Loneliness

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I'm sure just about everyone on the spectrum deals with this in some fashion or to some extent but it has been killing me ever since a terrible falling out in March. I've pretty much lost the only person who even attempted to understand me or have any sympathy whatsoever. Now she's said I'm creepy and a stalker and that she never wants to speak to me again all because I'm too clingy. This is someone I spoke to about everything with on and off for more than ten years. If I make this kind of impression now what f*****g hope do I have with a stranger I've just met.

So that was a fun month or so of catching up after so long and listening to her complain how she was living with her ex and how he used her for sex and she brushed off all personal responsibility to just stop letting it happen and I'm the one she goes to to say all this and yet I'm the one kicked out of her life all because she decides to text and call me almost 24/7, even from her cushy $14/hour full time job, like she has nothing better to do.

Since then it's felt like I've had no one. Not one single person to even listen to me, not even to try to help but just to listen. As far as anyone is concerned, I only matter as far as paying rent or taking hours at work. Otherwise I may as well not exist. They call me selfish but if no one cares about me then why shouldn't I? Or well maybe I shouldn't, maybe I just don't matter.

It's not like I haven't tried to reach out to anyone. But when I do I'm told to pay for a psych because obviously I'm not good enough to have any actual friends I guess. Even though I've done plenty for them and support them even if I disagree with their choices or pay their bills when they are desperate. So lately all I do is work and stay in my room when I'm not working. None of them matter to me if I don't matter to them. Still doesn't help feeling empty and unfulfilled.

So I work 25 hours a week at around $9.33. Not a lot and I will probably never get to be anything more than basically a janitor at a low end niche retail store but whatever, who cares. Gives me free access to all sorts of cool stuff like bleach or ammonia or etc. that I can't kill myself with anyway because I tried and am too much of a dumbass to do it right.

So new cashier a few month after this friend leaves me to my loneliness. Usually not very exciting anymore after two years working here now. Most ignore me anyway. But this girl makes repeated attempts to try to get to know me, just a very social person I guess. Even asks to take a bite out of my apple and gives me her phone number because she's not on Facebook much. I've been too aloof to really notice any of it, I just take every interaction with a grain of salt now because I know it won't last or its probably some joke at my expense, but this has left me perplexed.

We haven't texted a whole lot, not as much as I'd like but I don't want to be overbearing as usual and figure she must be busy. However I also worry maybe she's waiting for me to text sometimes or if she only likes to talk in person which is a pain because I get out at the same time she goes into work. I texted once asking to hang out sometime, no response. Later on she texted me saying it's random but she was craving vanilla soft serve with gummi bears, well I got her the bears at work the next day and she thanked me. I doodled a picture of us robbing a bank after she told me she lost her credit card, later she said she saved it on her phone. But later I ask in text if she ever draws at all, no answer.

I just don't get it lately. Before we both went on vacation early last month things were ok I'd think as far as coworkers getting to know each other. Told her about my autism, she either doesn't know about it or doesn't care. She hasn't told me but it feels like she has some sort of eating thing she has to take meds for? She's like a twig and yet she's always got so much food and 5 hour energy when she comes in, who knows. Anyway, we talked a bit and agreed to exchange souvenirs after our trips. She seemed to like black and told me she likes native American stuff so I got her a black dreamcatcher, she didn't take it home with her for a few days so I don't know what that might mean but eventually she told me she hung it in her room and she loved it. She got me a snow globe from st Thomas with a palm tree in it, kind of a joke I guess since I hate summer but it's neat because I never get gifts.

Thing is she told me she met some guy during her vacation, told me he was so cool and muscly and she talked to him for hours every night, so I kind of overreacted and didn't talk to her for weeks until I apologized and she said she didn't even noticed. Haven't talked about that since then but it was awkward and I wonder if she thinks differently of me now. Hard to say because she's still been nice and bubbly at work. She's probably been the only person in years outside of family to hug me, not that that means anything but I don't think she would if she hated me. Says she's single on her Facebook but that wouldn't be the first time that was a lie so idk. Others say she flirts with all the guys at work, maybe she just likes the attention.

The other day she told me not to be so harsh about myself, I thanked her which probably ruined things. Then the next day I text saying that the reason I'm depressed and insecure is because of the incident in March, which is even worse I guess because she hasn't texted back at all. I know people can get busy but after a few days I don't think that's it anymore. I left before she came in today because I was too embarrassed about it. Was only trying to explain why I'm not as into hugs or scared of being open with anyone but maybe girls just don't like guys who try to be open and honest about anything like this. It always ends the same, no matter what, they only ever like you when you act like you don't care. It's so backwards.

But then maybe it is other things. Maybe it's that I can only afford to stay in a small apartment with my parents and sister. Or that I can't drive. Or that I'm not popular. Or that I'm fat and have too little motivation to care to lose weight again. Why is there all this stuff about acceptance when none of it is never true?

So that's my random ramblings for anyone who does care at all. I am starting not to again. Just hate when things like this give me hope maybe life is changing but nope, can't have that, have to have very mixed signals and have people suddenly arbitrarily decide you are not decent but actually Hitler incarnate. I'd have posted this in L&D but honestly I don't care about a relationship so much as just wanting someone to talk to again. Sure my goal for so long has been to find love but I'm so alone now I'm desperate for any attention from someone genuine.

