Toxic mother?

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IRL people sometimes see through what you describe your mother doing I have found. They won't usually say anything directly to her or you, but just because she says bad things and no one argues doesn't mean everyone's against you. Not saying they're on your side, just I've spent a long time thinking I'm bad and everyone knows it because of how my mother treats me, and have found that people aren't so clueless. They may not accept you, but doesn't mean anyone enjoys seeing a mom be unsupportive.

I'm new here and don't know your story, or where you live, so I'm hesitant to comment further on your situation until I've learned more from you about whether you want feedback or just to vent.

For me, I know it's *difficult* when the person with all the negativity is someone close to us, such as a parent or sibling, but it *is* possible to have very little to do with them.

I think I can understand a little of what you're feeling. I'm not diagnosed with AS; I'm diagnosed with chronic moderate to severe depression. I'm 45, female, and excelled academically. Not only was AS "not even on the radar" when I was in school, it was beyond the scope of possibility that anything might be "the matter" with me. I was just a spacey, weird, standoffish, super-smart, uber-organized but kind of messy girl who did NOT like people to touch her/her stuff, was kind of clumsy, had a crazy-advanced vocabulary, "flew off the handle" sometimes and, if someone was around, talked all.the.time. but nobody ever really knew what I was talking about. I never got called "ret*d", just "weird" and "crazy."

The diagnosis didn't help. My parents and sister alluded to me being mentally ill; so did my ex husband and the replacement wife, and for a while they even got one of my kids in on it. To hear them tell it, it was always a matter of whether I was on or off my meds or having a depressive episode, never the possibility that they were being mentally abusive jerks.

One of my mother's themes as a fundamentalist Christian is also that I'm "not serving the Lord/not right with God." At one point, a long time ago, people my mother went to church with almost had me convinced that I was possessed by demons.

After that, I thought it best to spend some time away from those people. At the time, I was an at-home mom to 2 small children, so I did a spiritual retreat in my home. I spent a month praying, fasting (1 meal a day M-F, ate normally on weekends), meditating and studying the Bible, to come to terms with whatever I needed to do about my "demon possession." I concluded that the only time I'd ever had this "demon" problem when I was around them, so maybe it was a good idea to stop going to that church and stop talking to those people. (You think?!)

Within a year, I started taking medication for depression and seeing a counselor. Over the course of the next 10 years, there was a lot of upheaval in my life but I got well enough to see that my ex husband and my parents and their constant "you're sick, you're ill, you're disabled, you're not in good standing with God" were a bigger problem than anything that might be "wrong" with me.

I've been on medication for the better part of 20 years now, and I see a therapist any time I feel I need to. I don't think of myself as broken; sometimes, everybody needs objective input.

For myself, I do best when I am far away from my parents and have very little contact with them. At present, I live 2 hours' drive from them and sometimes it is still not far enough.

A few years ago, when I was in yet another "personality type" workshop, learning how to get along with my coworkers (I wasn't singled out; this touchy-feely crap is kind of a workplace trend and it was compulsory training for everyone), hearing a bunch of noise about how many more "blues" there are than everybody else, and this is what the "reds" and the "golds" are are like, and how us "greens" were the least common, and "omg, I've never had a female green!" in the session I attended, they hooked me up with a "what other people need to communicate with you/what you need to know to communicate with other people" resource.

It's like they handed me the keys to the universe.

Since then, I've thought of this thing as: I just have extra responsibility, compared to most people. It ALWAYS falls to me to be the bigger person, because there are more of them (:fish:) than there are of me (:alien:). Majority rules, and they just don't get it. They can't help it, it's just how they are (and a lot of times, "it" means being stupid, clueless, insensitive, obnoxious, etc.).

Yeah, it wears me out, dealing with them, because most of the time they are NOT interested in meeting me halfway, but what evs. That's what it takes for me to peacefully co-exist with them, while being the best possible version of myself. Screw 'em if they can't take a joke, ya know?

Almost all of the times, I feel alone...even in a room full of people. It's why my SO is 20 years older than I am; he gets me, and there's merit in that. (He also looks like Sam Elliott and smells divine--there's merit in that, too. ) It's why my next closest friends are 20 & 45 years older and 20 years younger than I am--they get me, and there's merit in that. Without them, I could very easily be the "crazy cat lady" who lives in the house round the bend.

But, what works for me might not be right for you.

Even if you weren't on the spectrum, it wouldn't be good for you to be around someone who exudes negativity. Do you live with or very near to your mother? It may not be an option in the near future, but have you considered moving away from her? Do you have a high school diploma and some tertiary education (either academic, professional or technical)?

What I would wish for you in this moment is to know with confidence that you're a whole person, a good person, a person who's capable.