Autism and Suicide

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What's the closest you've ever been to committing suicide? What's your story if you're willing to share and what did you do about it?

Twice I've taken an overdose of my medication. The first time my stomach rebelled and I threw it all up. I was peeved at the time.

The second time I overdosed on Tegretol (carbamazapine) which I later read is a fairly serious medication to take too much of. My housemate called an ambulance and at the hospital I was made to drink a cup of activated charcoal. I think I surprised the nurse by downing it in one go and not throwing up all over myself. I spent a night in the emergency department and was then transferred to the psych ward in another hospital.

I think the reason I took those overdoses was just that I'd had enough of this world. I didn't work or study, so essentially I had nothing to do (or be here for, so I thought).

I took an overdose of my mum's vitamins when I was 16. My mum asked me why I swallowed 13 vitamins and I told her that I wanted to get high.

I think not having lived at all or being dead would be great, even when things are not that bad, and certainly when tings are very bad. But dying is very very hard. I would not have the courage to end my life. There have been times I really wanted to and took steps, but in the end realized that I just couldn't and wouldn't be able to because I don't have the courage. I went to a gun store 8 times and practiced shooting at the gun range twice, plus took a gun safety class, but in the end I couldn't buy a gun. I couldn't bring myself to take it home and would never have been able to use it.

I was suicidal after experiencing a traumatic event. I went to the hospital and stayed in a psych ward for a couple weeks. It ended up being a really harmful experience. Ideally, I would’ve went somewhere expressly for people with my sort of issue, but better going there than nowhere.

I tried to commit suicide when I was 15, I tried to use a bunch of pills my mom had. But i still am not so sure why I wanted to do that....IDK I guess part of me felt I was kind of happy so I wanted to end things on a good note. but it was also before I learned I have autism and am neurodiverse so maybe that is why I had trouble getting on with peole rather than me just being a divergint peice of trash. Like I was kind of made to believe. Idk at the time I tried to kill myself I just was really convinced no one cared about my struggles and I didn't want to burden anyone with it. I thought if I just killed myself everyone else would move on normally after. But after I recovered they all made it clear that they do care and the certainly didn't want me to resort to trying to kill myself when things get tough.

So for sure since than whenever I have felt suicidal i just go to the hospital and tell them that I've gone to a psyhch ward twice so they can make sure I don't kill myself. and I am willing because when I get so down low I am considering it and so I try to stay safe about it cause i know my family does not want my end story to be that I died from suicide plu s now days I'd rather live as long as possible.

My story is that I first began attempting suicide by drinking household chemicals mixed with juice. It started as just one cleaning solution sprayed into the juice and then became a mixture of 6 different chemicals including isopropyl alcohol in my juice to drink. I drank one glass per day for about 2 years. On 2 occasions, I was feeling so depressed and anxious that I decided to drink 4 glasses in a very short period of time.

One of those times I left my house so that I wouldn't drink anymore and I returned home feeling drunk with my head throbbing and an upset stomach. I remember vomiting once a lit while holding my head. Then I went to bed to sleep it off. I woke up at around midnight and took some tylenol to stop my throbbing headache and I went back to sleep and woke up fine.

Once that episode didn't work, I bought a box of 24 sleeping pills and hid them in my closet until last January. Then, I typed up a suicida note and printed it before I swallowed the entire box of pills and washed them down with another poisonous drink. I woke up several times in the middle of the night to pee. When I woke up, I had a hard time getting getting up and walking because my vision was very blurry and my body felt extremely heavy. I vomited one time into a bucket I kept next to my bed. When it was time for me to wake up, I went to work, despite the fact that I shouldn't have been able to because I couldn't walk straight and my sight was only back to like 80% normalcy.

Another time I decided to try and smother myself with a blanket. This lasted about a half hour with the blanket over my head and limited air before I decided to quit and get some sleep.

Sometimes if I get sad or stressed out about something in my life I'll pray to God to take my life and bring my soul to heaven. I promised my family and my current therapist that there wouldn't be any more suicide attempts, so praying for God to do it for me sometimes feels like a viable alternative.

That's my story. I've never been to a psych hospital or clinic for my attempts. I still attend therapy biweekly for 45 minutes with a social worker and it has helped me tremendously. I also sought out formal diagnoses for both anxiety and mild depression which I recently received in February.

Only had a strong thought of it once -- just a second away from an attempt at worst.


I was 14 or 15, and very burned out.
Picked up a knife and contemplating.

Then endless thoughts, sensations and messages coming from endless directions came to me.

Then I put the knife back, crying and frustrated.
Then never had once thought of suicide ever again.


I don't know what exactly stopped me.

It might be love, it might be guilt, it might be sheer confusion, it might be the duty to life, it might be the natural instinct of survival fighting, it might be the overwhelming what-if, it might be just clinging to pride, it might be attachment, it might be 'just-in-case curiosity, it might be frustration and indecision, etc...

It could just be any and all the reasons that's ever been mentioned and will ever be.

It's just many endless things.
Nameable and unnameable.

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