I wonder lately if my mind has just made her up as some coping mechanism and maybe I really am super nuts off the wall crazy and should be locked up for good. Other people talk about her but that could be my imagination too. She's just so similar to my ex friend it's almost uncanny, from appearance to mannerism to attitude, all except for venting to me and listening to me about anything too personal. Except periods I guess, apparently it's ok for me to eavesdrop on that at work, maybe I should have taken that as a sign I'm already in the friendzone lol

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.

Have you ever thought about going to college, so you don't have to work that $9.33/hr. job. You seem pretty articulate. At the very least, you can start by going to community college.

I would just forget this "March" person, if I were you. And move on from there.

Also: you live in New Hampshire, which is a very scenic state with lots of elevation differences. Perhaps you can walk so you can begin to lose weight?

Don't worry...all I'm doing is giving advice. I don't think I'm infallible or anything.

You're still a young person. Good things can happen for you. People here have gone through similar things to what you're going through. But they have been able to prevail eventually.

I was reading along in your post, and then got to this part, where you said, "I doodled a picture of us robbing a bank after she told me she lost her credit card, later she said she saved it on her phone."

As an older female who has observed this kind of thing before, I would say this is what scared her off ... the picture of you two robbing a bank.

If any guy ever doodled a picture like that about either himself or me, that would indicate to me that we were not compatible as friends, nor as a romantic couple. I would interpret that kind of doodle as a red flag indicating potential danger.

I would agree with kraftiekortie when he says you're young and that things can get better. For that to happen, it will indeed take some effort on your part. Do the best you can at improving your diet and exercise, improving your skills so you can get a better job, showing others that you really care about them (if you're one of these guys pursuing a girl and not wanting to be "in the friendzone" ... well, a girl is a human being who wants and deserves to be treated with respect, ... and she'll likely sense it if you see her as a mere "romantic object" rather than a person you really care about, worthy of being treated with the dignity due her as a human being, the honor of being a friend ... and perhaps more, if you both agree.

Everybody on the planet has areas in their lives that he or she needs to improve, myself included. So I would say, be the best version of yourself, and go after your dreams, knowing that anything worth having takes hard work.

I don't know...somehow I don't think this picture was a red flag but maybe. I meant it as a joke and she said she liked it and thought it was funny. But that's just me being delusional as always.



Anyway I'll write more tomorrow when I'm not dead tired.

Maybe she has a good sense of humor--who knows?

But there's no use mourning this. You have to try to move on from this.

Welcome to life. Rule 1. No good deed goes unpunished.Were you being sarcastic? $14 hour isn't much at all.Definitely flirting with you.Definitely liked you. All you had to do was make your move and sealed the deal. Typically in these situations you have only a small window of opportunity.She sounds really hot.It sounds like she has the fast metabolism gene. I'd sell my own mother's right arm for a copy of that gene.You didn't make your move quick enough, which she took as a intentional sign of disinterest on your part.Refer to rule 1. No good deed goes unpunished.True for you some girls like being doodled. E.g. that scene in Titanic when Jack doodled Rose.

I don't know, it feels like I probably forgot some important details, stuff that would imply otherwise. Such as her saying she wouldn't ask for a bite of my food normally, I figured it had to do with whatever whether it's just metabolism or what. And she really never does seem to post anything on her Facebook page.

She did text me pretty briefly last night. I'd done a more serious sketch of her and sent it, telling her I felt I owed her after just drawing stick figures. She told me she thought it was cool. So I guess she's not ignoring me, or not completely anyway. I just hope it's not that I'm bothering her too much and that maybe she's doing this to get me to stop...I'd rather she just be honest with me if I were annoying.

So, we were both invited to a birthday party of another coworker tomorrow night, but it looks like it might not be happening after all unfortunately. I'm thinking about maybe asking her to see a movie sometime, since we've talked about what kind we like. I'm a scaredy cat but she likes horror movies so maybe getting closer to Halloween it could be a good idea. That and she says she likes anime, I could invite her to this anime convention next month though that's a bigger ordeal.

$14 seems like a lot at least here anyway. Minimum wage being $7.25 it sure seems like it. My father having 20+ years experience and now a supervisor at Saint Gobain still only makes around $25 so yeah. Either way, I'm a strict believer in not using phones for entertainment on the company's time. Doesn't matter what position.

Can't say I like the idea of college. Never mind the huge amount of debt, I don't even know what would be practical to get a degree in for jobs around here. My sister got her masters in psychology and still has had a hell of a time finding anything, having to take supplementary EMT courses in the end. I'm hoping to just find something that pays more and gives more benefits soon.

Had been down to 180 pounds before. Not great but way better than I was and I hate that I've let depression get me back up to 250. I need to find more motivation and stop being so lazy.

Sounds like she likes you.

Maybe you can go for EMT?

Well you were wrong Retro. Lol I'm so done I don't think I'll be waking up tomorrow