Interview for Female Aspies

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Hey, my name is Shayna Gier and I'm a newly published author. I'm also a newly diagnosed aspie, and it's because of these two facts that I'm writing this.

I found out about asperger's and pursued a diagnosis after reading Jodi Picoult's House Rules. Shortly after reading this book I looked for other books about Asperger's Syndrome and found out there were a few memoirs of women with Asperger's, but not really much out there at all as far as fiction goes. In fact, that literature on asperger's as far as fiction goes extends to child-teenaged boys. I would like to remedy that and I have an idea for a story involving a late 20's/early 30's woman who finds out she's an aspie throughout the book.

What I want to make sure is that said woman isn't me. I don't want this to be an autobiography, or a memoir, I want it to be fiction. For this reason, I would like some data as to what different female aspies (and suspected aspies) think/feel/face. The theme of the book isn't asperger's, but I want it woven in so that it's just there.

So... if you would please fill out the questionnaire below and private message it to me, or email it to me, or if you want to you can respond below and fill it out, though it's meant to be anonymous so if you choose to comment please note that I'll just take the information and paste it in my research notes, leaving you out of the equation. Though I may ask for clarifiers or whatnot here or in my email or whatever should I need/want them. Feel free to include any other info you think pertainent, but for now I'm thinking this information will help me greatly:

Screening Questions (these are just used so I can group demographics together and hopefully flesh out my charater)
1- How old are you now?
2- How old were you when you heard of asperger's/were diagnosed?

About the diagnosis:
How did you hear of Asperger's/get your diagnosis?


Life Before Asperger's:

1- Describe to me how you viewed yourself pre-diagnosis.

2- What did you struggle with most?

Life After Asperger's Diagnosis/Suspected diagnosis

1- Did you functioning level change after diagnosis?

2- How do you view yourself now/right after diagnosis?

3- What do you struggle with now?

4- Is there anything that you think specifically applies to us female aspies that may be left out of male-aspie-oriented literature?

5- How important is gender to you? Do you relate more to males or female NT's? other aspies? Other people with other types of disabilities/issues

6- How do you view asperger's and how it relates to your life?

6a- do you see Asperger's as a disability- or as the next step in human evolution? (or somewhere inbetween)

6b- Do you see Asperger's as defining your life or just a part of it?

6c-Are there parts of being an Aspie you love?

6d- You said you are good at organizing and making stuff- do your "aspie-bilities" make up for your weaknesses in your oppinion?

7- What's your "aspie-talent" if you have one? If you don't- does it bother you that most people assume all aspies have such "super-talent?"

8- What do you think about children and parenting? Would you want children if you didn't know about Asperger's/weren't diagnosed? Do you want them now?


8a- does your diagnosis play into how you feel about having children?

8b- do you feel capable of being a mother to someone- now or in the future?

8c- Are you afraid of having kids? Either the responsibility of another life to look after or that you "can't" do it for sensitivity/practical/sensory reasons?

8d- what do you think might be the biggest challenge a woman might face as an aspie in reguards to parenting that wouldn't effect nt-mothers the same way?

9- Do you have good aspie friends? non-aspie friends? If not when was the last time you had a good friend and does it bother you that you don't have one?

10- Are you "girly"? Do you wear make-up? Bother with getting "gussied up"? Do you do it for you or for others? Are there parts of personal hygene that make no sense to you/you struggle with?


11. Do you make up your own words? Can you give me a feew examples of these if so and how you came up with them?


I think that's all for now. Please reply if you can and ask any female aspies you know to fill it out for me too. Thank you so much for your help! I greatly appreciate it.

Last edited by shaybugz on 20 Sep 2011, 3:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

First of all, I would just like to say good luck to you in writing this book. It really bothers me that the best known books about autism are written by well meaning neurotypicals; the internal monologue never feels right and there are aspects that always seem to be missed out, like how autistic people relate to each other, and female autism.

Have posted my responses here for convenience, I'm not really bothered about the world reading them.


Screening Questions (these are just used so I can group demographics together and hopefully flesh out my charater)
1- How old are you now? 25
2- How old were you when you heard of asperger's/were diagnosed? 21

About the diagnosis:
How did you hear of Asperger's/get your diagnosis?

I was having a bit of a life crisis age 20 and my mother suggested it might be part of the problem. I went to my GP and was diagnosed through the NHS in the UK.


Life Before Asperger's:

1- Describe to me how you viewed yourself pre-diagnosis.

Inept, overly emotional, anxious, unemployable. My life was very chaotic and I didn't seem to be able to do anything about it.

2- What did you struggle with most?

Work. I left college before completing my A levels due to bullying, and worked in sales thereafter. Considering my difficulties, I was actually doing pretty bloody well, but at the time I felt like a useless flap of skin. I had anxiety attacks at work, which I blamed myself for.

In retrospect, I also didn't have any real friends - I used to go to gigs and clubs in London and talk awkwardly to vague acquaintances but there was no one I'd meet up with in a more normal setting.

Life After Asperger's Diagnosis/Suspected diagnosis

1- Did you functioning level change after diagnosis?

It was more of a slow upward curve, caused by a number things including CBT, taking better care of my health, having better friends etc.

2- How do you view yourself now/right after diagnosis?

That's a very broad question! If I can't think positively of myself, (which I often can't), I try to think of myself neutrally or not at all. So basically, I try not to view myself at all, if that makes sense.

3- What do you struggle with now?

I'm graduating in a year and my biggest worry is whether I'll get a graduate-level job, so most of my worry is directed towards that.

4- Is there anything that you think specifically applies to us female aspies that may be left out of male-aspie-oriented literature?

I'm a very passive autistic person and autistic people in the media or in literature often seem to be very aggressive. I think autistic women often struggle quietly in the background and don't draw attention to themselves in the way autistic men sometimes do.

5- How important is gender to you? Do you relate more to males or female NT's? other aspies? Other people with other types of disabilities/issues

I've never struggled with gender identity - I'm happy to be a woman. I've tended to make friends with men more easily as they seem to be happier for a friendship to progress slowly, and are often less nosy. I don't really have any autistic friends, not sure why.

