How do I get out of this social event without being rude?

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Tomorrow night a classmate of mine (the one I socialise with the most at university) is having a "housewarming party". I'm invited but I don't want to go. When she invited me in the beginning of the week I told her I'd think about it but I already knew I didn't really want to attend. There are several reasons for me not wanting to go:

1. It's on a Sunday night and I start working at 9am on Monday morning (I work full-time in a lab at university this summer).

2. The majority of the people attending are people I don't know. I've never met them before and I'm really not that good at meeting new people. I get all anxious, quiet and extremely uncomfortable. Since the party is on Sunday night and I work the morning after I can't really drink alcohol (since I don't want to be hungover at work) and alcohol is pretty much a necessity if I want to survive a social event like that (and even with alcohol in my system I'm still often uncomfortable and often don't enjoy being there).

3. I've worked 40 hours this week. I'm exhausted. I just want to be by myself, read books, think and watch TV-series without talking to anyone "in real life". I want to rest.

4. I don't really like parties. I enjoy the occasional one (if I'm comfortable with the people there) but that's quite rare.

So, I simply don't want to go but I don't know how to tell my classmate that. I suspect she'll get quite disappointed and since I'm always really worried about messing up socially I worry I'll come across as rude or something by telling her I won't be attending her party.

What do I tell her? I don't want to lie but I don't want to be a disappointment either.

(She doesn't know I have AS.)

You should definitely tell her about the job in the morning. That is a very valid reason to not stay up late. And even if you do go, you always have a reason to leave early and not drink. I think that's something she should understand most. But I'm not sure.

I second iliketrees -- having to get out to your job in the morning without feeling hungover or not having enough sleep is a super-valid reason not to attend a party that takes place on a Sunday night.

It's a lot of why most parties aren't on Sunday, but preferably Saturday night or Friday. Lots of people have work on Monday and can't be staying out late the night before.

You could tell her something like:
"I feel really bad about saying no, because I don't want to seem rude and I feel like it's rude but -- I have work the next morning and I've had a really rough week already, and I just know that if I don't get to bed early that night it's going to hit me hard on Monday morning at work. I hate to turn down your invite but this week has been a doozy and I'm collapsing already right now. I hope it's a great party and you can forgive me for being so pooped!"

When you're honest about feeling bad about something, but you explain you're genuinely suffering from a heavy week and feel like you need an early night in order to be ready for work again on Monday, most reasonable people should understand that right away and not give you a hard time about it.

I agree with both of you. That's definitely what I'd say if it wasn't for two things:

1. I know for a fact that other people (at least one person) work on Monday too so perhaps my classmate will think it's weird that I'm not attending when the others are.

2. When I got invited to the party my classmate said "I know you're working on Monday so you obviously don't have to drink on Sunday but it would be nice if you showed up on anyway."

Not sure what to say.

Hmm, that's where things get trickier, the fact that others who are going to attend also work on Monday so the assumption is, why can't you too?

This is the part where, in an ideal world, the other person should realize that not everyone is the same even when their practical situations look identical on paper. But sadly a lot of people never seem to want to acknowledge that what one person is willing or able to handle is not something the other person can live like.

For example this kind of reasoning: "Rebbieh has work at 9am Monday, Bob also has work at 9am Monday -- but Bob's going to be there drinking and smoking and going to bed at 2am and will be just fine, so why can't Rebbieh?"

It's possible your friend will take that line of thinking. So maybe you could pre-empt that thought by actually kind of raising that issue ahead of the game, by saying something like "I know, I must seem like a lightweight, since I know Bob has work too and he's going to be partying up a storm!" (Or just generally allude to knowing that others have work too the next day).

But what I mean is, allude to the fact that you know you're not the only one with work the next day, but acknowledge that you don't think you'll be up for handling it the way they seem to -- if you can almost crack a joke about yourself compared to their "superpowers" of partying and getting up early next day.

Emphasize the particularly bad week you've just had, in that it was an unusually long-houred, heavy and exhausting one for you, as that could help to make a distinction between the other Monday workers and yourself -- hoping that they just had an average week, that is.

It's a shame when people's expectations hinge on what others in similar situations can do, as everyone is different, not just with ASD but even in the NT world.

Edit --- on the other hand....

I'm thinking that maybe explaining more about your social anxieties might have to be necessary, in order to not have this keep coming up in the future.

Your work on Monday morning is a real thing and a legitimate and truthful reason why you can't attend.

But perhaps you could share with your friend that, in addition, you also have social discomfort among groups of people, and it might be okay if you were feeling well rested and up for it, but this week you are feeling particularly stressed, burned out and fragile.

You've just been through an exhausting week and the timing is unfortunate, because you feel your stress levels are too high to have fun this time.

I know that's a lot to "put out there" and the person may also find ways to knock holes in that argument too, but it may help her see that you know yourself and you know that you are too burned out right now to really be good with this party. Sometimes this kind of honesty is the best policy as you've laid yourself out on a line, and any reasonable person could see that you really do have a point regarding what you are up to handling.

