Rocky marriage, strange aspect to

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My 10 year marriage is very on again off again, always has been. My husband is NT but kind of unstable and every few months he
blows up over nothing. He's probably borderline, because he definitely "splits me black". Then he makes out that I am evil. I really hate it, and can't reason with him because, obviously, evil people will say anything.

When he blows up, I get very hurt. Then I stop talking to him and usually start sleeping in another room because the stress
of the snoring, temper, smoking and insisting on having the window closed all night are much harder to tolerate with someone you
aren't getting on with. Plus he doesn't want me there.

The point of my post is this: after about 48 hours of spending time by myself (he is my main company due to the AS) I start to
feel really happy and content. Without needing to consider him - I cook what I want, when I want it, etc - life is just so easy
and nice. Then he has to work really hard to win me back because I don't have any motivation to spend time with him. I no longer feel anger or pain, just this contented detachment.

What do you make of this? I am unlikely to leave him as I don't believe in that, although I can see its very possible that he
could leave me/find someone else/need to be institutionalised. Apart from all that, what at-home response could I make to this
odd experience?

Do you think it's just a temporary thing and that later I would become lonely and miss him? Or miss having a breadwinner and fixer around? Because I sure don't at the moment. I am just so happy, quietly euphoric even.

My resources: a bedroom/office of my own, and a sittingroom of my own, with books, a small tv and dvd player. A car, a large garden and several pets. A nearby church, and a low-key volunteer position two hours a week.

Is this an AS thing? A borderline thing? Or just a thing?

When a spouse disappears for long periods (48 hrs or more for example) and yells a lot, (blowups) these are classic symptoms of cheating. Or maybe he's just a douchebag. Or maybe both, like Charlie Sheen.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/25/charlie-sheen-rant-audio_n_828186.html
http://www.nndb.com/people/904/000022838/

Has he found someone else? What do you think he would he do if you asked him?

Does he make donations to charity? Cheaters will donate time or money to impress outsiders, rather than otherwise contribute what they donated to their existing home and marriage. Martin Luther King is one such lionized historical example, who in truth cheated on his wife and was kind of a slug.

http://www.nndb.com/people/085/000028998/

Last edited by sgrannel on 26 Feb 2011, 1:40 am, edited 4 times in total.

No, if he found someone else he would be all happy and preoccupied, he wouldn't feel the need to panic and blow up at me for not reading his mind. He is very intensely involved with me, that is the problem. And he doesn't disappear for long periods, quite the reverse, he never goes out.

Become lonely and miss him? Why would you? This guy is abusive. I'm not trying to offend, I know he's your husband and I know.. people with AS sometimes have strict mindsets. I am the same way with my view of marriage, divorce isn't an option.. but I mean, i'd give yourself a free pass on this one and not even consider it a real marriage anymore.

A husband is supposed to love care for and nurture his wife.. and vice versa. You're happier without him, you say as much yourself.

If you can't talk to him, even outside of the "direct" issues and not even with what you're discontent with (obviously you are discontent because you are happier alone) i'd seriously consider giving him an ultimatum to seek therapy and leave if he doesn't.. unless he's violent then just go. This is your life and you owe it to no one to let them drag you down and make you miserable.

sounds kind of like my man and he's bipolar...

I agree that this sounds very bipolar.

My sister is bipolar.
My mother was very likely bipolar.
I'll bet you any amount of money my ex-husband is bipolar.

When you're involved with someone who is unmedicated bipolar, you almost wish they would go out and cheat, just so they leave you alone for a bit.

Honestly, having been in that kind of situation, I'd leave it. You think life is better when he's away from you. That's a pretty great reason to divorce. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to. If there's some moral obligation to it or a financial barrier, then separate. But you've got to get this element out of your life. Imagine sharing your life with someone who provides you the space and support you desire, who'll keep a bedroom window open for you, who'll let you fall asleep first so his snoring doesn't keep you awake, and who understands how to approach a discussion with you about an important matter. Can you imagine it? I hope you can because that's the kind of marriage you deserve.

OMG, isn't THAT the truth. I've suggested it for years but he just won't do it. He'd much rather rant at me daily about how much I've ruined his life.

If you have a way to bow out, don't be afraid. The peace of mind your feel when he's gone is worth any amount of fixer-uping or breadwinning he can do.