6- How do you view asperger's and how it relates to your life?

This is a bit vague? Not sure where to start, sorry.

7- What's your "aspie-talent" if you have one? If you don't- does it bother you that most people assume all aspies have such "super-talent?"

I'm a strong writer, but that's mainly because I've worked very hard at it. To be honest, I feel like the idea of 'magic aspie powers' devalues that and takes it away from me.

8- What do you think about children and parenting? Would you want children if you didn't know about Asperger's/weren't diagnosed? Do you want them now?

I've never wanted children, I need too much time to myself, and that's something I've always known.

9- Do you have good aspie friends? non-aspie friends? If not when was the last time you had a good friend and does it bother you that you don't have one?

I have lots of wonderful friends, most of whom are gay men.

10- Are you "girly"? Do you wear make-up? Bother with getting "gussied up"? Do you do it for you or for others? Are there parts of personal hygene that make no sense to you/you struggle with?

I love clothes, but other than that it's all a chore. I don't wear any make up at all.

Thanks! I greatly appreciate your filling out my little interview. What you said about women suffering in the background- I really feel the same way! I know I did. I was undiagnosed until this year and all the usual screening questions- "did you get in trouble at school" are a resounding no... I think this gap in aspie-related literature needs to be filled. I know I for one REALLY wish I'd heard of it sooner.


Good luck with the job thing! And congratulations on making it through university. I dropped out my first year.

Screening Questions
1- How old are you now? Turning 21 in less than 2 months
2- How old were you when you heard of asperger's/were diagnosed? 15

About the diagnosis:
How did you hear of Asperger's/get your diagnosis?
My psychiatrist had ordered me to have a blood test done in order to check for thyroid problems. When I went in to see the doctor, she started asking my mom and I a bunch of seeming unrelated questions, such as whether or not I had friends, if I had intense interests, what I was like as a child, and other questions. She also measured my head to see if it was larger than average (it is) and what my gait was like (unusual, off-balance). Finally, she told my mom that she thought I had a form of autism called Asperger's Syndrome. We brought it up to my psychiatrist and he said he had always suspected it. He gave us tests to fill out and diagnosed me. Later that year, I had an appointment with the leading autism specialist in my state, and he confirmed the diagnosis.

Life Before Asperger's:

1- Describe to me how you viewed yourself pre-diagnosis. I viewed myself as a weirdo. It was a label I had received from my peers as early as kindergarten, and I begrudgingly accepted it. But I knew deep down that there had to be more to it than just not fitting in. I remember in elementary school seeing pamphlets for ADHD and other mental illnesses outside the nurse's office, and I wondered "Is there a name for kids like me who spend all their time inside their minds and have trouble making friends?"

2- What did you struggle with most? Co-morbid disorders (OCD, anxiety disorder, depression), making friends, being shunned and ridiculed by other kids at school, and dealing with family members who were frustrated with me and didn't understand why I was the way I was (though I am quick to note that they became very supportive, understanding and forgiving towards me post-diagnosis).

Life After Asperger's Diagnosis/Suspected diagnosis

1- Did you functioning level change after diagnosis? Gradually, yes. I went from someone who had meltdowns to the point of self-harm when left alone, couldn't remember to take medications or lock doors, and couldn't do household chores for fear of germs/chemicals to someone who is able to do household chores, remember to take my medications, and is better at coping with life overall, including dealing with being left alone for long periods of time. I still can't be completely independent though.

2- How do you view yourself now/right after diagnosis? Right after diagnosis, I was afraid that having autism meant that I had mental retardation. I was more aware of my own limitations, which made me self-conscious. Nowadays I view myself as eccentric and aloof, yet strangely charming (based on how other people seem to react to me). I think of myself as being an alien, because my loved ones (much less people in general) still don't fully understand me, and I am still naive to the ways of the world.

3- What do you struggle with now? Feeling inferior to others my age who have gone on to have more successful lives, feeling insecure about my special interests, being overly possessive towards the most sympathetic person in my life (my mom), making bad decisions including spending money frivolously, drinking caffeine when it interferes with my medication, not eating right, not sleeping well, being concerned about my weight.

4- Is there anything that you think specifically applies to us female aspies that may be left out of male-aspie-oriented literature? I think that females with AS are more prone to getting a diagnosis later in life than males due to the fact that in general, I think that we tend to be less aggressive than boys with AS and more withdrawn, and have interests in things that lots of girls have interests in (like horses, works of fiction, playing with dolls/stuffed animals). These types of behaviors are fairly socially acceptable in girls in general, so we get overlooked for a diagnosis. Then there's the fact that a lot of girls with AS learn to mask their symptoms by mimicking interactions they observe from watching others interact.

I think other issues specific to AS girls that need to be addressed are the fact that we may be seen as "easy targets" for predators and easier to take advantage of than women without developmental disabilities. Also, the fact that our symptoms may get worse when we have our periods and that our first period may be very scary to us because even though we were told what would happen, we didn't understand it and so it surprised us. (I speak from personal experience on that one.)


5- How important is gender to you? Do you relate more to males or female NT's? other aspies? Other people with other types of disabilities/issues
Gender isn't important to me, both in regards to myself and in regards to whom I am attracted to. So in other words, I am androgynous and bisexual. It's hard to say which gender I relate to more when it comes to NTs. I feel like I relate to a little of both. However, I find that in general I tend to have more in common with other aspie females than aspie males. It's hard to compare myself to women with other disabilities because I don't know what their struggles are.

6- How do you view asperger's and how it relates to your life? Unlike a lot of people on the spectrum, I view my AS as a burden. Oftentimes I am unaware of my own limitations, and so I become frustrated when I want to do something on my own and get told that I can't because I'm not high-functioning enough. I am ashamed of the fact that I am on Social Security, and I would feel better about myself if I could work to earn money instead of feeling like I'm taking peoples' money from their taxes.

