so.... i've decided to give up on life. . . .

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I've been mooting posting this for a while, as it sounds so teenage and melodramtic, but i want to speak to someone, and i dont have any rl people to speak to, so here goes...


I've decided to give up on life. I'm planning to kill myself in the summer (it'll take ages to sort out all my setuff,and i bought some snorkelling kit last summer i have not used).

I have been trying for the past year to get dx, but due to endless complications in the process, and then me calling up someone in the process to say the first shrink making the referral (see posting 'stupid shrink says i dont have asperger's, june 13thish) should be struck off, doesnt know what hes talking baout etc- was told I'd have to start over again since there were questions about his referral (another ooooh- 7? 8? 9? months). He thought autism was a psych disorder etc etc, so Im right, just SO dim for yelling about it!

I cant wait any longer for a dx, and any treatment, any help... its almost a year- only because this DICK doesnt knw anything, did it take this long anyway- not putting through paperwork etc. ive had no help, just hassle in that time. its been too long already.

I cant cope with the emotion of waiting for this person to do somethig, that appointment to happen etc. Its runining me- i cant sleep or eat, I am crying for hours each night,I cant stop thinking baout it.
Noone I have asked- even begged- for help has been able to help. Its like being stuck in one of those phone things- press 2 for this, now press 4 for that- just endless, but i never progress, in fact, ive gone back. Its like 1984 (the book, not the hair and acid washed denim year).

I HATE having this condition- it has wrecked my life. I know lots of people can live with it, but I find it almost impossible, and the past year- spent trying to get help, asking endless people for help, turned me into a nervous wreck... I have a very, very low quality of life, and I have now been on sickness benifit for 9 years. its way too long. I have no future- I wont be able to marry, or have a job, children- I cant even drive because of it, but also HATE public transport (elbows, smells etc). Handy.

Im applying to do an MA, in case, you know- I win the lottery/marry a millionaire- but otherwise, trying to get a dx, and on life past august- I give up. Im just shattered.

i hvae humiliated myself in asking for help, constantly finding hope in different people- nothig has helped, only made me more wretched.... i really hate being alive.
I watched its a wonderful life- and I make NO impression- i walk through life unseen, I make no impression... I just suffer. its - pointless.

Please read this before making your decision.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
I hope things get better.

Well for starters where do you live that the system is so f**ked up that you can't make alternate arrangements with nonpaid professionals for some talk?
Then we'll talk about some other stuff. Compared to me you sound pretty well founded and about yourself so tell us about some of the bad stuff that's holding you back.
You spell very well and word your sentences very well so you're probably pretty smart so that's a good think for starters as well since some of us here aren't so good at that stuff. It does sound like you live in a dump though. Do you live at home or in some other type of dump?

..than do it. Quit stealing the oxygen for those of us that want to live as*hole. See you in hell.

i think you shouldn't give up. there's always good things in the world as well as bad.

what country do you live in? who is supposed to be diagnosing you?

it might be worth contacting the National Autistic Society, especially if you live in England. They could probably put you in touch with a local support group or something. You don't have to have any diagnosis to contact them. Also, are your family any use for supporting you?

If you don't have enough money to do the MA, you might be eligable for a grant or bursary. what is it you want to study?

i know you're going through a s**t time at the moment but you'll find it will get better. when i feel down it feels like that's how it'll always be, but it passes after a while and i feel more positive.

Try and chill a bit and be kind to yourself.

It stinks that I have pc probs and other useless s**t and finally get back online to waste time and first post on here is something like this.

There aint much I can say cause i agree mostly with all you've said. Infact I know if I did something it'd be weeks before I was found cause no one would bother to care or check in, I would have to make sure i did it on a day rent was due, so that it would be sooner rather than later before someone came looking for money and found me. And the thought of that disgusts me. That they would all go "well, guess we had to see it coming, but man it's gonna take forever to clean up and get rid of that smell" and no one would miss me.

Probably not making you feel better. But i kinda thrive in the idea that at least my existence continues to be a nuisance to them and the awkwardness they experience around me maybe kinda gives them a little taste of the awkwardness of the entirety of my existence.

