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Sex but uncomfortably rolling into work and what I'm supposed to be doing right now

The janitor is banging around the bathroom. While I sit on the toilet

At least two previous times in the same bathroom, he banged the door so hard it opened. Three times

Slamming the door

Then one time after the door opened I just left the door open

And he stopped slamming it

___________________________________

Again, I hate doing laundry.

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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

really hate my temperament because i feel so emotionally fragile.

and this is natural or second nature.

nature and my past haunt me constantly and daily.

support groups, reading books, prozac, ativan, meditation. counseling.

counseling could only do so much though.

the counselor can't travel back in time and fix things. physically impossible. no time machine.

the counselor legally can't assign 2000 hours of community service at the Gay Center to the homophobes from San Diego.

the counselor's job requires she follow certain policy. so she can't do certain things.

the counselor can't follow me around 24/7. the counselor is just one person and she can't follow around all the clients that want or need a shadow.

talking only goes so far

"actions speak louder than words"

"loose lips sink ships"

some things, there are no words to describe.

some things, i specifically do not know how to phrase.

if i phrase it, the recipient does not necessarily understand. the recipient might be unreceptive or not believe me.

the speaker only means one definition. all other interpretations are misinterpretations.

when the speaker does not understand, care, and/or believe me, the speaker might respond in unfavorable methods, much worse than i could ever have imagined. and i do not have the emotional agility or social sophistication to answer their response. there might not be a correct answer to their response. if there were a correct answer to the response, they still might not take (accept/tolerate) the answer.

and if the recipient cared, believed me, and understood, then what?

the recipient has only so much authority and power.

for example, if the homophobe that had the nerve to callously tell me off when i came out as trans (gender identity disorder), 2006, San Diego. if that homophobe were to have accepted it, then what? he did not have the power to provide Gender Therapy for Harry Benjamin Standards. he could not have prescribed hormone replacement therapy. he did not have the authority to write lgbt laws. . the most he could have done, in my favor, was what i asked him to do - call me by my "boy's name" and "he". instead of my previous name and "she". and if he were to have used the correct name and pronoun, then what?

whooptie do.

but the unfavorable things he could've done. there is no limit. he could've hired someone to rape me. to his credit he did not. all he did was holler at me on the phone.

"you don't care about anyone except yourself!".

he had the nerve to tell me that my wrongful gender identity was "all in your head". (autism is "all in your head" too).

he told me that i did not identify as trans when i was young. and if i did i would've told him when i was 19 instead of 22. why should i have told him earlier, so he could reject me earlier? 22 is still younger than caitlyn Jenner was when she came out as trans.

thinking about it

obsessing over it

even though that was over 10 years ago

500 miles away

over the phone

for one hour

and since then i have gone crying to professional and volunteer counselors. and they analyzed what he had the nerve to tell me.

sympathy. advice

and et cetera

but nothing anyone could say, correct or wrong, could undue the damage he had the nerve to cause me.

the damage was immediate, permanent, and profound.

and now i feel afraid of trusting anyone.

b/c, before he told me off, he looked like one of the most trustworthy precious lil "people" i had ever interacted with thus far.

obsession

preoccupation

rumination

Stuff.

Shame

Almost everyone that I have ever interacted with acts like he or she is so absolutely important and morally innocent. Including counselors. Especially counselors.

They have the attitude that they have never done anything wrong or bad before.

Even old and academically smart precious lil "people" have that attitude



Thus I get paranoid about when I interact with someone. Sooner or later I will say or do something they do not like.

And they might respond in an unlimited number of ways. Many of those responses have no good or correct answer.

By the time they give an unfavorable response, I have already gotten emotionally attached to them

No one is perfect

Everything has implicit biases

A lot of precious lil "people" told me someone was "a good person" but that is too vague

Dichotomous thinking

Too simple-minded and easy

Judgemental

No one is completely good or bad

Everyone has implicit biases



Even cultural biases

Lunch. I'm way past Elevensies.

Right now my "life" is "As Good As it Gets"

So I want to stall and do fewer things

And delay and minimize messing it up

______________________________

Nothing to do all day long

No job


Nobody will hire me

And that is not because I am academically stupid, vocationally incompetent, socially awkward, and emotionally fragile.

Because plenty of precious lil "people" with jobs are also stupid, incompetent, fragile and awkward.

_________________________________

Plenty of counselors that I have had are not any more useful than me and they earn much more than minimum wage

The previous counselor did not even know what a CPA, dojo, sole proprietor, or percentage body fat was .

All she knew how to do was flap her stupid trap

After too much stress today I found myself in a list mood. Every now and then I get the urge to record and organise a whole tonne of things that interest me into lists, such as what books I have that still need reading, or what rock specimens I'd (in a perfect world) want to add to my collection. Lists generate a calming effect.

I feel better today, for no particular reason.

HOLY GITTERCURES AND SUGARFORCES, THEY JUST DUBBED DOKIDOKI!! !! !! !! !!
If we keep rolling like this, we'll be getting HappinessCharge in english. Like, wow! This is epic! ◡

^Oh, I'm glad to see you back!

wish that i had enlisted in the Air Force directly after high school. active duty.

that way, i could've gotten applicable job skills and training.

not just homophobic materialistic superficial Republican uc san diego.

that way in the Air Force I could've belonged to something and had some sort of purpose.

instead, as usual, i was totally a coward, in that i did what society says everyone should do: go to college.

the military contains a wide variety of jobs in a lot of fields. and it offers job training too.

Making an effort to have some fun

There's a party tonight at my relative's house and I'm going to make fun of every guests who attends by screwing up with the karaoke's system.

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