I made up with him, am waiting to see if he'll take me back.

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I know your theory, Ana, I just need to let it sink in.

You don't know it, or you would believe that wherever there is light the theory is true, rather than it being relative.

YAY Post 1000!
I ROCK!! !! !!

Anyway.
I do believe your theory, Ana, I'm sorry if I'm not stating that clearly.

Blaming himself sounds more like he felt that he let himself or you, or perhaps both of you down by not knowing about the mercury. Unless he has a history of being exceptionally patronizing, I personally wouldn't take his blaming himself as anything wrong about you. Alternatively, he can blame himself and you can blame yourself for what happened, since you didn't know either. Why blame each other? It doesn't seem necessary, especially for such a small thing as breaking bulbs.


The statement that "it's nobody's fault when someone upsets another person" is not going to be true all the time. It depends partly on whether that someone intended to upset the other person. Stan isn't a saint and neither are you. Actually, it's neither in your best interest nor his for you to be nice to him absolutely all the time. You say that everybody should be nice to him all the time, but honestly he will become an even stronger person if he is able to handle difficult situations. There's no better way to learn how to do so than to actually be presented with those situations, i.e. somebody's not going to be nice. So I'd say you'd actually be hurting him to be nice to him 100% of the time. Now, I don't mean that you should go out of your way to be nasty to him, but I am saying that when there are those times that you lose patience and you are less than nice, let it happen. It's infinitely healthier for the relationship for you to blow off that steam, than it would be for you to keep it inside.


It's important for the health of your relationship if you are able to interact and be able to do stuff with people other than Stan. Interacting with other people and doing other things will allow you to grow and have a more three-dimensional perspective of your relationship, your life, and the world around you. Plus you'll learn more stuff and be better able to be on more equal footing with your relationship with Stan.

About the dominance issue... yeah that feeling is bound to happen, for you and for Stan. You two could take turns doing it, so sometimes he can be the dominant one and other times you can be. It's going to be really really difficult to try to remove the power/dominance element since you're both Aspies, so rather than remove it altogether, approach it from a different angle. You could think that letting him be dominant makes you feel useless... unless you are proactive about letting him be dominant. Then it becomes more difficult to say really who is in control! Take turns and eventually you two may even learn how to have fun with it.


There's some quote from somewhere about a caged bird... if you let him loose and he comes back, you'll know he's yours... if he doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be.... something like that... maybe just give him some time to think, give him some space and see what happens.

What is this theory that you guys are talking about?

About the smashed light thing-- I know he felt he let both of s down by not knowing, but why didn't he also think I let both of us down by not knowing?


And I dn't even know if he has a history of being patronizing. Because in all those instances in which he might have been, I don't knw if he actually was or not. So I have no idea if he is a condescending person or not. Oh, and I forgot to say that in all fairness he did say to me once, "I don't want you to need me. But you can want me if you want."


Maybe yo're right; maybe we don't know how to be equals bt we do know how to be dominant and we do know how to be submissive.


I never had the chance to be dominant. I simply know too little to correct him on things or take charge and say "This is the way it is." I haven't read many things that would be useful in the situations we get into and I don't have much life experience. I want life experience besides with him, and I'm going to get a little in a day program that has classes on self-esteem and depression and stuff, but that's NOTHING! I want real life experiences!


I've been in a few mental hospitals, but he also knows what it's like in a mental hospital because he's WORKED in mental hospitals (and fr way longer than I've been a patient in them) and group homes too.

I've been on more meds than him; true.

He's read more than me.

He's had 2 or 3 girlfriends before me, in real life. I had just had two boyfriend before him, and one was on the internet; we'd never met in real life. The other one was a WP member and I thought I would be with him until I met Stan, and then he was just a friend when we met in real life.

He can do handywork around the house. (Not me.)

He's lived in a room before in a building with wild people, I have too; I've lived at the YMCA and I think that's even better, so maybe I have that going for me.


He's lived in several states, and I've lived in several provinces in Canada.

He's been to college about 5 times (though he dropped out all the times). I'm still one credit away from finishing high school.

I was in an ice storm in Quebec that was declared a state of emergency, outside and at shelters, for 2 weeks; there' something. He hasn't been in any major natural disasters.

I've been hospitalized for physical stuff and he hasn't been, but he knows more about medical stuff than me, so it doesn't matter.

I've been to 4 different kinds of high schools, and I forget how many high schools he's been to; I forget and will have to ask him.

I've had a bird and some fish and cats, and I think all he's had is a cat and dogs, so that's something, I guess. But he could learn how to take care of a bird or fish just like that.

He's done all different kinds of illegal drugs. I've only done drugs with him. And only pot and cough syrup and some stimulant pills.

He knows what it's like to cut himself and I've never cut myself.

I have more mental diagnoses, true. I have 5, he has 2 or 3.


Everything I've done he's also done, and then some.


Another thing I have to say about him is that he says he wants me to try and understand him instead of getting upset with him, but when I try and get it wrong he says I'm making nasty assumptions about him. How am I supposed to get it right? How am I supposed to know when I get it right? I don't know. He has to help me understand him, but he's not doing it. I asked him why he did those things that bothered me in the first place so that I could understand him, so that he could help me understand him, but he refused to help me, he refused to explain.

Edit: Stan may not take me back. That means or son may have only one parent with him. Our son probably okay; he's probably stimulated enough with you around him all the time, but if he had both of us with him at the same time all the time he'd probably be even happier.

He said that my explanation as to how my brain fooled me into thinking Allen was the guy for me was the biggest crap-filled series of emails I had sent him so far.


i told him: "I was only trying to explain to you why I went off with Chris, and that yes, it was wrong. It's true. I don't see how it doesn't make sense to you."


