Loneliness and ASD

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Hello Bumble,
Please phone someone who can offer some help to you, please, more please.
There is a future for you.

I second Neilson. At least call the Samaratan.

I wouldn't want to lose the opportunity to chat with you again. I lost a friend to suicide in 1999. I don't think she meant to do it--but the deed was done.

There's lots in that head that could be used to either productive or fun purposes.

Really, hindsight is 20:20. Regrets are worthless.

You have a future, most definitely, which could be all the more richer because of the lessons which you learned in your past.

You want to hear something funny? I swear this is true! My high school nickname was "Mumbles."

When I was 12-13, I really wanted to live in the Paleolithic! I used to carry around a stick, which I called my "spear." Whenever I wanted to eat, I would pretend to "spear" whatever food item I wanted. I did this in the supermarket, too.

Panic over; bumble is not dead and the matter is in hand. I'm only saying this to reassure the people here as I don't know when she'll get around to replying to this thread. I'll say nothing else as that's for her to write if and when she wants to.

- Martin

I should have been more specific about what in droppy's post I was praising. So I went back and bolded the most important bit. Gossipping is not the relevant part because you don't. What is relevant is not trying to change people's beliefs. It helps a lot with getting along with people. Upthread you replied to my post (which I'm not re-quoting because it's too long) with amazement that people don't like it when you try to educate them because after all who wouldn't want to know new stuff? But if they perceive that as a negative judgement then that's what you have to accept if you want to get along with them.

The people in your area will gossip, express negativity, feel judged as ignorant if you try to educate them (unless they specifically ask about something), have insecurities and petty jealousies, believe in social hierarchies and worry endlessly about their place in them. If you want to befriend them, you have to accept these things about them even if you don't understand them and it all seems illogical. If you don't want to befriend them, you must either accept solitude (which you don't want to do per other posts because you are lonely) or find new people.

You are in a small area but there must be people you haven't encountered yet. They are just flying under your radar somehow. But the catch is that they will have insecurities, ego problems. jealousies etc. too. It does no good to hold out for the people who have no insecurities, no ego problems, no feelings of worthlessness, who are willing to talk about interests without ever involving personal baggage. They might exist but they are rare. Accept people as they are even when they are illogical,petty etc. and you will get along with them better.

Alternatively, get a pet. A dog would be great. They are so sociable and can really help with loneliness.

There's a real buzz over Bumble

How can we not like her?

bumble is the bee's knees

Bee's don't have knees.

That's a weird saying. I know what it means, i just cant describe what it means, oddly (my brain has this habit. I am the same with words sometimes. I can know a word, know how to use a word but if you ask me what the word means you are out of luck).

I don't want to be the bee's knees. I want a quiet little life in the country or near an unpopulated part of the coast with a companion and maybe one close friend and a few congenial family members to invite round for Christmas dinner. I want to go horse riding on the weekends, potter about in my garden with my vegetable patch or planting pretty flowers, have time to read books instead of reading on the computer, I want to learn traditional needle crafts and live a life almost free of technology (having only the most essential items).

I want to be a modern day cave girl.

I want to retreat from society (as much as someone can outside of having to earn monies to do things with and exchange for food stuffs) and the human ego and just be with nature, my books, my arts and crafts and my piano.

I also want to travel the length of Britains coast, go beach combing in different parts of the country to see what fossils I can find and so on and so forth.

Right now I want to sleep but something is making my eyes feel like I have grit in them, my nose is running and is sore and my throat is irritated as well. I suspect I may have hay fever or similar...

I also want to know what I am.

What if I go for the assessment and its not an ASD, then what the hell am I because I don't relate to NT. An anomaly?

A pet is probably a good idea, I was looking at the information on the RSPCA web site the other day about adopting a dog. Its not cheap though so it will have to wait a few weeks.

Oh we are playing with the bumble name...bumble bee.

I would like to just be able to be bumble, whatever bumble happens to be.

I am happy to accept they have their beliefs as long as they don't keep projecting them on to me or expect me to live by them in my personal world beyond the role of common courtesy. Same with different ways of thinking. Most people assume I think like them, but I think like a bumble (that's neither a good or bad thing, its just a personal difference) and this can cause me massive problems when trying to communicate as I explained to the therapist I was seeing. It amounts to a lot of confusion, a lot of social difficulties, a lot of upsets and head hitting on my part out of sheer frustration and then a lot of anger and annoyance with the world as well as social isolation.

That's not my only issue. The only environment I even come close to knowing how to make friends in is at college and that takes me months. That's if it hasn't all changed. In the old days people used to ask me for help with their work and I'd offer any advice I could. Over time we would talk, they seemed to find me amusing or funny (i may have had a sense of humour once up on a time) and they would sometimes invite me out with them. The friendships never lasted beyond college though.

If i go to groups I either sit quietly in the back or I join in but nothing seems to come of it and I still can't find people I can relate to.

I do not mind listening to peoples baggage sometimes and I don't mind helping sometimes but I can't always do that. I don't always really completely understand what they are experiencing if I am honest because of my different way of perceiving the world. I may be able to understand their emotions, but not why they got upset or their way of thinking/logic/reasoning for example. So I can understand what embarrassment might feel like (have had it briefly myself) but I don't understand why someone would feel embarrassed for blushing.

Blushing is a natural bodily process, what is wrong with it?

I know in social situation it may have certain connotations that make it a bad thing but why? Who made up these rules? Can it not just be accepted as a natural thing that happens when a person is nervous, shy or embarrassed about something. Why is it shameful?

I do not think anything of it if someone blushes whilst talking to me.

