Not able to "define" my feelings towards a friend

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This should be about friendship but somehow I feel that my being a girl/gender role/sexuality has something to do with it.

I have always had problems figuring out what I feel about my friends, especially female friends. The closer the relationship is, the more confused I become. By "definition of feelings", I mean (1) Do I sincerely like them? (2) Do I really care about them? (3) Is there any romantic feeling involved?

The confusion over the last question sometimes makes me wonder whether I am a lesbian in the emotional sense, if there is such a thing...

Yeah, I know how you feel. I actually seriously considered whether or not I had romantic feelings toward a friend of mine, once, and came to the conclusion that if we weren't as close as we were (the the extent that we, cliche as it is, are pretty much family) then I probably would. In the end I just throw my hands in the air and think, well, it's not as if I would actually consider trying to get romantically involved with her anyway — that would never work! — and honestly at this point such a thing does feel somewhat incestuous, and besides! I'm happy with the friendship, so even if their was anything there, it doesn't make a difference to me.

It can be really hard to draw any kind of line between close-friendship-love and romantic-love, though. It really is quite a fuzzy distinction, at least in my experience.

EDIT: Woah! This is my 200th post!

Actually, I started this thread because I have been thinking about my relationship with a university girl friend. And I think you are right about the "not that close-romantic" point. This friend is a completely different person from me and yet we become quite close somehow. But I've always kept a certain distance from her because from my past experience, if I get too close to a friend, the relationship ends up being strange--really intimate and close from other people's eyes but rather awkward between ourselves; but I never felt any romantic stuff.

For this friend, though, maybe it is because we aren't really close in a "girly-going-shopping together" way, and respect each other's privacy very much, I have different feelings... and it is a good relationship. She makes me want to be a better person while staying real....She would drag me out into her social groups without letting me feel that I have to fit in. She helped me with a lot of stuff. And she would also voice her needs which she thought I could help her with. And for an Aspie I think it is good to have someone tell you that they need you. And she has lots of different circles of friends so is never a clingy sort of girlfriend, cuz I hate clingy girlfriends..... Now she‘s not in the same country as me. I miss this friendship, but somehow I am glad that it has to be cut off by the distance, because I think I'll screw it up if it goes on.



nice=）

I never really questioned these definitions of what friends are to me. Because I never considered that I'd have to draw these lines at one point.

Because people like to have things clearly mapped out. But I could never categorize my feelings. I just like some people more than others.

It's all just about decisions, not so much the feeling itself. I guess feelings are overrated anyway. They only get in my way. ^^ I'd be better off ignoring them.

Well that is sad you are apart now. You said such good things about how she treated you. IMO it's normal to care for and love someone if they treat you with kindness, respect, consideration, understanding. Or in other words treat you lovingly. Also it makes sense we would have deeper feelings for someone if they were the only or "best" friend we have. We naturally are trying to bond with people and it's hard to find someone to be yourself with, trust, etc.

Once you start asking yourself that question, I find it's very easy to overanalyse everything and get really confused. But I generally have an idea of whether or not I like someone.


That's harder than the first question, I think. It's easy to think that one care if one like someone, but you can easily like someone without caring a great deal.


I don't know what you feel for her, but love is way more than romantic love. Deep friendship is a form of love. Maybe you love her that way? feelings of friendship can be very strong.
As for whether you can be lesbian in the emotional sense, I don't see why not. Romance and sexuality are so complex things. You can be in love (romantically) without having sexual feelings (maybe especially if you tend towards asexual), so yeah, I think so.