Yes, tell her a bare-bones, minimal version of how and why you find parties and groups of people can burn you out. The long version is the whole nine yards about being on the spectrum and how it affects one's ability to socialize without feeling strain. The short version is more like "I'm not very good with groups of people and socializing a lot, especially if I'm feeling a bit burned out by being busy beforehand."

Even though a 40 hour week is normal, it's you specifically that finds you have little battery juice left over to cope with socializing too, and you may need to share that difference about yourself in order to let her understand more fully.

By the way, for what it's worth, I'm exactly the same. I only have so much mental, emotional and even physical stamina for what I have to do in my day and my week, including work, and there's nothing left over to cope with the additional stress of socializing --- I need time alone just to recover from everything, from work to chores to shopping for food etc. It's all I can do to get these things done and not burn out.

That's a tough one, but I definitely don't think you should go just to please your friend. Personally I'd explain that I can't go, probably citing work as a reason (just because other people can handle both doesn't mean you can't use that as a reason). Then after explaining that I'd say that you'd really like to hang out with her another time. I'd try to arrange something different with her, like a coffee, meal out or cinema visit.

That way she doesn't feel rejected and you've been able to be assertive about your situation without having to go into detail.

If you choose not to go, I think the advice about saying something self-disparaging is a good idea. Make fun of yourself a little bit, saying you're extra fussy about getting your beauty sleep or something like that, and pat your face or hair while saying so with a big smile.

I don't think it's necessary to go into detail at all about having issues with social gatherings. You don't owe an explanation, and NTs should understand that.

You could also opt to go to "make an appearance" and stay for only 15-20 minutes. You can go in, immediately find your friend, and say, "I really can't stay, but I wanted to come by and say hello and see your place." Then you are making it plain that your only purpose was to please the host and not to socialize with everyone else.

No matter what - popping in for a very short time, or saying "no" to going at all, combine it with a gift. That will communicate "I care about you and this housewarming party", even if you are not a part of the social aspect of it.

I agree that she doesn't owe anyone an explanation regarding the social difficulties, and also that just because others can handle work and socializing doesn't mean it can't still be a reason you yourself would rather not party the night before work.

I also love the idea of making a joke about needing to keep up your "beauty sleep" and diffusing things with self deprecating humor.

The only reason why I wondered about maybe coming clean with an explanation about her social stress -- even though it's absolutely true she owes no one an explanation -- is only because if this friend makes more invites to similar parties in the future, she's going to start wondering why rebbieh is always unable to attend.

Thus, it may clear things up in one go if rebbieh simply explains in simple terms upfront that something about her is that she finds social gatherings a bit more taxing on her energies than many people normally do.

She doesn't have to go this route, certainly. But I put it forward as another option that might help clarify a lot of things for the friend, especially if things like this might come up again.

Just another option for the future avoidance of building resentments or misunderstandings.

Not sure some kind of joke would work. It's not something I'd normally do. I mean, I can be funny and I can make jokes but I think me saying something like "I need my beauty sleep" would probably come across as an obvious bad excuse.

I'm not going to just show up at her apartment for a few minutes. That'd be awkward. I will, however, ask her if she wants to hang out some other time.

Also, why would I buy my classmate a gift if I'm not going to the party? I understand perhaps getting her something if I'd actually attend the party but I don't really get not going and still buying her something. Do people really do that?

Nerdygirl offers gracious advice.

Grace is more important than you think. Simple acts of kindness, no matter how "superfluous" they might seem, go a long a way toward establishing good will.

If you can't afford the gift, you can't afford the gift--don't fuss about the gift.

I'm one who would avoid social occasions at the drop of a hat. But maybe, this time, it might be better if you did the "showing up, then splitting soon after" thing.

I know this is "NT-type" aggravating--and seems superfluous to us philosophical Aspies

But, sometimes, in order to maintain friendships, these sorts of things have to be done.

When I was a teenager and knew something had to change or there wasn't much more life for me, I made a rule for myself to always go when in a situation like this. So far, many good things have come from this and it has almost never been a mistake to go.

I may tell someone, I really need to rest on Sunday night, so I will just stop by for a few minutes and then actually do that. That sometimes surprises people because they think "a few minutes" is a euphemism for "I'll leave a bit early." But I generally mean I will come, greet people for 5 minutes, try to find some way of engaging with people for 15-20 minutes, make my farewells and go.

People don't understand why a person would go to the trouble of going somewhere, perhaps spending 30-40 minutes travelling, only to leave after 20-30 minutes to make the same trip back. The answer is that it's enough to strengthen social connections with people and let them know that I care about them, but not so much that it kills me, though it is tiring.

I never want to go, but I try to go because this kind of invitation isn't really that common and when someone makes the effort to invite me, I know that it's worth making the effort to accept and go.

Every once in a while, I have a bad time following this rule, but if the people are unfriendly or rude or too drunk or whatever, I just leave faster.

I have been married for a long time (I would never have gotten married if I wasn't making myself do this kind of thing) and that makes it a bit easier. If my wife wants to go, I go. If she doesn't, I don't. But if she is away and I have to make the decision by myself, I follow the rule: always go.

Rather than looking for a way out, I would try to make myself go and then leave early. But maybe that's just me, and a vestige of my desperate and lonely adolescence.