I've decided to drop my cat off and then drive into a tree

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I've decided to drop my cat off and then drive into a tree. There's no reason to continue. All the doctors watch out for themselves and no one would even notice if I was dead or if I quit my job. I have to decide between the two by Tuesday. Either continue chemotherapy and destroy my hands (peripheral neuropathy) and subsequently my livelihood (musician) or discontinue chemotherapy and allow cancer to spread.

I've tried to decide, but I don't think anyone will miss my flute playing. It's a dime a dozen and I tried really hrd to create a unique identity as a flutist, but seriously no one gives a hoot about it. It's unique but ugly and dumb. I also don't think anyone would really care if I died except my cat, but that's because he wants his food.

So how do you decide between two meaningless things? Why not get it over with so I don't have to keep taxing people with my stupid bald head and disgusting wrinkles. I'm in menopause yippee 20 years early. No point to anything.

Sorry I haven't posted since my cancer diagnosis but anyway my posts probably were meaningless anyway.

I have a cat. Several years ago, she became very strange. She could no longer walk in a straight line. She walked like a drunk cat. If she tried to jump she would miss and fall on her face. She had the strangest look. It was in her eyes. I though maybe she contracted rabies. She could barely eat. I was afraid to touch her. So I wore thick gloves when I picked her up and placed her next to her food. I took the cat to the vet. He said she had a virus. He said even if he gave her medicine (expensive), the probability that she would recover was slim to none. In cats, this virus affects their ears. They lose their sense of balance and if she recovers she will never hear again. This cat was a very gentle and faithful cat and in my own way I liked her very much. So I paid for the medicine. It has been 3 or 4 years now and the cat is alive. She is stone deaf. But she is back to being her gentle faithful self.

Fluter, the singer Linda Ronstadt also lost her ability to be a musician when MS attacked her brain, she can't sing anymore. Julie Andrews was robbed of her singing voice by a bad vocal surgery outcome. guitarist Hank Garland lost his ability to play guitar when somebody who wanted him dead cut the brake lines to his car and he crashed. the Parkinson's disease that afflicted Robin Williams would have robbed him of his comedy expression. many more examples of fellow artists being robbed of their expression [and people in general robbed of their sense and senses] by this disease or that accident. this life can be harsh, indeed.

fluter, I don't really know you, but I'm sad you feel so discouraged.

Are you doing anything for your mental health? When I had breast cancer some years ago, I found an online forum for that disease and it was very supportive as well as a great source of information.

I hope you change your mind, keep the cat, and love yourself through your cancer journey.

We like to think it is the case that no one would miss us but that is seldom the case.

If this is about the cancer, there are solutions.

If you feel you are not getting the proper care from your doctors, change doctors, provided you can do so without delaying your treatment.

You can reduce the chances of neoropathy by using cold covers on your hands and feet during chemotherapy infusions. Also, your doctor can reduce your dose or sometimes change to a chemotherapy with a lower chance of neuropathy or different infusion schedule.

Another thing which may potentially contribute to neuropathy may be blood sugar spikes caused by dexamethasone. Dexamethasone is often necessary during chemo therapy for a variety of reasons but can cause hyperglycemia. If your fasting blood sugar is 120 on dexamethasone and you eat a meal, it can spike to over 200 after the meal. You can talk to your oncologist about your blood sugar levels on days you take/are given dexamethasone. Some people fast on these days if their fasting blood sugar is high but talk to your doctor about this.

Last but not least, neuropathy from chemotherapy is often temporary. It can take some time to resolve but it often does.

Chemotherapy may stop periods but this is often temporary in young women and may not cause menopause. If your cancer is estrogen receptor positive then one of the treatments is to use aromataste inhibitors and in women, tamoxifen, which will cause menopause, though not necessary permanently. Women who have had hormone positive breast cancer occasionally stop maintainence treatment temporarily to have a baby.

Anyway it sounds like you need some people to connect to in your situation.

I am guessing you have breast cancer as you mentioned early menopause but even if you don't this may still be a good resource for you.

Breast Cancer Forum: Young with breast cancer.

Some people have cured cancer by opting for a different route to chemotherapy.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/artic ... ancer.html

I value the fact that you play the flute. Not too many people do that any more.

Isn't the peripheral neuropathy only temporary in chemotherapy?

I wonder if I could hear you play sometime. I also live in NYC.

I'm sorry things aren't going well for you.

Fifasy:

That is not exactly what happened. The woman in this story, who's name was Jane Plant, did not forgo conventional cancer treatments. She did chemotherapy, surgery and radiation for her primary cancer. Then she later had a recurrance in her lymph node that was unresponsive to chemotherapy.
That is not unusual. They were likely going to remove it surgically and do radiation but it temoprarily resolved in that time. Jane Plant had five recurrances of secondary breast cancer, some after she went on her dairy free diet, and she did not forgo conventional treatments to treat them when needed. She remained on estrogen suppressing therapy until the end of her life. She did not die of the cancer but likely still had it. What she had discovered was that dairy, which contains estrogen, was causing a counter productive effect. Her cancer was estrogen receptor positive and she was supressing her estrogen with drugs but then consuming dairy which contains estrogen, thus helping remaining cancer cells grow.

