scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-7

My father passed away in his sleep last Saturday at age 58, and I am doing my best to take care of my family and of myself. I've just been feeling disconnected, and not feeling up to playing video games or making YouTube videos.

0
Not happy or sad. In my robot like state.

-7

-7 the worst part is I am forgetting what it used to be like to actually be happy. It is like a never ending madness that just when you think you are starting to see the light you knowtice it is all just another layer of madness.

-2. There are times I wished it's 0, and stays that way.

Not because of screw ups, or being upset, or any sort of disappointment or what makes one depressed or angry.
But I'm contented, bored, and sort of waiting whatever things it may come.

I wanna go lost. Away from everyone I knew. Then do things without regret, go unattached, and unfettered. No friends or love ones to gain or lose, only allies with mutual benefits and no bonds.

I wanna move on, but I can't because of memories and the people I encountered. I sort of wanna start anew, but only to myself and only for myself, without someone I knew getting involved.

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I'm a +1, but mainly because I like Tuesdays.

+1 as, I'm hopping that trying my hand at posting to pet sitting jobs will turn out to be fruitful and multiply

-8 I've never. Effort today been so attacke dive had to request my thread be locked wtf is wrong with people

3. going to yosemite, but not after i have my neck checked out.

wishing they would perfect neck transplants already.

0. Robotic and apathetic.

Which is kind of a -7, because I'm also scared and feel stupid.

Asked the psych for Xanax, because it didn't make me high or leave me strung out. It just, you know, stopped the panic.

Everybody said it would be OK to ask, she was really good, she'd listen.

She didn't. She flipped out because my 3-year-old took an nap in her office, basically called me a druggie looking for a buzz, and gave me Klonopin instead.

Which does make me high, for like a whole day, and then leaves me exhausted, lethargic, weak, and apathetic for like the next two days at .25 mg. What I want more than anything right now is to wash down another .25 mg with a cup of coffee, so I feel high again instead of like a zombie. Now what does THAT sound like?? Cause it sounds like the beginning of an abuse problem to me.

Six Xanax at .25 mg lasted me six months, though I prolly should have taken them about twice as often as I did.

Twelve Klonopin at .50 mg, cut in half, have lasted two weeks and I have 4 and a half pills left.

Which drug is going to get me in trouble, you dumb-ass self-righteous c**t??

Also I almost forgot my 3-year-old in the car the day after I took one the last time. That's only happened to me once before-- when I let my MIL talk me into taking one of her Ativan.

Xanax didn't do that. No high, no hangover. Just the ability to get back on top of the fear.

Can I PLEASE just have the damn drug I asked for????

No, Hell no, and if I go back in 2 weeks and ask for it, she'll probably turn me into CYS or something.

I don't ask for meds without knowing what I'm talking about, I don't need to sell them, and I don't WANT to get high. If I wanted to get high, believe me, I know where to get any goddamn thing I want OFF THE RECORD.

4. Don't ask why okay?

2

+1

0. Despite the good things and lack of misfortune.
Even after getting a surprise advance birthday party from my colleagues, and then having two cakes at the actual birthdate on solo, even after watching 4 comedy movies all night with a lot of salty chips on my side, scared the crap out on my sister and her boyfriend, and even after annoyed mom for crap's sake.

But why? Other than wanting to move on...?

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+7

I get to go on a vacation of my own next week, and I am very much looking forward to it. I am working hard on keeping my spirits up and getting my life back together following my dad's sudden death exactly 2 weeks ago.

+7 I got somebody to come in here and cook up meals in my 2 slow-cookers. Then I split them into a dozen containers and put them in the freezer. All done!