So scared, help!!

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That's more or less how we would be living, ironically. It suits us both fine now not having a car as we walk everywhere - we're both dedicated 'greenies' as they say - but with a child, that wouldn't work. When we do get a car we want it to be as eco-friendly as possible, and that means it would be expensive. We want to wait a few years and see how technology progresses; ethanol and other 'eco-friendly' oils are so damaging to the environment it's untrue. As for the apartment, well, it's tiny but we manage somehow. Again, we couldn't with a child as there simply isn't the room.

Finishing university after a two-year break wouldn't happen. One, because neither of us can take breaks from our courses, and two, because university costs money. A lot of money. When you combine the cost of that - which we barely cover - with the cost of having a baby to take care of (you can say money doesn't matter as much as you like, but the fact is it does. A lot.), then something would have to give, and that would be the study. Which would mean much lower-income jobs, potential government handouts... not something I want to do.

Also, I don't want my child in daycare or nursery. Perhaps for a year or so, but I want to bring my child up with the full love and support and attention it deserves. I know there's nothing wrong with nurseries, and I think a day or two a week could be beneficial if we find the right one, but I don't want to have to rely on that to raise my child all day every day so I can keep up with the bills. I want to enjoy her childhood.

There wouldn't be familial help either at present as we're studying a long way from both our families - over a day's travel, in fact, and expensive. Sure, they'd be on the other end of the phone, but not where we live. I grew up in a large family and with plenty of people around all the time, as did my partner, and that's exactly what I want for my baby. Right now, it wouldn't happen.



This simply isn't the time, and I know that, and I think this child knows that. You can't destroy a soul. This is simply something I have to go through to learn whatever lesson is here to be learnt (no protection gags, please) and to grow from it. I'll no doubt be able to use it in my job in a few years time, and although I can't see the reason for this now, there is a reason somewhere. There's a purpose behind everything, even if we can't see it right away. God knows what's right and what's meant to be.



Now, back to my real question, does anyone else have any experience or any idea of what they do etc? I'm so scared and it's getting closer to the day and I just don't know what to do with myself! I'm taking a lot of homoeopathics to calm me down, which are working to an extent, but it's still not enough.
<sigh>



Leah

As far as I know, they actually take birthdates as the date of conception in parts of China (at least, according to a Chinese friend of mine whose birthday is her conception day!).

I have my first exam tomorrow, with the scan and possible internal too...

Hmn. ..


My viewpoint on what is right to do here is different from yours; this is just my perspective, but I don't understand how your mothering instinct is so strong that you feel compelled to destroy the fetus rather than give it a bountiful life with someone else.


I wish for you the best of health, safety, and peace in this very difficult time, regardless of our differences of opinion about your very personal choice.

Well, I did it. This morning.

Physically, I feel fine. I'm exhausted though, I'm not sure whether that's from the enormous meltdown I had prior to the anaesthetic or the anaesthetic itself. I don't know if they'd have ever seen anything like that. Thank goodness I don't have to see them again, and thank goodness I warned them I have Aspergers and this could happen - I remember the nurse who was trying to calm me down explaining it to the anaesthetist that I have it and that'll be why I was having a meltdown, it made it much easier for them to deal with. Nevermind.

I feel kinda hollow. I don't know how I should feel. I just feel... nothing. But I'm incredibly relieved that I don't have to raise a child in circumstances that will put her at a disadvantage from the beginning. She'll be back in a few years when we're ready for her.

That would be great. Though I was enjoying being pregnant, knowing something was growing inside me was kinda nice. Made me feel like I had a purpose and have a purpose. It was a nice taster!

And I didn't really know it was a girl, but I know, if that makes sense. Call it gut instinct.

I just read through the whole thread. Glad to hear that you got through ok, Leah; it sounds like you handled things quite well, all things considered. I'm glad that your partner was supportive.

For future reference, it sounds like you have pretty strong reactions to the hormones involved with pregnancy (that's basically what birth control pills are), and that may be part of why you felt so panicked and out-of-sorts. When you do decide to have kids, make sure that your partner and doctor know what to expect!

I am.

You know what though?

(Sorry, really needing to vent).

The thing that I think I'm most traumatised over is the meltdown I had prior to the surgery. I very rarely do that in public, and never to the extent I did yesterday, it was the worst I've ever been. I was just under so much pressure and so much stress, and I warned them at the first appointment that I have Aspergers and to please let the doctors know as something like that could happen and I want to them to be aware of it, so they did... thank goodness. I first burst into tears when the first nurse spoke to me, but she calmed me down well, she was lovely. Then I froze on the way into theatre. I just couldn't move. I'd told them over and over I'm ok, but I get very, very anxious, and not to mistake my silence for calm. And then I sat on the bed and let rip, it just all got too much. I was screaming, crying hysterically, rocking, shaking, pulling my hair, rubbing my knees, rubbing my face, gasping because I couldn't breathe... it was so awful. I felt like my body just took over and all the stress came out and I couldn't control it. The anaesthetist was asking if I wanted to go through with it, and I did, I really did, and I said that. The nurse read the notes and I remember her going over to him and whispering that I had Aspergers, and then explaining what it was, and then her holding me and telling me to look at her and to calm down and it'll all be ok... but I couldn't tell her that looking her in the eyes was just going to make it so much harder. I think it was the total loss of control, not being able to control what was happening, and not having any real choice in the matter. It was just so awful.

Ugh.

I just haven't ever been in that situation before, and never with people knowing I have AS and that that's the problem. It was sort of a relief that they knew why, but I just felt really stupid and really small and like someone with a disability for the first time in my life.

I feel like half the exhaustion today is from that meltdown, rather than the procedure itself.

Just needed to vent.