I made up with him, am waiting to see if he'll take me back.

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http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2115276.html#2115276

Don't bother to read the big quote, just read the small one underneath it, and the stuff underneath that.


As you can see in the Rants and Raves threads and in three other threads I started in The Haven, I was having trouble with "Stan", an Aspie and member of WP and also my boyfriend and baby daddy, and then he apologized for some things but then he refused to acknowledge other things that were wrong with him, and I sent him things that hurt him a lot even though I wasn't even trying to hurt him; I was trying to help him and me too. I feel so bad that I hurt my dear, sweet Stan. I miss him so much. I want to be with him again. But what if he turns me down because of how I treated him, when I wasn't meaning to treat him bad at all but was trying to be nice to him? Is the only way I can be nice to him telling him he's right all the time? I can do that if I have to, because right is relative a lot of the time. But I like being told I'm right too and he never does that for me, except when he told me he agreed with my scientific theory and found it wonderful and true and fact.


If Stan doesn't take me back I won't go back to Allen (except as a very good friend); Allen doesn't understand my scientific theory like I want him to and the only more-than-friends person I want is someone who will understand my theory 100% and follow my medical advance directive if I need them to.


Another thing about Stan, though, is that he's the genius, the dominant one, the breadwinner. And it's my fault he thinks he's superior; he probably thought I wanted him to be the genius/dominant one/breadwinner, because I let him support me (an illegal immigrant) for 12 months. I went down there with him knowing that he would have to support me 100%, and so he probably thought I was okay with him being the caretaker, the responsible one, the smart one. But I don't want that. It bothers me. And him seeing himself as the dominant learned responsible smart one and the caretaker carried on into other aspects of our life besides financial stuff. He read a lot more than me and knew a lot more than me, and that's probably why he blamed himself for the incident described below.


Once when I was pregnant I accidentally bumped into some fluorescent light bulbs and knocked them over, smashing them. He blamed himself for making me clean them up because it was only after that he went on the internet and read that they may contain mercury and that me and our baby might be affected. He blamed himself for not having heard of mercury in fluorescent lights, but he didn't blame me for not knowing about the mercury in the lights or nt knowing to watch where I was going and smashing the lights. That made me feel like he didn't think or feel that I was mentally competent to take responsibility. I would have preferred it if he'd blamed both of us (or said that it was nobody's fault), because then he would have been treating me as an equal. I don't want him to be the genius who takes care of everything and is responsible for everything and I don't want to be the stupid little girl that he doesn't expect any intelligence or competence or responsibility from; I want us to be equals.


One thing I want if we get back together is for us to be equals. Or else, maybe we don't belong together after all.


I hope he sees that he wasn't treating me as an equal when he blamed himself for the smashed-light incident, instead of just telling me "It's nice not to be blamed for something; I was being good to you and you don't appreciate me."


It will be a shame if we break up; I've never met (or even seen in a picture or on TV) a guy who is as good-looking as Stan.

goodbye

First MADDuck says "Merde!" and then as if that isn't enough he edits his post to simply read "goodbye".


Anyway, what must have added fuel to the fire when it comes to Stan being dominant in our relationship is me not being sexually aggressive (too lazy) and me not taking the initiative to do housework (because either I forgot to do it or I felt too bad to do it being pregnant and depressed and on meds with side effects).

Well.
I'll give you an explanation then!

The line Merde! is French, and it's the opening line to my FAVORITE French play, Ubu Roi (King Roi)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubu_Roi

It's an absurdest play. I've often felt a certain parallel with King Roi. He relates to my most base side in ways that I am uncomfortable with.

So, after reviewing it, I decided a more respectful Goodbye was appropriate.


also, here's a funny song:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRhPeJ3uzOc[/youtube]

The incident you mention, i dont think its worth messing
up something over. Sounds like an accident, i`ve smashed
alot of lights and lightbulbs just by being me, dont be
hard on yourself for doing that, these things happen.
I understand him very well, i would feel like an idiot
if i did the same thing unaware that those things
are hazardous to handle. So i think you should let
it go, both of you, and try to move on. You have
learned that accidents happen, it doesn`t have
to be anyones fault, and he have learned that
when a lady breaks something in an accident,
he runs to get the broom and start sweeping
its the genteman thing to do.

The issue is not "Who's to blame for the broken lights?" The issue is that he didn't treat me like an equal. That's what bothers me. He didn't blame me for not knowing about the mercury, but he blamed himself for not knowing about it. If he'd blamed neither of us or both of us then we would have been equals. Edit: My latest post in the Rants thread explains hw he's probably hesitant to take me back.

Read my last post in the Rants thread and also my last big huge post that is on the second-to-last page of the Rants thread; I told him everytrhing I said in that whole post; then read this:

He just sent me a one-liner: "You told me at least once that you are capable of empathy. Prove it."

I sent him this:

How old is Stan?

I should be nice to him no matter what. I made a mistake by not being nice to him no matter what, because it seemed to me that he thought he was right and I was wrong about some things even though nobody was right or wrong about them. It also seemed to me that he had said that if I upset him (like when I painted the walls) it's my fault and not his, but that if he upsets me (like when he treated me like I was not his equal) it's also my fault for being upset about things like that, not his fault. But I won't make any assumptions, and I'll be nice to him. (Even though while he says that I should be perfectly nice to him and make no assumptions, he doesn't do that for me. But he'll PROBABLY say that that's because I didn't do it for him. But maybe he's trying to be perfectly nice to me and not make assumptions... so I won't make the assumption that he isn't because I don't want to make assumptions about him or not be nice to him.)

