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Childhood Autism.

I just completed diagnosis a few weeks ago. They told me I was on the spectrum straight away but they had to work out some algorithm to do with the DISCO system to work out my exact diagnostic term based on ICD10 criteria.

I expected Aspergers as I had very advanced speech development but apparently through my hours of interrogation and my mums information suggested childhood or classic autism instead. It is really weird being diagnosed with childhood autism when I'm nearing 40!! !

I guess on the whole it's only a label but I'm a bit confused by, why the difference?

It has made me look at life and my past in a whole new way and while I found diagnosis a really hard and exhausting process, it helped me look at things a bit differently. I really didn't expect that of the process at all. I managed to reassess things about me that perhaps weren't working to well or situations I didn't quite understand. It made me look at others instead of constantly blaming myself.

I am so glad i never need to go through that again.

So i guess I just need to consider, what now? Where from here?

I am grieving somewhat for my future. I had a vision of my future that I expected would be, after recovery from mental illness. Turns out I wasn't as mentally ill as i thought and that means that recovery has happened and the most disabling elements of my past still exist.

It's a sobering thought knowing they will never go away.

I knew I had some form of autism but having it confirmed was still a bit of a shock.

So, yeah. It's official now.

And now back to normal mundane life.

(((hugs)))

Even though I have been thinking about my own history and social issues for about a year (son and husband were diagnosed with AS almost 2 years ago), and I have brought it up with my therapist and finally started pushing for a diagnosis, it was really hard when she finally said "yeah - I agree, I really do think you have AS too." I don't know what I expected. It doesn't really change anything. I am still the same person I was 2 weeks ago. But, I guess it does change my perspective. Now, I am starting to realize that in our household, we have 2 AS parents trying to raise an AS boy and an NT boy. I am actually not sure which will be harder. Except, I do acknowledge now that we need to have some outside help on things like teaching social skills to BOTH of them, since they don't get full social skills from either parent.

It does make me think a bit differently now about myself and my family. I agree, I have no idea why just making it more "formal" (although for mine, I still need it really formalized by my psychiatrist to be official) has made such a difference. I did feel almost like I was grieving, especially the first few days. I guess some of it was having confirmation that there was something else that took me one more step away from "normal".

I am trying to keep in mind that maybe now I can be a bit kinder to myself in things where I am weak and learn to ask for help (today I had an IEP meeting for my son - I asked the therapist that works with both me and my son to go with me and kick me if I started letting them intimidate me since she knows how strongly I WANT to fight for my son). I understood more about why the meeting was making me nervous (people in authority, strangers, a group, major issues, etc), and I was more conscious about how to deal with it (having people I know and who support me there, wearing clothes that are physically comfortable but make me feel good about myself, making sure I had my notes, being prepared, etc.). I actually did SO much better at the meeting today than I did at one a year ago. Last year, I let them tell me that my son didn't need services because he was functioning adequately in school. I knew he really wasn't doing as well as they seemed to think, but I didn't fight. I got intimidated and went quiet and didn't rock the boat. This year, things are a lot worse for my son, and they had to admit there was reason for him to get services, but I still stood my ground and was an active participant and I feel like we reached a good place for this point in the process. Maybe I didn't get everything I could possibly have wanted, but I got a great start.

So...what I am trying to say is: Use this information, but don't let it use you.

Yup, it's a bit of a shock,, isn't it ... even though you're expecting it.

Very contradictory.

For me it's been a rollercoaster since diagnosis ... at first it was a relief and then I found it all rather overwhelming as I tried to figure out what the heck to do with this new information about myself ... which is huge ... and yet doesn't change anything about me!! How does that work? What do you do with that?

I did a few really stupid, dangerous things while I figured it out, but I know that what I need to do now, in order to move forward, is drop the act. Drop the act that I've used for 38 years to function in this world and figure out who/what I really am.

So from now on, it's me. The natural me. Being natural. It's scary but exciting.

Good luck!