Soo, whatever you do, there is always pleasure to be had in life. And I also cracked up when I read about the scuba thing. Just the concept "I've been meaning to kill myself, but I bought a snorkling kit last summer and want to get some use out of it first" is actually poetically hilarious and makes an interesting concept for a good short story. Write something about that for us!

thank you both.
rock drummer- thanks for the link, but its really not- I'm hvaing a bad day, i feel blue... I hvae been feeling seriously suicidal for 6 months- ive been waiting about to get this dx, which Ive now been taken off the list for, and have to go through the entire process again; IF I'd even be allowed to. I am really worn out. Its not immediate, just pending. IM giving it every chance i have.

gary- thank you. I live in london. The problem with non professionals is that they dont understand autism, dont understand the dx process, and this whole problem is CENTERED around the process for dx. since Im not diagnosed, Im not allowed to see anyone who specialises in autism, and a casual read through the postings here shows that most shrinks have no idea other than myths (its all men, they're all computer nerds etc).

The non professionals i have contatced- eg- charity autism london- were very helpful then dissapeared... I am sick of chasing people up constantly- i have asperger's for God's sake, communication and being on top of things is never my forte...
And thats all Ive done for a year- endless phonecalls.
im just really tired- plus i can never sleep from noise.
Ive tried everything possible-

Simply by posting this, you are asking for help, otherwise why tell us? Why "sort through your stuff", because when you are gone it won't matter. I urge you to consider that your present quality of life is only a temporary condition, if others can enjoy life on the autistic spectrum, so can you. I might be easier to get a diagnosis for depression and get on some meds. I wonder why you think autism has wrecked your life, you don't really explain it. Marriage, a career, children... are not out of the question.

This might be hard but the first step is you have to begin to CARE ABOUT YOU. Don't give up on YOU.

I understand the frustration....people are weird......I called this doctor's office a few times and THEY NEVER CALL ME BACK about making an appointment. I think it is the receptionist being a control freak. For some reason, though she's never met me, she doesn't want me to see the doctor. I think it gives her some sense of power over a suffering person. What else could it be? But every day I try to make do.......my dog is my best medication. He takes my mind off of me and my health problems. Just this fall I realized that I was at the end of the line with psychiatric anti-depressants....because none of them can cure my depression.....but that doctor keeps giving me the same stuff.....and I realized that the drug companies are going down the wrong alley research wise. They could come up with a cure, but the CONTROLLING ELITES don't want regular folks to be happy or joyful. They reserve the 'good life' for themselves. So, what is the solution. LOVING is the only thing I can think of. LOVING. I love my dog. As I said....he's medicine. He is so real and so honest. He is my kid, I have to take care of him, worry about him, and watch over him. Could it be that you need a pet for a faithful friend? Could a loving pet save your life and ease your feelings of despair. You need for your heart to regain a sense of HOPE.....begin with HOPE in yourself. It takes a little tiny seed of 'optimism'....and I know that's hard......but just one seed......see what it can do.....could you plant that seed within your heart.....and don't plan anymore to do anything to harm yourself. Sola

If you really don't care about living, you might consider joining the army. You might die, but then again, you might be a hero. At the very least, you will have a job, food, and housing. You could also get mental health treatment when you get out, since that is common anyway.

Perhaps you don't have asperger's. Maybe you have read some stuff on asperger's and have convinced yourself you have asperger's, even if you really do not. It does sound like you're probably depressed. You may want to see a doctor and ask about some medicine

I think by now Trewissick you have probably figured out that we are all morbidly fasinated by your life as it sounds so amazingly similar to what a lot of us have gone thru in the past or are going thru today so you are very much a part of a larger circle of people who do really care about you. I think that's a pretty good place to be in, even if it is a place of strange people.

I know how you feel. About a year ago I tried to kill myself
because I thought life was pointless. Yes, you always have
the right to decide to live or dead, no one can stop you.

I just try to believe in myself, I don't care about what
therapists said because I know lots of them have no idea
what happened to me. I try to live on my own, try to
search for fun. But the death is still hunting me.
However I refuse to give in, I try to make the most
of my life. Maybe the battle is pointless, I will still try
on and on.

I know someone who made such important decision had
struggled with his/her life and still suffering extreme
pain, so I won't comfort you too much. I want to tell
you that the only one could break death's tricky game
is you. If you kill yourself, it is just "game over" and
nothing.

Buy the way, every time the sucidal thought comes
to me I try to distract myself, it does work.