GF and I had a screaming match

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Joined: 3 Jul 2005
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05 Aug 2008, 5:46 am

Hey all,

My girlfriend and I had a fight tonight about a page in her magazine that had women's underwear on it, and she asked me which was my favourite. I quickly stated I had no opinion on it, as I don't think about things like that.

She got very angry and asked why I didn't have an opinion on anything (which isn't true but she was probably exaggerating) and she asked how different it was to comparing apples to oranges - I feel there is a difference but I couldn't explain it. Some of the things she said made me laugh a little and she took this as me seeing her as stupid. She got very upset and now refuses to talk to me.

She feels that I always have to be right (I sometimes take time to answer questions, I don't know why but my psych feels I am afraid to be wrong - I now realise it may not be the case, because even though I realise it's OK to be wrong, I still have pauses, which means it could be something else) - what that has to do with this I have no idea, if anybody has an idea I'm open to suggestions.

I may have left something out - I tend to do that when I retell stories - but if anything isn't clear, please let me know.

How could everything go so wrong?

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MrMark
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05 Aug 2008, 6:41 am

I'm sure I don't know, but I tend to think that you did nothing wrong. I tend to think she was lookin' for a fight. I tend to think that she's mad at you, but she may not know why. She may not even realize that she's mad at you. She just knows that somethin' doesn't feel right inside.

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LiendaBalla
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05 Aug 2008, 8:55 am

If she just sounded angry to you, then laughing wasn't the wisest reply. If she really did get mad, obviously she's getting mad over nothing. I wouldn't know how it goes wrong, it just does.

Chaotica
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05 Aug 2008, 9:00 am

May be she just had a hard day at work or a quarrel with her friends? :shrug: I don't know... I sometimes don't know myself why I argue with my boyfriend.

DevonB
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05 Aug 2008, 10:35 am

There are things that I have no opinion on. And that drives other people crazy. I need to:
a) be interested in the issue
b) have information on both pros and cons
c) see the logic in having an opinion.

Sadly, No everyone concurs with me, and they say I should have a feeling about something. OR they want to know what I think. Sometimes I don't think anything about something. It's just a non-topic for me.

Explain this to your gf. She may have just hit a wall and needed to vent, but it isn't fair to take it out on you.

Good luck.

sgrannel
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05 Aug 2008, 10:41 am

Favorite as in which underwear, or which woman? Maybe her intent was to try to find out which underwear you would like to see her in. You might have handled this sensitive question by telling her to buy whatever she likes, because you're more interested in her than what she's wearing.

She may have interpreted your response as disinterest in her, or not appreciating something she's trying to do for you.

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07 Aug 2008, 11:12 am

sgrannel wrote:

I think this is right on the money. Personally, I feel any discussion brought up by a wife/girlfriend about underwear on other women is somewhat of a loaded question. I will admit to asking these kinds of questions in the past to my poor unsuspecting hubby. Basically, your girlfriend was wanting an already preconceived specific answer from you when she asked the question, and when you gave a different answer she got upset. I have made a personal rule for myself to not ever ask any questions to anyone that I'm only expecting a certain answer, and if I get a different answer my feelings will get hurt. My guess is that your girlfriend was wanting to know what kind you liked so she can buy them so that she feels attractive to you. She's wanting conformation from you that you think she's sexy when she wears x, or does y for you.

ccflowergirl
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07 Aug 2008, 12:18 pm

Aaron_Mason wrote:

I think perhaps she sees your neutral statement as not wanting to communicate with her. Seeing the picture of a girl in underwear might have made her feel threatened that your needs were not being met and possibly she was just trying to open the communication up between you. I neutral position can seem “safe” but also mean your not wanting to commit to your real feeling and wants, not be intimate with her, intimacy starts with sharing of your self, being neutral your not doing that, and I think that is where she sees a problem. You might try going back to her and say some think (think about how you want) like I don’t really have a preference on undines but I certainly like you over the girl in the picture. But you might also think about how often you are noncommittal and try to work on sharing with her and becoming intimate if it’s a relationship you want to hold on to and develop. But that’s just what I think.

Aaron_Mason
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07 Aug 2008, 7:32 pm

Ok, I think there's been a misunderstanding here. There weren't any women on the page - just underwear.

I can't bring it back up again as I learned long ago that it isn't wise to do so - it just reignites the fire. Old wounds open up, and yada yada yada.

Anyway, my psych advises me to let my girlfriend and my friends know if there's something I have difficulty with. She knows about AS so she isn't likely to go off on a rant about how I'm just making excuses as some people I've associated with are likely to do.

For what it's worth, it's better now, we just had a moment, as couples where one has AS tend to do.*

*=in fact, many NT-NT couples have battles like that as well.

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