7- What's your "aspie-talent" if you have one? If you don't- does it bother you that most people assume all aspies have such "super-talent?" I don't have any savant skills. I'm more of a "jack-of-all-trades" type of person. Yes, it does bother me that a lot of people assume that just because I am autistic must mean I have to be super-talented at something.

8- What do you think about children and parenting? Would you want children if you didn't know about Asperger's/weren't diagnosed? Do you want them now? I think children are my natural enemy. They are loud, rude, messy, danger-prone and germ-infested. Needless to say, I never want to become a parent. It's hard to say how I would feel about children if I didn't have AS. Maybe I would feel differently about them, or maybe I would feel the same way I do now.

9- Do you have good aspie friends? non-aspie friends? If not when was the last time you had a good friend and does it bother you that you don't have one? I have friends on the Internet, but none in real life. The last time I had a good friend was when I was 12, and I miss that experience very much.

10- Are you "girly"? Do you wear make-up? Bother with getting "gussied up"? Do you do it for you or for others? Are there parts of personal hygene that make no sense to you/you struggle with? I'm girly in some ways but a tomboy in others. I don't wear makeup unless I'm going to church or a party. I don't "gussy up" at all - I just throw on whatever and get on with the day. I struggle with shaving because I see no point in it other than to get people to stop nagging me about it. At various times in my life, I have also struggled with putting on deodorant, taking a shower, wearing a bra and brushing my teeth. I don't know why I can't do all of those things instead of some of them. I also struggle with having "accidents" in regards to using the restroom, because I often become so absorbed in my interests that I procrastinate using the restroom until it's too late. I also have "accidents" as a result of drinking too much water before bed, which causes me to have a leak when I'm sleeping.

no worries! I see you've got an ebook up on Smashwords, how are you finding them? I thought about using them but went with Amazon KDP in the end, although I might still do Smashwords too so I can have all the other formats. (my book - http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005NRF35C).

I love smashwords! I don't even want to think about doing all of the conversions myself as the formatting for the two I did (Smashwords and Amazon KDP) was enough of a headache for me. I like the fact that they distribute to all major sellers, and I also did Amazon KDP cause' someone suggested to do both. I like the coupons in my control as well which I cant figure out the amazon kdp stuff other than uploading it. I know you can"gift" titles but I don't know how to do that... anyways, I'd really suggest doing Smashwords. If you follow their "guide" you should have no problems (and DO NOT use the tab key when you type. That is a nightmare to fix!)

1- How old are you now?

26
2- How old were you when you heard of asperger's/were diagnosed?

12 and 12

About the diagnosis:
How did you hear of Asperger's/get your diagnosis?

Mom told me I had it and my shrink thought I may have it and my mom wanted a professional to look it over. So she recommended this psychiatrist who specialized in ASDs.


Life Before Asperger's:

1- Describe to me how you viewed yourself pre-diagnosis.

Different and why I couldn't be normal and why I was treated different. Then at home I'd feel normal but in school I wasn't because of how I get treated. Plus I felt younger than my age and I played with younger kids at home because I could relate to them better.

2- What did you struggle with most?

Friends and social skills, learning and being bullied and singled out and treated different.

Life After Asperger's Diagnosis/Suspected diagnosis



1- Did you functioning level change after diagnosis?


Yes

2- How do you view yourself now/right after diagnosis?

Normal but I will never be "Normal." Normal is overrated anyway.

3- What do you struggle with now?

Anxiety and learning. I never went to college, though I did go to community college for fun courses but because I needed so much help and work accommodations and work modification in high school and middle school, I didn't go to college. The work was just too hard. I would not have finished school if I didn't have an IEP. I would have dropped out and it would have been even harder for me to get a job. I struggled with getting jobs anyway since high school. Now I work for a company that is for people with disabilities. I think learning difficulties and anxiety are my roadblocks.


4- Is there anything that you think specifically applies to us female aspies that may be left out of male-aspie-oriented literature?

I think females are less likely to be fixated on narrow things like objects such as gears or wheels. They are more likely to fixates on topics instead. Plus they are less likely to be into science and math. Plus they tend to do pretend play. I have also read it's harder for females to get diagnosed. There are some females who are into things males are into such as technology and computers and all that but it's less common in aspie females.



5- How important is gender to you? Do you relate more to males or female NT's? other aspies? Other people with other types of disabilities/issues

It depends. I seem to attract people who are not quite normal. I don't mind being a female and I feel lucky I am.

6- How do you view asperger's and how it relates to your life?

My AS is just part of me. It isn't who I am and it doesn't define me nor describe me. It's just there to help people understand me better but I don't even bother to tell people. I am normal most of the time. In fact I view the symptoms as a list of things to work on to make your life easier. It's called adapting. Everyone has faults so I view it that way. My anxiety has improved so my life is easier now and I have less meltdowns. I learned to stay calm.

7- What's your "aspie-talent" if you have one? If you don't- does it bother you that most people assume all aspies have such "super-talent?"

I don't think I have any. I used to have a thing for writing but then I lost it when I started to get writer's blocks. I used to write and not get any writer's blocks and then at age 12 it started to happen. I hate the stereotypes that aspies have super talents.

8- What do you think about children and parenting? Would you want children if you didn't know about Asperger's/weren't diagnosed? Do you want them now?

I already have kids, just one. Though I was concerned about having them because I struggle to eat because I tend to forget to eat because I get so absorbed in what I am doing and plus I had struggled with an eating disorder since high school and I have a hard time deciding what to eat so I was concerned it would effect my child. Plus I have a hard time with abstract stuff so I struggled in school and there be no way I can help my child with his homework when his work gets too hard. Plus I have anxiety and can't handle stress well and if there is too much change, I get overwhelmed and have meltdowns if something gets in my way. Plus dealing with phones and having to talk to people like teachers or the school principal would be a problem for me since I get very nervous and am not sure what to say and how to handle it. But my husband does better in social situations and helps me out and he can cook and doesn't have issues with deciding what to have for dinner. Plus he can teach me how to cook. My eating disorder is gone for now, I hope it never comes back but it's now with knowing what to eat so I tend to eat the same foods and I am starting to forget to eat again if I get too absorbed in what I am doing. I've always been this way and mom said I had never been hungry. I have starved before and ate out of boredom or for the comfort and the textures and taste. But mom didn't allow us to eat whenever we wanted and she tell us to go have an apple instead or have left overs when we say we were hungry. She was not going to let us have desserts or other junk food.

