Why shouldn't I die?

Post Reply New Topic

I tend not to talk a lot to people in real life, and especially not raise questions like this.
With that being said, I really want to put this out there, as I feel that it's easier for me to express myself through writing than actually talking.
I don't really know what to do with my life. Epilepsy, MDD, exams, essays and the ongoing loss of loved ones have been making my life really hard. I dream of being able to publish books about animals and fictional wars, islands, dystopias, etc.. I aspire to be as independent as I can in my later life, to simply live on my own in a small village beside the sea (I'm a bit of a thalassophile, and I love marine animals).
One of my biggest aspirations in life is to become a marine biologist.
But life is just really slow at this point, and I'm caught up in a pretty terrible life for what seems like an eternity. I don't know if there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I simply don't have clue.
But...
Why is life worth it when I know that people I know and love are going to die before me if I keep on going?
I can't really see why life's worth it when one of my best friends had killed himself straight after I had recovered from my first seizure.
I can't really see why it's worth it when even the smallest mistake of mine can lead to a seizure that could potentially cripple me for a very long time.
Why is anything worth it when I keep panicking over the littlest things? I try my hardest to control my pessimism, but it's an incredibly arduous task, and my optimism usually goes away very quickly.

I wish I had a better idea on how to socialise with others, but something stops me from being able to do so. I have no idea what it is. I can only really talk to teachers, my family, and perhaps very close friends.

Almost everything I try very hard to do ends in failure.

Wouldn't it be better to simply end that suffering? I can't really think of another way out.

Therapy works somewhat well, but it's also somewhat hard for me to keep track of what to do in cases like these . I listen as hard as I can, but it's very hard for me to keep track of everything that's going on in my life all at once. I have to juggle everything all at once.

The thing is, I try my very hardest to help people I know who are in a similar predicament to mine. I simply don't want them to follow my path. I feel that they have more worth than I. In fact, I feel that that's the case all the time; that everyone is better than me.

I really hate it when somebody makes suggestions such as:

"Simply be happy"

or saying things like:

"Things will get better."

Well, care to be a little more specific? Sounds a bit vague to me. What if things don't get better?
Also, being happy because someone told me to is easier said than done.

I remember making a vow a few months ago about killing myself by my next birthday, which would be my 17th on December.

I think I'll live up to 20-25 at maximum.
Not sure if I could tolerate life over that.

Last edited by PurplePlumz on 04 Mar 2018, 6:45 pm, edited 3 times in total.

welcome to WP

i totally agree, i know that nine times out of ten the people who say this simply want to help and may in fact be experiencing the same kind of problems with choosing words that we do.

that's what i'd like to think, anyway.

are you in school? think it would help immensely to focus on writing those stories you mentioned on animals and fictional wars and developing those plot lines.

you posted an interesting thread on alternate history earlier, you clearly know a thing or two about the subject and i respect people who care about the past.

Wow, thanks!

Yes, I'm in school. A lot of my time is spent around either sprinting, observing nature or writing and reading. I have about 20 stories I'm writing at the moment. But exams and essays are really getting to me, and I frequently procrastinate. I get very nervous because not every result I have for tests and exams are the same. I remember getting one that was the best out of the class, and another one was amongst the worst. I believe I have dyscalculia, as I cannot comprehend what is going on in my maths class no matter how hard I try to focus, and they all look like scribbles to me. It's hard for me to tell sometimes which numbers are larger than others, or how equations work even when it's explained to me multiple times already. I only learned basic multiplication at around Year 8 or Year 7 (the beginning times for high school in the country I'm currently living in).

My English teacher and peers say I'm very good at English, but it's sometimes a little bit hard for me to follow through with exams or tests or essays when I'm pressured in such a way that people expect me to always be perfect.

With that being said, some music and alone time can calm me down sometimes, as well as animal watching. Otherwise, life just seems very stressful at the moment.

I appreciate that there are people (here and in real life) that are willing to help others.