Rants

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F***ING HELL...It's such a pain in the behind to finish these stupid assignments for college. And I still can't shake off what my mother had told me yesterday. It makes me want to cry again as I struggle to remember what I "learned" from courses I've taken years ago at an old college for this stupid degree plan assignment I'm supposed to hand it by tonight.

I hate having such tasks to be completed as if it's required for me to be a wiz at them and I honestly hate college. I can't even enjoy college and learn just for the sake of learning. It's a flipping chore and I'm tired of it and I just want to be done! I'm tired of being penalized for not getting something done to perfection! and I'm tired of that person who calls herself my mother criticizing me for finding college hard. "It's not that hard, stop whining" Shut UP!

I wish my family could get as excited about things as I do.

"Oh, Gwen got a job.... What else is new?"- my mom's reaction to me telling her I got a job.

At least I'm trying. Maybe I have had and failed at a lot of jobs. There is a chance I could be great at this one and keep it for a long time. I wish I felt supported though and I wish I had encouragement that came from more than my imaginary friends and my imaginary significant other.

Apparently, I "embarrass" my mother with the way I look, dress, act, and now where I work. I'm sorry I'm not what she wanted when she decided to have me. She deserves better than me. I love her to pieces, but I don't think she loves me (if she ever even did). I'm her "weird" daughter. The other two are her "normal" ones, even though I believe my older sister is just as messed up as I am, just in a different way.

Do I wish I was never born? No. I am becoming fond of life. Do I wish I were born into a different family? Not really.

Do I wish I could move out and be on my own? Yes please

Maybe I am ungrateful like my family says.

The Silent One, you're not being ungrateful and your mom doesn't deserve better than you. Your mom shouldn't make you feel that way.

Why do people keep asking me if I'm on drugs just because I don't feel like cutting my hair during the winter? My appearance seems pretty immaterial to me but it seems like that's the only thing most people ever notice. I don't remember the last time I went a day without someone asking me what's wrong, and after a while it stops being comforting and becomes foreboding. Like there's something going on with me and I'm the only one who can't see it.

My mother really made me sour when she came home... She got an attitude with me because I didn't offer her to make her food when she walked in the door. I tried to tell her that I was attempting to send her a message asking what she wanted me to make once she got out of work but it had failed to send and I've forgotten to check my messages to see. I made her coffee and walked by the bathroom door next to my room since she was in it.

I told her that I made her coffee and asked if she wanted anything else and then she snapped at me. Giving me this lecture of, "If you wanted to make me something you would've asked me when I waked in the house! Just go in your room!"

She fking needs to make her own goddamn food and strop treating me like a servant who does everything to her standards! I try to do something "nice" for this narcissistic person but she just cr*ps all over ever thing I try to do for her.

This one might not be quite a rant, but.

I just woke up from a recurring dream I've been having where my ex suddenly shows up. Each time I have this dream she goes from being sort-of amicable, to being really nasty, to eventually trying to kill me with a knife or something of that sort, with this really cold, empty look in her eyes. In reality, she was prone to suddenly becoming nasty, but obviously the part where I get attacked isn't real. I guess I wasn't always great, either. We were living together for a couple years, for context here.

Long story short, I broke up with her because we were both clearly stressed out by it, but we said we'd be friends. To be honest at this point I didn't want to break up but I couldn't say anything... whatever. Well, she decided to block me for reasons I'm not wholly clear on, and I was pretty emotionally messed up already from the break up; I hurt myself a lot at that point. Maybe the dream was a reflection of that, in some way.

Well, I've never felt this level of hate for a single person for this long. I'm better now and actually feel like I'm making some sort of progress with my life again - I'm a smart guy and I really like that I can finally apply that productively again - but goddamn my mind will not let this rest even though it's been three years. I guess it makes sense because she was the only person I've ever really spoken to in-depth or felt a connection with at all, outside of the internet. I just want to forget it and accept she's never going to make contact again, but then I wake up from these dreams early in the morning, and can't sleep through a combination of hate and paranoia. URGHHH JUST GO AWAY

Talking of paranoia, does anybody else experience that thing where a dream makes you distrust people in reality? Changes your impression of someone you already know (or knew, in this case)? I don't think that I'm going to be particularly friendly to anybody today, because this dream makes me distrust everybody, every time I have it.