9- Do you have good aspie friends? non-aspie friends? If not when was the last time you had a good friend and does it bother you that you don't have one?

I only have online friends. It doesn't bother me that I don't have friends. I have my kid and husband.

10- Are you "girly"? Do you wear make-up? Bother with getting "gussied up"? Do you do it for you or for others? Are there parts of personal hygene that make no sense to you/you struggle with?


I wear female clothes, no make up. I rarely wear jewelry. I don't struggle with hygiene really. I brush my hair, shower, brush my teeth, wear deodorant. But if this counts, I don't change my panties and socks everyday nor bras. I will also wear the same clothes in a row because no one is going to know I wore them the day before except husband. I'm not in school and I have to wear the same pants to work and the same shirt because it's part of the work uniform. I don't have to wear the same pants but I do and it's acceptable there. Plus I don't wear cloths in my apartment much. I used to but not anymore but someday again I will have to start wearing clothes again because I don't think my son would want to see his mother in her bra and panties and plus have social services on my door step and saying I did indecent exposure to my child and say I did sexual abuse. Kids will blurt anything so that means he can say "Mommy doesn't wear clothes at home." Then everyone would know I expose myself in front of him. Honestly not wearing clothes became a habit because my son kept spitting up and I didn't want to dirty my clothes from him so I started to go dressless and now I like it because it's easier than putting something on.

I will get dressed up if I am going somewhere nice. I will wear clothes my mom wants me to wear because she doesn't always like what I have on.

Those that have already filled out my little questionnaire, if you wouldn't mind answering these questions I'd greatly appreciate it! I've edited them into the original post as well. they are mainly more in-depth to the questions asked in the first set.




6a- do you see Asperger's as a disability- or as the next step in human evolution? (or somewhere inbetween)

6b- Do you see Asperger's as defining your life or just a part of it?

6c-Are there parts of being an Aspie you love?

6d-If you have an "aspie-bility" do your "aspie-bilities" make up for your weaknesses in your oppinion?




8- What do you think about children and parenting?

8a- does your diagnosis play into how you feel about having children?

8b- do you feel capable of being a mother to someone- now or in the future?

8c- Are you afraid of having kids? Either the responsibility of another life to look after or that you "can't" do it for sensitivity/practical/sensory reasons?

8d- what do you think might be the biggest challenge a woman might face as an aspie in reguards to parenting that wouldn't effect nt-mothers the same way?


9a. do have you had a large number of rotation close friends that come/go through your life or are the two current friends pretty stabilized throughout your life?

bonus question that just came to me: Do you make up your own words? Can you give me a feew examples of these if so and how you came up with them?

Last edited by shaybugz on 20 Sep 2011, 8:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

1- How old are you now? 22
2- How old were you when you heard of asperger's/were diagnosed? Heard about it at 13, self diagnosed between 13 and 15, stopped identifying at 18 or 19 (identified as "not neurotypical" because of people having been faking being aspies around me and me not being comfortable identifying while self-diagnosed) officially diagnosed at 22.

About the diagnosis:
How did you hear of Asperger's/get your diagnosis? A psychologist I saw when I was 13, when my parents wanted to see if either my sister or I should see someone suggested that I might have Asperger's, but she'd not be able to diagnosis me. She also suggested I didn't pursue a diagnosis because of a bias against diagnosising females.

When I got diagnosed I was having issues with counselors not working at all, and we asked the local autism resource center who they recommended for diagnosising adults.


Life Before Asperger's:

1- Describe to me how you viewed yourself pre-diagnosis.

Shy, gifted, weird, "why would anyone want to be normal, normal's an insult"

2- What did you struggle with most?

School. Why didn't they let me do my own work? Why did they keep trying to hold me back. I was so incredibly bored. And then on top of that I was bullied. The psychologist I saw back then also diagnosed me with social anxiety developed from being bullied, and it was while I was in the process of changing schools to get out of the school system.

Life after Self-diagnosis

1- Did you functioning level change after diagnosis?

No, but I went even father into my books.

2- How do you view yourself now/right after diagnosis?

It was a very "wait, I'm not the only one! Maybe they actually realize that being normal is a bad thing too" sort of time.

3- What do you struggle with now?

In that period of time, my biggest issue was in high school when I had teachers getting to having entirely inaccurate views of me which included them thinking I was incompetent in their subjects . Those came via not understanding communication in English, and it being assumed I was having issues in foreign languages because conversations about pop-culture made no sense to me and I had nothing to add, as well as a fear of asking for help.

Life After Asperger's Diagnosis/Suspected diagnosis

1- Did you functioning level change after diagnosis?
No, but I've managed to add some more coping mechanisms in that I hadn't known about before. I'm not sure how it will be in longer periods of time, because my official diagnosis was recent. This is even harder to answer because not long after my diagnosis I fell into an autistic burnout phase, which I seem to do every 2 years or so for a period of 6-8 months.

2- How do you view yourself now/right after diagnosis?
Hi, I'm Tuttle. I'm me.

3- What do you struggle with now?

Migraines. Migraine triggers. And attempts to work around them. My sensory issues have only gotten worse as I got older, likely because of over-exposure. At this point I've had multiple people tell me I should be on SSI because of my migraines caused by sensory issues (lots of hypersensitivity)

4- Is there anything that you think specifically applies to us female aspies that may be left out of male-aspie-oriented literature?

I really want to see someone write about Asperger's and Pregnancy and caring of infants. I really want to be a mother later, but I want to find information about this sometime before I'd be planning on having kids.

