Maintaining friendships

Post Reply New Topic

How do you do it?

I find it difficult to keep in contact with female friends and although there is much more to it, that seems to be a common reason that my friendships don't last.

Sometimes it doesn't occur to me to contact the person or I feel the pressure of saying the right thing/don't know what to say and then procrastinate, this leaves people feeling taken for granted, the tension gets worse, and the friendship can't be salvaged.

I have thought about not being friends with anyone for simplicity sake but I do want friendships, maybe a different type of friendship like a few acquaintances would be more sustainable, the compromise being occasional company instead of friendship.

On the whole I find friendships with men to be simpler, but sometimes I just miss female friendships.

Can anyone relate?

I can relate, but don't have any further insight on "how to do it."

Deleted text (delete tab, no longer accessible) upon realizing it's irrelevance.

I just had this thought, after re-reading your post. What if, in the initial stage of your friendship, you let the person/new friend know that you, periodically, take time away for solitude (or whatever reason you wish to give them). This way, they will understand, if you are away for some time. Their response to this will show you whether or not they are the type of person/friend who would still be around, upon your return. This would be helpful, I think, to both of you, particularly, if they've said something that requires extended time to process/figure out how you wish to respond to them, which would, likely, put you at ease, knowing your absence wouldn't have a negative impact on your friendship.

^It's an idea worth trying, thank you Britte. At least there wouldn't a be personal investment in something that would likely disappoint/cause resentment in the medium-long term.

Thanks for your response quiet water

Amity: why don't you just express regard for the person, say that the person is nice, and is pleasant to be around.

Then, when you're having a conversation, make a mention of how you like solitude sometimes. You don't have to put it bluntly, though. Just say that you like to do art, or to write poetry, and that you need to be alone to ponder your creativity.

If you told somebody, directly, that you "need solitude," some people would take it the wrong way.

Yes, having an indirect way to say that I will be unavailable from time to time would be more sensitive to another womans feelings.

Thanks Kraftie!

edit: delete_again, my post seemed irrelevant after review.

These days my executive functioning in just running my life is so bad, that all I can commit myself to are just acquaintanceships in which there are no particular expectations to actively spend social time together in a formal, appointment-style way, the way it can sometimes feel like with a full-blown friend.

I've had close friends in the past but I feel like I don't have time for that level of involvement now. So there in the parklands I visit for my special interest (birds) there are some people who chat with me, and a few of them have become acquaintances who will stop to chat if or when they see me there. It's catch-as-catch-can and that's about all I can handle at this point in my situation.

If any of them actually set a "date" to meet up with me or have me over I wouldn't feel happy about that and I wouldn't know how to tell them I need a lot of alone time. I used to socialize a lot more but like I say, these days I can't handle it and don't want full friendship that demands a lot of time spent.

Plus, it doesn't come up as a problem that much for me, as female friends at my age are usually married and don't tend to want to spend as much time with single female friends anyway -- married couples tend to befriend other married couples.

To keep in touch, you might try regularly e-mailing or texting just a "Hi, just catching up with ya, how's things going? My latest news is ...." etc. and deciding to do this at set points, like once a month or twice depending on how close the friendship is. Make it a kind of calendar reminder thing to do this at regular intervals to each person you fear losing touch with.

I can definitely relate. I tend to tell myself I don't want or need friends as a consequence, but deep down I think I need somebody.

I agree with other posters, you should try telling new/prospective friends that you sometimes like to take a time-out and might fall off the radar for a while. I hardly ever look at or reply too my phone (I find it a very invasive presence in my alone time), so I am often slow to text people back. I've found if I warn people about this, they are generally understanding, whereas if I don't, they think I'm ignoring/neglecting them and get annoyed or hurt at me. You don't have to disclose AS either, I just say "oh, I'm useless with my phone".

Maintaining friendships is tough when you don't see the other person frequently but if you can build an understanding like this, you'll have a much better shot. Especially because any prospective friends will need to accept all of you, autism and all, if you do become friends long-term.

i think the type of person you try to befriend matters more than what you try to do about the friendship. look for people who won't mind (or ideally will appreciate) your peculiarities

i think telling/warning in advance may not be a very good strategy overall. i think lightheartedly apologizing for a semi-deliberate "small offense" (and implying that it's just the way it is with you) works better. that way you can see how the person reacts. if you flat-out say it before it happens, it becomes something that the person needs to consciously respect, and it will probably make them more guarded with you

Friendships should not be so complicated!

If you want to get together, you get together.

If you feel like doing something else, you do something else.

It's not like you're committed to each other!

Sometimes, I lose contact with somebody for YEARS--yet, when I do contact the person, it seems like old times.

What applies to lovers shouldn't apply to friends. Friends should give each other much leeway.

It would be nice to remember birthdays and such--but, sometimes, it's not in the cards. If a person doesn't remember your birthday, just remind that person.

If a friend worries about another friend, that should be communicated. It would be nice, even morally upright, if the friend reassures the other friend that all is well. But it shouldn't be made obligatory.

Sometimes, friendship become too much like committed relationships!

^You could be right Kraftie... I know I am over thinking this.

Im frustrated with myself for making these mistakes over and over, want to figure it out and stop. Make life a bit simpler.

I don't see what you are doing, as 'over-thinking'. I see it as problem-solving / learning /developing awareness and understanding, and other such things. You are being constructive. We exist in a world of vast differences. Our brains are wired in a variety of different ways. We have a far better chance of 'maintaining friendships' when we possess awareness. I think seeking knowledge is productive. You are looking for ways to improve something that matters to you.