Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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Examining feelings and expressing them correctly is a pain. I find it terrible that your parents are blaming you for things that happen. I know what it's like when parents assume things about you that aren't backed up by evidence.

You ever tried writing a letter to them? That way you would have all the time you need to think about what to say.

I suppose that could work. I also have a text-to-speech app on my phone, although I feel super awkward about using it, that I can pre-program things into, so it could be more like a conversation even though I'd have most of what I wanted to say written out already.

Someone gave me the idea of doing that. I haven't tried it yet but maybe it might work for you! I wonder if sending a resume with a letter attached to it could help get you a job? Maybe the letter could have the things you would say in an interview on paper and explain why you sent it. I'm just pitching ideas that sound like a good idea. More comfortable way of communicating!

I'm not sure if it would go over well for a job application or not. I can ask my dad, who sometimes interviews potential new employees where he works, if he thinks it's a good idea. I don't think most employers are actually as understanding as they may claim to be, but I trust my dad to know if it's worth a shot, and also what would be OK or not OK to put in the letter. There's also an "about me" section in my resume that I can add some stuff to.

My communication issues are definitely a huge thing standing in my way right now. I wish I was more comfortable and my parents were more understanding of my using the text-to-speech app on my phone (but they instead try to force me to speak, not understanding that it isn't always possible). I also might be able to handle some sort of customer service job if I could use that app instead of speaking to everyone. I'd still get overloaded, I'm sure, but it might not be as problematic if I still had a way of communicating. Or I might find that I just can't think clearly enough during overload to perform a job like that.

Sadly there is nothing I could tell you that could help with that situation. I'm sorry your parents don't believe you. I'm curious, what do they think happens when you are mute? Do they think you aren't speaking on purpose?

Yes, they accuse me of simply not wanting to speak, or to speak loudly/clearly enough, and are trying to encourage me to do it anyway. The problem is, that isn't the case.

Have you ever heard of "Selective Mutism"?

Yes, but I'm not entirely sure of the definition - I may or may not meet it.

Looking around online, I think that's quite probably what's going on with me.

I was about to put a link up for you to go to but you already read about it so, no point. It does sound similar. Maybe you could ask your psychiatrist about it. (I'm no doctor so I could be totally wrong...)

I'll try to mention it if I get a chance next time (I didn't really get a chance to mention much of anything I hadn't put on the form beforehand last time ). If there's something that can be done to help with it, or if getting a diagnosis of selective mutism would help me get accommodations for jobs, that would be extremely helpful. If nothing else, being officially told I have it might make my parents a bit more understanding.

From what I gather I don't think you are a lost cause, so to speak. You mentioned that you have a bachelors in biology. I don't know whether that is just a general biology degree or a more specialized one (like ecology, microbiology, etc) but I know that jobs in the STEM industries usually aren't advertised to the public. I also believe that the 'job networking' that is common in most job fields doesn't necessarily work in the STEM fields due to the nature of the work that's done there (science as a whole isn't necessarily very good at playing politics). I would ask around first at any place nearby that obviously hires biology grads on a large scale. Large employers in the STEM field, however, are difficult to get into and are more business/management oriented versus science oriented. You can apply at a local hospital groups if you can as sometimes their laboratories may be looking for a biology grad on occasion. The downsides of hospitals is that you are dealing with clinical care as opposed to the STEM industries and clinical care is VERY politicized not to mention all of the licensing and compliance with state laws that hospitals have to deal with. Also, hospitals tend to be very SLOW when it comes to hiring so don't count on them if you are in a pinch. I am aware that many STEM jobs have been lost and there are numerous articles online talking about a glut of STEM grads. To some extent they are true but the STEM fields are far more complex than what the media depicts them as so treat the media with a lot of skepticism here.

I would probably try for a much smaller employer in the STEM fields, to be honest. Scientists and engineers usually don't like politics and workplace games and larger employers usually have more of this to begin with. See if a local food manufacturer might be looking for a staff biologist (they have food compliance they have to follow by law and quite a few biology majors start out as quality control workers in food production). Be careful of meatpacking plants and slaughterhouses though; if you do get hired by one of these guys do NOT work as a production worker of any kind. They will run people into the ground and are notorious for firing people who are injured on the job. Do only laboratory work or QC in meatpacking, i.e. don't work directly on the line. (As a side note, if you are stuck in retail try to stick to merchandising or stockroom jobs if you can. I worked in merchandising in retail and while I did still have to engage with customers on occasion I didn't have to sell to them or wait on them like sales and service did.)