From what I've seen, there are a lot of biases against diagnosis females, and things based off that should be touched on. I've definitely seen assumptions that aspies get in trouble in school which really bother me.

5- How important is gender to you? Do you relate more to males or female NT's? other aspies? Other people with other types of disabilities/issues

Gender is not important at all. I identify as female because I want to be a mother. Otherwise I'd likely be a genderqueer person who didn't understand the concept of gender. I have issues understanding why people care about gender at all.

I relate more to geeks than other NTs - these are easier to find as males, but I relate to both males and females. When I was younger I related more to females, as I aged this has been swapping over to males.

I want to know how well I relate to other aspies, but currently that's something I'm dealing with too many biases to reasonably answer. I was emotionally abused by another aspie between my self diagnosis and official diagnosis.

6- How do you view asperger's and how it relates to your life?

I am autistic, I don't "have asperger's". Asperger's is part of me. It is innately part of me and something that both gives me huge challenges and something that I'd never give up. It's something I need to learn to work around. It's something that explains a caricature of who I am. It's something that makes me me.

7- What's your "aspie-talent" if you have one? If you don't- does it bother you that most people assume all aspies have such "super-talent?"

I'm not really sure if I have one. It depends on what people refer to. I have a reading speed many consider absurd - at least 3 standard deviations above average. If I'm skimming (50% comprehension), I can read 5000 wpm, usually I read 2000-3000 wpm and have about a 90% comprehension rate.

Of course, the place I really want to focus is in mathematics and logic. My obsession with logical correctness helps here, as does my inability to look over the exceptions.

8- What do you think about children and parenting? Would you want children if you didn't know about Asperger's/weren't diagnosed? Do you want them now?

I knew about Asperger's when I first wanted children, but actually identifying as an aspie rather than "not neurotypical" hasn't changed me wanting children.

9- Do you have good aspie friends? non-aspie friends? If not when was the last time you had a good friend and does it bother you that you don't have one?

My boyfriend is by far my closest friend and is almost certainly an aspie. At the moment I don't have close non-aspie friends, but that's occurred more often than aspie friends.

It bothers me a lot that I don't think I can say I have any close friends other than my boyfriend. The fact that I have a very high criteria for friendship only makes that worse. I have a few people I consider friends, but none of them have time for me. Last time I felt like I had a good friend was only a few months ago, and before that was a few years ago.


10- Are you "girly"? Do you wear make-up? Bother with getting "gussied up"? Do you do it for you or for others? Are there parts of personal hygene that make no sense to you/you struggle with?

I'm incredibly not girly, incredibly not feminine. I have no interest in doing any of that stuff. I don't understand caring about how you look, only comfort.

I also don't understand why people shave. I don't and am not ashamed to admit that I don't (but dislike people judging me because of this). It seems like a waste of time that only makes you more uncomfortable as you have to deal with hair growing back. Ick.

I struggle with washing my hair, but think that I have control over that. I have washed my hair little enough that my scalp has adjusted to not needing to wash my hair nearly as often. When I wash my hair it becomes unbrushable (I have dry hair that likes being tangled up, so no matter how much conditioner I use its very difficult to brush after washing).

As a whole I don't understand hygiene as looking any particular way rather than feeling clean and being clean.

I feel your pain on the hair thing. My hair is impossible for the 24 hours after I wash it... this plus the fact that I usually just-don't-care makes hair washing something I dread!

[quote="shaybugz"]Those that have already filled out my little questionnaire, if you wouldn't mind answering these questions I'd greatly appreciate it! I've edited them into the original post as well. they are mainly more in-depth to the questions asked in the first set.




6a- do you see Asperger's as a disability- or as the next step in human evolution? (or somewhere inbetween)

I do see it as a disability or it wouldn't be in the DSM. But it is being removed in DSM V and being merged to autism.

6b- Do you see Asperger's as defining your life or just a part of it?

Part of it. If it weren't for my AS, I would have never gone to London or anywhere else in Europe. I also would have never met my husband and have my baby because I would have met some other guy and maybe have kids with him. I would have taken different pathways in my life.

6c-Are there parts of being an Aspie you love?

Yes. I like my intense focus on my interests and my logical thinking and my different way of thinking.

6d- You said you are good at organizing and making stuff- do your "aspie-bilities" make up for your weaknesses in your oppinion?

I am afraid I can't answer this because I don't know.


8- What do you think about children and parenting?

Hasn't this already been answered?

8a- does your diagnosis play into how you feel about having children?

I don't think there is a difference. I have wanted kids since I was five years old.


8b- do you feel capable of being a mother to someone- now or in the future?

Yes I do.

8c- Are you afraid of having kids? Either the responsibility of another life to look after or that you "can't" do it for sensitivity/practical/sensory reasons?

I already have kids and I was nervous about being a mother. I know babies are lot of work and I had troubles sleeping and I wasn't sure how I would get some sleep when the baby comes and I have anxiety so i thought I would have more.

8d- what do you think might be the biggest challenge a woman might face as an aspie in reguards to parenting that wouldn't effect nt-mothers the same way?

She might be expected to socialize more since that is what mothers do. They might be expected to interact with other parents and their kids would need play dates.


9a. do have you had a large number of rotation close friends that come/go through your life or are the two current friends pretty stabilized throughout your life?

No.

bonus question that just came to me: Do you make up your own words? Can you give me a feew examples of these if so and how you came up with them?


No I do not make up my own words.

6a- do you see Asperger's as a disability- or as the next step in human evolution? (or somewhere inbetween) I am disabled, I am not inferior. I have advantages and disadvantages but the advantages do not mean that I am not disabled. Yet me being disabled absolutely does not give others the right to look down at me.

6b- Do you see Asperger's as defining your life or just a part of it? An innate part of it, but not defining it.

6c-Are there parts of being an Aspie you love? I can't imagine being anything else, but I do enjoy being myself and do enjoy some of these traits.

