Nothing can help me

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I've tried various medications, therapy, and different social avenues for the last 12 years but nothing has helped me. I am convinced that my brain can not develop any new pathways thus I can't ever recover from the depression I suffer from. I am trapped in a vicious cycle that won't stop until I am dead. I remember during the last college course I took, David Foster Wallace's 'This is Water' was being presented to the class and he mentioned why people who killed themselves with guns aimed for their heads and that was because they were angry at their own minds. I later found out Wallace killed himself sometime after making that essay. I feel like this will be my fate as well.

Even trying to think your way past this is developing those pathways, if imperceptible, it's still the sole way the brain operates. Thought is iterative but circumstances can be more flexible.

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"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Whatever you do, please don't kill yourself. You have to unlock a certain kind of madness that is within us all. A guttural, primordial reflex to survive no matter what. Tap into that and you will find the strength to try something really helpful. You've tried all the mainstream help available - medication, alcohol, mental health care - so take a walk off the beaten path.

Interesting fact. When the Great Wall of China was built the workers who laboured on the job ate nothing but boiled rice and fermented sauerkraut. Builders today are often burly people who eat a massive breakfast of toast, bacon and eggs and they have lots of machines to help them. Probably the Chinese didn't even have a crane. Have you tried raw fermented sauerkaut? Or kimchi? In China and South Korea where most of the technology we all rely on is assembled the people eat stuff like that and their brains are sharper than many people's in the west, and their economies are beginning to gulf ours. You can mail order it.

I might sound like someone who owns a sauerkraut company, trying to boost my sales, or a friend of someone who does, (the bank transfer is happening as you currently read), but it's a tough one, if I recommend it I sound like a snail oil salesman, if I don't mention it then how would you know if it was helpful? It's a catch 22.

It's only anecdotal evidence but I can tell you if I eat a fork of kimchi before going out I get less anxiety around people and I can think more clearly.

You would seem to be in a negative rut, where any suggestion given meets with a negative response.
This is typical of depression.
I've done the same thing myself, but it's not helpful.
This is reinforcing your negativity, and your subconscious mind is hearing and believing what you're telling it, so it will ensure that your experiences are negative, because you're the boss - you're dictating what your story is, after all.

I wonder if you could try responding positively, even if you're not feeling it at this time.
It will be difficult at first - just try to think of anything, even if it's the tiniest thing.
Try thanking the people who respond to you.
Small steps.

Now is the time for the heavy artillery.

I’m sending the Wolflady after you

She will accede to your every sexual whim.....

By "social avenues" you mean alcohol and weed? If not, I know some people would swear by one or the other, or both, of them. I, myself, am allergic to weed. Alcohol has kept me through some nasty and bitter times, though.

And then there's changing your location as well.

Here's a simple relaxation trick one good person taught me. Get yourself onto a coach. Inhale deeply. Exhale. Continue breathing slowly. Find your tiptoes. You don't need to touch them, just feel their presence. Where are they in the space? You can move them a little. Than your heels, lower legs, knees, hips, and up and up your body, to your head. While you question yourself about your physical sensations in your body, your mind rests.

Yep. Yoga might be good.

It's actually to your credit that you do give a toss to where you are in life, where you're headed, how or if you'll get there, what have you accomplished or not, paths you still have to conquer, generally speaking, your past, present and future.

I've met quite a few people over the years who don't give a hoot about these things as their only objective is to live day to day, kinda like a leaf blowing in the wind, with absolutely no direction whatsoever. Those people are lost; at least you take some deep interest in your well being.

Since you have nothing to lose, are you willing to try what I suggest just to see if it can help you as it helped me?

I tried many things before I figured out what worked for me, and when it worked it worked like magic. What IF it works for you just the same? Wouldn't that be something.

FWIW, besides reading the book "Feeling Good," by Dr. David Burns & doing the written exercises in the back, the very simply suggestion I have is supplementing magnesium & sulphur via epsom salts on your skin daily. I've read that 70% of those on the autism spectrum are sensitive to the salycilate class of food/plant acids & I've learned that the antidote our bodies need to excrete excess acids is magnesium & sulphur - hence the magnesium sulphate crystals. (epsom salts) I had the WORST depression of my entire life that continued to worsen for 5 months all but completely lifted in a matter of 5 days, because it had a biochemical cause. It wasn't just "bad thinking," it was literally negative/suicidal thoughts caused by, essentially, an acid trip. (but not the fun kind) What IF it's that simple? Would be a shame not to give it a try at least, especially since it's very inexpensive and poses zero health risk to soak in a bath, or foot bath, of epsom salts every day for a while.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

I think you would be happier if you moved.

He might not be able to do it financially.

I was posting messages like this when I was 17. I feared it would continue until I died.