Rants

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You have been mentioning your mother some times, so I just guessed

Can you talk to your father about things?

I don't know if it's normal or not. I don't know what she does or how she behaves. Saying "f**k you" to you, isn't ok though.

Everyone eat some nuts. Not if you're allergic to nuts, but otherwise try it. Nuts keep the freakouts away. How could I forget that?

^ Eat some nuts.

I like walnuts myself.

They're shaped like cute little brains.

Mmmmmm I loooooove nuts

Another day, another day of trying to function while wanting to shut down completely. I got my tasks for the morning finished. Now, I have nothing to do but clean. I wonder how much of my stuff will be broken, if I ever get a chance to unpack it... I don't know what to do with that feeling of dread except dismiss it.

I can't believe I just vegged out for 3.5 hours... and I still don't want to move.

Edit: And then a miracle happened.

I just want to rant a little...... FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

It's close to 6 am. I'm restless for a change!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

This might have to change in a couple of days, unless I want to spend the night awake in bed, waring headphones when I use my laptop.

I'm listening to this right now:

"do you expect me to let you in when you knock that hard?"

i expect you to let me in wherever i goddamn like, you little s**t, because it's not your room and i have things there that i need to use, there's no point in making what should merely be a simple trip in/out into a protracted pain in the ass.

keep rotting in there, darkening the room with blankets obscuring the windows and sleeping the whole afternoon, you'll only make your "depression" worse.

I'm just a loser.. and I can't do much right.

Anytime I get close to someone- and it feels like I'm okay (or better) friends with them.. I mess it up somehow! In an attempt to fix it- I either mess it up more or just simply lose the friend...

Perhaps I'm just supposed to be friendless due to not being able to handle things well!

You may not want to hear it, but taking on a challenging productive task can do a lot to quiet obsessive thoughts. I feel way too excited about what will happen next most of the time to off myself, but ending my life has never been too far from my mind. I used to talk about it a lot, too, but I came up with a lot of reasons not to, including the effect it had on me when I heard people I like talk about suicide. It's harsh, a blow not to be dealt casually.

I hate to commit to living forever, but I'm waiting to see what happens next before I telegraph my next move.

Oh, and cleaning is the worst. I see all this dirt and crap, and not only do I have to clean it up, I wonder how I didn't notice how disgusting some parts of this place had gotten. I just let stuff sit and gather dust, oil, and... coffee grounds?

I have less than a day before my scheduled departure. I have my s**t sort of together.

I wonder if, the things that I spend my time on (special interests) are worth it. Or am I just wasting my time?

I always feel kind of empty after doing them,
like, "Okay, great. I did this. That was cool. Now what? "

I wonder if I should find a more productive hobby.


A lot of them are various fandoms, but there's nobody in those fandoms anymore, and ALL of the sites I used to go on are all shutting down.

...Of EVERY thing that I am a fan of. Not just one.

Not to mention wikis, and Youtube channels. And forums. All of them.

Just last week, my favorite fanfic author just closed down their account. Which, uh, also happened to be my favorite story ever.

It just feels like I'm alone in everything I'm interested in, and... that's all I do. I wonder if I'm wasting my time.

And I can't talk to anyone about anything, because I don't have anything in common with them,

and most mainstream... things I haven't heard of/watched/read/listened to saw on the news.

Or most... things in general, I'm just not aware of, or haven't experienced.
At all.

(Because I don't really.. do anything else, aside from said sh***y special interests which have no fandom.
Which... are mostly fandom-related.
And of things which are just lighthearted distractions.
)

And I feel... excluded everywhere.

To an abnormal degree.

And I don't really know what I want to do in the future, because I haven't really developed skills of any kind,
and I can't think of anything I really like to do.

There... is somewhat of a reason for that, but it's long and complicated.

....Or, it might just be my fault.
("It" meaning all of things said above.)


...It probably is my fault.

It's not your fault. It's only a large coincidence. I recommend getting out there. You could learn a new language (Spanish, I can give you ten reasons why this is the best language). Trying bicycling, cooking, there are so many different things.