Dairy also contains insulin like growth factor one (IGF-1) if it is unfermented (this can be destroyed by boiling) and epidermal growth factor (EGF) both which can help certain cancers to grow, particularly HER2 positive breast cancer.

Whether or not Jane Plant's cancer was HER2 positive, I don't know, but in 2003 HER2 positive breast cancers were more difficult to treat because the targeted therapies, trastuzumab (brand name: Herceptin) and pertuzumab (brand name: Perjeta) were not widely available as they were in clinical trials still. It was found that these drugs work best in combination, and they did not become standard treatment for HER2 positive breast cancer until recently.

These days, they can determine which cancers will likely respond to chemotherapy by doing genetic testing on the tumor using something like Mammaprint or oncotype, and sometimes by doing chemotherapy before surgery. On HER2 negative breast cancer, if it is found by genetic testing that the tumor may not respond to chemotherapy, it has not spread, and the risk of recurrance is low, then chemotherapy is sometimes avoided in situations where it wouldn't work well and the the risk outweighs the benefits.

Chemotherapy was no longer working on Jane Plant's cancer, which is why it was discontinued. She did not forgo chemotherapy or other conventional treatments when they were effective.

For HER2 positive breast cancer (which should be confirmed by FISH) chemotherapy along with targeted therapy is indicated. The standard treatment for HER2 positive cancer is chemotherapy which consists of a taxane such as Taxotere or Taxol combined with carboplatin and the targeted therapies Herceptin and Perjeta.

Dietary modifications should be used in conjuction with conventional therapies not in place of them. Jane Plant had essentially stage IV cancer and used diet in conjuction with conventional therapies. Not in place of them.

She did not forgo chemotherapy when her cancer was responsive to it.

Chemotherapy treatment and side effect management has come a long way. If the OP is experiencing neuropathy she needs to talk to her oncologist about changing the dose or schedule or switching one of the medications for another one and the other measures I mentioned.

Last edited by Chronos on 20 Jul 2018, 9:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

I like you, Fluter.

I don't want you to go.

And I'm sure your cat wouldn't like it, either.

Yes in most instances the neuropathy is temporary but there are ways to reduce the odds of getting or reduce the severity or avoid it by the measures I mentioned.

I agree she should take measures to lessen the chance of peripheral neuropathy and other complications.

Your cat deserves better. The tree deserves better. Your car deserves better.

You deserve better.

Please don't do that right now. Not today.

That's right, Ashariel. Everybody and everything deserve better.

Very eloquently put!

I'm glad you're here, Ashariel.

You posted this on 2018/07/19 at 19:44. You have logged in again without posting at least once since then; the last time was today, 2018/07/20, at 09:13. That was a little less than three hours ago.

Why did you start this thread?

Thank you, Kraftie. I'm having a rough time too lately, but hanging in.

Fluter, I'm so sorry to hear you're sick, and yes that's a really hard decision to make. Please make the brave choice, instead of the tragic one.

I'm glad you reached out for help. Many people here have dealt with cancer, and you're not alone.

Thank you everyone for your messages. I'm in a better place today. I feel like my problems are too big these days so I don't reach out to other people too often (not that I do normally anyway, but even more because I feel like I depress people by talking about it. But I felt so alone yesterday, and so much pressure, I needed someone to notice.

I did take precautions to avoid neuropathy...I've iced my hands and lips every treatment so far. But nevertheless I have neuropathy in both hands and had it in my lips and tongue as well for a few days (lips and tongue seem better now). The fingers are getting better, only a little numbness in the tips of my fingers. But each cycle it seems to gets worse...I have three to go and I'm worried it will become irreversible. (It can.)

I spoke to my oncologist about reducing the dose and she agreed to do so but told me it would be better if we continue the dose for one more round, then reduce for the 5th and th. She put the decision regarding next week's dose in my hands. I'm afraid to reduce the dose, because I want to do everything I can to prevent recurrence. At the same time, I'm afraid to continue the same dose.

Chronos, thank you for the information. I am very interested to know whether the dexamethosone itself causes a spike, or if the spike is due to bigger appetite->more eating. One thing I did this most recent (third) cycle (which marked a tremendous progression from the light, warm, pleasant buzzes in the palms and feet of the first two cycles--to numbness and pain in the absence of a stimuli of this recent cycle) was take candy-like (sugary) Omega Fatty Acid chewable vitamins instead of the gelcaps I was taking before that cycle. The reason I switched to the sugary chewable ones is that I can't swallow the gel caps; they are too big. So I was puncturing the shell and drinking the juice inside...this was working very well for many weeks. But once I started chemo, I couldn't take the fishy taste because it unsettled my stomach.

Kraftie, thank you. Some time I'll invite you to a concert.

It is braver to face a life without playing as a means of connecting to people and as a means of income. It is really difficult to fathom though, and last night I just kept thinking of all the times I've tried to make friends with people without a flute in my hand, and all the wierd and angry looks I get from people. And, all of the difficulties I've had communicating with the doctors and nurses I have to meet every week, and it all just seems too much to continue.