Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

Post Reply New Topic

I can really relate to A LOT of what you say. I think that's why I ended up writing a bunch of big giant posts in your threads the last couple of days. Didn't even realize they were all made by the same person at first.
And I'm going to try not to make this one of those big, giant posts.
Pretty serious depression, suicidal thoughts off and on my whole life. Really smart, haven't ever managed to support myself. Some pretty self destructive behavior, sometimes. Very often self loathing.
Do you ever exercise? If you're physically able.
It can be a pretty heavy chemical rush, flood your body with oxygen (which can be pretty giddy, sometimes). Can be pretty punishing, break your muscles down and make your body burn. Relieve some stress and agression. Could put some of your knowledge of biology to use, exercising is a sort of practice in applied anatomy and kinesiology. It can help clear the mind of the sad sad song that won't stop playing. It can provide small goals and challenges, and overcoming them can feel great.
It's something that's helped me. I'm missing it right now (long story). I haven't been able to work out for quite a while and I feel like crap because of it.

I do have a lot to say, but I don't want to end up hijacking someone else's (important) thread. And I have a hard time with that. What I have to say is a separate thing and I still have to figure out how and when and where to do that.

You always have to build up, with exercise, or with anything else. You can't just go out and run a marathon, it's not a reasonable expectation. It's all a process. Start out slow and easy, just enough to get started, and it will slowly build over time, with continued sincere effort.
It would help to have a coach, a trainer, something like that. The value of another person's experience, lessons being taught, and observations can't be discounted. But there's probably a lot you can do on your own, too.
The most important thing is to listen to your body, if it hurts, stop! Exercise shouldn't hurt, but it should be a bit uncomfortable. Understanding the difference is important, and finding a comfortable level of discomfort is important, and that will change over time.
Studying the way that muscles and bones work together is a part of it, making them work the way that they're designed to is the training.
It seems like yoga studios are usually pretty flexible about funds. Like you pay what you can, when you can. Or maybe volunteer a few hours to cover dues. I've never done it. I've always been into martial arts, but I often see notices around town here of flexible dues at yoga studios.
You never know. It seems like it could be worth checking into.
Another thing that's always helped me, if I'm trying to make a difficult change, or form a good habit. If I haven't been working out or playing my guitar, etc.
Doing just a little bit, first thing in the morning. Makes it so much easier to get started on the task later.
If I drop and do ten push ups while I'm making my first cup of coffee, the hard part is over. I've already gotten over the first hurdle, I no longer have to deal with the procrastination, or the build up of anxiety about it or any of that. That part of my brain and my body has already engaged, so it's not so hard to actually get started with my workout a little later in the morning.
Or a similar thing with music, or anything else.
And honestly, I forget it when I'm out of practice, but I feel SO MUCH better when I do Tai chi in the morning. I really can't go without it. It changes everything for me. And other people notice the difference as well.

And now I've gotten a bit off track.
I'm sure, if you explore the idea, look around this forum, the internet, your home town, your local community college. You should be able to find some resources to help you get started with something.
And it's really difficult for me to think about how bad I'm feeling if I'm focused on trying to feel what my little toe is doing while I squat on one leg to sweep my other out to where I'm going to step and adjust my knees and pull with my feet to engage my legs and my lats to turn my guts and pull my hands through whatever motion I'm going through while still trying to figure out just where my flexors digitorum and hallicus longus are and what they are doing and also remember that it is martial arts (!) And I have to be aware of every single particle of dust in the room, and listening so intently that I can hear the glass creaking from the pressure change as I breathe, and the clock ticking off the seconds and what my knees are doing, and whether I'm hunchimg, or leaning, without letting any of that distract me from the intention of the motion I'm putting my body through.
I can't focus on how much I hate myself while I'm doing that, and after some time that part doesn't distract me so much anymore.

And I got sidetracked enough that I completely forgot that I was going to say that sometimes, it's helped me, to make a little list of things I intend manifest. And actually write it down and say it to myself out loud early in the day. Even though it seems silly and ridiculous and sometimes pretty depressing that what I've written down because I intend to make it happen is something that I deal with. But while I was doing it, it worked!
The first thing I wrote on my list, of things I intended to manifest, at some point in the future, was
I'm going to have a good day today.
And I'd tell myself that in the morning.
Even if yesterday sucked, and all I want is for someone to kill me so I don't have to think about it anymore, even if it makes me cry to say it because it just does not seem possible.
That was the top of the list.
Other things on there were,
I'm going to find a better place to live, a positive environment. There will be another lady in my life someday. I'm going to become more flexible, I'm going to do the splits again. I'm going to find a way to make money.
I don't remember what all was on the list right now.
It's been a while, and I actually need to start doing that again.
But weird stuff started happening while I was doing that. I was having better days. I met a woman! And was actually able to initiate the process of asking her to hang out! And she was awesome! And it didn't work out and I managed to embarrass myself a little bit but we were still good friends for a while after that. I developed some totally reasonable plans to earn a living. So reasonable that a few months later I noticed other people doing some of them.
And I crashed and burned because of a whole other long story.
But the manifest list did seem to have some magic to it, that I really can't explain. But that is one more thing I may recommend thinking about, because it really seemed to help me.

And I've really lost track of what I'm doing right now so I'm going to stop writing and post this.

I truly wish you the best.

Bad sign - I tried to use a blade over a visible vein tonight (just to bleed)
Good sign - I was able to stop myself before I actually hit the vein

I'm sad, currently, and came here, hoping for the courage to generate a post, but I cannot, and I saw what you have written, and burst into tears. You are one of the loveliest people, here. I hope you will be ok. It breaks my heart to see that you've cut your wrist. I know it is none of my business, however. You are such a nice person, dragonsanddemons. I'm sorry you are suicidal. If there is anything I can do for you, I wish to. Sending you a hug, in case you accept them.

>>----(((dragonsanddemons)))---->

WHAT ABOUT KITTY HUGS!

I kind of thought sometime soon, while I don't have a job I'd be missing, would be a good time for hospitalization if necessary. Unfortunately, I can't find any good places near me that treat adults with my issues (though there are more for eating disorders or substance abuse that I didn't bother looking at). Back to the plan of trying to hide/minimize my issues to try to avoid such a thing, I guess.

d+d, thank you for your hug. Please don't feel responsible. It was likely an accumulation of emotions. In regard to your post, above^, I hope you find a place that suits your needs. I haven't read through the thread, so, I only know what you've mentioned in recent posts. I hope the best for you!

I hope you are doing okay. I am still feeling sad because you are suffering so much. I only enjoy talking with you & one other member here on Wrong Planet, and I still want to help you.



More big hugs.