6d- You said you are good at organizing and making stuff- do your "aspie-bilities" make up for your weaknesses in your oppinion? It's not about making up for them in my opinion. It's just about acknowledging the good and the bad. No amount of upsides will take away the fact that I have severe sensory issues. Yet I still don't want to be "cured".




8- What do you think about children and parenting?

I want children eventually. I feel very strongly about homeschooling.

8a- does your diagnosis play into how you feel about having children?

I don't think so, but I can't be sure. I had no interest in being a parent before age 13.

8b- do you feel capable of being a mother to someone- now or in the future?

As a whole, in the future yes. However there are certain things I'm terrified of.

8c- Are you afraid of having kids? Either the responsibility of another life to look after or that you "can't" do it for sensitivity/practical/sensory reasons?

I'm terrified that I won't be able to do everything I need to because of sensory reasons. I'm terrified of things like cleaning up messes and changing diapers because scents bother me a lot. I'm terrified that the sensory issues will hurt my ability to parent a young child.

8d- what do you think might be the biggest challenge a woman might face as an aspie in reguards to parenting that wouldn't effect nt-mothers the same way?

The big one for me is sensory issues. My boyfriend's mom talks about not having issues cleaning bad fridges 'cause its not bad compared to infants, and those are fridges that I'm near vomiting if I try to clean.


9a. do have you had a large number of rotation close friends that come/go through your life or are the two current friends pretty stabilized throughout your life?

Not really easier. As a whole they're stable until something physically separates us, yet I still care about them after that.

6a- do you see Asperger's as a disability- or as the next step in human evolution? (or somewhere inbetween)
A disability. I don't believe in evolution.

6b- Do you see Asperger's as defining your life or just a part of it?
It's hard not to think of it as my defining trait, since it has an impact on virtually every aspect of my life.

6c-Are there parts of being an Aspie you love?
I love having special interests. I also enjoy having developmental delays to some extent, because I feel like I'm having an extended childhood.

6d-If you have an "aspie-bility" do your "aspie-bilities" make up for your weaknesses in your oppinion?
N/A




8- What do you think about children and parenting?
I don't like or want children. I don't ever want to become a parent, but if other people do it, I don't care.

8a- does your diagnosis play into how you feel about having children?
Maybe. I detailed all the reasons I dislike children in my previous post, and I don't know how differently I'd feel if I didn't have AS.

8b- do you feel capable of being a mother to someone- now or in the future?
Tonight my mom told me I can't take care of myself. So how could I ever take care of another human life?

8c- Are you afraid of having kids? Either the responsibility of another life to look after or that you "can't" do it for sensitivity/practical/sensory reasons?
Yes to both

8d- what do you think might be the biggest challenge a woman might face as an aspie in reguards to parenting that wouldn't effect nt-mothers the same way?
Sensory issues and meltdowns.


9a. do have you had a large number of rotation close friends that come/go through your life or are the two current friends pretty stabilized throughout your life?
I haven't had any friends since I left school when I was 16.

Do you make up your own words? Can you give me a feew examples of these if so and how you came up with them?

Anxierly - portmanteau of "anxious" and "eagerly". I came up with it by accident while talking too fast when I was going on about the topic of seeing Prince Poppycock perform on America's Got Talent, as in "I'm anxiously and eagerly awaiting his performance".

Adorability - The cuteness factor of something. For example - "The adorability of that kitty-cat is huge!"I thought this was an actual word until spellcheck told me it wasn't, so I'm not really sure how I came up with it.

1- 22yrs old
2- 18 yrs old



School counselor thought I was aspie my senior year, sent me in for a diagnosis, then I got diagnosed.



1- I thought I was just very shy and not confident of my social abilities
2- Socializing, pretty much everything. I was extremely shy and was mute till I was 17. So once the mutism went away, I was very clueless. I recall just never being sure of what I was doing was ok. I didnt know this was due to social incompetence. I just thought I had a very bad case of SA. Cause thats what my mom thought, I had yet to develop much of my own mindset. I was only starting.



1- Umm, I was always high functioning so I dont really know. Yeah I became more self-sufficient but that was due more so to going away to college and naturally growing up. My abilities to take care of myself were never really in question even before my diagnosis.
2- Right after my diagnosis, I viewed myself as rather dry, boring, and serious with not much to offer. I've grown tremendously since. Right now I'm pretty blunt forthright person, kinda tactless at times. I can be very reserved but I hold it to different levels. But once you get to know me: Im a balance of 1/2 fun and quirky, 1/2 serious worrywart. I'll talk about anything, 99% of things arent taboo with me yet still very serious minded and ambitious.
3- Tactfulness with friends mostly. With acquaintances, I can seem rather standoffish and antisocial. Otherwise, mostly social timing. I know how to socialize, I just dont know when is the appropriete time to interact. I have a significant spontaneous interaction problem. Always had it.



4- Hmm, there probably is but Im not really adamant about it because I dont care for a lot of the female aspie descriptions. The male representation sounds good to me and I probably fit it well enough.
5- Well I used to disregard gender but this year I began to see so closely how much gender drives this society. And after reading many articles about male/female and female/female interaction, I can see how I often misled people and what I was doing wrong. This year has been huge for me, I really struggled a lot with being secure as a female(not gender identity wise) just sexual stereotypes. I'm not some sweet, caring, socially tactful girl. I just felt insecure to many women. I feel 1/2 girly girl, 1/2 tomboy. I can relate to guys slightly better. Guys are just much easier to understand, even if I dont relate to them. But Im slowly becoming more secure as a women. I should embrace my abilities to encorporate girly and tomboy sides. Im such a more interesting person then all those feminine women. I can relate to both sexes.
With aspies, its similar. Im borderline aspie so I can relate to both aspies and NTs. I have a lot of NT friends, just a couple aspie friends. With others with disabilities, other then the couple aspies I know, I only have 1 friend who's bipolar. And its good to talk to her because we can relate and we are struggling through getting appropriete services and settling into our lives.
6- Honestly I dont view aspergers in a positive light, I often wish I was NT, I'd have a much easier life.



