Finally getting some support - worries & questions

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So ... it's been a difficult few months - regular serious self harm/suicide attempts requiring hospital treatment, two weeks in a psychiatric hospital (I keep meaning to write something about this as it might help folk who are facing similar), another extended period of sick leave from work (17th August to 27th November - now on phased return prompted by my salary being reduced by 50% because I'd had so much sick leave), new medication etc etc.

Finally this week I received two appointment letters. One for a specialist psychotherapy appointment (which I have been on the NHS waiting list for since March), and one from the local autistic society regarding a meeting to set up 1-to-1 support for me (I have been waiting since June for this, and will be paying for it using the DLA I was somehow awarded).

Thing is ... I am terrified of these appointments and can't see how they will help. I have spent so long trying to deal with this on my own, and succeeded until 2 years ago when for some reason things started falling apart. I feel like I should be able to pull myself together and get things back on track by myself.

The psychotherapy is supposed to be for my BPD (which the austism specialist says I don't have ...) and the idea of the 1-to-1 support is described below (from report by autism specialist).

Hello Yellowbanana. I have no idea how support workers work, but I am curious about how it will work out for you.

I have had therapy before, where I had to talk to a therapist, but it did not work well. I didn't know what to say or do and the therapist kept looking at me and nodding and saying 'hm' which really got on my nerves!

I have also had practical support in the past, and that was very effective.
I had a very bad episode, was depressed and stressed and could not work and my house was a mess and I had run out of money too. I then voluntarily got this person who is supposed to do your money things for you - don't know what it is called in English. It was not fun, because I only got a little bit of cash money to spend each week, but it worked well and I soon had no money worries anymore, and better, I did not have to keep track of all the things I needed to do with my finances.
My mother helped with the housekeeping. Not with the actual work, but she told me what needed doing and how much time to spend on every aspect. I used to spend days organizing books in a cupboard and the rest of the house would be filthy.
At work they were already quite good, especially my boss. I was not forced to have lunch with colleagues and such, and he made a few other exceptions for me. Perhaps that was because it was a school for kids with special needs.

Those things helped a lot and I got better, while therapy only made things worse. So if I were you I'd try to get them to give you practical support instead of social/emotional help. But you could be different to me of course.

I completely understand where you are coming from with the worries and anxiety with a support worker. Within the last couple of months, I've started getting a support worker at work from my local autism society and funded by Access to Work- why don't you look for funding like this instead of paying for it through your DLA?

Any way, I had severe anxiety about it all, and was really concerned about how it would go. I am lucky as my support worker is really nice, knows all about both autism and my type of work, and so although I still find it very hard, things are getting easier.
She comes in once a week, and we have a chat about how things are going, any problems etc. She has a chat after to my boss, who has been very supportive (luckily) and so it means that things are finally getting better. After our chat, she then helps me to organise myself so that I don't get so overwhelmed and then we get cracking with some of the work I have to do.

For me, the support came about after I was on the verge of breakdown in the spring with severe depression, major anxiety and panic attacks and just not coping with anything at all. I needed help, but being an aspie I found it hard to ask for it. I'm not entirely sure how I managed it, but I only ended up being off work for 4 days. But everythiing fell to pieces at work, and I failed my appraisal in July. That's where all the support came in, with OH suggesting the Access to Work route. I had a workplace assessment, report written and now finally have funding for support.

Regarding the CBT, expect it to be hard to start with. Use it for talking about problems, how you feel and things that you just can't tell anyone else. I had CBT for about 6 months, just finished, and I found that for the first 2 months it made things worse and I was close to tears most of the time. After that, once I got used to being able to express myself to a stranger, I foound that things got considerably better in my life as I could talk about things that I just could not talk about with friends or family. I was diagnosed with PTSD through this following a horrible hospital experience that I'd bottled up for 6 months, and then got the ASD referral pushed through as well.
In addition to the NHS therapy, I also see an AS specialist therapist, which really helps too as it means I have someone who understands the AS side of things, not just the mental health issues.

I spent 24 years of my life attempting to cope with things on my own. Like you, it ended badly. I now realise that I just can't do it by myself, however much I want to. It has taken me a couple of years to realise this, and a depression hell that I never want to go back to. I need help and support. I have to face up to that. If I want to attempt to live independently and to go to work, then I need support in doing it. It is the only way that I can have a life somewhat ressembling what I want. Now, I finally embrace the help I am given, as I can see how much it does help me.

Yellow Banana, if you have the chance to get some support, then go for it. It might not feel good now, it might be really scary, but things will get better. It takes time, and we do all need support sometimes. Make the most of it, and see if it helps. Give it a try for a few months, and see how things go. Don't give up.
If you have this meeting with lots of people, write down some of your difficulties first so that you can express your self when you are stressed, and give them the piece of paper if you need to- I did in my first meeting!

PM me if you need to.

Take care!