I need to discuss my feelings in a safe space.

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possible sort of a seperation anxiety ..... not uncommon. it is almost endearing , the degree of attachment you had felt ..but all children must be allowed to grow up and on , on their own .

Kids need more people like you at a vulnerable stage in their life.

I was a troubled kid myself....I would have liked you, but I was too independent to have benefited from you.

Many things that Aspies do often get misinterpreted. As a result it is often wise to proceed with a bit of caution.

You wrote, "I found a way to ease the pain a little bit which I won't go into on here. I told only one friend about and she said I better stop or else I will be in trouble or I could die. I told her that I don't want to die, I just like how for 5-10 minutes a day, I feel energized and more refreshed. The pain is numb during this time and I'm not as worried and sad as I am the rest of the day sometimes."

So if your friend perceives that you could injure yourself or even die as a result of this obsession, this would raise red flags which could result in your immediate dismissal.

Your desires and thoughts are your own, but then again the world can be rather unforgiving. And some things are best to be held deep inside. It is best to exercise caution. Because you will probably make a good teacher and I would not want to see your career cut short.

Based on what I can tell, she didn't break any rules with her employer, client, or anyone else, thus we shouldn't criticize her in that regard. All parties seem happy with her services (ruling out maybe herself as the result of this obsessive behavior). The only trouble she got herself in was by becoming too attached to this person on an emotional level. I think it's important to remember that clients can leave at any time. Even if it seems things are going great, one day you find out that they're moving across the world because of some job opportunity or something that no one has any say over. So it's only realistic to be prepared for that kind of thing. If you aren't emotionally prepared, you may find yourself in a really unpleasant position. Similarly, a provider (teacher, etc) can leave at any time for various reasons. I worked in mental health for a while, and I worked with quite a few clients who became very lost when their therapists, psychiatrists, etc decided to leave the company on a whim (and there was a lot of turnover where I worked). But that does happen, it's life and can't be changed.

So this should just be a lesson in not getting too attached for your own sake (mainly). Of course it'll help everyone if there's less emotional dependency. What you can teach is to be strong and independent, maybe that's the key (and the best way to teach is often by example). It's easier said than done, because people are attracted to such jobs because they do care, they want to be there for others and often they get close to the people they work with and for, and encourage dependencies. There's a middle-ground here where you care for people and feel engaged with them, but define for yourself this work/life balance in a healthy way so that you're emotionally safe. Think about all your students together as a whole and try not to over-focus on anyone. Remember that work is work. People come and people go. If you find yourself feeling really involved with work, play a mental game and picture a situation where things change outside of your control, in ways you wouldn't necessarily like. Teaching must be a hard thing (I've done a bit of it, but the way I interact with others always allows me to detach from them somehow, I don't get too emotionally involved, I see it as a job). I do still sometimes miss people I worked with in the past, because we became friends, but I also appreciate the changes in my life that I've undergone as result of moving on and being independent from them. We shouldn't worry too much about others. We can trust they'll make it on their own without us, that's a way of believing in them.

Thanks Jimmy. I have not openly discussed with anyone except you guys and my friend a few times. I just hope the mentor program is reinstated because then I can at least be there for him once a week playing a more fun roll. I can just visit him, give him a hug or a high five, and bring a fun game for us to play to get his mind off all his middle school stress. Perhaps I do have the anxiety but I don't have nearly all the symptoms. Only the fatigue sometimes, heart racing, a couple of minor headaches last week, and of coarse restlessness. I'm also not sure if phobias contribute to anxiety but I would imagine they do and I have plenty of those but that's a different story. I just feel like I need to cry sometimes and sometimes doing normal tasks is difficult because it takes a lot of energy and fight for me to do them. But like I said, everyday is different. Today for example, was much better than yesterday.
Also, something I forgot to mention which plays into this. I have a business that sells games. I invented a card game. Before any of this, I wasn't really doing much at all with it. I just put it on a website and let it be but it hasn't sold any games at all. Knowing that I was going to have to say goodbye to my buddy and that I was going to have to prepare myself for the pain, I decided to make a plan to get my business really going. So, the very next day after school ended (Saturday), I went to a flea market to inquire about a space to open a small store. Since then, I've applied for a loan, went to the mall to see if a kiosk is a better option (turns out it won't be), hired a designer to redesign the game, and ordered some spinners to sell as well. It's as if this pain is inspiring me to get my a*s moving along with something. I know this is sort of rushed but I'm doing this because spending all day planning this business and deciding what to buy and how to set it up provides a distraction from my emotional pain which is what I try to do. If I stay home and think about it, it's really bad but, most days, if I go out and do something, then I'm not constantly dwelling on it and I can find peace for a bit. I have asked myself if rushing to start a store just because I'm in emotional pain is a good idea and on one hand I thought no but then I thought, yes. I need to get my mind on something positive over the summer so I can feel better both mentally and emotionally. As long as I do it right, it's better than feeling sorry for myself.