6a- I see it both as an disability and a difference. I believe in the spectrum theory, people(NTs) get closer and closer to the spectrum. At some point there is that blurry line between NT and aspie. And Im likely on that line, neurology wise. If I never went mute, I doubt I would have ever been diagnosed.
6b- Hmm I'd like to think aspergers is just a part of it, often times I think too much along the lines as it defines my life when it doesnt have to. I does interfere with almost everything in my life.
6c- I like how I can view and disconstruct society in ways other people cant. I can point out things that NTs never in their lives would be able to see.
6d- Not really, havent you heard the term, "its not what you know, its who you know". Honestly, aspies can know everything about a subject but just cause were so talented, if we dont have the social skills: we'll get nowhere.



7- I dont know if I really do. I have very good visual/spatial abilities, there not extremely high. And I can remember months worth of memories, I have a very good long term memory. My mind is like a tape recorder. Those memories can be constructed into a film. But I balance that out with a bad short term memory.
8- I dont think I want children either way. I dont know how to even babysit a child. I think I'd be a bad, worrywart parent who drove their kids crazy.



8a- Idk if it really does, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of being a parent period.
8b- no, future- a huge maybe, but doubtful
8c- Yes afraid, and its cause of the responsibility issues, I dont want to be responsible for a messed up life, due to poor parenting
8d- uhh???? no clue



9- I have a couple aspie friends, there not close tho. Most of my friends are NT, and I have a couple close NT friends and Im really glad I have them. One friend, I subconsciously put him thru many tests that he didnt deserve and he passed almost all of them(cept 1) and right now he's one of my few close friends. I liked him ALOT as a person but I was skeptical due to his strong religious affiliation and Ive recently had bad experiences with other people of that religion. But he's proven himself to be more and more genuine with time. My other friend is the only genuinely close female friend I've ever had and I embrace that friendship a lot. And that friendship helped a lot with me feeling more secure as a women. Ive never had a "real" close girl bond before, it feels pretty good. All the fake "mother hens" dont count.
10- Kinda girly, like shopping but I shop in and out like a guy. Rarely wear makeup, only recently started and only to special events. I'd like to dress up a bit more but I just moved back home and the style is super casual. If I was still in LA, I would. Whenever I dress up on a casual occation, I look more like a foreigner from Asia because the only women who really dress up around here are the international students/immigrants.
11- I dont outright make up a word, I just use words strangely and grammatically incorrect at times. Such as plasticy, adding ish and y a lot. I have bad spelling and grammar btw.

1- How old are you now?
24

2- How old were you when you heard of asperger's/were diagnosed?
14

About the diagnosis:
How did you hear of Asperger's/get your diagnosis?
My school was sending me to all sorts of psychologist type people... I think they realised I was a bit odd. The first I heard of it was when I was diagnosed.

Life Before Asperger's:

1- Describe to me how you viewed yourself pre-diagnosis.
An alien. Someone who couldn't do anything right.

2- What did you struggle with most?
Talking to people. Working out where to sit in lessons. Hoping people wouldn't hate me too much if I sat with them because there were no other seats left. Finding partners for lab work. Mostly the social side of school.

Life After Asperger's Diagnosis/Suspected diagnosis

1- Did your functioning level change after diagnosis?
I don't think so. My social skills definitely improved, but I was always high functioning to the point where I'd have been perfectly capable of living away from my family.

2- How do you view yourself now/right after diagnosis?
I remember when my mum told me about it she cried. Mostly I just felt blank. It took quite a while to comprehend the diagnosis enough to accept it. I didn't accept it immediately. To start with it was just this thing I didn't think about. These days I think I come across as shy, geeky, and just a little bit weird.

3- What do you struggle with now?
Social boundaries still cause problems. I'm never sure when it's ok to say hello to people I don't know very well or whether I'd be getting in the way or annoying them if I tried to be friendly.
Emotions are tricky too. Understanding them is still difficult.

4- Is there anything that you think specifically applies to us female aspies that may be left out of male-aspie-oriented literature?
I'm not sure. The book I really grew up on was "Pretending to be Normal" by Liane Holliday Willey, so obviously as she was female that's not something I've noticed so much.

5- How important is gender to you? Do you relate more to males or female NT's? other aspies? Other people with other types of disabilities/issues?
I don't know. That's actually a really good question. I think of myself as female. When I'm alone I feel female and when I'm in the company of guys I feel female. When I'm with girls I don't so much. Compared to them I feel very bulky and awkward, both physically and socially. I find it quite difficult to identify as female when in the company of other females. With them I still feel "other". I'm not sure how much of this is the aspieness and how much is just left over from other insecurities.

6- How do you view asperger's and how it relates to your life?
It's a label. It's a very useful label. To me it was like being given a very detailed mark scheme for an essay after years of getting horrible marks whatever I tried. I see Aspergers as just a label that describes a lot of the personality traits I have and tells me where I might be likely to go wrong.

6a- do you see Asperger's as a disability- or as the next step in human evolution? (or somewhere inbetween)
Somewhere inbetween

6b- Do you see Asperger's as defining your life or just a part of it?
It's just another label. Most of the time it doesn't come into it much.

6c- Are there parts of being an Aspie you love?
Yes. I love the satisfaction from fulfilling my quirks (e.g. sitting with my back to the wall, not stepping on the lines). I love how overwhelmingly intensely beautiful the world can be. I've tried describing it to people - apparently it sounds like I'm on drugs.

7- What's your "aspie-talent" if you have one? If you don't- does it bother you that most people assume all aspies have such "super-talent?"
I have no super powers. I'm pretty good at maths and chemistry, but not to super-genius level.

8- What do you think about children and parenting? Would you want children if you didn't know about Asperger's/weren't diagnosed? Do you want them now?
Undecided. The diagnosis hasn't made a difference. I'm just not sure how well I could deal with that much pressure and responsibility. Having someone looking to me for answers often makes me want to run away.

8a- does your diagnosis play into how you feel about having children?

