What exactly does it mean to be Asexual?

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28 Dec 2008, 4:57 am

Sexuality is something I've been reading up about quite a bit, and asexuality interests me quite a bit (based on the fact that it is somewhat different). However, I can't find any infomation on exactly what it means to be asexual. All I've been able to find is that your not attracted to either sexes, but does it just stop there? Or does it mean that you have no sexual desire what so ever.

I really would like to know. It baffles me.

atari2600a
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28 Dec 2008, 5:05 am

Most definitions define it as a spectrum; some don't marry, while others marry & have limited or no sex. (by limited I mean to keep the partner happy)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

Please note that there is somewhat of a link between Asexuality & ASD.

I, on the other hand, have a more than healthy heterosexual libido ! I just wish I could say the same about my success w/ females...

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28 Dec 2008, 5:58 am

I'm a bit confused by it too - I have a sex drive as in I have strong needs to er...'relieve some sexual frustration' but I have very little attraction anyone or indeed a need to be with anyone in a sexual relationship, unlike most other people I know.

In fact I find nudity a turn-off and I'm terrified of having sex and even moe terrified of having sex and getting pregnant.

But I do have a sex drive of sorts and I do occasioanlly have a passing attraction to men (usually only in films or TV programmess though).

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poopylungstuffing
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28 Dec 2008, 8:46 am

I don't know much about asexuality either..
I suspect that it really must be a spectrum.

I also wonder whether it is possible to be asexual and not know it.
I imagine that having a libido is a sort of natural biological function that humans have..Do asexual people not have a libido?

We get programmed from an early age by society from witnessing all these displays of romance and human sexuality in movies and television and cartoons....(.having a hard time articulating here)...and so it is possible to internalise some of that stuff. Society expects people to be attracted to other people the way the little animals grew up and hooked up with other little animals on Bambi....Barbie has Ken....and so on.
(still having a hard time articulating)

I learned about sexuality in a very akward roundabout way. When I was a little girl I was very androgynous....but I have always sorta gotten along better with boys..and since I am a female...certain inevitabilities have arisen in different forms.

Howyousay...I am heterosexual, but there seems to be a difference between the way that I am and the way that some more "normal" people seem to be...

I also suspect that my mom might be at least somewhat asexual.

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28 Dec 2008, 1:16 pm

I can be very aesthetically and emotionally attracted to men (usually ones on TV) but I have no desire whatsoever to have sex. I have a lot of difficulty understanding what the point would be or what I would really get out of it apart from a few seconds of purely physical satisfaction, like scratching an itch - i.e., why would it be so essential to make a relationship complete? What would sex really add that couldn't be obtained from affectionate touch and the mental/emotional companionship?

I therefore describe my orientation as 'heterosocial'.

Perhaps the reason might be connected to my feeling androgynous to a degree - not 100% comfortable with a female body or a female identity. I would never want to change sex, though, as I wouldn't feel any more comfortable with a male body. I always felt that I should be 'neutral'.

Asexuality and AS are certainly not co-morbid - there are plenty of Aspies who are very sexual. But there does seem to be a slightly higher number of asexuals found among Aspies than among NTs. I believe there was a poll here a while ago regarding orientation, and around 16% identified as asexual. In contrast, a similar poll I saw on a regular board frequented mostly by NTs recorded only 1-2% identifying as asexual.

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28 Dec 2008, 6:06 pm

I guess I belong with the "confused". I know I'm not 100% asexual but it would never occur to me to seek out sex outside a relationship. I don't feel like it's an urge that needs to be satiated, like hunger or thirst. it's great, but I could live without it.

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Amicitia
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28 Dec 2008, 10:42 pm

poopylungstuffing wrote:

I imagine that having a libido is a sort of natural biological function that humans have..Do asexual people not have a libido?

I don't seem to have one. I'm not interested in sex, I can't imagine enjoying it, and I don't understand why other people expend so much time and energy thinking about it and trying to have it. (Although I understand that these other people would be equally baffled by my feelings, if they knew.)

Like Hovis, I can imagine being in a relationship and being completely satisfied without ever going beyond cuddling. Although, oddly, I can't imagine being in a long-term exclusive relationship with only one person. And I'm not sure whether I care about the gender of my hypothetical partners. I mean, if we're not going to do anything that involves the differentiated parts of human anatomy, then it doesn't matter what kind of body the mind I'm attracted to is living in.

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28 Dec 2008, 11:25 pm

Quote:

Or does it mean that you have no sexual desire what so ever.

I'm thinking it means you have no desire, or at least lack the motivation, to pursue a sexual partner/relationship.

http://sophia.smith.edu/pse/abstinence.html wrote:

Many asexuals can see that other people are aesthetically attractive to them but see this beauty as no different from looking at a beautiful painting or a stunning sunset. Others might find other people sexually attractive. These asexuals have a low sexual intensity, while they are aware of their attractions they are not motivated to act upon them further than looking. The important distinction between asexual people and sexual people is that asexuals are not motivated to be sexual with the people they find physically attractive(and may not find anyone physically attractive at all).

http://www.asexuality.org/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=section&id=6&Itemid=28 wrote:

Overview

An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community, each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research.

Relationships
Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.

Sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of the same basic stuff. Communication, closeness, fun, humor, excitement and trust all happen just as much in sexual relationships as in nonsexual ones. Unlike sexual people, asexual people are given few expectations about the way that our intimate relationships will work. Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in a nonsexual relationships can be challenging, but free of sexual expectations we can form relationships in ways that are grounded in our individual needs and desires.

Attraction
Many asexual people experience attraction, but we feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as gay, bi, or straight.

Arousal
For some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Because we don’t care about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure.

Note: People do not need sexual arousal to be healthy, but in a minority of cases a lack of arousal can be the symptom of a more serious medical condition. If you do not experience sexual arousal or if you suddenly lose interest in sex you should probably check with a doctor just to be safe.

Identity
Most people on AVEN have been asexual for our entire lives. Just as people will rarely and unexpectedly go from being straight to gay, asexual people will rarely and unexpectedly become sexual or vice versa. Another small minority will think of themselves as asexual for a brief period of time while exploring and questioning their own sexuality.

There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity- at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so.

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Hovis
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29 Dec 2008, 1:43 am

mikebw wrote:

http://sophia.smith.edu/pse/abstinence.html wrote:

I suppose that the latter might describe me. I can tell that there is a difference between my response to an object I find aesthetically pleasing and that to a man I find attractive, but, as I say, I have difficulty understanding what the point of having sex with him would be. I'm not sure what it is that I'd want out of a relationship - emotional closeness and to spend a lot of time with the person, I imagine.

It baffles me why so much importance is put on sex; why people are so desperate to get it, why having sexual difficulties is seen as such a crisis and can cause relationships/marriages to break down completely. I can see logically how it might be a physically enjoyable activity, but why is not having had sex for a year any different than not having been to a football game for a year?

FieryGatoh
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29 Dec 2008, 3:04 am

It sounds alot like me to be honest. Crap, now I have another issue to deal with :roll:

I have never been able to understand the importance that people have placed on sex. I don't see it as much different than any other enjoyable activity, a little more enjoyable to some perhaps, but the same nevertheless. Or why my friends are so attracted to people whom they have never even spoken to.

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29 Dec 2008, 6:06 am

mikebw wrote:

http://www.asexuality.org/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=section&id=6&Itemid=28 wrote:

Arousal
For some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Because we don’t care about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure.

Aha! Thanks for this. It still doesn't make it properly clear for me, but it's helped.

I do get aroused (rarely by people*) but I have no deire for sex. I do have a desire (sometimes) to hold bodies (fully clothed) close together and cuddle tightly in a big hug. I very rarely have a desire to go a little further and kind of 'move with them' (not sure how to put this). Never have I had the desire for sex. I have only been properly aroused about twice (where I feel it 'down there') whereas mostly it's a sort of deep love instead (sort of in my heart).

I do ma****b*te (sorry, I hate that word) to relieve sexual tension/frustration/whatever it's called that I feel the need to release.

I can, also rarely, find people aesthetically pleasing with no desire for anything more than looking. I can, even more rarely, find a female attractive (as I said - very rarely as I hate the female form), but this is NEVER sexual at all, not even remotely. If this happens t's usually the face, especially if she has short hair and very little makeup.

I hope this makes sense.

*In this where I say 'people' I mean men but if I say things like 'I rarely get aroused by men' it begs the question 'but what about women?' but I am heterosexual.

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29 Dec 2008, 6:57 am

Further to my previous post, if I were to be really specific, I would probably define myself as 'heterosexual hyposexual', 'hypoheterosexual' or 'heterohyposexual'!

I suppose I could also use terms like 'heteroamorous' and, having read the following, 'heterosexual asexual':

asexuality.org wrote:

I identify as (straight/gay/bi/something else), but I still fit your definition of asexuality. Am I wrong?

No you're not wrong. Many asexuals with 'romance drives' also have an orientation (they only fall for certain types of people). Some asexuals may decide only to form relationships with a certain type of person for some intellectual reason, or it could be a simple preference like preferring chocolate flavour to strawberry. Other asexuals identify as bisexual because their asexual relationships are not based upon gender (chocolate and strawberry both being very tasty). Asexuals might form unconventional relationships and therefore identify as polyamorous or queer.

There is no reason why you have to identify as just one thing. You could decide to identify as a bi asexual or as polyamorous and asexual or as an asexual polyamorous bi person... or you could make up your own entirely new identity. But remember, whether or not you fit the definition of asexuality, you're welcome in the asexual community.

Greyhound
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29 Dec 2008, 7:15 am

Sorry to keep posting, but I also found this:
http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.ph ... ABCD_types

I would say I am type C, i.e. I have a sex drive (as in I feel the need to m*****b*te) and I (rarely) experience other forms of attraction, but I have no desire to express the sex drive with people. How about eveyone else?

Amicitia
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29 Dec 2008, 5:36 pm

Um... maybe a weak type B? I'm not sure whether I experience any kind of attraction that goes beyond wanting to be friends, but the idea isn't completely alien to me, so maybe I'm just extraordinarily picky and haven't found the right person yet.

FieryGatoh
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30 Dec 2008, 3:07 am

Either A or B I think. Possibly D.

I don't really understand the different between sex drive and romantic attraction XD At least, not in a way that allows me to figure out which I am.

More likely A, I think.

Alicat1989
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30 Dec 2008, 7:54 pm

gonna sound stupid here but i thought asexual ment u didnt care wot sex it was and u'd have sex wiv everything lol.

now found thats bisexual which is wot i am.

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