My mother came home and started demanding food. She went on to mock the way I talked and kept questioning why I was standing all awkward mocking me even more. I wanted to hit her so f**king bad! I'm not in a f**king good mood right now and I want her to go away. I'm tired of looking at that person's face. She's nothing but a narcissistic a-hole and I wish Shadow or someone could put her in her place. She doesn't deserve to be treated like a queen and I'm tired of her disrespect.

I don't know how to describe it... I just feel really... insulted.. not that the friend intentionally tried to insult me. But like...I'm at the verge of crying while looking at my grades because I'm paranoid that I'm going to fail something and my mother is going to punish me and force me to get a job or kick me out the house. During it, the friend sends me a message that he's worried and that makes me worried for him because I'm expecting him to tell me that he's going to lose his job or his home...but turns around and tells me that he's worried that his attire is not the best and not the cleanest like other people.... That initially got me crying because I felt insulted. But he didn't know my situation and of course he didn't do it intentionally, all of that is resolved now after explaining how what he said made me feel.

I guess it's a reason why I get super annoyed with all the posts about guys feeling like they don't look good enough or complaining that they are not fit enough to attract the attention of women. I'm like...everyone deals with stuff, I don't want to seem insensitive and selfish, but sometimes I feel insulted where that's the only thing some people are concerned about while I'm here fearing about being on welfare and not having a place to live.... So, I try to ignore those posts as much as I can.

The only person i was talking beside my best friend indirectly called me a whore. He then apologised and started messaging me even when i didn't respond. I clearly told him i see him as just a friend but he seems to see everything i do or say as a sign that i like him.. ı'm so scared that people are going to think i'M bad or a "slut" for leading him on..

I read a post...someone mentions the movie, The Shape of Water...I instantly start having a ptsd moment of how people have treated me (and still do) with my sexual interest to those who are not human... It's the same reason why I avoid anything having to do with Beauty and the Beast... I need to shake off these ill feelings fast! ...It makes me want to chuck so bad and cry...

It saddens me that movies like that which would natural be something I would love to watch, cause me to have terrible thoughts of the kind of offensive comments people make in regards to my sexuality and how I was abused in high school because of it. God... my happy mood went down quick..

Now it kind of contradicts what I posted in another post about loving yourself... I hate having these reactions that I do. I know better to not find thing things that I like wrong...but my emotions say otherwise...it's a flurry of a mess in my head..

I cried today, had a meltdown and almost smashed my computer over things that's been upsetting me. My mother also didn't make things pleasant for me when she keeps pressuring me to get my assignment done for class (I had an extended time to get a few more things done).

Today was so hard for me to get these assignments done. It made me want to harm myself every time I attempted to type up this one paper. I ended up slamming the screen to my laptop down and curled in bed to cry wishing I was dead. Slowly I kept on enduring the pain and anxiety to force myself to get this extended assignment done so I can finally relax hoping that I passed everything...

I just wish my mother actually gave a **** and not make comments about how pathetic it is for people who have a hard time with close interactions because they are biopolar and have other mental issues. She has no idea how hard it is for people, like myself to deal with everyday life and she needs to stop living in her stupid bubble and actually give a care that SOME people deal with an ample amount of stress and have to put on a fake smile ever flipping day because some PARENT forces them to do so!

I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't be on this site. Some of the posts I read on here are beginning to deteriorate my tolerance and I'm getting more emotionally unstable to the point where I'm becoming depressed. I'm really embarrassed to be mentioning this... I just been debating for a couple weeks with wondering, "Am I really benefiting from this place?" -sigh- I do this every forum I go on... I put in all this work thinking that I can enjoy feeling like I can be in a social situation like this without wanting to commit suicide just to end up deleting my profile information and leaving...I'm tired that I can't handle certain things presented to me and I wish I could handle my emotions better.

I want these Medicaid cards to come already so I can go to a therapist in hopes that I can get help with these emotions...

This isn't a "I'm leaving" post, I just wanted to share what I've been feeling for a while since I'm still undecided. Maybe I just need to take breaks or something and actually do other things that make me happy like play video games...or avoid any posts that I know will offend me and stick with sharing pictures and music videos... and only post something of significance when I need some advice on something... I don't know... I get addicted to socializing, it's like a bad drug...but I guess it's human nature to have the urge to socialize... no matter how it's done.