I can't even hate myself...

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I honestly don't know how to answer that question when someone asks if I like or dislike myself, its not that simple as i don't even know how to define myself in the first place. I had another battle in my head...one side thinking I have to be 'cautious' I need to take it easy and avoid stress even if it means avoiding fun things, then the other side going on about how i wanna just go out have a good time and not care and like the other side was preventing that side from having it's fun. WTF.......do I do with that? Why can't I just have a balance of both sides rather than a battle between them in my head.

Also which one do I lean towards, am I really suppressing my wants or needs out of fear or due to learned helplessness...or do I just feel I am wrong by being slower paced and needing to watch my stress because of things people have said so I sometimes feel like I just need to get out and do something, not that I know what......I don't even have any friends to go BS with and if I run around outside like a lunatic for my own entertainment I am likely to attract unwanted attention from the authorties for being 'crazy.' Uhh I am just really frusterated with this whole identity issue...I mean I have a hard time even trying to define my behavior because I end up worrying about everyone else and how they feel so I feel I end up constantly catering to everyone else as best I can...but that's more reactive behavior than what I would choose to do with my time maybe. It's just so confusing......I don't expect this rant to make much sense but maybe someone can at least relate to the bloody confusion I am experiencing in life.

I guess this is a lot to me, because I've really been hit with it recently, like realizing I really don't have a clue about who I am. Maybe I am over-reacting but it's disturbing and scary to me kind of because I figure most people at least have some idea of who they really are and aren't constantly questioning it but maybe it's more common than I think.

Understanding of "self" comes with understanding of "others" that one would compare themselves to. So naturally I would recommend getting involved with real people or, if not, study literature or something.

I hate this question. I've gotten to coping by responding with a question: "what are you actually asking?" When they persist in failing to reveal their motivations, I fall back to "what do you want?" It's rude, but frankly for most people to ask this question is a terrible imposition on one's personal space.

For what it's worth, I think everyone ends up asking "Why am I here? For how long?" It's worth figuring out, to the extent it can be figured out. It's more important to be open to having the answers change.

A person isn't much in him or herself. The qualities you may have lie and wait when they have no application; thus you may be unaware of them living a life of silence. Being involved with people exposes who you are, what you need to work on and so forth. Can't know yourself if you don't know others. The same essentially applies to things like knowledge of one's culture or country.

True, we're the sorta folk who get into traumatic situations like that most often. But even then, you still show yourself in these suggestions, e.g. whether you're able to forgive or you start a huge drama over it etc. A good advice I've once received is to stop caring of your benefit. You constantly find yourself unwanted and you enter another situation with a desire for things to change - it doesn't happen, as a result you suffer. A lot of people suffer this way, and we auties have it worse if we think that what we don't have will make us happy. Or, we have the upper hand if our sense of happiness isn't derived from how justly we're treated (and a lot of people do seem to think we deserve it when we get it). Ultimately, that's probably the goal.

It's hard for everybody, but you just take little steps. Like joining this forum and seeing a lot of people who are doing about as poorly as you; you say something they can relate to, cheer them up or give them advice (some would want support; others information that they cannot personally reach). Outside, you need a bit more bravery, thought and will to do the same, as a computer and an ability to use language to express ideas will not be enough.

The less depressed folks on the forum seem to continuously repeat that we have the special qualities needed to overcome our special weaknesses. That's a good idea to keep in mind and return to.

I have had a similiar battle going on dealing with recovering from a injury which main characteristic is pain.

Activity generally brings on a little pain, and its ridiculusly easy to overdo it or just make one wrong move that brings on moderate to heavy pain. But I found that over time by keeping at the activity I have been pushing back the point where I overdo it, so now can do many fairly strenuous things and only have minor pain results. But it has been a process of years and the fear of really reinjuring the area was always a scary worry in the back of my head.

So I came to think the best approach was to 'lean into the pain' and when I could do something for 15 minutes without pain, increase it to the point it was more or less painful again, like say 30 minutes. When 30 minutes was pain free, push on to 45 minutes. If 45 minutes is all I want to do of it, start up a new activity that hurts.

I actually don't focus on choosing things for the pain, but for things I want to do. I emphasized that part to illustrate the idea of needing to take a little controlled risk and not over-protecting yourself too much. You have to be reasonable, but when its hard to decide I would err on the side of being adventureous/pushing yourself.