Another option would be to get a backup degree or skills of some kind. It doesn't have to be something in the trades (welding, auto tech, etc) and it doesn't even have to be a full degree or even any formal education at all; just have something else to fall back on if you aren't able to get into biology just yet. It might not be a long term job but at least sort of keeps you afloat. Also, related to the job search, you might want to stick with a functional resume as opposed to the chronological ones that most people use. Chronological resumes are only good for people who stay with jobs for a relatively long time AND work in fields that require networking and politics to get jobs and promotions.

I'm not sure if you have lived on your own yet or not but you will want some sort of background on being a tenant if you can. I would consider renting a storage unit for practice; I'm currently renting one right now for $25/month (I have rented an apartment in the past for reference) and I feel a bit more peace of mind having that available if I need it (I store a bit of stuff in there as well, obviously). It can build a rental history for you as some landlords either require it or references if you don't have previous rental experience. Most storage places to the best of my knowledge don't require references to rent but may require ID as a safety precaution. Follow their rules on what you can and can't do as a tenant; being a good tenant can help you in the future tremendously.

Lastly, and I don't mean to be rude saying this but try to keep your own personal living space clean and uncluttered if you can. I have found that I get stressed out if my work area / room / etc is a mess. It might take a load of stress off you. I can't say that all Aspies think alike but I do believe that they function better in a more organized and cleaner environment, especially one that is set up the way they want. Lastly, don't cut yourself, that is dangerous and unsanitary, I'm being honest here.

My degree is in general biology. I went to K-State, and I was planning on going on to do the vet med program there, but I decided for several reasons (some I could work on and some I can't) that it wasn't the best choice for me. I still wanted to do something with animals, so I kept the biology major. Now, though, I'll take almost anything where they'll hire me and I can perform the job. I didn't know STEM jobs weren't advertised as much - I'd thought maybe there just weren't as many available in my area. I could probably do lab work somewhere, especially if they give me very specific instructions. I'll try to do some deeper investigation to see if I can find any such jobs, whether at a hospital or someplace else. Being a vet tech might be a good idea for me if I didn't have a true, legitimate phobia of parasites (as in, not the normal "Ew, gross," but "Even the mention of them as a possibility sends my brain into instant fight-or-flight mode") - I'd probably be needing to analyze samples for parasites on a regular basis.

I'll try to look for smaller employers like you suggest. No chance of me even considering working at a meat packing plant or slaughterhouse, I can't handle dead animals well at all. I've been keeping an eye out for stocking jobs in stores, since I'm pretty sure I can handle that, but a lot of the ones I've found require people to be able to lift a little more than I can (30 pounds to waist height is about my limit, many want 40 or 50) or will rotate the employees among different positions, so sometimes you'd be working in the back, sometimes you'd be working the customer service desk, sometimes you'd be running registers, etc. The place I used to clean at did that (but I wasn't directly employed by the store, so I wasn't part of the rotation, mercifully).

My mom has suggested to me that I try to learn some computer programming, and I've been considering it, but I don't really know where to begin. That would open up some opportunities for Aspie-friendly jobs, if I could do that. At the community college near where I live (it's actually within walking distance), they offer some classes that they call "continuing education," for people who aren't working toward a degree but want to take a particular class. That would probably be a good way to try some things out and see if I like/do well at them. I'd just have to be able to justify the cost - since I don't have the money to pay for it myself, I'd have to convince my parents to pay for it.

What's the difference between a functional resume and a chronological one?

The closest I've ever gotten to living on my own was living in a dorm at college, so I do have some experience with taking care of myself, but not really any other part of living on my own. Thank you for the suggestion, it wouldn't have occurred to me to rent a storage unit to have some sort of renting history. I'll look into that once I have a source of income - as it stands, I can't pay monthly fees. I'm a very strict rule-follower and thoroughly read all the paperwork I'm given before signing, so I don't think that part will be a problem for me

The problem with trying to keep my living conditions clean and uncluttered is that my parents are poor housekeepers. I can work on my bedroom, at least, though - it could definitely use some tidying. Since I don't have school or a job taking up my time, maybe I can also work on the rest of the house. Tidying up certainly can't hurt anything.

I know cutting/scratching myself is a bad idea, which is why I'm trying to stop. The problem is, I know it's a bad coping mechanism, but it's really all I've had for a while. Also, I've read that it can become an addiction, which I think is the case for me. It's hard, but I am trying to stop doing it.

Thank you for all the advice, I'm sure it will be very helpful.

I have a question - how do I know if I should be hospitalized for my mental health issues? I thought about starting another thread for this, but decided not to. I figured one thread for this kind of thing with me was plenty.

With my tendency to self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and a change of medication possibly contributing to things, I'm kind of wondering if it might be best (and I'm also perseverating on it a bit, I confess).