Job Frustration and Other Girl Aspie Issues

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Job

I'm in my early 30's, and I've finally landed my first real teaching job. Unfortunately, I feel like my middle school students don't think I know what I'm doing, and I agree with them. To make matters worse, my boss and coworkers won't do the sensible thing and guide me through the process and give me feedback. Instead, they seem to expect me to figure it out through trial and error. It's torture for me to know that the other English teachers on my hall have everything together and are teaching almost perfect lessons, while I struggle to get something coherent together. Sometimes I dread my job, even though I feel like I'm doing what I wanted to do when I was in my 20's. I hate being humiliated.

I poured way too much time and money into getting a teaching degree, because I wanted to give the kids what I never had. Oh how naive was I! Now, I almost feel like I'm part of the problem. I don't really know how to do my job, and I'm also often too insecure to even interact with the kids. It's almost painful for me to watch myself failing and repeating the mistakes my teachers probably made when I was a kid. The only reason I'm staying at this job is because I need the money, and I need to be able to take care of myself. I also think I could do well here, if someone would at least show me how to do the job.


Social Life

Right now, I'm staying with my dad. I try to pay my way and help him take care of things, and it's more out of courtesy than necessity, but wow do I do a lot of daydreaming. You know the old spiel by now, don't you? I wish I could find a guy who was into all of the silly nerdy cutesy off-beat comedic and dark things I'm into. I don't know where to look, though. In fact, I'm a little afraid to date, even though I wish I could do something to break the monotony. I still feel like an overgrown teenager, to be honest. I thought it would help me with the kids, but I'm lost on some of the more "adult" responsibilities of the job. I think that's a trademark of people who were born in the late 80's and early 90's, though, we never really "grew up," or maybe that's not true of all of us at all, and it only sort of applies to me.


I would like to find a guy who can accept the fact that I haven't really "grown up," and not always in the socially acceptable way, either. I'm independent. I like people who don't care about the way I look, and I like to feel comfortable.


Aspirations

When I watch YouTube, I see reflected in parody form all of the angst and craziness people like me went through in our time. I would like to start making videos and become a bit of a star, but I would need a friend to do it with to convince me it was a good idea, and I haven't found anyone around my age who is still into this sort of imaginary play. I hope that entering my 30's hasn't taken away my creative spirit, and I certainly hope my memories of the abuse and unfair treatment I suffered as a kid haven't begun to fade.

Hello,
Good luck with the teaching - I had many similar issues when I first started teaching approx 10 years ago, even now I'm convinced that it was only the thought of having to move back in with my parents for about the 5th time that got me through my induction year! A few things that might help: think of learning to make things work as a process that you can gradually master, watch as many of the best teachers in your school as possible and try and take one tip from what they do. Think about things such as 'why do the kids respect this teacher?', 'how do they engage pupils?', 'what are their fallback techniques when things don't work out as planned?' - something that happens to everyone. Even a few ideas per lesson observation can make so much difference. As nobody seems to agree on what makes a perfect lesson and given that we and the pupils are all human I don't think it exists so don't beat yourself up on this or assume that other staff are teaching perfect lessons. A few things I did at the start that showed the pupils that I was not comfortable and an easy target was to: fidget continuously, read a lot of information off Powerpoints rather than asking more questions, not vary my tone of voice and to speak too quickly (this is something I do anyway so slowing this down has taken years), get students to always put their hand up to answer questions rather than calling on students randomly, getting embroiled in pointless student drama and requests - e.g changing the seating plan so that kids could sit next to their mates or discussing behaviour management issues with one student in front of other members of the class. I was also not clear with students at the start of the term exactly what my expectations were and did not remind them frequently enough. I worked at a tough school and wore myself out shouting - what a waste of energy! Perhaps it works for some people but it certainly did not mean the pupils behaved better overall for me. This might sound tough but don't worry whether the kids like you, they will respect you far more if you don't actually care but prove through your actions that you are fair, firm and (on the whole, as there are always exceptions) like them as people. Asking a question to a naughty student in a quiet voice outside the classroom or using a little sarcasm seems to be pretty effective. Also I think it is true to some degree that if you are/or look like you are enjoying yourself when teaching then you will have a much easier time of it. As far as love life goes, I am in a very similar position to you - don't have any tips there, even my mother has given up now!

Middle School, simply put, is hard on even the best teachers.

I've heard it said that the teacher may learn more from the students than the students learn from the teacher. Or something like that, anyway.
And also, that the best teacher is the student that never stops learning.
I think it's reasonable to expect a person's teaching style to develop continuously throughout their career, you can't rush experience.