Rants

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Having to accept that I'm emotionally immature is hard, but overtime I'll feel better about myself.

I really, really, really need to isolate right now. Enough that I can't handle the isolation anymore. And I'm going crazy because I can't right now at all.

I'm so tired.
I'm tired of feeling like every day is a battle and I once thought I knew why I was fighting.
But now I feel like its for no good reason.

I don't feel like a person anymore.
I feel like I'm floating and am barely attached to reality, only by a small string.
I'm terrified and I don't have the strength anymore to pull myself back.

I don't want to fall down again
It's not fair on people around me
I've been told nothing can be done to help me. I don't deserve care because there are others who need it so much more than I do.
My flat is a pig sty
I have no clean clothes
I cannot look after myself because I'm so focused on getting through the day that I become fixated and need to shut my brain down or I wont be able to function at all.
I've been in bed all day, feeling like there are several people in my head, none of them really taking over my body.
So terrified and only able to get through with behaviours that are not healthy.
Now I feel like I want to stay here all week, but have so much to do and all I'm thinking is - I can't do this.
I really dont see the point in anything and I just want to shut myself in my room and rest my brain and pretend I'm in another world where noone else exists.
Just me, where I can be myself and just feel bad for a while with no external pressures.
I'm not here right now and I don't want to come back unless I know I can get through the week without having a full relapse because I can't keep picking myself up. No one else should do it for me either.
I don't know what to do anymore and I'm so tired.

I wish everyone would stop acting as if eye contact is "norm" when it's not.
European ethnic density in this region is in decline. That is a statistical fact. This is not the colonial effing era!
Immigration from areas where eye contact is directly opposite to "norm" means culturally, this is more and more irrelevant.
And yet people continue to perpetuate these stupid myths. Not making eye contact is "shady" and so on. Acting as if EVERYTHING in life directly revolves around if you do or do not make eye contact, as if it's the ONLY thing that matters in ANY situation! Stop it, stupids!! !

I feel that too.

People just ****** **** me off! Jesus Christ I hate humanity and this stupid society filled with these bigots >:c I'm going to blow my top if I don't shut myself off into a dark room.

People need to quit making these public displays of affection all over the place!!

The last 24 hours have been exceptionally rough. Not that anything has changed, really. It's been incredibly difficult for quite some time now, but things are sort of building to a head at the moment. Last night I was right at the edge of exploding. Screaming. Tearing the room apart. Closer than I've been in a long, long time.
I am exhausted. And really feeling trapped.

What's up? Flatmates getting you down? Feeling trapped and over-exposed is the worst. I have experience with that too.
Right now I feel absolutely watched, persecuted and interfered with everywhere I go and everything I do.
I stop to look for a product on a shelf at a grocery store and someone tells me to move or comes close enough into my personal space to touch me. Whatever I do, I get stared at (and no it's not just in my head, I can SEE people looking at me) even though I am careful to look normal, stay clean, don't do anything weird in public. There is no reason to stare at me (or if there is I don't know what it is). I just took a dog for a walk and it knocked into someone's rubbish bin - and I fully expected the owners of the bin to come charging out and demand to know what I was doing, because this is how people treat me. I do ANYTHING and someone is immediately demanding to know what I'm doing, why, tell me to stop doing it, spy on and supervise me, etc. Whenever I do anything I get unwelcome comments and judgements and interferences.
Do I have to move to an uninhabited south pacific island or something to make people leave me alone???
I don't do this to them. Why is it ok to do it to me?
Yeah, I'm really not doing well after that last meltdown/shutdown/autistic fuckup.

enzo ferrari is just a never-ending collection of stupid quotes.

Long, long stories. And so many layers of drama and nightmares.
In a nutshell, I've been homeless for the last two years, and I feel like I'm never going to get out of it. I've been staying at a shelter for the last two months, but it's difficult. It's like constant drama. 24 hours a day. Just non stop bs. Which has really been wearing on me. Among everything else, I can't maintain a circadian rhythm. Not just unable to keep my normal routine of sleep, but any routine at all. It's just ridiculous. I could just go on and on.
It's really taking a toll on me.
I am nearing the end of it, maybe. But there's an unbelievable amount of waiting and hoping. If/when I get disability, the place that runs the shelter will help me get a place of my own and get me reduced rent. And all of that should happen, just a matter of time.
But, my god does it sucks right now!
It is beyond disheartening and embarrassing. And overwhelming all the time. (There are two TV's on right now! And I can't concentrate enough to string together a sensible paragraph. I feel like an idiot, being unable to read or write anywhere near my normal capacity.)
Witnessing my ability to function drop while being here is kind of intense.
I'm really on the edge of just bailing out and hoping for the best.
It's like every single positive aspect of my life is gone, an unobtainable. And like I'll never be able to do any of what I do again.
All I really want to do right now is isolate. A LOT. And I haven't been able to isolate for the last two years.

Edited.

Last edited by elbowgrease on 15 Dec 2017, 6:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Not that you're likely to be getting a response anytime soon, because self destructive venting is a stage three production curse, from anyone not having sufficient credit to do so. However, if it's isolating yourself from the cause by being here, then be here. We won't judge.

I'm really not sure what you mean.

Ah.. I see. Sorry for your problems. Maybe rent a kangaroo or steal a lion from the state zoo, do something to set free the landscape emotions that are clouding your head right now. I know I would. Shelters aren't full of spies though, they are just a refuge crisis centre for people in need. I doubt they would sanction you with a tall order of cleaning the shelter as punishment.(Unless they want to). They would have done it by now anyway. I did this, and it dealt with my solitary confinement with every probable solution, to methods of which there was no end.

I think you've just mixed something I wrote with something someone else wrote in response to that, then added a bunch of stuff that doesn't make any sense at all into it.
All of which is coming off as really negative.