I'm going to be more direct about this. You need to distance yourself from the kid NOW and seek therapy for this behavior. Imagine if a man was doing this to a little girl. You would be worried about the behaviors escalating, and that's a very real danger for you, too. No one starts out intending to hurt someone they're obsessed with, but you have to understand that an obsession is inherently a selfish thing. You are not stalking him for his sake. You are trying to fill your own emotional needs. That's not okay.

I don't know you, so this isn't a personal judgement, but any person is capable of doing terrible things when they are acting selfishly. I know you think you care about him, but the nature of that feeling is not rooted in good impulses, or else it would not have turned so unhealthy.

I'm sorry but some of the things you've written strike me as very alarming - signs that you want to justify an escalation of your behavior, which could endanger a child who is already in a very emotionally troubled place and is ripe for exploitation by someone with your tendencies. This behavior can and will escalate if you continue to indulge it. You need to look for professional help NOW and come clean to your employer about this issue. If it happened once it could happen again, and you run the risk of eventually hurting a child. I know you believe that you are incapable of this, that you would rather die than hurt a child, but understand that every evil person starts down that path with the same belief. You need to take steps to protect other people from this behavior and the ways in which it could evolve.

That actually is a very good approach. If you have an obsession that becomes unhealthy, sometimes the way to end it is to develop another obsession, a good obsession, and put all you energy into this new obsession.

Many Aspies exhibit Tics when we are young. Typical examples include hand waving, teeth grinding, rocking movements and nail biting. In some cases, it can involve self-injurious behaviors such as head banging, self-biting, picking at the skin and self-hitting. The best way to end a tic is to develop a new tic and transfer this need to tic to another less obvious tic. If you transfer enough times the need to tic seems to melt away.

Good luck on your new business venture.

Honestly, your relationship with this boy sounds exactly like my relationship with my high school English teacher when I was in 11th and 12th grade. He started off as my forensics coach, then we started to become friends, until he was my mentor and I went to him for everything. I loved him like a father and told him things I'd never tell my parents. He let me cry with him over my parents' divorce, he hugged me every day and called me his "silly rabbit", and when I graduated and went to college, I still went back to the school and visited him twice a week.

The day he told me I couldn't come back and see him anymore because he needed to focus his attention on his current students was one of the hardest days of my life. I was gutted and felt numb and empty for weeks. I grieved his loss as if he had died, and I think that's what you OP are experiencing now, grief over the loss of someone you care about.

It took a long time and a therapist to tell me that my experiences with him weren't appropriate, that he had crossed the line and become more than a teacher, and that his abandoning me wasn't my fault. He tried to be my friend and therapist, which wasn't appropriate in that situation because he was much older than me, was in a position of power over me, and didn't have the clinical experience necessary to handle my emotions and experiences in a professional way.

To this day I still have dreams about him in which he loves me and takes care of me, and I wake up feeling sad and like I'm missing him. It will never be easy to accept this kind of loss, but honestly you'll see in the long run that your little buddy will be okay, and that you have played a big part in making him who he is, and you can be proud of that.

