Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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What is that thing on the woman's face?
It looks like a squishy banana.

My degree is in general biology. I went to K-State, and I was planning on going on to do the vet med program there, but I decided for several reasons (some I could work on and some I can't) that it wasn't the best choice for me. I still wanted to do something with animals, so I kept the biology major. Now, though, I'll take almost anything where they'll hire me and I can perform the job. I didn't know STEM jobs weren't advertised as much - I'd thought maybe there just weren't as many available in my area. I could probably do lab work somewhere, especially if they give me very specific instructions. I'll try to do some deeper investigation to see if I can find any such jobs, whether at a hospital or someplace else. Being a vet tech might be a good idea for me if I didn't have a true, legitimate phobia of parasites (as in, not the normal "Ew, gross," but "Even the mention of them as a possibility sends my brain into instant fight-or-flight mode") - I'd probably be needing to analyze samples for parasites on a regular basis.

I'll try to look for smaller employers like you suggest. No chance of me even considering working at a meat packing plant or slaughterhouse, I can't handle dead animals well at all. I've been keeping an eye out for stocking jobs in stores, since I'm pretty sure I can handle that, but a lot of the ones I've found require people to be able to lift a little more than I can (30 pounds to waist height is about my limit, many want 40 or 50) or will rotate the employees among different positions, so sometimes you'd be working in the back, sometimes you'd be working the customer service desk, sometimes you'd be running registers, etc. The place I used to clean at did that (but I wasn't directly employed by the store, so I wasn't part of the rotation, mercifully).

My mom has suggested to me that I try to learn some computer programming, and I've been considering it, but I don't really know where to begin. That would open up some opportunities for Aspie-friendly jobs, if I could do that. At the community college near where I live (it's actually within walking distance), they offer some classes that they call "continuing education," for people who aren't working toward a degree but want to take a particular class. That would probably be a good way to try some things out and see if I like/do well at them. I'd just have to be able to justify the cost - since I don't have the money to pay for it myself, I'd have to convince my parents to pay for it.

What's the difference between a functional resume and a chronological one?

The closest I've ever gotten to living on my own was living in a dorm at college, so I do have some experience with taking care of myself, but not really any other part of living on my own. Thank you for the suggestion, it wouldn't have occurred to me to rent a storage unit to have some sort of renting history. I'll look into that once I have a source of income - as it stands, I can't pay monthly fees. I'm a very strict rule-follower and thoroughly read all the paperwork I'm given before signing, so I don't think that part will be a problem for me

The problem with trying to keep my living conditions clean and uncluttered is that my parents are poor housekeepers. I can work on my bedroom, at least, though - it could definitely use some tidying. Since I don't have school or a job taking up my time, maybe I can also work on the rest of the house. Tidying up certainly can't hurt anything.

I know cutting/scratching myself is a bad idea, which is why I'm trying to stop. The problem is, I know it's a bad coping mechanism, but it's really all I've had for a while. Also, I've read that it can become an addiction, which I think is the case for me. It's hard, but I am trying to stop doing it.

Thank you for all the advice, I'm sure it will be very helpful.

I don't get the same thrill from seeing other people bleed as I do from myself - something about knowing it's my blood adds to it. I also have my own consent, and don't worry as much about accidentally doing serious harm because I can feel exactly what's going on and do it pretty slowly - I repeatedly give myself little scratches instead of doing one big cut all at once, so I feel like it's easy enough to tell if I'm going to hit something important before it's too late. But if someone else asked me to do to them what I do to myself and there wasn't a risk of doing more harm than they wanted, I wouldn't really see a problem with doing it.

A functional resume is a resume that focuses on your knowledge and abilities as opposed to a chronological resume which emphasizes your length of work at each employer and when and how you were promoted. Most Aspies don't have consistent work histories so a chronological resume here is worthless; I don't use a chronological resume anymore despite what the media and public say since it doesn't work as advertised.

I assume that you are living in Kansas since you mentioned that your degree was from K-State (correct me if I am wrong). Kansas and the prairie states are not good places for employment period, I'll be honest. I'm in SD and this state is terrible for employment; don't believe the statistics, the job market here is a joke unless you are in credit cards or in hospital care.

As for coping and such I would suggest that you simply continue to post here. That will take a huge load off you since hopelessness is often aggravated by not being able to speak out about it. I know firsthand since I live in a community that is notorious for having a 'shut up' mentality!

Maybe you should look for an occupation that involves bloodletting.

I wish it wasn't so long between appointments. In the time since my last one, I've gone from doing pretty OK back to self-harming at least once a day and seriously wondering if I should die (though not actively planning on killing myself anytime soon like I was before).

I know right? Sometimes after I see the shrink I feel fine but then it's ages before I see her again and I can't even tell her why I feel like excrement!

Maybe analyzing samples would be better - I'd still see blood as part of my job, but wouldn't end up accidentally hurting people more than necessary.

That's an awesome idea! Lab tech offers plenty of job potential too and your biology degree would count in your favor.

For whatever it's worth I'm in very similar shoes, 24 & patronizing the DVR office for appt. # 2 next week. Many years of industrial-standard tech experience on my part gets treated like five minutes.

Also a Tool fan here. \m/

No, Thanksgiving was actually pretty good - it was just my immediate family, so it was nice and calm. Christmas/New Year is when we have a big extended family get-together (and I'm already dreading it - as it stands, I'm in no shape to handle that well on top of the depression and self-harm issues). I can't think of one specific thing that's made it worse the past few days. I'm just once again feeling bad about not having a job, feeling like nothing but a burden to my parents, and now with them having to pay for treatment for my mental health issues, I'm thinking I'm getting to be much more expensive than I'm worth.

I am happy to hear that you had a pleasant Thanksgiving. I also feel the same way about Christmas & New Year; it is very depressing for me, especially with my mother gone. My family used to have a big extended family get together too, and I never liked them either.



I am still feeling sad that you are still unemployed, and that your therapy & medications are not working. Do you have any problems with eating, sleeping, or grooming yourself? I have had the same problem; when my depression was really bad & I was feeling suicidal, the only things I wanted to do were cry, sleep, and lay in my bed in the foetal position. I did not want to eat or groom myself, and I could not even sleep at night. I never wanted to leave my bed.