Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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I am sorry for the late reply; my computer was not working right.



I am glad I could help you with the suggestion. I hope you sound system helps you sleep at night. Are you still taking the trazodone pills, and are they helping you sleep?



How have things been for you in the last few days? Do you still have the urge to hurt yourself?



I still want to help you however possible. Big hugs.

It's nice that you seem to get along with your mother.

I recently felt hopeless because of my situation with job hunting and decided on writing down a plan on how I should go about just leaving home and intentionally making myself homeless.

On the note/plan, that I intended for someone to find in my room should they come looking when they needed me for some reason, I detailed certain aspects of my life or more negative impacts people have made on my life and why they've been deciding factors on my decision to leave. At the time my main factor was I blamed the environment I currently still live in; me being a non-smoker with breathing problems living in a house of smokers, who could blame me right?

Apart from the obvious immediate environmental issues, it was not a plea for help or an attempt at seeking attention, i didn't want any of that, it seemed and still does seem that my situation is not going to change and I thought a change of scenery would give me insight and the change I needed.

So fast forward to an hour after leaving with much of the essentials packed into a backpack with little money and a little food to keep me going for a day or so, I felt like it was the right thing to do but part of me wanted to go back because the positive part of me kept thinking, "isn't this just going to cause pain to the family members who actually do care for me?", "am I going to prove those people right who knew what direction I would go in life, ending up in a rut, or doing something stupid that might cause further pain to both myself and others?". After much deliberation, and the fact that nobody had called after several hours, this gave me enough of an opportunity to turn back as if nothing ever happened because I felt like I experienced what it truly feels like to live on the streets and this was at a time when it was dark and very cold outside.

All this was just a few days ago, so I just ripped up the note and forget it ever happened, but I will be slightly prepared should the situation be forced upon me, but then I won't feel the guilt of leaving because I would have no choice in the matter.

I am glad to hear that you are doing okay for now, but I am still sad that you are feeling depressed. I hope that your urge to hurt yourself will stop completely; it just takes time, and I hope that your suicidal feelings also go away.



I am also sorry to hear that you still have problems with your sleep. Yesterday, I read online about a possible solution for some of your problems. It is an object called a weighted blanket. They are supposed to be very comforting & have the ability to reduce stress & make people feel comfortable. Apparently, weighted blankets are used by a lot of individuals on the autistic spectrum. I discovered them yesterday when I was watching a You Tube video made by a young English girl with Asperger's syndrome called Princess Aspien, and she owns a lot of them & uses them frequently. I did a quick online search for weighted blankets, and unfortunately, a lot of them are expensive; some of them cost over $100.00. I do not know anything about weighted blankets, and I have never used them, but I just thought I would share it with you, in case you are interested in researching them.



A few weeks ago, you mentioned that you were thinking about sleeping in your guest room instead of your bedroom; did you ever decide to do that? If you did it, then did it help you at all?



I am still here for you. 300 big dragon hugs.

You're such a nice person, Ms. Dragon. Never a bad or cross word for anyone.

What happens when you try to contradict your depressive feelings using a sort of "reality testing?"

For many reasons, I just don't see why you SHOULD be depressed. It's not fair.

I'm glad your mother is on your side, and really tries to help.

People are often their own "worst enemy." I know I am.

I see a spot on my pants, and I worry that everybody will notice. In reality, unless a person is intimate with you, they probably wouldn't notice the spot (unless they are extra, extra nosy and really look "too close").

I feel like this might be the same with you. You feel that every action is scrutinized by others---when they are really not. People are usually too selfish, too much into their "own thing" to see little flaws.

I find that your depressive aspects puts you in binds. I find that the only way to get out of those "binds" is to objectively assess the situation.

You should really look at yourself objectively. Do you curse out people just for the heck of it? Do you steal from people? Are you a nasty person in general (look at yourself objectively!!) If the answer to all those question are "No," I find that you really are a person who is worthy of others' esteem.

You know what?

People do evolve. You are about 24-years-old, if I'm not mistaken. I've known plenty of people in their early 20s who are, basically, "adolescents in adult clothing." This phenomenon is probably more manifest these days; people often remain dependent on their parents well into their 20's, and beyond. It's not a rare thing at all these days.

This is why it was found to be expedient to allow even people aged 25 to remain on their parents' health insurance.

In many parts of Europe, the 26th birthday is the "end of youth." You lose many privileges of youth----like free passes to museums, reduced rail rates, many other things.

I would say: one never knows. One frequently does mature throughout the course of their 20s. And, hence, you might mature to the point where you won't be, or feel like, much of a "sponge-off" to your parents.

Your brother doesn't have autism. That makes all the difference in the world.

I did many things "late," too. I didn't have a driver's license until I was 37 years old.