He also asked if I was trying to upset him by still posting our personal stuff on WP, and I said: "The reason I'm still posting things about us on Wrongplanet is that I was trying to put those people right after I wrote some untrue things about you thinking they were true (I shuldn't have posted anything bad about you at all in the first place). Then I had to post saying what was really going on, that as a matter of fact this was what's true (to correcdt them) to fix what I had done. I'm sorry. I had to post about our progress (and my progress in understanding you) so that the people there see the good in you and don't think you're bad from what they read before. I thought you would want that; maybe I'm wrong." Then i added, "I thought you might have wanted me to correct people's perception of you being nasty because your main concern before was that i was posting NASTY stuff on the internet about you."

Last edited by Ana54 on 23 Mar 2009, 2:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I still think Allen is a nice guy.

Come to him!!

Last edited by Ana54 on 23 Mar 2009, 4:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I also want to apologize to him for it not occurring to me that he was not patronizing me bt rewarding me for who I was, and I want him to apologize for it not occurring to him when he did those things that I might think he was patronizing me. that way we'll both understand what happened and that it's unfortunate that the misunderstanding happened and we can comfort ourselves and each other.


But I don't like how he thought i didn't care about or baby getting affected by mercury from the fluorescent lights, just because I didn't get upset about it. I cared. it's just that unlike him, i knew that getting upset or worried was pointless. The lights had already been smashed and I had already been exposed to the powder and there was nothing that we could do about it.

Last edited by Ana54 on 23 Mar 2009, 11:53 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Is it appropriate to be talking about other WP members like this?

I understand that you're supporting WP members by saying one shouldn't talk about them negatively, but I'm a WP member too.


Anyway, I sent Stan this:

I also told him:

I told him a lot yesterday and today that I missed him and that I loved him and he still hasn't said he misses me or that he loves me but there are times in the past when he told me he loved me and I was unresponsive.

This is worded much more complicatedly than it needs to be, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Stan found this confusing as well. What that quote boils down to is "we have different needs from a relationship," and you and Stan ought to discuss whether your relationship can be built to meet those needs. I think that you should concentrate on making yourself clear with Stan and working things out with him first and foremost. Explaining yourself to the rest of us should be among the least of your concerns. You don't have to keep posting every single detail in an attempt to right whatever misconceptions you think readers may have about Stan, based on the "nasty" things you've mentioned. Honestly, that has more to do now with soothing a guilty conscience than it is a reflection of whatever others think about your situation...

He needs space. Don't keep trying to talk to him if he doesn't want to talk to you. You'll find your mind even less trapped if you let the dust settle a bit... and so will his mind as well.

My conscience is directly correlated with what others think about Stan from what I posted.


I said this to him, to word what I said before better:

Edit: I also told him:

Then I told him:

And then I said:

He said:

I said:

Then I said:

He just told me not to get mad at things I think he thought, and I said "Well, why did you say that thing about me not caring because I didn't worry then?"


Stinkypuppy, you really did help me in some of your earlier posts; thanks. I never got around to thanking you enough so I will now.


Edit: OMG, I'm so happy! He said he understood that during that incident I did care and that I simply chose not to get upset because it was pointless.

Edit: I update our conversation in this post regularly.

Last edited by Ana54 on 24 Mar 2009, 4:30 pm, edited 5 times in total.

You're welcome, Ana54. I try to be helpful whenever I can.

I can kinda understand what it must feel like to be in a relationship like yours; I was the older guy in my case, and I remember having many of the same issues with my partner-in-crime (heh). I used to complain a lot that my partner (who is close to your age) wasn't pulling his own weight in the relationship, and no matter what I did or said, I couldn't get him to do any more without him counter-complaining that I was stepping on his toes all the time and that he wanted to spend more time away from me. With regards to the relationship I felt like he just didn't like me at all anymore and thus wanted to end it, and I got really distraught about this...

...but after a lot of time and thinking had passed, I realized that it was probably more an issue of how exactly he was ever supposed to learn how to pull his own weight. It was never going to happen with me constantly around to judge him and correct his every mistake. I'd be more like a parent than an equal if I continued to do that. He had to be allowed to make mistakes. He had to be allowed to learn things and become better than me in some things, rather than the state things were at a few years ago when I knew a lot of things and he knew relatively little. He needed to diversify his experience, and with me in the way that was never going to happen. You know, I loved him a lot, but my being there all the time suffocated him rather than supported him.

We still talk to each other... it used to be every day but now it's probably two to three times per year. He tells me brief stories about some of the things he does, and he may not realize it but I know that it's a sign that he is getting that much-needed experience and he is getting stronger. He asks how I'm doing these days, but he never asks specifics about what I do, which makes me think he keeps tabs on me to check if I still care about him rather than being interested in the little things I do. And we just wait until the age gap narrows and he's better able to hold his own in a relationship. Nothing else to do until then, I guess.

I hate being the one that knows nothing in the relationship. I wanted to impress my partner, give him something to love me for, but I have nothing to impress him with. he impresses me sometimes. It's true that he was impressed by my posts and Aspie commune planning on WrongPlanet, and he then PMed me to tell me he was REALLY impressed by them and that he wanted me as a director in his business for autistic people, and then he was really impressed with my scientific theory, but after that there was nothing. Nothing at all. I had nothing else to impress him with. True, he never came up with my theory and my theory solves the mystery of love/life/light... He probably thought that since I was so amazing those few times, I would be again in other aspects of life too, and I probably disappointed him. He thought I would have ideas for our company for autistic people and I had none, and he had none, and we didn't end up starting the company. He did say I had a talent for mothering and that I was so good with the baby... but I don't have any EXPERIENCES to impress him with, and I wish I had some.