8b- do you feel capable of being a mother to someone- now or in the future?

8c- Are you afraid of having kids? Either the responsibility of another life to look after or that you "can't" do it for sensitivity/practical/sensory reasons?

8d- what do you think might be the biggest challenge a woman might face as an aspie in reguards to parenting that wouldn't effect nt-mothers the same way?

9- Do you have good aspie friends? non-aspie friends? If not when was the last time you had a good friend and does it bother you that you don't have one?
Yes. Mostly non-aspies. Generally I find that aspies seem to be either the most or the least interesting people, never in the middle. Most of my friends are geeks. They see being a bit odd as a normal thing.

10- Are you "girly"? Do you wear make-up? Bother with getting "gussied up"? Do you do it for you or for others? Are there parts of personal hygene that make no sense to you/you struggle with?
Rarely. Sometimes I'll try. Occasionally I'll actually succeed without getting freaked out and changing back into jeans. It's partly for me and usually partly for my boyfriend. I know he'd like to see me be more girly, and I would like to be more girly too. It's just right now it makes me feel very exposed.

11. Do you make up your own words? Can you give me a feew examples of these if so and how you came up with them?
Nope.

Screening Questions


1- How old are you now? 24
2- How old were you when you heard of asperger's/were diagnosed? 12

About the diagnosis:
How did you hear of Asperger's/get your diagnosis?
My mother knew about it because my brother is severely autistic, she put me forward for diagnosis.

Life Before Asperger's:

1- Describe to me how you viewed yourself pre-diagnosis.
I compared myself to my brother and thought "yay... mum has a normal child that she doesnt have to put so much effort into"

2- What did you struggle with most?
probably making friends... I would try and be really bossy during play time, because I thought if they wanted to play with me then they could play my game, my way.

Life After Asperger's Diagnosis/Suspected diagnosis

1- Did you functioning level change after diagnosis?
Not at first, over time through Social Skills classes.

2- How do you view yourself now/right after diagnosis?
Right after diagnosis, I hated it. I thought that I'd learned to many behaviours from my brother and that my diagnosis wasn't real. Now it's not so bad, but one thing hasn't changed, I don't want people to know.

3- What do you struggle with now?

Interacting with people, I just cant ever think of anything to say, and people just end up walking off from the conversation or I end up making some lame excuse to get away. Also, making my opinion heard and making sure that they understand what I'm saying and that they don't think I'm stupid.

4- Is there anything that you think specifically applies to us female aspies that may be left out of male-aspie-oriented literature?

We can get more emotional when we're stressed... I tend to yell and shout, and then I cry.

5- How important is gender to you? Do you relate more to males or female NT's? other aspies? Other people with other types of disabilities/issues

I'm forced to interact with all sorts of people my age through my church and my best female friend is an NT (I think), and my best male friend has ADHD (and possibly AS), I relate to them really well... If I have to interact with anyone else with a disability, I try to get away from them, not because I'm mean, but because, I don't want everyone to see that I'm just the same.

6- How do you view asperger's and how it relates to your life?

Sometimes it's a great thing and I love it, but other times (like when my family are insisting that I'm stupid or something) it's a Burden and I hate it... its all "this is because of your Asperger's" and I'm like "and that's MY fault???"

6a- do you see Asperger's as a disability- or as the next step in human evolution? (or somewhere inbetween)


6b- Do you see Asperger's as defining your life or just a part of it?

6c-Are there parts of being an Aspie you love?

6d- You said you are good at organizing and making stuff- do your "aspie-bilities" make up for your weaknesses in your opinion?

It seems that I answered all those sub-questions in the first part of Question 6... sorry

7- What's your "aspie-talent" if you have one? If you don't- does it bother you that most people assume all aspies have such "super-talent?"

I dont know whether I have one or not... and yes, it does bother me... its like we're all geniuses or we're all ret*d... Like, SERIOUSLY!?!?!

8- What do you think about children and parenting? Would you want children if you didn't know about Asperger's/weren't diagnosed? Do you want them now?

I want children, but I'm terrified that they'll have Asperger's or severe Autism.

8a- does your diagnosis play into how you feel about having children?

I don't know the answer to this question, I always knew I wanted to have children, but not sure whether diagnosis has any role in this...

8b- do you feel capable of being a mother to someone- now or in the future?
maybe not now, but I've done a lot of Au Pairing and I learnt a lot and I think I could cope in the future.

8c- Are you afraid of having kids? Either the responsibility of another life to look after or that you "can't" do it for sensitivity/practical/sensory reasons?

the only thing I'm worried about is conception and giving birth, because I'd either have to be very close to someone, or I'd get very dirty and be in a lot of pain.

8d- what do you think might be the biggest challenge a woman might face as an aspie in reguards to parenting that wouldn't effect nt-mothers the same way?

In my case it would be that I'd freak if I couldnt get the baby to stop crying... I'd end up in tears myself out of frustration at not being able to pacify the baby... that has happened before.

9- Do you have good aspie friends? non-aspie friends? If not when was the last time you had a good friend and does it bother you that you don't have one?

yes good aspie friends and good non-aspie friends (for more information, see Q.5)

10- Are you "girly"? Do you wear make-up? Bother with getting "gussied up"? Do you do it for you or for others? Are there parts of personal hygiene that make no sense to you/you struggle with?

I hate brushing my teeth. I do it because I have to... but I would rather not. I only wear make up for special occasions, and I would prefer it if someone else put it on me because I'm not very good at it... I like wearing nice clothes... and I (apparently) have too many showers... but that comes from my brother in law and I only shower once every two days 3 weeks out of 4 and for that other week, I shower every day.

11. Do you make up your own words? Can you give me a few examples of these if so and how you came up with them?

I did when I was little, but I cant remember them now... Now I tend to invent phrases that I get from brand names... like for example "Funky Monkey" which can be use as an exclamation that something is awesome "That's so Funky Monkey!" Or as a statement of distaste when someone doesnt act on a good idea you've had "Well if you want to be all Funky Monkey about it..."