WP Addicts Anonymous

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At my bro's graduation. I'm thirsty...

^Oh that's awful. Being really thirsty, and no access to anything to drink!

Hello, everyone.


Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself. --Rumi.

^^ It's not called a tumor, but it does resembles it. It says it can be caused by a plant disease or a virus.

I've had trouble loving myself. It's been like this for years, and reached its peak in the dark years, when part of me felt like I didn't deserve it, like I wasn't good enough for my inflated ego. I have no trouble loving everyone else, yet perhaps because of that, I either give too much love or barely any. That is what I have been doing for more than a year in particular, when she started loving me. Then, of course, my mum taught me to stick with things even when it's hard, but my way of doing things contradicts that, and always has: I try various things until I find things that I love or enjoy very much, and then stick when that. So...I'm really not sure what to do, as if I'm being pulled in two directions at once. I don't want to desert the one who loves me, but nor do I want to keep trying to love her romantically if we aren't the best fit. Nor do I ever want to cause her harm or hurt her, indirectly or not. My mind is making mountains out of molehills again.

^I don't know Kura. Maybe it's just a decision you have to make Sometimes it's impossible to know what is the right decision before hand. Maybe you regret the decision you make, maybe not. That's life. It's impossible to always do the right thing you know.

^I try my best to do positive things always. I have no regrets, because I try to live in the moment as much as possible.

I'm not? Oh.
I didn't think of that...I did tell her the truth in a very heartfelt message, but she might have misinterpreted it...as me being upset for her frequent breaks in communication.

Every time I go to the doctor:

He: Do you have any pain?
Me: No.
He: Have some painkillers.

WTF.

Also, further to the "people not understanding addiction" theme, people think I'm weak-willed or have no willpower.
If they knew how many times I wanted to [indulge in my addictions] but didn't.
How I keep trying to extend the time while the compulsion is screaming in my mind.
Imagine if someone wants you to do something you don't want to do and they scream at you for days ordering you to do it, wouldn't you crack and do the thing just to shut them up?
That's what addiction is like.

^^If she loves you, and you don't love her in the same way and decide to let go, she will probably get hurt.
Sometimes it's impossible to not hurt people.

^^I don't know if addiction is experienced the same by everyone. Some years back I couldn't understand why anyone would be so stupid to drink a lot of alcohol, when we all know it leads to alcoholism at some point. Then I got in touch with the deep shame in me, and now I totally understand it. I understand why people do drugs, become prostitutes or criminals.

Why I drink sometimes is because the feelings inside me just feels unbearable. It's a combination of meaninglessness, anxiety, loneliness, emotional pain, restlessness, shame. It comes to a point where I just don't give a s**t anymore.

Well, that is my experience of addiction.
It's emotional pain and anxiety for me, coupled with being wound up tighter than a spring.
I need to drink to feel human.

I did a hypnosis meditation yesterday and had a very odd, floating experience.
I've had a number of odd experiences during meditation.
They freaked me out so much I didn't meditate for years.
But I was reading that these can be normal experiences, so I thought I would give it a try again.