Rants

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My brain feels like it's going to f*****g explode, and in a bad way.

I don't wanna go to college. I don't want everything to change.

There's nothing I'm good at, and that makes me so, so sad.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

watching/reading the news and seeing all the evil/ amount of crimes in the world really makes me very depressed.

i feel disgusted that i share the planet with such evil dirty souls f***s.

I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know what is reality and what isn't.

Denis Istomin had to withdraw from a tournament. I hope he hasn't picked up another injury.

My mood is flip-flopping again... need to keep taking sedatives, antidepressants, antipscyhotics, and caffeine to stay non-anxious and non-depressed at the same time.

I feel like I didn't really try when I was in high school, and I could've done better if I actually tried, but there was just so many other things going on that school wasn't my top priority.

Unfortunately I didn't tell anyone about that, so I had to deal with that on top of staying on top of my schoolwork, and I couldn't always physically keep up with it.

I'm pretty sure I spent the majority of my time in high school either sleeping, having a meltdown, crying, fighting with my mom, or locking myself into a daydream to escape from it all.

Or hiding from people. Quite literally. I used to run away and hide when I got anxious from somebody. I remember skipping class by hiding in the bathroom becauss we were doing group projects and I was too scared to talk to anybody.

...Yeah, that's how I came up with the majority of my stories. I spent about half of my time in reality, and half of my time in a coma-ish sleep.

Uhm, yeah, I remember there was one time in eighth grade where I had so little sleep that I lost the ability to read and I couldn't really think. And I still had to go to school.

Yeah, I think the reason I didn't trust anybody was because I just met a bunch of really sh***y folks. Like, whenever I had a problem, people would either make fun of me, make the problem worse, or fail to do anything. Whenever I had some kind of health problem, my mom would either call me a hypochrondiac or not take me to the doctor until the last minute. Or call me a "pain in the ass" if I ever complained about anything, or say I was "ruining her day."
Luckily my dad was a doctor so that kind of worked out.

Everyone in the grade just made jokes about me at my expense, or would run up and say stuff to me just to get a reaction, and that's the only interaction we had. I made friends, but every single one of them turned out to be fake. The teachers, principal, counselor, aftercare workers, and "aides" that worked at my school were all... also the same way.

The aide that I had in sixth/seventh grade that was supposed to help me in class-- I had a lot of meltdowns-- would talk about me in front of my face to another lady, and complain about how I was also "a pain in the ass" and "mean." Or, when I was having a meltdown, would mock me and imitate me. ._. They never listened to what I had to say, only my mom. Like if my mom was like, "Yo, I want Lillikoi to stop crying when they're having a meltdown 'cause it's annoying," then all the teachers/workers/ the f****n' principal will all yell at me when I'm crying while having a meltdown and try to forcefully correct it.

Ugh, I always screw things over with every person I try to become friends with. I'm so stupid.

Rain, rain, go away. Lol, how many times I had ever said this?!

The house is a mess, people are stranded, and more inconveniences because of it.

Oh, and, I'm not the only one who's ranting about it.

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This is just like everywhere else. The lines that set it apart were an illusion.

This is just like everywhere else.

Lurking is your standard observation. You're enjoying the illusion of inside but it's a lie.
It's pathetic and it's dull and it's very, very human. I can't be bothered to envy but I think I would if I could.
Just let the walls fall away already; I see it.
This. It's just like everyone else.
It's just like everywhere else.
I know your thought's not independent but humour me for a moment. Just look at it; really look. Don't you see what you are?
It's all so f*****g ...?
The void doesn't have an echo so we are that echo for other people. That is the nature and the basis of almost all casual conversation. What is the point? We communicate out of guilt and this shared agreement for a mutual, if shallow, delusion. I can't believe you don't see it because you are me, and I see all these little threads and strands occupying themselves.
When you talk, do you feel less lonely? When you listen and you recognise what's said, does it make it go away? And when you just affirm, and you're saying nothing, and you're performing a function for the sake of another, do you really believe it helps, really helps them? It was said to sate and obligation and you both know it; what was the point of what you just said?

Just be quiet for a second and listen to the void.

There is no point, there is no purpose, and banality is a waste of all that you could be.
I am not saying you should give up. This is a sandbox and you can do f*****g anything. Just please, for the love of God, don't do this.
Shut up, shut up and stop wasting yourself.
Wake up because you are better than this distraction.
Realise where you are, because there is only one place you could be.
I don't want to see this laziness from you again. I am tired of it.

It frustrates me how difficult it is to please hard-nosed personality types.

Dear cellular structure,

I'm speaking to you.
And to YOU.
You know who you are.
You are not going to ravage this body.
I won't let you.
I don't have time for you.
Still have so much I want to do.
Give up this behaviour NOW.
I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR BULLYING.

Raleigh.