But I do know how they are feeling, I just can't help them, because of my way of thinking and my beliefs being so different from theirs. They need someone who shares the same belief system as them to offer advice as I will just tell them that is nothing wrong with blushing and nothing to be embarrassed about which doesn't seem to do much good.

That does not mean that I don't have my uses as a friend though, I'm just not good on the emotional comforts front which is why i asked my therapist if there are other ways to bond. I think it is stable bonds I am seeking more so than just company. i don't really need company for the sake of company but I do like the company of people I am bonded with.

LOL, well said

Good Night, Bumble.

I hope you only get pleasing birdie sounds tomorrow morning when you wake up.

Whenever I go to the West Indies, there's always a cacophony of roosters greeting me at around 4 in the morning, when I can't sleep because of the heat. The roosters incite the dogs, and vice versa. It's a veritable cacophony, like I said--but it's the sound of the unpretentiously Primal. Perhaps, like in Neolithic days. I wish I could say "Paleolithic"--but these are agriculturalist sounds.

Seconded

Thanks for letting us know, IKnowWhoIAmNow.

I am making complaints today.

Whatever the cause of my social issues (and I still won't rule out social anxiety because I do get nervous when socialising and that does affect my ability to interact, at least initially until I am comfortable with someone, then my interaction style changes) I have a crippling depression (as a result of them) and I am not receiving any support for that.

There is probably an advocacy service I can telephone. I can probably consult the CAB, I can try julian housing again the people who rehoused me from the womens refuge when the relationship I moved up here to be in failed and I can try seeing the dr again and explaining that until I have an assessment for an ASD or the exact cause of my social difficulties has been established I am in need of support for the depression I am suffering from and am not happy about being left in limbo when I am in need of help.

I am tired of people thinking I am selfish because I have been labelled as being autistic before actually having a formal diagnosis of autism with formal testing with someone I am familiar with (or am comfortable with to negate the any social anxiety I may be experiencing. No I may not worry about blushing but I am aware that people are judgmental, are not always help, can be nasty and abusive and so on as experienced in my past from years of abuse and bullying which has psychologically and emotionally scared me, and this can put me on edge around them until I start to trust them a little bit).

People keep making accusations such as my always wanting my own way when I ask about finding someone who likes to do the same things as myself. People assume I just want to always do what I want to do. The thing is I have not been able to do what I want to do around other humans for over 10 years. I have always had to do what they want to do. It feels to me like I am the one doing all the giving whilst they do all the taking. All I want is some give and take from them, a fair exchange. Sometimes we do something they like, sometimes something I like and most of the time something we both like. Ergo everyone is happy.

People don't even ask me anymore, they just take over my life.

Even if I do have traits of an ASD (and I do have traits of it) that does not mean I am autistic. There are many reasons I may have autistic traits without actually having autism. Most of my worst social troubles started along with the internet. My social life was not brilliant but the web has made a complete mess of it. It is the worst it has ever been. People making assumptions about me left right and center without having ever spent time with me to get to know what I am really like (I can;t tell what people are really like by text on a screen, its why I never get attached to someone I meet online until I have dated them for a substantial period of time in person. I made that mistake once and I was shocked to find the person was not what I had interpreted them to be in the real world. Ergo I like to spend time getting to know someone before allowing a bond to develop. In the flesh, not via the computer screen.

I am emotionally removed to a degree when I am on the computer, more so than I am in person. The computer is impersonal. I cannot see anyone, i cannot hear them (unless its a voice call), I cannot see their mannerisms, I cannot see their facial expressions or body language and I cannot touch or feel them. I am likely to be much harsher under such instance than I am face to face for if I can see a person is upset i instantly mellow and want to soothe them.

I am not always sure how to soothe them, especially when they are having worthlessness issues (that way of thinking is damaging to people, why on earth do they insist on keeping it) but I want to soothe them all the same.

I am not some self absorbed ass who goes on and on about my own issues when someone else is clearly upset in front of me and I can see it with my own eyes.

Text does not have as much of a impact. The internet is impersonal. There is little room for warmth in the cold world of the world wide web. It's too techno to be warm, unless your laptop is overheating.

I want to test my social skills with people who have good social skills and similar interests/intellectual abilities to myself. If I still cant interact with them then it may well be an ASD but if I am able to interact with people who understand me and my way of thinking and with whom I share something in common then ASD is unlikely to be the cause of my problems.

I rarely meet anyone who understands me or whom matches my intellectual abilities in the real world. Even when I was at uni other students who made my grade average were rare. I do not say this boast, I did not like being rare, I would have rather there were more people who were closer to my level of ability. I was lonely there by myself or with few others to connect to. It's not a great world being different and I don't know why everyone would think it is. Having ability might sound nice to you but to someone who valued love and relationships and wanted to form connections with people it is soul destroying when that ability splits you apart from the rest of the human race for various reasons. It's not so great or so glamorous.

I know I can have two way conversations with those rare souls whom I can relate to because I have. But I don't find that often.

I still think I may have an atypical presentation of social anxiety from years of bullying and abuse.

I wanted that looked at, ASD or otherwise.

I won't be coming here often until I have a diagnosis.

Would you be amenable to a potential visitor from the Wrong Planet website?

I "spoke" to someone who would like to come to England. She mentioned that she would like to see you, and another person. She is a straight woman.

I would be delighted to meet you as well.

This is all, really, not even in the preliminary planning stages--it's in the state of "hypothetical" right now.

It would be understandable if you were reluctant.

PS: I should have mentioned that this person is merely a member of WrongPlanet, like 80,000 other members.