I don't think he meant that it's my fault both ways, because he didn't say "It's your fault if you upset me and it's not my fault you upset me". He actually meant that he chose not to get upset when I painted the bathrooms and that I should have chosen not to get upset when he treated me like I was less aware than I was once when I was sick. But I wasn't upset at first; I just wanted assurance that it wouldn't happen again, but he didn't give it to me and said that I was upset at him when I wasn't and asked me why I was doing that to him (asking him for reassurance that he would never do that to me again) and said it wasn't fair because he just let me get away with stuff I did to him (even though he had told me not to paint the bathrooms again, so didn't I have the right to tell him not to do what he had done again?), and THEN I became upset.


And I'll show him this thread.

I apologize in advance for not fully understanding what's going on; I skimmed through some of your other recent threads in The Haven, so I won't even pretend to understand everything.

It sounds like you're beating yourself up a bit much about this. About the issue about the broken light bulbs, without knowing Stan better my first thought was that he cares enough about you to think about protecting you instead of blaming you for breaking the bulbs. The thought that he should blame you instead if he really saw you as an equal might be a bit... misguided? My personal experience with Aspies in relationships tells me that as Aspies we're fiercely independent, but a lot of us like it when people depend on us because we feel needed. We feel useful. We're the loners who might not really want to be alone... at least all the time. Stan probably cares about you a lot and wants to do stuff for you, but not because he thinks you're necessarily weaker, rather as a reward for your being who you are. There are bound to be things that he is better at than you are, but keep in mind that surely there are things that you can do better than he can, despite the 11-year age gap. You might think you are beneath him in skill level or experience, but it isn't that way in absolutely everything, and even in those things that are that way now, it may not necessarily be like that in the future.

I think it's really quite commendable that you'd like to take equal responsibility in this relationship, even though Stan is 11 years older than you. It looks like you are eager to step up to the plate, so to speak, and bat for yourself, and that's great! For the long-term health of the relationship, this is a good mindset. That being said, being an illegal immigrant makes things more difficult for you with respect to your ability to bat for yourself. Judgments about the legality of illegal immigration aside, it's probably in your best interest to find a solution to the illegal immigration situation sooner rather than later, otherwise you will be more dependent on Stan than you could be otherwise, no matter how much you want to be an equal in the relationship.

I don't know if it's necessarily healthy to think that you "should be nice to him no matter what." While it's probably best to try to be civil and reason things out as much as possible, there will be times when that's going to break down and one or both of you will become frustrated. That's natural and it's going to happen. It's those times that it's ok to take a break and spend some time away from each other; the time away helps both of you to put things in perspective and re-evaluate the solution from a more objective viewpoint. The time away also allows both of you to grow up a bit, without the other person unintentionally "imprisoning" the other mentally. I can't emphasize that last bit enough, especially in your situation with the age gap. You'll know if the relationship is going to last if you have those difficult moments and time away, but after time has passed you both have forgiven each other and learned more about each other and about yourselves... and later on perhaps even laugh about these small things in the end. If you have trouble overcoming these things, it might be a sign that for whatever reason (and not assigning blame) the relationship is not on solid footing, and the whole thing may need serious evaluation.

Thanks for the long reply, Stinkypuppy... but I don't get how blaming himself for the light incident and not blaming me is rewarding me for being who I am. Doing things for me I understand, but blaming himself I don't. And I didn't say he should blame me instead; I said that if he blamed anyone it should be both of us.


I really do need to be nice to him all the time, because it's nobody's fault when someone upsets another person and he therefore deserves to have everyone be nice to him all the time.


I'm an Aspie too, so maybe he and I are too much alike. Maybe Aspies need NTs after all. About feeling useful: I need to feel useful too. And if he's the dominant because I'm letting him be so that he can feel useful, I feel useless.


Before all this stuff happened between us, I was going to have him come up to Canada (I came back up to Canada where I'm a citizen and got disability) and both of us could live off my disability check while he went through the process of getting legalized. But now I don't know if he wants me back.

i would.....

But you don't see my scientific theory as fact wherever there's light.


Anyway, I think I understand now about the him blaming himself for the light incident thing. He probably decided that I had been expecting and counting on him to have read up on stuff like that for me so that I wouldn't have to, and it HAD occurred to me that the contents of the light bulbs might be dangerous but I had trusted him to have read up on stuff like that so that I wouldn't have to, and he felt bad that he had failed to protect me (since he was protecting me so that I wouldn't have to go to bother to protect myself).

But I'm not going to trust him blindly like that again; I'm going to be his equal next time. Even though in this case I was still being his equal while trusting him blindly because I expected him to do have done all the research for me not because I couldn't do it but so that I wouldn't have to bother to do it myself. That was a stupid way for me to think, to depend on him like that, and I won't be doing it again.

Give me time, I'll come around.

Don't you think I'm worth it?

What makes someone worth having, for me, is them knowing my theory. That's what makes people worth it in the first place. I don't care about other factors.