Help me save this girl! Need advice!

Post Reply New Topic

I am a male who has come to this forum seeking advice on how to help my female friend with Aspergers. I am worried that due to some recent events that she will commit suicide. Please read, and I will explain about her, our unique relationship, and what has happened recently.

She is 22, and was diagnosed during her childhood, although I am not entirely sure at what age. She was raised by her grandmother, until the age of 14, when she passed away. Her father sent her to live with her mother a few months later. She had never met her mother until this point. During her next 5 years living with her mother a lot of negative things happened. Her mother is an alcoholic, and her step-father is a drug addict. She was given meth by him at the age of 14. Around this time she discovered that she was attracted to girls. Her mother kept her in the house most of the time, and never accepted her gay lifestyle. She spent most of her time reading. She went to a rehabilitation facility three times, the first time for meth, then for multiple drugs, and last for Xanax. At the age of 19 a military recruiter came to her mother’s house looking for her brother, and she decided to join.

I am also a member of the military in the same unit as my friend. When I first met her she was shy and very dedicated to her job. I discovered we had similar interests and decided I wanted to get to know her. She drank alcohol nearly every night, and having been through the program of AA I decided I would help. Over the next few months she began to share her past with me, I began to like her, and became dedicated to helping her any way I could. By this time I had learned about Aspergers and researched it a fair amount. She told me several times that she wanted to kill herself. I was suicidal a year ago and understood where she was at. I learned that she had been in multiple relationships over the past two years, all of them ending in heartbreak. She described each one in a very romantic and unique way, and at different times when she was drunk she would blame a different one of them for the reason she was so upset. I began to think that I was in love with her, and we tried a relationship. It was not successful. I was depressed and suicidal again, so I finally went to see a psychiatrist as well as a therapist. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD, and the next day the therapist told me that I might have Aspergers. I decided that the ADHD was more likely. Over the past three months I have convinced her to see a psychiatrist who used to specialize in Aspergers, as well as slow down on her drinking. Her finances were in a horrible state, and I made a deal with her in which I would loan her money to pay off some debt and co-sign on her car to reduce her bills. I addressed her problem with lying, and started to push the idea of college.

Over the past two weeks she has started to separate herself from me, and I can no longer get her to talk to me about anything serious, especially the money she owes me. She got back together with one of her previous girlfriends, and they have moved in together. Three nights ago she called me; she had crashed her car and needed a ride. It turned out she was drunk and pulled out in front of a car, deploying the airbags and wrecking her vehicle. She had always been completely against driving drunk, and when I picked her up she didn't seem to care. I gave her girlfriend Aspergirls, and told her that I think she should read it. The girlfriend is flying through it, but my friend has not read it yet as far as I know. I tried to get her girlfriend to convince her to talk to me about the money, and she called me. She said that I was pushing myself into her life, she could manage herself on her own, and that I needed to stop worrying about her. Her girlfriend then told me, that my friend told her that she was bothered by feelings I had for her and it made her uncomfortable when I told her I was suicidal. The girlfriend told me that I needed to stop trying to change her, and that she only wants me as a friend. I became very upset and lashed out at both of them. The last thing I did was I asked the girlfriend what I should do and she told me to just leave them both alone.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I have Aspergers. My friend does not know. I told my mother about the diagnoses and she confirmed that it was mentioned as a possibility when I was a child. I began to read more about males with Aspergers and I am now convinced. At this point I don’t know what to do. I know that I love this girl, but I don't think I am "in" love with her. I don't think she understands exactly how I feel about her. Part of me wants to beg her to listen to me, part of me wants to scream at her, and the rest is just confusion and fear. There is much more to the story than I put in here, but it was so hard to keep it short. We were so close for a period of time, and we shared things we never shared with anyone. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated; I have absolutely no idea what to do.

I've been in your shoes as far as trying to help someone that is suicidal and rejects your help. I'm female, and for me it was a boyfriend. When I realized he didn't really want me as a girlfriend, I tried to stay friends with him in hope of helping him and in fear that he would commit suicide if I left. I left him almost a year ago when he really crossed the line. He hasn't had any suicide attempts since I left. I don't keep in touch with him personally, but I've heard from someone that knows.

She has made it clear that she doesn't want your help. As much as it hurts, and as much as you'd like to help, you will have to accept that as the truth. You can only save yourself. Please put all the energy you put into helping her into helping yourself. It works, I've had to do it for the last year. It's not an easy road, but it's possible.

I would like everyone to know that bookworm is helping me out in private messages. I came here for advise because I reached a point where I couldn't decide what to do. My main goal is still to do anything I can to help her. I am very glad I joined this site, and I also set up an appointment with a therapist only for advise on how I can get past this. If anyone is, was, or has known a girl with Aspergers who jumps from relationship to relationship, and cannot be alone please feel free to share. I am starting to think there is something close to borderline personality disorder which was a result from her childhood. I am hoping that there is a similar situation out there and I can get as many ideas for a solution as possible.