What's on your mind right now?

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^No, living is never selfish.

Your worth isn't based on what you contribute. You have inherent worth as a human being, therefore you deserve to live. Besides, I'm sure other people value you and are glad you're alive.

I'm sure you're important to your parents, even if they're not good at showing it. Don't beat yourself up for not being fully independent. We Aspies progress at different speeds from NTs, and that's okay.

Don't listen to your dad. You're trying your best, and you are good enough.

It'll help a lot if I can manage to get a job I can support myself on. Then the only one I'd have to feel like a burden to would be me, and I won't have to listen to how I'm lazy, not trying hard enough, and/or don't care when I actually do care and am trying my hardest. The problem is I keep applying to places and hearing nothing back

Encouraging thoughts about never giving up

Wanting to get started on my final essay that is due in two weeks.

The due date was not my professor's idea, it was the department's.

I made sure that I set the alarm tonight.

Tonight was the HOA meeting. I had sent an email to all the Board members saying I would not be attending and I had to add something because one was already attacking me and accusing me of erasing Board recordings - we had actually gotten a recorder so that it would be easier for the Secretary (Me) to write the minutes. However, I quit using the recorder because it was too time consuming. For the meetings I didn't use it, I'm getting blamed that I erased it. Why would I even do that? And there is no Bylaws or Ammendments saying it's mandatory to record the meetings. So, I sent that email saying I wouldn't be there. Then one of "them"emailed a long letter to all of the homeowners talking down about me again and I decided to answer the email with the full truth. Boy, did I say the truth - then I sent it out to all the homeowners.

Anyway, Mary ended up going to the meeting with her husband and "they" were all there and really pissed off that I wasn't there for them to yell at. They were really mad that I sent that email out to 90 homeowners making them and the management company look really bad.

And then a miracle happened. The Board had this company inspect all the decks to see which were the worst. One of the big reasons they wanted me off the Board was because I wanted an assessment to fix the decks - they are going on 40 yrs old and decks don't last much longer. They didn't want to listen to me and had even told the people to sign the petition to get me removed otherwise there would be an assessment - untrue because you would need 3 votes and not just mine to pass an assessment. The assessment wasn't even mentioned on the petitions, meaning they lied to get the signatures. So back to the miracle - the guy who had inspected the decks said that MARY AND MY DECKS WERE THE WORST IN THE WHOLE COMPLEX AND UN REPAIRABLE - meaning ME AND MARY ARE GETTING NEW DECKS! And that is why I was sure to set my alarm. Mary said "they" were so angry it was comical. However, I'm not laughing a lot because they were looking at Mary like they wanted to kill her. And one had already said they were going to do that. So, I don't know what to think - everything has gone the wrong way for "them". I don't think they are just going to take it and do nothing.

One other interesting tidbit, I have mentioned before that if they didn't take care of my deck then I would sue them. I already have a lawyer, so they know I'm not bluffing. Their worst nightmare is coming true - they have to fix my deck or they know they will get sued, the fact that I was right and that I'm going to get a whole new deck without fighting for an assessment. What is the probability that that could ever happen?! You can't write this stuff. And that's why I call it a miracle - A Christmas Miracle.

I really wish I could get rid of this urge to see myself bleed. I know it's not a good thing to be doing, so why do I want to do it so badly?

The wait for confirmation of my referral to the diagnostic unit at the Maudsley.

I hate when I get to school and find out my best friend is home sick

Oh well, at least I can study for my Child Psychology test that I have today.