Thank you Jimmy! I'm trying my best to find positive ways to cope. I'm sorry AceofPen but I don't agree and I don't really appreciate my feelings being spun into me being a pedaphile. The fact that I took care of someone who needed me everyday and gave my whole heart to a child who felt so very unloved many times doesn't make me a pedaphile. It also doesn't make me a creepy person just because I'm sad about losing him. Yes I may have said some things that raise some flags, but you're spinning into a sexual thing which it most definitely isn't. Yes I do hold a doll to sleep at night. I admit it. But that's only because cuddling with a childhood doll at night is soothing after a long, tiring day of sadness and heartache. A lot of people sleep with a doll or stuffed animal for comfort. Plus it's not easy sometimes. Sometimes at night my back is itchy and I can't scratch it or my head is sore. I just wish I had someone to console me and make me feel better. But I don't ask for it because I don't want my family to worry. They love me but have their own issues. My mom who had strokes cried yesterday because I said I was hot and accidentally bumped my head on something. Imagine how she'd feel if she knew how bad this is. As for seeking therapy and confronting my employer right away, my principal and his mom already know I put in the papers to be his mentor in the fall. Everyone says it's a great idea because he's going to need someone familiar to transition him to middle school. I don't stalk him on facebook. What I said is that sometimes, every few days, I check out his mom's page to see if his family is up to anything fun. I don't like the posts or anything. The other day for example, I saw that he caught a nice fish with his stepdad. I just sat there and said to myself, "good, at least he's getting outside and doing something fun. He looks happy." and then went on to read other people's things. Also, you mentioned me hurting a child with my love and being on an evil path. Here's how to hurt a child. You hurt them by lying to them. When they say they should hurt themselves because no one loves them and you say "No honey, that's not true, I love you and your family loves you. We'd all be too sad if you hurt yourself." When they say they make you exhausted and there's no point in telling you what they need because you're just going to abandon them just like other adults in their life and you don't care so you say with sincerity "I do care, and I will always be there to support you whenever you need me. You can always trust me." But then you're not, you say goodbye to them and you're not there to support them like you said and they can no longer count on you. YOU LIED and that's what hurts a child! Not signing up for a volunteer program where you play a game and listen to their concerns once a week for a half hour and maybe give them a hug if they're ready to jump off a cliff. Plus you're forgetting, being with him was my job, especially during distance learning. How could I not play many roles with the child when I had to be on with him everyday for several hours until he finished his work. I somewhat see your point about the gender reversal but please don't turn me feeling a little depressed and worried about a kid who got his head bashed into the wall by his brother that I spend tireless hours trying to help into me being a sex offender. I know you didn't say it, but I can read between the lines.

There’s nothing pedophiliac about your relationship. Throughout history, these sorts of relationships were not met with scorn.

President Grover Cleveland was a mentor and legal guardian for the daughter of one of his law partners. When the law partner died, he became sort of her father. After Cleveland’s first wife died, he married this “daughter,” who was by now an adult. This hardly created a scandal during those Victorian times.

I am concerned for your mental health and the child.

I would say at the very minimal you need to speak with a therapist.

What does your profession code of ethics say about working with a child who admits they want to harm themselves?
What is your duty of care?

What are you supposed to do if you are mentally unwell and need support?
What is your duty of care to yourself.

Where is your regular supervision from an experienced professional?

There are so many more questions I would like to ask but these are the most prevalent.

You need professional help my dear. I am saying this from a caring place in my heart.

Be very honest with yourself - if you had a vulnerable child would you want someone working with them who hurts themselves?
How sad would your family and friends be to know you are hurting yourself?

Sorry to bombard you with so many questions but I know something of this area and want to help.

People on here can be very supportive but they cannot give you what you really need at present. Perhaps use this site as extra support but please get someone in mental health involved with your currents needs.

I hope you can do this not only for you but for your future with helping children - you need to help yourself first.

Please PM me if you want some direction and signposting.

