My Mum thinks I'm autistic, so misinterpreting abusive past

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I don't really have a specific question. I know you aren't professionals, and I know also that forums must get pretty sick of all the "hey am I X" threads. This has just thrown me and I don't know how to feel about it or respond to it, really.

Just to put in context, whilst being irrelevant to this forum - I have some dodgy childhood events, e.g. when my Dad strangled me for going to bed late, I went to my Mum for help. Who had me apologising for disturbing her, and punished me by not letting me sleep.

Yesterday my Mum suggested that I am misinterpreting things, and that actually I'm autistic and don't understand what happened. She said that the reason why was that she had seen a programme on autistic speech patterns and that it resembled me as a kid, and that she thinks I'm not recognising her emotions.

Half the people I've ever got on well with have been autistic, and if I was autistic as well, you'd have thought that they'd have mentioned it? Seems unlikely to have got this far (I'm 25) without anyone saying anything.

I asked my (non-autistic) ex, who replied:

"You do have some autistic quirks like disliking looking at people in the eyes, rocking back and forth sometimes, not a great grasp on social interaction, fidgeting.
But I don't think they are exclusive to autism?"

I did the AQ test and scored 31... So, maybe?

It's possible that what I've always thought is social anxiety could be mild autism. I struggle a lot in social situations, and don't really have friends. I do a lot better when there's structure (e.g. I can give prepared presentations no problem), but can't manage well when the structure is implicit (very social, just chatting, etc.) - it's like everyone else is working from a rulebook that nobody gave to me.

(When I do talk, it tends to be me just throwing information at people at high speed. Like when previous boss was alone in a car with me for hours, so I told him everything he could ever need to know about arachnid mating habits. Realised much later that he may not have been interested!)

If the social issues were autism rather than social anxiety, then maybe other little quirks could be part of it?

In childhood, I refused to allow things to change (e.g. replacing curtains, changing crisp brand), had a set of things I had to do around the room each night to go to bed, and I was a fussy eater (even then would separate food rather than eating it mixed).
I'm not very good at recognising my emotions, which I thought was part of a defence mechanism to do with how I was treated in childhood - but maybe isn't, because I'm not good at reading other people's either. I flick my middle finger against my thumb when I get stressed or excited, is that stimming?

But maybe I'm now overthinking it.

I don't know how to respond to being told this and where to go from here. Any responses highly appreciated.

You seem to show some autistic traits - it is quite common that girls with mild autism go unrecognised far into adulthood.
But your childhood history of abuse is a totally different problem. You may have interpreted something differently but being strangled and having nowhere to escape is obviously abusive situation.
It may have been that your traits triggered this behavior in your parents but they were the abusers, anyway.

It’s possible you’re autistic.

If it would benefit you, why not get an assessment.

It’s nothing shameful, autism. But don’t inform the whole world that you might be autistic. People tend to get stupid about it.

Charles Darwin, when he was younger, REALLY got into barnacles. He got lucky when he met a woman with similar interests.

About the abuse: it’s quite possible your parents are in denial, or maybe even have no memory of it. They might be gaslighting you—but maybe they are not deliberately doing so.

Specifically, don't tell your parents if you're going for an assessment. They don't seem very supportive, at the least, so don't give them more ammo they can use against you.

If it turns out you are autistic, a diagnosis should be for your benefit, not for someone else to tell you you misinterpreted everything that ever happened to you.

I don't think this has to be a case of either/or where either you were abused or you were autistic. It can be both. Autistic people are abused just like everyone else.

I also think it's a bad idea to let someone who abused you be the judge of whether or not it was abuse since they likely have a vested interest in denying it. To me it sounds like they may be right in that you have some traits of autism but that doesn't excuse what they did and that doesn't mean that you interpreted it wrong.

I agree with the person above that said that if you try to seek an assessment, you shouldn't tell your parents about it. It sounds like it would just be used against you and used to justify their actions.

I agree you shouldn’t inform your parents about the assessment.

Just echoing everyone else in saying you have autistic traits, that if you want to know you should be tested, and I wouldn't bring it up with your parents if you do.

Generally, abusers always say things were "just a misunderstanding" and otherwise look for ways to blame the victim. Non-abusers are much more likely to say, "Yeah, I screwed up; sorry" and really mean it. The tricky ones are highly defensive non-abusers (who recognize they did wrong, feel bad about it, and are not likely to do it again, but still hotly deny it), and abusers who make it sound like they're taking responsibility but still manage to blame someone else.

Autistic people may be more easily hurt by more minor incidents, just because those minor incidents are so blasted frequent and the pain cumulative, but they're perfectly capable of recognizing when someone has done something mean. And keeping a kid awake in revenge for them telling you about abuse is not very nice. It's sadly easy to gaslight some people on the spectrum because other people have questioned their perceptions for so long and in so many ways they get out of touch with their own reality.

^^ seconding what the above posters have said. As you describe yourself, you do come across as showing traits. Diagnosis can be helpful to confirm type and degree. But disclosure to anyone you don't know you can trust, especially to those you know you cannot trust, could be a problem.

And yes, I too see your parents as having abused you - which, I'm so sorry, would put them in that cannot-trust category. It seems as though your mother is pushing a diagnosis at you so that she can classify you as somehow "defective" thus deserving of abuse - I am sorry, and I don't intend to cause you pain.

<- I have Aspergers. I self diagnosed that. Seeing a professional as a kid got me nothing. DSM IV screwed me over.

It does seem like your Mom might be bringing up the possibility of autism as a way to either justify abuse or deny it. If your Dad tried to strangle you, that is abuse and there is no mis-interpretation of being strangled. I'm sorry you had to experience these things.

However, there is also the possibility that your Mom might be right regarding autism, no matter the reasons why she brought it up. If you would like to know yourself, you are an adult and can go for an assessment. Go to someone who specializes in diagnosing ASD and has experience doing so in adults. They would also hopefully be able to distinguish between autism and autism-like traits caused by abuse. And I second what the others said - don't tell your parents you are going, and if you do get a diagnosis, think carefully about whether or not you want to tell them. This would be for YOU, not them.

Many thanks to everyone who has replied, I think I've captured the main points below.

^^ seconding what the above posters have said. As you describe yourself, you do come across as showing traits. Diagnosis can be helpful to confirm type and degree. But disclosure to anyone you don't know you can trust, especially to those you know you cannot trust, could be a problem.

And yes, I too see your parents as having abused you - which, I'm so sorry, would put them in that cannot-trust category. It seems as though your mother is pushing a diagnosis at you so that she can classify you as somehow "defective" thus deserving of abuse - I am sorry, and I don't intend to cause you pain.

I do not see enough evidence to have an opinion about your possible autism one way or another. Autistic behaviors often do trigger abusive parents to abuse.

I most do certainly do see you have a number of issues that require professional assistance. Finding the right psychologist especially Adult Autism ones can be difficult. We have members that can give you suggestions.

You are 25 years old an adult. Which means you need to do what is best for you even if your parents disapprove. That they were abusive makes this more of an imperative.

Whether you're autistic or not, their behavior is abusive.

Saying that you're making stuff up or distorting stuff because you're autistic is just another way of trying to invalidate your experience, which is something (TRUST ME) that abusers do all the time.