, stamping his feet.
"Ok," said I. "You can do whatever you like. Go ahead, eat your school germs." Mall germs, playground germs, whatever. (I don't remember my exact words, but you get the idea.)
He stomped all the way to the bathroom, yelling about what a mean mommy I was, and washed his hands. This procedure continued for about three days, until he figured out what I was saying. Yes, I felt like an idiot, so I let him rant.
Thereafter, I just gave him a reminder, for which he was grateful. He would jump up and run to the bathroom because he really wanted to wash his hands.

My daughter had diarrhea a few times when she was in diapers. She fought when I cleaned it off because the wiping made it sting more. That was dumb. I just realized now that I could easily have stood her in the tub and gently rinsed it instead of wiping it.

The more I try to think of disagreements we had, the more I remember my mistakes. I'm sure it's just a bad memory, but at this moment, I can't remember one that wasn't my fault.

Why would they do that?

I remember watching a friend lie to her kid about not having any cookies in the house.
Then the kid screamed, so she gave him a cookie. Then he screamed that he wanted to watch his favorite TV show and didn't understand when the mom said that it wasn't the right time.

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack this thread. I'm sure the tricks you need with an Autistic kid are more complicated.

Tahiti;

No two children are alike.... They are all different and have different needs and parenting styles.

What works for one child may not work for another.

Dont comment about other peoples parenting styles until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

Clearly you miss understood the original question...

I was after ADVICE from PARENTS WHO RECIEVE NEGATIVE COMMENTS FROM STRANGERS about their child having a meltown in public places.....

I’m clearly trying to DEFEND my child’s actions to STRANGERS who have NO IDEA about his disorders or reasons behind his behaviour.

Does that make sense to you?

Do you REALLY not realize that that is insulting and sounds sarcastic?



I agree with a lot of that but, again....

HECK, my mother once got me new shoes, and they weren't broken in yet. This caused me to get a number of blisters on my feet, but she STILL wanted me to walk all day doing nonsense things SHE wanted. Others acted like I was being a crybaby(I didn't cry btw), lazy, etc.... GIVE ME A BREAK! Haven't any of THEM had the flu, or blisters, etc...? Sometimes it is the "ADULTS" that are spoiled. They are like the kids on Star Trek, that were against the "grups". SURE they were bad, etc... and they had a culture that had some bad problems, but their problems were all created by their PARENT's Generation. In trying to become immortal, they merely slowed down "maturity", and made adolescence deadly.

I'm going to ignore the rest of the banter and tell you about my personal experience. I just deal with the moment. I do what my son needs most. Sometimes that's deep pressure in the moment. That means you may find me on the floor, in the middle of the mall, with my legs and my arms wrapped around him. I have been leered at, spit on (I'm serious, there are nasty people out there) and even people who have come up in the middle of a meltdown to say "If you made your kid realize the world doesn't revolve around him you wouldn't have these problems!" Whatever lady I used to have cards that explained what Autism was and I would pass them a card, without saying a thing, and continue on dealing with whatever my son needs.

Basically, I follow this:

* If his energy is rising and I can remove him from the situation, then I do.

* If he's melting then I just deal with it in the moment and everyone else disappears. I don't care what they think, say, do. It's all about making my son feel safe in the moment.

If you're interested, my blog is in my sig line and if you read my entries from the early years, you'll probably see things that you can relate to. In my non existant spare time I volunteer as a mentor to families who have a young child on the spectrum. If you ever need to unload, PM me. I would be happy to chat.

Hugs.

Thank you CelticGoddess

Thanks for sharing some of your experiences...I'm appauled at what you have had to endure from strangers...you really do have it all together though. Thanks for your wonderful advice and support, I really appreciate it... I'm off to check out your blog now

2PreciousSouls,
am not a parent/do not have any children unless cats at family home can count?,but regulary have outdoor meltdowns and if there's anyone around,support staff will tell them am have autism and explain why was set off,people are a lot more helpful to an adult and their family/staff rather than a child and their family.
Maybe for self,could print off some small cards on autism/as/pddnos etc also explaining on them why own child is having a meltdown?

can educate them on what is going on-or ignore them and let them be ignorant and pre judging,
if they are very nasty about it,do they even deserve the effort of telling them what is going on?
and does it matter what they think,if they are not able to give the same choice to self?