All what Tem said is true.

But it is important to know that you’re not a defective person for having these feelings. To me, it’s just maternal instinct gone haywire. You’re not “less” than anyone else.

So, I would love to private message you so long as it's anonymous(username only). I have been to therapy for different issues a few years ago and it was good but I don't want to return right now because I feel much more understood by the people on this site. To answer a few of your questions, whenever he tried to hurt himself in regular school, I would tell the teacher, principal, and social worker. I would then make sure everything was well document and of coarse, make him stop. Once I almost restrained him because he was banging his head on the sharp corner of a desk and I stopped him. Another time, he put on 2 heavy sweatshirts in a 80+ degree classroom and said he was hot but that he was happy because soon he would make himself pass out. Same thing. I demanded he took off one of the sweatshirts, wrote him up and he was taken away for a risk assessment in the social worker's office. This was several months ago. I also started to document his physical ailments (Headaches, stomach aches, fever etc.) during both regular school and distance learning. I don't regularly hurt myself. I just started drinking something I wasn't supposed to in very small quantities once in awhile like when he said I'm not sending him off to a school where nobody cares about him and he'll be misunderstood. I stopped for awhile, and only resumed a little bit over the summer on days I just wonder how he is and if he's safe and okay. I just don't want anybody to hurt him in any way. I feel like anybody who hurts him deserves to be punished. Yes, that even includes me. He is such a sweet boy who doesn't deserve to feel any sadness.

FWIW, I just wanted to step in and say that from what I could tell, StarTrekker didn't describe a sexually inappropriate relationship with her previous teacher. She described a situation with a teacher who she became very close with due to how far they were both willing to go in terms of emotional closeness (and then he was the one who had to draw the boundary with her after he had "let her in" which resulted in a lot of pain for her). There definitely are some similarities between your cases. This was a "father figure" thing, not a sexual one. You described this kid feeling like your child, so I think there's no reason to get defensive. I feel that her intention here was good and empathetic and not meant to suggest any pedophilia going on. I think we can all take that off the table (no one feels this was sexually inappropriate). This is clearly not a sexual thing with the kid and we all understand that. The question is whether it's appropriate on an emotional (not physical) level. That may very well not be our place to decide on this forum, because that's a professional ethical thing between you and your employer, client, etc. All schools and institutions are different.

Not coming at it from a place of judgment, but one from logic instead...instead of saying "it isn't your place/your right, etc to be all these roles for this kid, you're doing a bad thing", I instead say "how can you expect to be able to do this without exhausting yourself?". I think we've all had that parent or therapist who we feel really close with and realize it's a special kind of relationship (again, not sexual), but nevertheless sometimes it can mean this person is being spread thin professionally. They can't help but want to get close to us because they're human and they care, and it's instinctual to them to meet our demands, but is it fair to them (in this case, is it fair to you)? You're just one person...to be parent, nurse, teacher, therapist, friend, mentor, etc., this is too much of a burden for one person. So I think that's really what resulted in this. It's not that you were doing something morally wrong or unethical in terms of harming the kid, quite the opposite, but this was too much emotionally for one person to take on and it had some unfortunate side effects. Teacher is teacher, nurse is nurse, caregiver is caregiver...these are labels that we at least try to adhere to because on some level they allow us to not overextend ourselves, so that our work is clear and we know what is within the scope of our duties given that role. When the labels become too open-ended and malleable, this is when we become overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I see this as a form of burnout. Just my thoughts.

I am glad you know your duty of care.

You don't have to pm and your name has not been asked for.

I would urge you to see a therapist with this as you are not fit to work with children if your emotional/phsychological world is this shaky. You need to be mentally healthy to help others, especially children.

This site is not equipped to deal with this alone. You need more than this kind of support my dear.

I second this. I don't think it's something you ought to discuss with your employer, but therapy could be helpful.

You need to sit down and think about how you are going to keep doing your job until retirement, in other words a long term plan. Right now you are thinking very short term. And you are taking what NT colleagues say way too literally.